Dear Binnie / YEONBIN

twelve.

12/06/2017

it was 4:30 in the morning and yeonjun was woken up by his mother, pounding on his door. he quickly got up from bed, running to his door. "mom, did something happen? it's late.." he asked sleepily. she shakily hugged yeonjun. "i'm so sorry jjunie, he's gone. soobin's gone" yeonjun's mind then went blank as his head almost erased the name for a few seconds. 

he looked at his mother, "soobin?" he asked, he was sure he smiled a bit not understanding what his mother was saying at first. til his heart felt like it ached in pain he blinked in realization. his mother nodded, tears rolling down her cheeks as she saw how yeonjun slowly shook his head, lips quivering as he fell down into his knees, still in his mothers arms. 

"tell me i'm just having a bad dream, please" he sobbed out. shaking as his mother kept him close. yeonjun, choking in his own tears he still tried to deny it in his words. yeonjun knew this day was going to come soon.  he didn't really know what he was expecting to feel when this day actually came. but now feeling that heart ache, his mind going fuzzy, and tears streaming down all at the same time 

he knew, he knew that this was real.

and.. that choi soobin was dead.

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12/10/2017

yeonjun and his mother stepped infront of the church, dressed in all black, the same for everyone else who was going in. he looked around, not exactly knowing what to feel. "are you not going to home in?" his mother asked. "uhm, can i be here for a bit? i just need a little more time. please" yeonjun said. his mothers sighed but nodded before heading inside, leaving yeonjun outside.

 a soft voice then called him quietly. yeonjun turned, it was beomgyu. they both stood there, looking down at their feet. beomgyu's breath hitched before quickly then tightly hugging yeonjun. yeonjun smiled softly, "are you doing okay?" yeonjun asked. "..not really- you?" beomgyu sighed, "not really" yeonjun said, repeating beomgyu's words. they both sat down at a nearby bench in silence. 

"ah- there they are" beomgyu whispered, seeing two boys walk towards them quietly. hueningkai and taehyun the two older boys. after a while of talking in between silence, hueningkai then asked. "will you say something?" he said. yeonjun looked around the room, getting full of people soobin must've known. "y-yeah. his..soobin's parents asked me to" yeonjun said, nervously playing with the car keys his mom left him with. 

beomgyu then looked at the time on his phone, "it's starting soon, we should head in." he sighed, standing up from the bench. they all nodded. once yeonjun and the rest got inside, he looked around. "you okay?" taehyun whispered. yeonjun nodded before they all went their separate ways with their family members.

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yeonjun watched as each person finished giving their speeches for soobin, his nerves and tears slowly building up. soobin's mother then approached yeonjun, her face red from the crying,"yeonjun, do you want to go up?" she said, voice barely hearable. yeonjun's mom looked at him with worried eyes. "yes"he whispered, standing up before taking out a paper from one of his pockets.

he shakily walked to the center of the church. he looked around, seeing how everyone was either staring at him with sad eyes or weren't even looking at him and instead sobbing. "i- uhm. as everyone knows, soobin was a great person. and- and.."yeonjun looked at his paper, deeply sighing before quickly putting the paper back in his pockets.

"s-so i fell in love with soobin, deeply. i remember when i first saw him, he was a new student at our school and i was just so endeared by him. even when we hadn't even spoke a word to each other. i made a fool of myself multiple times during class because i kept getting distracted by him, and also did when i tried talking to him." yeonjun smiled softly.

"i also remember the day i realized there was something between us, barely remember since we were both so sleepy. it was one of our friend's birthday and i agreed to stay over at his house after leaving, but his parents locked us out on accident. so we waited til sunrise, or til soobin's dad woke up. so it took a while but something happened while we waited. there was a moment where we just looked at each other for a while, i noticed the way he looked at me back."

"it was different, and i'm sure i also looked at him that way since the first day. i just..never realized. and it went on like that til..til he told me and our friends everything, things started to change so rapidly, one day i remember trying to help him breath behind the school..and then a few days later i was suddenly visiting him everyday at the hospital." 

"i remember when i first realized that he liked me back. earlier that day on his eighteenth birthday, i finally confessed. and all of a sudden i was holding him til he fell asleep. that day, he told me to promise that i'll remember him and i said of course, then realized that in my diary he was the only one who talked mainly about on there, every single page was about him. i was already in love long before i realized i was."

"s-so here's my actual letter to him. Dear Soobin, i don't know how, but  you made me feel things i've never felt with anyone else before. you even made me feel things before just by sitting next to me, or even looking at me. i want to thank you for being in my life. i'm glad i got to say goodbye to you properly on the night of your birthday. and i'm really glad i did confess, because if i didn't i know would regret so much. thank you for being my first love, even if it was only for a day. i shouldn't have let go of you that night, maybe. maybe things could have gone differently. but here we are." yeonjun lips trembled as he spoke, looking into the big picture of soobin that was displayed. 

yeonjun tried to ignore the tears falling done his face, "i'll never find someone like you again. i'll never forget you, i love you choi soobin. yeonjun softly said, quickly bowing at soobin's parents before going back to sit next to his mother. he put his hand over his mouth, trying his best to block out any sobs he was going to let out if he did let go. his mom pulled him close, softly patting his head. 

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one more .