What I Should Have Done ✓

Chapter 29

I needed to focus on my studies again. J-term was already halfway through and my mind still raced back and forth between my stupid heartbreak over John and my dad's wrongdoing. I hadn't talked to anyone but Jessica about them since I had gotten back. Liam knew about my parents, but whenever he had brought it up in the past two weeks, I had shut him out. It was too painful.

Christmas dinner had been torture. Grampa had taken us back to the house and I had had to sit through it and play nice despite the screaming hollowness inside me. Dad had been ashamed, Mom had been hurt, Elsie had been mad, Michael had been uncomfortable, and Grampa had been caught in the middle. I couldn't forget what he had done, but after Christmas Day, I had begun to work on forgiving Dad. Not for his sake, but for mine. He was my family. My trust had been broken and he would have to earn it back slowly. But the conversations when he was transparent about everything I wanted to know about the how and why of my parents' relationship and breakup were a step in the right direction. My heart had been cut out of my ribcage with an old, rusty switchblade, then shattered and its pieces burned. But finally, after almost seven years, I could begin to heal.

Mom and I were also slowly repairing our relationship and talking on the phone regularly. I had apologized for flipping out and had given her my blessing for the marriage, not that she needed it, but it was important to her. While that, too, was a step in the right direction, our bond would need much more fixing than that. She didn't know me anymore, and I had to overcome the triggers I had associated with her over the years.

That January night, then, I was at dinner with Jessica and Liam. Those dinners happened a lot more recently since I wasn't seeing John anymore. Sometimes Linh joined us or I met up with her individually or joined her and Greg. Spending time with the two of them reminded me that I had friends aside from my best friend and my boyfriend.

It had been a long day and I was being as talkative as the grand old leafless maple trees defining the aesthetic of the wintery campus. Not only were the readings for my Forensic Psychology and Criminal Behavior class taking a toll on my sleep schedule, my healing process also drained my emotional battery. Liam and Jessica were talking about their classes and I tried to look engaged but chewed on my broccoli rather unenthusiastically.

Not all relationships were doomed to fail. I was still trying not to fail Liam, but on bad days I thought I was doing an awful job at it and was a terrible person and he'd be better off without me. He was great and I didn't want to be responsible for breaking us up. I wasn't like my parents. But maybe more of them was in me than I wanted to admit. Losing John as a friend had hurt, and still hurt, but not as much as losing the illusion for good that he might like me back one day, that I might be enough one day. Even though I tried every hour of every day not to replay the library scene in my head, trying to lock it out only made me think of it more.

Why was I torturing myself? For what? I had Liam, didn't I? And he loves me. The way he had comforted me on the phone on Christmas Day had reminded me again that I needed to be better. Then why couldn't I stop thinking about John even now, weeks after his rejection? If this was my way of avoiding thinking about my parents' disaster I might have been better off working through that instead.

"A penny for your thoughts," Liam mused.

Realizing he was talking to me, I blinked a couple of times. Both of them were looking at me expectantly.

"Nothing interesting."

My two friends' good moods exhausted me that night. So far, their conversation had thankfully left me to my revolving thoughts, even if it made no sense for me to turn the same stones over again.

"Come on, it's something. I can practically see gears turning in there," Liam probed, smiling, and brushed my hair out of my eyes.

On instinct, I caught his finger and pushed it back toward him. "You have no claim to my mind, you know?"