His Confusion

Chapter 17

Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday were the same. ShuYi sneaked in the room and comforted Shide. During the day they pretended as if nothing happened. Shide didn't think it weird that his scars were healing and no new ones were popping. He thought maybe he had started sleeping peacefully again.

Thursday night, sleep walking Shide was not having it. It had been enough of holding Shuyi's hand to sleep. This time he snapped just like that day he forced himself on shuyi. He was not listening. ShuYi who had been trying to calm him down stepped away startled by the aggressiveness Shide was showing.

"Gao Shi De stop! You're hurting yourself."

He stated voice firm trying to make him listen. It was unfortunate that Shide had ignored his bandage because he thought his wrist was healing and he was sleeping again. ShuYi witnessed the cuff dig deeper on his wrist as Shide tried to reach for him.

"Please stop you're hurting yourself. Please."

"Come here." Shide asked voice too soft as if drunk.

ShuYi pondered on the demand. With the way Shide was asking, he didn't want to be naïve again this time. He had not forgiven himself for the incident that happened last time. And it was like a repetition of events. He chose to stand against the wall and ignore Shide's request.

"Come here ShuYi."

ShuYi shook his head in denial.

"Come here please." Shide beckoned with his free hand.

"No, you're scaring me please stop."

"I SAID COME HERE!" Shide shouted as he tried to launch himself at ShuYi.

ShuYi screamed startled and he moved away from Shide's reach and stood at the door.

"Please come here."

ShuYi started crying.

Shide's breathing was now sounding like a growl.

"Please wake up. I can't do this anymore." He muttered sliding down to sit on the floor, hugging his legs to his chest.

"Come here." Shide was not going to give up easily.

"You're hurting yourself. You've got to stop."

"Let me touch you."

Shide asked in a whisper and ShuYi could feel the underlying request from that sentence. Shide was not asking ShuYi to literally touch him. Shide had been getting rough with him when he was on the bed. He wanted to do more than touch him and he was not going to give him a chance.

He kept sitting there, his back against the door and Shide was now sitting on the floor his back against the bed, his hand still cuffed on the railing. ShuYi took a look at him and he could see some blood trailing down his arm.

They both gave up convincing each other. They stayed on the floor and just stared at each other.

ShuYi didn't have any energy left to return to his room. He also didn't want to trigger Shide and have a part two of whatever was happening.

That's how they fell asleep.

Shide, worn out, slept first and ShuYi slept last.

"ShuYi,"

ShuYi was in a deep slumber.

"ShuYi,"

ShuYi shuffled and that's when he felt a bad cramp in his legs. He looked up eyes half closed and realized it was morning. He looked around and saw Shide still sitting on the floor his arm raised, his wrist tied to the bed.

"What are you doing in here?" He asked with a hard voice.

"I heard you screaming yesterday." ShuYi responded rubbing his eyes.

"I always lock my door."

"Can you please untie yourself first. It's really disturbing to see dried blood and a fresh wound."

"Answer me first what are you doing in here? How did you get in?"

"I unlocked your door. Let's talk after you freshen up. I'll be waiting in the lounge."

Shide was stupefied.

He hadn't wanted to show ShuYi this side of him. Little did he know. He took the key from where he hid them and unlocked the cuff. He felt excruciating pain and saw how damaged his wrist had gotten. He needed to go to the hospital for this and more. But before then he needed to make sure ShuYi was ok. That nothing happened last night.

He washed his face and bandaged his wrist after cleaning all the blood. He went out and saw ShuYi sitting on the sofa waiting.

"We are going to be as honest with each other as possible right now." ShuYi sat up on the couch and yawned. He grabbed his hair and pushed it back.

"I'll go first." He continued. "You need to get admitted to the hospital again."

"I know." Was Shide's answer.

"Why were you hiding it?"

"I didn't want to go back to the hospital." He really didn't enjoy the previous process.

"When did it start again?"

"It's been a few weeks."

"Why did it start again?"

"I've not been sleeping much and I had a lot on my mind. My medication is not working anymore. I....i..

"I said honest." ShuYi reminded.

"I've been having dreams about you. About us. I've been seeing us having sex every time I close my eyes and I couldn't sleep well after that."

"Because it disgusts you?"

"I'm confused." Shide barred his heart. He was indeed confused by everything going on.

"Why are you confused?"

"Every time I see you I just want to try kissing you. I want to hold you like I've seen me do in the dreams. I feel like I have new feelings for you. But I'm not sure if it's me or my unconscious self feeling this way."

ShuYi felt his heart tear up at that. It was neither good nor bad news.

"Why were you in my room?" It was Shide's turn to ask.

"I came to comfort you. You were really distressed yesterday."

"How did you come in?"

"I had someone creat a key from your lock.

"When?"

"Last Sunday."

"How long have you known?"

"It's been a few days,"

"Did I hurt you yesterday?"

ShuYi looked up at Shide. He wanted to sugarcoat it but he was the one who insisted on honesty. "You wanted to...so bad, that's why your wrist was worse when you woke up. You used to fall asleep as soon as I held your hand but yesterday it was not enough. You wanted to do more and you don't listen when you're like that."

Shide nodded. "I'm sorry." He apologized.

"Me too." ShuYi responded not sure why he was apologizing too.

"I'll go to the hospital this afternoon after a few emails."

"Ok. I'll go get ready for work then." ShuYi walked away and when he was about to turn he stopped and turned around to face Shide.

"But Gao Shide," he got Shide's attention and continued,

"Whether unconscious or not, it is still you."

And that left Shide with even more confusion.