Sweet on You

Chapter 19

Lydia spent the whole afternoon playing her conversation with Xander in her head over and over again. At one point, she started saying it out loud, which Rhia would then pretend to be Xander and say something incredibly un-Xander-like. Though, Lydia had to admit it was cheering her up.

"Just so I understand correctly," Rhia began while she attended to the pastry dough she rolling out in front of her. "He assumed you would bring Joel because you two haven't spoken in a few days?"

Lydia didn't look up from the cake she was decorating. "Yep. I would ask what his problem is but he never lets me in, never tells me what's on his mind. Anytime he begins to share a fraction of his life with me, he shuts down. How am I supposed to--"

She didn't even know the words. Relationship seemed like a stretch but not too far-fetched given how intimate they had been. Lydia never had sex just for the hell of it. She knew how she felt about Xander and what it meant to her, but she had no clue what it meant for him if anything at all. She shook her head, more to herself than anything else as if it would shake away all of her overthinking. "I don't know."

Rhia cast a look in Lydia's direction. "Men are too complicated. Hence why I prefer women."

Lydia huffed out a laugh. "If I could choose who I caught feelings for, I'd happily choose someone less complicated than Xander."

Rhia began layering the pastry dough for her croissants and shrugged. "At least catching feelings for your broody bodyguard isn't as scandalous as bringing your white girlfriend to your very conservative older cousin's traditional Indian wedding."

"Oof," Lydia sighed. "I take it that did not go very well?"

Rhia smiled, her hazel eyes bright under her dark lashes. "For my family, no. For us? It was fun to watch them squirm." She shrugged once again, truly seeming unbothered. "Most of my family was okay with it, but those who weren't wasn't much of a loss there. I prefer to surround myself with people who respect me and my relationship."

Lydia nodded, feeling a tightness in her chest. Her other cousin, Darian, was put through so much hell in high school because he was gay. Their family wasn't bothered by it, but he had a hard time accepting himself for a while. Lydia met her co-worker's gaze. "You know, I really admire you Rhia."

Rhia looked taken aback at the statement, the slightest bit of a blush bloomed on her tan cheeks. "Thank you, Lydia. For what it's worth, I really admire how you've been handling everything. I think your father would be really proud of your strength."

After a moment, Rhia waved her hand to the side. "Okay, enough with the pep talk crap. If you need a truck to dispose of Xander's body, my brother has one we could borrow but you need to provide the shovel."

Lydia placed her pipe bag on the counter and looked at her friend with a look of shock. Simultaneously, the pair broke into a fit of laughter.

###

When Lydia got home, her house reeked of smoke. She rushed in to find Xander leaning over the kitchen counter, his eyebrows in a knit line of pure focus.

"What happened in here?" Lydia asked, walking slowly over to Xander.

He looked up from whatever he was doing and offered her a sheepish smile. "I tried to bake you something and I burnt it."

He pushed the cake tray he had been towering over to Lydia. She dropped her purse to the ground, approaching the supposedly burnt cake. It was hard to tell if it was, indeed, burnt because Xander had lathered an obscene amount of chocolate frosting on it. He watched Lydia inspect the cake and scratched the back of his head. "It's not anywhere near good as yours but I wanted to say sorry and then that didn't feel good enough, so I wanted to bake you something as well."

Lydia stared up at him, noting the sincerity that lined his face. "Thank you."

Xander took her hands in his. "I don't see you as someone I'm just sleeping with, Lydia. I like being with you, talking with you,  everything, as long as it's with you."

Lydia blushed at his confession, but she still felt weary. He knew so much about her and her life, yet, she knew so little about him, aside from a couple of pieces of information he gave her while they baked Audrey's birthday cake. She looked away. "I can't be with someone who doesn't share their life with me, Xander."

"Okay," he said, his voice husky. He sounded hurt, but it didn't sway him from his intentions. Instead, he gestured for Lydia to sit, offering her a fork so she could try the cake as he spoke. "I grew up with my grandparents because my parents wanted nothing to do with me or them. When they died, I was eighteen. My grandfather died of a heart attack and my grandmother died a month later in her sleep. After that, I was on my own and--" he stopped for a moment, his throat bobbing as he recalled something Lydia suspected was difficult. "--and I made some really shitty decisions."

Lydia put her hand on his, to let him know she was there, but to also let him know he didn't have to say anything he didn't want to.

"My biggest fear is fire," he said finally, not meeting Lydia's eyes. "Because a couple of months after my grandparents died, my best friend and I went to a party. I got wasted and Evan offered to drive me home because he was sober and didn't want me to get behind the wheel." He gripped her hand tightly and she looked at them, realizing what he was telling her. "We got in a crash. I was so drunk I don't remember what happened, I only remember waking up, upside-down and the car was on fire. Some people who saw the accident helped get me out but by the time they got me out, it was too late. The flames were getting bigger and Evan wasn't moving at all. I ran to get him out, stuck my hands into the car. It wasn't until the firefighters pulled me back that the car went up completely in flames."

Xander looked up at Lydia, his eyes glistening but no tear escaped. "In the span of four months, I lost my grandfather, my grandmother, and my best friend. That's why I have a hard time letting people, you especially, in. Because every person I have ever truly cared about died."

Lydia put the fork down and removed her hand from his. She stood from her stool at the counter and approached Xander in his. She pulled him into a tight hug, his head resting on her chest. He wrapped his arms around her waist tightly and she buried her hands in his hair.

"I'm not going anywhere," she murmured, kissing the top of his head. "You're stuck with me."

Xander chuckled half-heartedly against her. He pulled back and stared up at her, his usual cold brown eyes warm like golden honey. "You don't think I'm a horrible person?"

Lydia rested on his lap, throwing her arms around his shoulders, and shook her head. "To blame yourself for his death is like blaming the weatherman for predicting sun and then it rains. At the end of the day, he can't control the weather, just like Evan couldn't control getting into that accident." She cupped his cheeks. "You can't control the things around you, Xander, so there is no use punishing yourself for things beyond your limits."

Xander nodded and rested his forehead on hers. "Thank you."

###

The nightmare Xander had told Lydia about must have struck again because Lydia awoke to Xander yelling her name, his breathing fast and panicked. She never heard him have these nightmares before because he had always slept in the living room while she slept in her room with the door closed and her television on.

He let out a series of incoherent words that sounded like a plea and Lydia reached out to him, placing a hand on his chest.

"Xander," she whispered softly, when he didn't stir, she tried again, louder. "Xander."

Xander's eyes opened, his breath hitching in his throat. There was panic in his eyes, but it quickly faded as his gaze rested on Lydia. "Sorry."

Lydia ignored his apology, finding it unnecessary. She sat up, pulled him close, and rested his head on her chest.  Together, they stayed like that, until Lydia felt Xander's tension leave his body and his breathing began to relax, and he was back to sleep with no nightmares for the rest of the night.