I pushed back the sleek wood door of Albert E. High School, as I did every morning. This place was hell and heaven to me. I'd had to face Darius every single day, seeing him flirt with other girls and be his immature self, but when he glanced or smirked at me, my heart raced and I couldn't breathe steady for a while. So I guess the only thing that really keeps me here is Darius, as much as I hate to admit it. No, wait. There's of course Ollie. Ollie is my best friend, we have known each other since we were little. He and I are inseparable, but I could never talk to him about my boy problems...especially not problems with Darius. Years ago, when Darius broke my heart, Ollie found me crying and once he had found out what had happened, he beat the living shit out of him. He got suspended for two weeks, but tells me that he doesn't regret one minute of it. To this day, he still hates Darius with as much hatred as I’d like to possess towards him. This is why I loved Oliver, in a family sense. He was like a brother to me. Someone I did love in another way though, was Darius. As soon as I walked into the door, my eyes immediately scanned the room for him. It was almost a reflex now. My eyes caught his, the mesmerizing swirls of chocolate that had always captivated me from the start. He caught me staring and smirked, causing me to dart my eyes in any other direction but towards him. I found myself almost crashing into a fellow classmate and knocking over a stack of papers. After apologizing multiple times and helping with the mess, I got to my locker, and started grabbing my books, hoping that Darius didn’t see my clumsy mishap. All of a sudden, there was a slow voice behind me that crept into my ear. "Hey," it whispered, the voice smooth. A hand tapped my shoulder and I shuddered. My heart jumped into my throat. That voice, that smell of cologne, the gentle hand on my back. I knew who it was, and I knew that a memory was coming on. My brain flashed back to seventh grade, a younger me sitting on an old leather couch, Darius' arm around me. We were studying, the young, little happy couple we were. The same smell had filled my nose, his hand had been in the exact place it was now, his voice had been just as low and rich as it was now. I wheeled around quickly to see Darius' face inches from mine, jumping back against my locker. Darius chuckled and said, "Still have the same effect on you, don't I?" I faked an annoyed look, rubbing the back of my head where I had hit it on the handle of my locker. "The only effect you have on me is being able to scare the shit out of me. What do you want anyways?" Darius grabbed his chest over where his heart was, playing around. "Ugh! That's cold, hurts right here." I loved when we play-fought like this, it was like we were reading from a script, already knowing comebacks to one another’s remarks. "You mean that black empty space?" I retorted. Darius laughed slowly and sauntered away. What the hell did he want? Didn't matter, my heart was already out of control and my breath was staggered. Before I could think anything else, a hand grabbed my waist and pulled me towards their owner. I prayed it was Darius, but it was his brother, my boyfriend, Thomas. "Hello beautiful." he smiled and kissed me. I felt as if I was numb, no spark came up from my heart when I kissed Thomas, it was nothing to me. "Hi," I replied numbly. I had no idea why I was dating someone I really had no feelings for..oh right. To get revenge on Darius. Speaking of Darius, I caught him staring out of the corner of my eye, so I kissed Thomas and pretended like he was Darius. I put all my might into that kiss, and from Darius' raised eyebrows, I realized I did a good job of making brothers jealous of one another. "You're coming home with me today right?" Thomas asked me, snapping me back to reality. "Umm.." I hesitated. I didn't really want to sit on that same old leather couch with another Mason boy, but then I remembered that it was a good chance to get close to see Darius. "Of course." I quickly replied with a smile. He returned the favor, kissing me on the cheek and running off. I felt so disgusting, giving and receiving kisses from someone I honestly couldn't give a rat's ass about, just to get even with their brother. I didn't even know why I was trying to get revenge. Maybe it was to show Darius what he lost? I guess I was showing him he lost a tramp by doing this...the thought trailed off into the depths of my mind, so I shook off the feeling and went to my first class.
Sitting in the back seat of Mr. Mason's pick-up truck brought back more memories of Darius and I going to our first dance together, awkwardly sitting and holding hands in our fancy wear as Mr. Mason tried to crack jokes to loosen up the tension. Though the memories fought endlessly to eat at my brain, I refused to let them. I rolled down the window and let the wind carry away the evil memories. I stole a glance at Darius who sat in the passenger seat, tapping along to the beat of the radio. I used to think that was so cute...hell, I still did.
When we studied, I stared blankly at the paper, fighting off all memories that bore into my skull. The long-broken popcorn machine, the pool outside the window, the dusty rug, they all screamed at me while Thomas' calm voice in the background tried to explain to me why "x" equaled 3. I couldn't take it anymore. I waited for Thomas to finish his explanation and told him I didn't feel well. He guided me to a guest bedroom where he left me to rest, telling me he would pack up my things for me. I thanked him with a hug, then slunk into the guest room. Thomas was so sweet, he deserved better than a lying skank like myself who was in love with his brother. I knew I should have finished my homework and let the memories fade away, but everything seemed like too much for me. My brain screamed insults at me as my body ached in retort, so over all I felt like crap. I lied down, self-hatred tears running down my cheeks. For a while I stayed there, thinking endlessly about myself. What was I doing? Is this really who I want to be? I can't go on doing this..it has to end! I would have to break up with Thomas eventually, it just wasn't right..but how? When? Questions ran through my head, working my brain until everything became muted, as I drifted off to an uncomfortable sleep.
Sometimes, I wished I could sleep forever. When you sleep, your unconscious takes over and you can be happy, not remembering the sadness or anger that you feel when you are awake. But of course, I had to wake up sometime, however unfortunate it felt. I looked at the clock through blurry eyes. It read 8:03, and I decided I would try to read, or watch TV until I could become sleepy again. I figured I could just crash here, as my Mom probably wasn’t home yet, and didn’t really care where I stayed. I rubbed my face with sleepiness as I sat up, my tear-stained cheeks felt stiff as I sighed. I knew I couldn't put off all of my worries forever, they were inevitable. My brain, slow and confused, once again tackled the situation of the two mason boys. Not a minute later, a light rap came on the door. I expected it to be Thomas, so I collapsed backwards on my pillow, pretending I was in a deep slumber. When the door creaked open and I heard footsteps coming closer to me, I figured Thomas was coming to give me a good night kiss. I scrunched up my face, un-eager to receive it, when I heard a light chuckle. My eyes shot open. I knew that laugh. That wasn't Thomas.
