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𝐈𝐓'𝐒 𝐌𝐘 𝐓𝐔𝐑𝐍, chapter sixteen! ━━
HE stared blankly at the various pictures hung up amongst his wall, where did he go wrong?
correction, where didn't he go wrong? all four of kids despised him, all four of them no longer wanted anything to do with him
;
he wasn't a good dad in their eyes, at least, not when they were conscious of it, or, not when it mattered most.
Philza Minecraft, the man, the myth, the legend, tied down by the weight of his children, acting immature and sneaking out just to get a hit of adrenaline.
none of that started happening until they were teenagers though.
Tommy and Tubbo remembered their childhood as having to ask Wilbur to take them to places, or begging Will to get out of bed and buy some groceries.
having a depressed older brother as your guardian while your dad played hero in places around the world, to say the least, sucked.
when tommy and tubbo hit age 9, phil had finally decided that he'd get back to his hardcore life once again. will hadn't moved out of the house (due to how depressed he was) and techno was no more than an hour away if they genuinely needed him.
puffy was there though! they had puffy there at every school award ceremony, every chess tournament, every school fight mishap.
she was their dad in those moments.
phil would return home for a month, catch up with his boys and go onto his next journey. it wasn't until he came home one day and tommy and tubbo were gone, will asleep in his bed, an imaginary rain cloud over him and techno wouldn't answer his phone.
phil vividly remembers the smell of his son when he walked over to his bed and frantically shook him awake. the smell of sweat and liquor was stuck in his nose forever, if you asked him today he could swear to you that he still smells it.
he wanted to cry, his son didn't move and his pulse was so faint that it felt non-existent. he picked up his son and held onto him tightly, frantically flying into l'manberg to help his son.
that was the breaking point, he would never leave their side now. he couldn't be selfish.
turns out will needed his stomach pumped. alcohol overdose. if you're not too sure what that does, let me just catch you up.
to put it simply, it's when your blood alcohol level is far too high that it begins to shut off parts of brain which control basic life support functions.
and to say phil was mad was an understatement.
when he called techno to find the boys and bring them over they had confessed to him that will had been like this the entire time he was gone.
every time he'd returned home they'd put a fake smile on their face and allow their dad to have a life outside of his children. his children were less selfish than him.
two years spent with a depressed, alcoholic, self absorbed brother isn't idle and tommy and tubbo felt forced to grow up faster than they should've been.
but then he returned, stayed for good and attempted to be the clingy loving father he was before. they didn't like that, it felt forced, fake ———- desperate.
:
his hand found its way up to his favorite photo of Will. it was the last photo they took in Silver Timbers, the most dangerous rock land in the world, will's birthplace.
will wore phil's hat as they got ready to fly into their local ravine for extra coal and iron, a creeper unfortunately awaiting their arrival.
will almost died that day.
if it wasn't for phil's fast reflexes and large wings he'd be a goner, but in that moment he dropped everything and wrapped his wings around his son, saving him from the impact of the explosion.
that's the first day he felt like a failure as a father, the very first time he looked at his son and felt disappointed in himself, the moment he realized his son was his whole world.
his eyes swelled with tears and he fell to his knees, the photo in hand as he mourned the death of his son.
the sobs of a mourning parent could be heard from highest parts of heaven and the deepest depths of hell.
he had no one there to comfort him, no shoulder to cry on, no loved one to wipe his tears. he was alone ——- just like he's always felt.
the one thing that kept him going, the one thing that made him remain strong was his children, but he no longer had them, they were gone, grown up. what was his purpose now?
the tears fell and his wings drooped, the sword he used to kill his son laid gently against the frame of his door, he stared at it for hours on end, everyday since that unfortunate day.
the dried blood serving as a constant reminder that he had in fact done what he believed he did.
he just wanted his son back ——— he wanted to receive those letters again
,
the letters that read how happy he finally was, how sober he was, how much he'd accomplished —— how he finally felt proud of himself.
was that too much to ask? was that too much to put on the shoulders of the god he prayed to? was that such a hard task?
was it?
he was officially alone, he just wanted to spend the rest of his life happy with his sons, with his wife, with his best friend ——— but we don't get what we want, not right away at least...
so let's leave it at he made mistakes, but what human doesn't?
the pressure applied to a parent is far much more than we're able to articulate, the shoes they're painted to fill is something we try to see past.
no one is perfect, so maybe it's time for us to remember that.
maybe it's time we let go of our mistakes, big or small and grow into a better person ——— allow change to be apart of our life and allow other people to do so as well.
when did change and regret become something so shameful and unheard of?
why build a stigma and make people feel guilty for feeling/doing it?
why?
- a/n: bloop :D
also! i am not excusing toxic/abusive parenting!! unfortunately there are some people in this world who weren't meant to be parents and i'm sorry to anyone who has to deal with those type of people.
this chapter comes from a special place in my heart as my mum is my superhero who has been through hell and back. i have always tried to pick apart her brain and the stories she's told me and try to get a better understanding of what she's been through, this chapter is here to showcase what phil as a father is going through!!
last note!! this chapter is around early december!!
