Study Abroad (Harry Styles)

Chapter 14 - Realization

I'm pretty sure my mom knew what was going to happen. If not, she probably had a good idea because her face clearly held a grin that was not leaving. I, however, do not think my dad had any clue what was going to happen, because he was smiling at the two of us as well, something he would not be doing if he knew that I had kissed Harry, and wanted to do it again.

"What's going on here?" My mother asked. Something in her voice confirmed my thoughts that she knew exactly what was going on. She was still smiling profusely and looking back and forth from Harry and I.

Harry didn't seem phased by this at all. He was smiling too. Everybody was fucking smiling, except me. I was actually shitting my pants. I'm 22 years old and I'm afraid of my parents catching me kiss a man I met four days ago. My awkward life story.

Harry took this opportunity to answer's my mother's question, seeing as I was not going to. I obviously wasn't very good at hiding my embarrassment. Before my father could catch on to what the three of us were clearly in on, I turned around and pretended to fiddle with the cookies as my new friend and parents carry out a conversation.

"Oh, we were just waiting for the cookies to finish baking. Is everything set up for tomorrow?" My friend asked. Harry seemed genuinely interested in my mother's day and how everything is actually coming along. Part of me knew that part of him was just being polite, but I think there was more to it than that. And this fact was a bit surprising to me. I think it was here that I realized that Harry was no douche or anything around that area.

I think I knew that since I've talked to him at dinner yesterday, but the whole four days I have known him, I have considered him somebody looking for a childish relationship, if a relationship at all. It dawned on me that if that is all Harry wanted, why did he fly across the world with me? Why does he always ask about me and make me the center of his attention? Why is he always putting my needs and wants before his?

He has made it very clear how he feels about me, but being the stupid girl I am, I didn't see any of it. He always reassured me of my doubts and made me feel like somebody more than just a girl.

I decided yesterday that I was just going to let myself experience whatever Harry was going to do to me, but I don't think I understood what I was getting myself into with that thought.

I wanted Harry. God, did I want him. And now, I think I understand that he wants me too. But I'm still Charlotte, he's still Harry, and I'm not going to allow somebody like him to settle for me. He deserved better and I'll be damned if he doesn't get what he deserved because of me.

I was not going to tell him this now though. It would have to at least wait until after the funeral. I cannot deal with two losses right now. Right now, I needed his friendship. I needed his comforting touch and words. I was selfishly going to take this, another reason why I don't deserve Harry. I promised myself that after the funeral was over that I would stay away from Harry.

This new revelation hit me like a ton of bricks. I couldn't breathe, my head was spinning, and everybody was looking at me. I was going to have to let him go before we took this too far because Harry didn't need to settle for me. He's going to argue it when I do it, but I have to ignore it. I have to do this. He won't let me believe that I don't deserve him, but I know that it's true. I know that Harry can do better and I don't care what he says, I have to let this perfect man go.

Harry and I's cookies were on the floor and big, strong, warm hands were on my shoulders as I concentrated on breathing. Apparently while I was making the worst realization of my life, Harry had held a full conversation with my parents, who were now not in the room. Thank God.

Harry was softly rubbing my arms up and down, whispering words into my ear. I didn't know what he was saying as I couldn't focus on that. I could only focus on what I was going to have to do.