Stone Cold Fear《Simon Kalivoda》

selfish

I awoke surprised by the coldness next to me, Simon was still here. I was shocked, but not mad I was actually quite happy he hadn't left.
He was staring at my ceiling, black eyes staring into the abyss of black paint.
He had helped me paint it, I wondered if he remembered, he had been the one to suggest a space theme for my ceiling when we were in 8th grade, I hadn't changed it since.
He turned his head to look at me staring at him, he smiled and tuned back to face the ceiling.

"You're awake" he mumbled.

I just laughed a bit, "yes Simon, I'm awake".

He sighed and whispered something i couldn't hear. I could tell it was something that upset him by the way his face looked.

"What's wrong, Simon?" My words falling from my mouth without a second thought.

"I should have left, I didn't realize what time it was, I got caught up watching you" he heaved out a long sigh.

"I'm glad you didn't" I whisper knowing he could hear me, as I nuzzle my warm face into his chest I felt his hand rub circles on my back.
We just stayed like that for a few minutes, and for a moment, like so many moments I had come to hold close it felt as if Simon was alive again,and he was comforting me from a bad dream.

Simon then moved me a bit so he could sit up, he got up from the bed and pulled on his shirt from the floor and put on his jeans, as I watched him I realized I was practically naked.
The events of the previous night came flooding back to me, I rushed to find my shirt, in the mess of blankets and sheets. I heard Simon laugh and I looked over to see a smug blonde boy holding my shirt.

I yanked it from his grasp and pulled it over my head. When I looked back at Simon his face was resting, his eyes were closed. He wanted to tell me something, I was scared of what that might mean, just as I started thinking the worst he opened his mouth and said, "I'm so selfish, and I hope you'll forgive me" his energetic personality faded away.

"Simon what do you mean by hoping I'll forgive you? You've done nothing wrong" I knew my face was probably as panicked as my voice.

"Like I said last night, I should leave, and never come back, I mean look at what I did to you" his words held no emotion, which was unusual.

"But I also feel some sick pleasure from it" his eyes scanning over my body looking at the bruising on my legs and neck, my arms, anywhere that it was visible.

A smile forming on his lips caused me to cock an eyebrow at him, bewilderment fell over me.

"What do you mean by-"

"What do I mean by sick pleasure?" The smile never leaving his face "Baby, I think you know".

I stiffened, Simon crawled towards me on my bed and connected our lips, I didn't dare move.

He noticed this and pulled away, giving a displeased expression.
"Whats wrong, ghost got your tongue" venom laced in his words, the only thing I knew to do was pull him back in.

That's all my body allowed me to do, he separated from my mouth and made a trail of kisses along my jawline and neck, they were rough, and placed perfectly. He then let his mouth touch mine again, pulling me roughly into a demanding kiss,I tried to pull away for air but he kept me in place, holding me hostage in his violent kiss.

When I felt as if I was going to pass out he let go, smirking as I gasped for air.

"Simon, what the hell" I spat out, I was angry but for some reason at myself.

He just laughed and shrugged.

He traced his cold fingers where he had kissed, smiling fondly at his handy work.
I went to get up but his cold hand held me tightly in place, "no, you're staying here" I looked at him puzzled.

"Their here" he said, by their here meant Deena and Sam.

Now I knew why he was acting like this, why he was being so persistent and angry.
He knew just as well as I did that Sam and Deena were the reason he was dead, the reason I almost died.

He groaned as the knock came on the front door. They can't come in, he would have to leave.
"Stay here I'll-" he shoved me down on the bed.

"No, you stay here" he persisted. I looked at him curiously, as he connected our lips again. Not as violent this time but definitely persuading me enough to not fight him on going and opening the door.
Suddenly he flipped us over,I sat up straddling him as I smiled down at him.

He looked up at me admiration in his eyes, he had always looked at me like that, with this protective edge, he always looked like he would kill for me, and I didn't doubt he would.

The knocking stopped and I assumed they left, he raised his had to trace the bruising once more, before cupping my face with his hand.

I nuzzled into him my warm skin being chilled my his hand.
He gently sat up, making sure to keep me on top of him, he trailed his hand down to my chest resting over my heart.
My heart beat was calm, I knew that's what he was feeling for.
"I wish I still had one" he said as he leaned forward putting his ear to my chest.

"You do, you have mine" I trailed out.

He pulled back and smiled, "I know, my name is written on it".

This was true, the truest statement i had ever heard. He knew no matter what, he owned my heart, it was his to keep, his to hold, his to break. He could so easily break me in two, literally and metaphorically.
Just last night I could feel my heart snapping into pieces with every true but hurtful word.

Simon was selfish, he was right, but if he was selfish so was I, after all I won't let him rest.
He is dead he should be somewhere nice, like heaven..I never believed in God and I'm not sure Simon did either, but if God was real, Simon was certainly deserving of heaven. He was my heaven, every intoxicating kiss, touch, and word sent me to paradise, Simon wasn't just my heaven but my God, devil, and hell.

My own personal punishment and reward.

I looked over at him, and questioned "am I the reason your not- in the after life?". He looked at me with eyes of coal, but they were soft, as if he was about to tell me a sad story about a dog he had when he was little, but the words weren't a sad story, it was a answer I already knew.

"Yes" before I could process the information his hand found mine, taking my hand in his and rubbing the back.

"I knew you needed me, I could feel your heart break, your mourning, and I couldn't just leave you here to suffer through that alone" his word's held more meaning then you could ever imagine.

"And what if" I paused "what if I accept that your gone, will you have to leave?" My question caused him to look away.

He didn't know, he wasn't sure, there was no guide for this, there was no book written about how to have a relationship with your ghost boyfriend.
Hell I wish there was some sort of manual I could read, maybe then I could make it to where Simon got to rest in paradise and I could finally rest with the thought of him being gone.

But alas there was no book, Manuel or guide, only a empty  void of un answered questions.