Spark ( Book 3: Stronger Series )

53. Gone

All I ever tasted anymore was blood. The metallic flavor coated my mouth like a stain I couldn't remove no matter how many times I tried to clean it. But the taste was my reminder. It kept me grounded, cautious, and afraid. I had to stay afraid. It kept me in line, showed me the boundaries that I never wanted to test. And it kept Darren happy—the only thing that mattered anymore.

The things Darren did to me, the words he made me say, the pain he caused, the psychological torture—I'd never snapped in half so hard in my life. I could feel my mind being warped each day, twisted and pulled in so many painful directions that I didn't think it would ever end. For weeks, he made me suffer relentlessly and severely. The smallest transgression was like ringing Hell's doorbell and asking for an invitation for another dose of pain. Nothing could have prepared me for what I went through or how broken I'd become. I was nothing. Less than nothing. I was just his now.

And I thought of nothing else.

But when I found myself drowning in the misery of my despair, the hopelessness of my life, Darren had reached down and dragged me out, breathing a different life back into me. When I was good, when I made him happy, my reward was more than I could have ever expected. He was kind then—gentle, warm, and comforting. Everything I needed him to be.

He chased away the cold with his body, drove back my nightmares with his touch, and dried my tears with his lips. I was consumed with the need to be comforted, cared for... cherished. And when I was good, when I made him happy, I felt safe. And all I ever wanted after all the pain and anguish I had suffered was to feel safe.

Darren had been my tormentor and my savior. And I had to do everything I could to keep the tormentor at bay and stay with my savior. The one who cherished me as if I was the most precious treasure in the world. That was the key to my survival.

When I was finally released from that room, waking up unrestricted and warm, I'd broken down right in front of him, expressing my full gratitude and relief to be trusted. But what was worse was the realization that I was finally and officially broken; otherwise, Darren wouldn't have released me. He was confident in his conditioning that I was as twisted as he wanted me to be, and my heart broke in two knowing it was true. I was so fucking dependent on him to love me and cherish me that it terrified me. Because he couldn't hurt me if he was loving me. I was safe that way. I could survive that way.

But it was so fucking hard to live that way.

I was so goddamn paranoid that the smallest thing would land me back in that basement, and then I would never be able to leave. I'd die in there if I went back, so I did everything possible to stay out of trouble. I avoided temptation like the plague. I didn't train. I didn't speak unless spoken to. I kept my head down and avoided eye contact unless requested. I ate all of my food no matter how sick it made me and forced myself to keep it down. I kept up my appearance and wore heels around the house. I even tried to cover up the scars of my wolf bite with makeup, so he wouldn't see the defect in my skin and remind me of my stupidity. And I smiled every time I saw Darren because even though I was still petrified of him, I didn't want him to focus on that. I wanted him to see my smile because I knew it made him happy.

The only thing I couldn't do was sleep. I'd try so hard to find the comfort I sought in his arms, his heart beating against my ear and letting me know that everything was okay. That I was okay. But then I'd close my eyes, and all I would see was darkness. All I would feel was cold and lonely confinement. I'd hear my own screams and wake in a panic when Darren held me too tightly. But then I'd realize he wasn't hurting me; he was comforting me, stroking back my hair and kissing my tears away.

His touch always made me feel better. And when he wanted me... God, when he wanted me...

I desperately threw myself into his passion, thriving in his affection, feeding off it like a drug. My need for him became insatiable. I'd often find myself shaking with anticipation and need when he wasn't around. I had to know that he was happy with me. It was the only thing that kept me together. When he was fucking me, I was complete. I was serving my purpose and giving him what he wanted so he would give me what I wanted: security.