Under The Mango Trees

Chapter Thirty Two : In Between The Lights Of Diwali

I picked up my phone and hastily swiped the message from the dating app that popped on my screen, just the moment my mother raised her head from sweeping the floor. She thoughtfully looked at me for a second and I wondered if she had read it. No, no, she couldn't read so fast in English. I was right because her nose scrunched up and her lips drew back momentarily in a disgusted expression. Then she looked down and muttered in unintelligent words, continuing with her sweeping as if she had never looked up at me. I had done nothing to disgust her, but then again, I had done nothing at all. That disgusted her, doing nothing all day.

I could understand why since she broke her back and arms rolling and deep-frying the varieties of snacks. Her orders were piling up for Diwali. I offered to help her, but she shooed me away, prohibiting me from "messing" with her scrumptious cooking. I knew the real reason was that she wanted me to do something, something that would take me out of the kitchen and into the world, even though she was proud of her business. Her dreams were for her daughters to work less harder than her and to live more.

Sighing at my imminent failure and my mother's subsequent disappointment, I opened my chats to read the earlier message, "Can't wait to meet you! Counting days."

Her name was Aastha which meant hope, the girl that I was seeing. Our conversations had been pleasant enough. It had been a month and we talked randomly about anything from the movies we liked to what we ate for dinner. I liked her because she didn't bombard me with messages all day, respected boundaries and diligently watched the movies that I had recommended to her. Like me, she was also a closeted, confused girl who was dwarfed by her domineering parents and brothers. It was comforting to talk to someone who was in the same predicament, yet I didn't know if I liked her that way. She was pretty, not Lila pretty, but pretty. And here Lila snuck again in my thoughts . . . I was just hoping that Aastha could help me forget Lila.

"I'm not letting you both sleep-away these holidays too! Last summer was bad enough!" my mother exploded, brandishing the broom at Pavitra and me. "You both will drive away Goddess Laxmi with your laziness. I can't have you sleeping. No, no."

She forcefully pulled away Pavitra's blanket and made her sit up. Her eyes flashed to me with a hostile glint and I voluntarily sat up straight before my blanket would be snatched. The vestiges of the earlier disgusted expression still lingered on her face as she barked, "Why don't you do something? Anything! Clean your closet or go out and exercise? That friend of yours . . . The Punjabi one with that English name . . . Your only friend now that Lila's in America. Who was it? Yes, Jajh. Why don't you meet her? She always calls you and you never go as if you're busy."

"She's not my only friend," I said, but she shook her head in exhaustion, threw a miserable glance at Pavitra who was laughing indifferently at something on her phone and left the room. Thanks aai for reminding me. After that day, the day when it last rained, Jazz was avoiding me like a good girl who avoided the creeps lurking in their addas. In college, I never saw her in my adda, the library. She even purposefully missed the morning trains that I took, preferring to travel alone than with me.

I had apologized to her, but it came out so half-heartedly that day that I stopped myself midway. Now, whenever we crossed paths at college, she pretended that I was a passerby, her gaze so steady ahead that it seemed forced and false. I was hoping that time would soften her grudge because I couldn't explain the lies that I told her. No, never. I couldn't tell about Lila to anyone.

I hadn't mentioned Lila to Aastha, but if anything were to happen between us, I had to put Lila behind. Today was Dhanteras, the first day of Diwali, although it didn't feel like that because of the premonition of Pavitra's fate which would be decided tomorrow. I was going to visit Lila's house today, uninvited of course. Despite the lack of contact between Lila's parents and mine these past six months, my mother wanted to send them some sweets and snacks that she had prepared like she usually did.