Free Falling

Chapter 18 | Oooh I'm Going For A Ride

~
"I want to go back
To a time before it was
Too late."
~

"So, how was your week?" Dr. Moore asks me the following Saturday.

After Monday's fight, our parents were called and detentions were given to Bridgett and I. Mom and dad weren't really that mad at me, maybe just a bit concerned.

"Just dandy." I sarcastically say.

"How so? Your mother mentioned you were involved in another fight." Dr. Moore says, raising an eyebrow.

Of course she did.

"It doesn't matter anymore. I'm over it." I say crossing my arms, pushing down the way I really feel. I don't want a reminder of what happened.

"You're clearly not." Dr. Moore says calmly, putting down the pen he was holding. "Emma, I just want you to talk to me, I'm here to help you." He continues softly.

I wish he would stop saying that.

I'm not worth it. 

There's silence for a minute before I start to speak.

"I was just so angry." I say, glaring at the floor.

"At what?" He asks.

"Alex..." I trail off. "He uh...he turned out to be Mason's cousin."

I see Dr. Moore's eyes widened slightly. "What?"

I sigh before retelling the story about what happened with Alex and Mason, and the fight and when I finish, I feel my anger build up again.

"And when the entire fight was over, how did you feel?" Dr. Moore asks me and I feel my heart sink.

Like him.

"It doesn't matter." I mumble.

"I think it matters a lot Emma." He counters.

I look out the window, and I feel the anger kind of fall away, a different emotion replacing it.

"I felt like...like Mason. The same way I did the last time I fought Bridgett. It felt like I was having an outer body experience. I wasn't myself and I haven't been for a while." I take a deep breath and he nods at me to continue, not saying anything.

"I think...deep down I was somehow depending on Alex to fix me. That if I let him in and opened up to him, he would take all of the pieces that Mason shattered, and put them back together again. But instead, he just broke what was already broken." I say, emotion suddenly taking over my voice. 

"Why do you believe that you're broken?" Dr. Moore asks softly. 

"Because ever since that night, I haven't been the same." I say, taking a deep breath. I haven't fully talked about the way he made me feel ever. 

"How so?" Dr. Moore asks, writing something down.

"It's hard to explain. When he started to...to-" I stop, my heart beginning to race as I'm trying to get that word out.

"It's okay Emma. Take your time." I nod, and take a deep breath.

"--to r...rape me." I start again, tears springing to my eyes as I say the word. "When he started, I felt so helpless in the situation. I couldn't...I couldn't make him stop..." A sob cuts me off, so I take a moment to breathe again before continuing.

"He made me feel so useless and so worthless. Like it was my fault..." I say, trailing off as the tears take over. 

"Then, when I woke up in the hospital, so broken and bruised, it felt like everything was taken from me."