In This City of Ghosts

the ghost in me

Matthew Allard, 04/15/82-28/12/2018

He leaves behind his Mom, sister, beautiful Daughter Patience, and significant other, Samantha....

This is what I had started writing. No one else had. How my heart breaks every day. It is alive in my mind.

I picture him ripping out tubes, heart monitors, escaping back to his small place just before Christmas

i KNOW SHE WAS THERE, SHE SAVED HIM ON THE 23RD, BUT THEN SHE LEFT HIM TO DIE ON THE 28TH. He faced Christmas alone while I cancelled my visit to be with him, instead I had to attend to my other mother

He didn't fight me on this, he understood, I'll catch you after, doll, don'y get all excited, ain't no fuss

I turned the world off, but eerily in my journal entry on that date it read "Lent D Matts Chopper, don't let him get away with stealing another."

Did he come for me, after his last breath escaped and he caught flight on the eastern wind

Did you see our baby first, did she turn in the silence and whisper "mom" like my name was a sin

Did you see your mom and sister, suddenly quiet when your ghost entered the kitchen

then I want to believe it was me you saw last, put your hand on my shoulder, kissed my cheek, whispered we would meet again

But all I picture, is you naked and alone. On a steel table, the kindly coroner trying to reach any of us by phone

I wish I could have taken all your mom and sisters hurt then, wish I handn't immediately declined that call

Because the police showed up with you, just ashes, but we both know that you weren't home

Your home was in our daughter, and the beating of her heart

Shes the music and the cadence, the songs you sang to her and I

i'M SO SORRY YOU ONLY KNEW HER WHEN SHE HAD JUST BEGUN TO START

I won't blame her for hating that I kept her from her rights and hid behind lies

I know you forgive me, but try telling that to my inner voice

I was stubborn, I was stupid, I thought I was making the right choice

Your autopsy came in, but I can't open the link that describes

how alone you were without me, you broke your promise as expected, forever chasing that endless high

I know you loved us, you know I waited, you know I wanted nothing more

Than for you to swallow all your fear, fall asleep by my front door

Oh, love, you were the only other, who knew what we had in her

Now I'm the only one who feels that, overwhelmed and insecure

If we talk of regrets, baby you know I have just the one

The one that had me running scared, obeying a dictator so I wouldnt have to run

How naive was I, 26 and alone,with a life more precious than mine

You know I would do anything for her, love, so perfect and divine

I never thought, never fought, never spoke up like I had always done before

I nodded, agreed, fight all fought out of me, the fight gone now,no bold war left anymore 

Instead I gave in to the delusions of an 'adult' so convincing defining the role at every turn