Warm sand under my feet, in between my toes, soft and silky. Waves quietly crashed, salt filled the air. The beach. It was nighttime, the most beautiful night I had ever seen, every star visible in the dreamy sky, with fireflies flitting over head. Although it was night, I felt warm, safe. Cozy. A fire burned steadily, embers flying through the night air and sputtering out into ashes in mid-flight. It’s glow casted around me..and someone else? The broad shoulders, the gelled hair, the hunched back, Ollie. I rushed over to him, landing on my knees beside him as he sat on the sand staring off straight ahead. When I fell next to him, he jumped with surprise, and realizing it was me, he chuckled and punched me lightly in the arm. “Scared the crap out of -” I kissed him before he could say anything else. He felt so warm and sweet, and in my stomach, a flower bloomed, sending fireworks exploding every which way inside of me. The spark. Ollie was the one for me, I should have known it all along. Kissing him felt so different from kissing anyone else, it was like magic. Just as things started to get intense, he pulled away, looking scared. “Ollie?” I whispered. His face started to droop, melt away. He was crying, sobbing, like the night when Thomas went missing. I reached for him, but he was suddenly so far away, and all I could hear was, “Why Kathy, why?” It rung in my head, vibrating and echoing against my skull. “Why, why, why..”
I awoke with a start. A dream, it was just a dream.
That night I wept, but I thought nothing of my tears. They were real, self-hatred tears, hot and salty, exhausting and guilty. Ollie was my prince. I had been waiting at the hospital that one day for my prince, Darius, to come save me. But my prince was already there. He had saved my life that night after the party, he beat up Darius for me various times, he stood up for me, and I left him looking like an idiot by kissing Darius after I kissed him. Ollie had been there in all the times that counted, Darius was just some lost cause I'd kept running after because my love for him distracted me from the way he actually was. He could hide it from me with a smile, his touch, a kiss, but Ollie knew it the whole time. He told me over and over again how bad he was, and I simply shrugged it off until now, it's all I can see. These "I told you so's" and looming memories engulf me, and I realize I've shed so many tears over the wrong guy. And now, it's too late. Too late to show Ollie I love him, too late for him to care.
That night, I drifted off to sleep after crying for numerous hours. I dreamt of the sand under my feet. It was cold and grainy, the cold night air was swirling around me, and the stench of salt was unbearable. The water was eerily still, and the clouds covered up all the stars in the sky. Reality. But there in front of me was the fire I had been yearning for. I got too close and I felt a flame lick my hand. I jumped back in pain, but then something caught my eye. My hand stopped throbbing as suddenly, Darius appeared, falling into the fire, smiling that same smile he always had that used to make me warm inside. It only made me colder now. A yellow school bus followed after him into the flames, and then various things that upset me: beer, Cheyenne, green pick-up trucks, they all fell in, sending sparks everywhere. But then other things started descending toward the fire: Mr. Mason, Mom, Ollie..Dad. I rushed to the fire, trying to find them, help them. Looking into the fire, I saw a face. It was blurry at first, but then it appeared more clearly until I realized...it was my reflection. I ran to the water, trying too soothe my burning skin and mind. To my surprise, the water was solid and grey colored. It was like a huge rock spreading as far as the eye could see. I heard Ollie say behind me, “How does it feel to have your hopes crushed?” And then I fell to my knees and sobbed. I was like fire. People get too close and they get burned. Too many tears being shed, too many burns from the fire. I had that nightmare for a straight three weeks.
Months later, I tell you this story, the thicks and thins, the secrets I never told, my point of view of my memories. I’m sure all of you reading this associated someone with at least one of my family members or friends in this story. Maybe your me, in love with the wrong guy “Darius”? Or maybe you mistreated your best friend “Ollie”? In the end, we all have our memories, and yes, some are bad and haunt you, but the others? Hold on to those. Keep them forever, because people change, but memories don’t. Sometimes, you want to remember how you were, how other people were, what kind of relationships you’ve had, and the happiness that came along with them. This whole story is called “Memories” because of one reason. Memories are the only thing that occur daily, are kept in your heart for a while, then end up having the power to stab you in the back with hurt, jealousy, or any other emotion they decide to inflict. And sometimes, just sometimes, you pick up the shattered memory, pain and all, and store it back in your heart. But in the end, my dear reader, expired memories are like broken mirrors, you should just leave it alone rather then hurt yourself trying to piece it back together to see yourself in it again and realize it’s not the same.
