Under The Mango Trees

Chapter Twenty Two : In Between Lila's Kisses

"You're weirded out, aren't you?" I spoke finally as we lay next to each other for what felt like a blissful eternity, our little thumbs intertwined. We were silent for a long while except occasionally, Lila ruptured it, using her laughter and silly comments as a hammer. She never ventured into the pertinent topic and I hadn't either, allowing myself to calm down and focus solely on Lila's hold. Now, I was ready to talk. I lifted my head, stupefied at her lack of response and half-expected her to be asleep. "Did you hear what I said?"

"I did and I'm very offended. What do you think of me? That I'll let you go just because you cried in front of me? I'm tougher than you think."

"Are you now?"

"Yes! And I understood what you said. Wait a minute." She let go of my little finger and I immediately sought hers, earning a swat and a giggle from her. "Wait, wait! Look at this." She flashed her phone screen, one Instagram page opened. There was a sullen picture of Sigmund Freud with the words written, 'Love is the most proven way to overcome the feelings of shame.' She eagerly scrolled down and rainbows and hearts were exploding everywhere like firecrackers during Diwali. "Do you feel better now?"

I laughed under my breath, squinting at the screen. "Of course, you made me the happiest girl on earth. In a second, I'm cured of all my doubts and anxieties." But what she had shown me (albeit from an app which I disdained) did make sense. I knew that we weren't born with shame, we were taught to shame others and be ashamed of ourselves. So that society could function with so-called normality, favouring the supreme men even with so-called dysfunctional us living amongst others. Burning our shame and burying the ashes. Yet, with this common sense, why was the lump of shame still lodged staunchly in my throat, melting only when Lila kissed me? Love is the most proven way to overcome the feelings of shame, the screen still read. I shifted away from the phone uneasily. "I know, I know this. But what will happen to us if anyone finds out? I can't imagine what my parents or yours will think. I don't know whether my parents are even aware that this- between us is possible."

"This . . . is love!" she said the first word obstinately, then her voice disintegrated into happiness and zeal. I was in awe with how strong she was, never faltering, never doubting herself. But with her shivering excitement, I couldn't stop myself from wondering. Was she strong or ignorant of reality? A fool or a brave optimist?

Society would always shame people, but what would happen if our families were at the forefront? They would hate me, they would hate her. Did she think of the risks, the failures, the love, the heartbreak? No possibility of a future together? Did she want a future with me?

I impulsively touched her hand which was typing something on Instagram and she looked up from her phone. "Do you care? Do you care about me?"

Her straight eyebrows struck together like two needles knitting and she reiterated, "Do I care?"

"I have reasons to ask you, you know . . . You dated Raul, in fact, you're still dating him. Technically."

"Oh, that! I'll go and break up with him." She swiftly started towards the door, jumping off the bed and I leapt across like an agile cat, grabbing her ankle.

"Wait- that's not what I meant," I said foolishly, realizing that I did want that. But I didn't expect her to be so quick about it. Was it possible . . . was it possible that she did love me? "No, no, that's what I meant, but don't go yet. I mean do break up with him---" the words tumbled out of my mouth naturally, making her giggle. "---Break up with him later, not now. Now, I want to speak to you." I spoke the last sentence with such solemnity that she moaned like a child about to be lectured by his parents. "I just wanted to ask you- why did you date that dog?"

"That dog?" She giggled at that, stopping when she noticed my stern face. "Cheeeeeeeell! I dated him because he asked me out first and you were being super rude to me." She mock pouted, then added slyly, "He's a good kisser too."

"Why don't you just go back to him if you like his kisses so much?" I turned my back to her, not wanting her to have the satisfaction of seeing my anxiety.

Immediately, I felt two arms thrown over my shoulders. "But you're the best kisser! I was so sad when you didn't kiss me back after we went to Marine Drive, you made me feel so stupid. I thought you didn't like me and that's when Raul asked me out. Why didn't you kiss me back?"

"Because you're so stupid. Why him?"

"I couldn't say no to him. He has always been so nice to me."

I shrugged her hands off and folded my ring and middle fingers to resemble a phone, bringing my hand against my ear. "Tring. Tring."

Lila's face brightened as if she was a caged student and those two words had been the sound of the school leaving bell. She hurried towards her phone, stumbling and falling on the spongy bed before picking it up. She acted like she had pressed a button and asked in a businesslike voice, "Hello, is this the jealousy hotline? Because my girlfriend is super, super jealous now. She refuses to understand me."

"Girlfriend, huh?" I cleared my throat to prevent any warmth seeping into my words at the mention of girlfriend. "Ahem, ahem. This is actually a call from the mental institution. We're on a lookout for a crazy girl---"

"Excellent! That's my girlfriend!"

"---who goes around kissing total pricks. Very clever, Lila- I mean ma'am. Why do you think your girlfriend needs our help?"

"She needs my help! Only I have the cure."

"Which is . . . ?"

Lila pounced on me like an excited puppy craving for love and began peppering sloppy, little kisses all over my face, both of us breaking into unrestrained laughter. I had to wrestle her so she would stop wetting my entire face and when I managed to climb on top of her, she was giggling so hard that her scarlet face had crumpled and her body curled. Through the slits of her eyes, she finally saw that I was hovering over her and she ceased shivering with giggles. She slowly uncurled like a caterpillar ready to emerge out as a colourful butterfly. I could see that peculiar, serious look, so rare on her face and appeared when she looked openly into my eyes. I gently moved a stray strand sticking to the corner of her lips, holding myself steady with one arm beside her. Suddenly, she pulled my chin down with a vehemence that I didn't know she was capable of, my elbow buckled and I felt low giggles bubbling against my lips. "You were taking so long, I couldn't wait! Here, here's your cure."

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