Unstable

Chapter 4

The dream circled around in his head and made him continuously dizzy. It had felt so tangible, and he swore he could even smell James' cologne in the dream. The cologne followed him throughout the day, taunting him and making him feel ashamed for his mind even creating such a scenario. Once his usual library visit rolled around, he silently prayed that it would be alone because he definitely couldn't face James after murdering him in his subconscious.

The enjoyable smell of ancient books and dust was interrupted when the door swang open and a certain brunette waltzed in. Rather than ignoring the sight, he couldn't help but stare. It was as if he was in disbelief that James was still alive, even though he knew it was only a nightmare. When he came closer, Regulus examined his features and recognized that his face was still full of life, and that he still had an untouched air about him. Once the boy came close enough, he was asked, "You're staring. Do I look especially good today?" And that was accompanied by a hand combing through the brown, fluffy hair. It wasn't as curled as Regulus' but certainly had a wave to it.

Regulus could only a muster to shake his head, trying to not look like he had been poisoned or was scared for his life. He could feel how tense his own face was, but couldn't manage to smooth out his features. The anxiety and pictures of the night before made him feel violently ill again. "I killed you in my nightmare." His voice was shaky, and he was worried he might cry if he didn't steady it. "I don't want to kill you." He choked, immediately regretting opening his mouth.

James considered his words for a moment, and Regulus saw his confusion. Maybe admitting his own evilness would finally drive James away, although admitting anything had not been planned. James laughed, to his surprise. "Don't kill me, then." James laughed, like it was the most ridiculous thing he'd heard.

"I don't want to kill you." Regulus repeated, his voice cracking. "I didn't—"

"Relax. It was just a dream. I've dreamt about jumping of the astronomy tower because I thought I could fly. That doesn't mean I'm going to." His tone was comforting and calm, too calm considering Regulus had just told him something so gruesome and twisted. "Follow me." James directed and lead the way out of the library. In his distressed state, Regulus simply did as he was told. They walked only a few yards away, and James pulled him into a broom closet. Regulus didn't even have the energy to fight or ask questions. "I figured you didn't want me to hug you in public." James said, then took a step forwards and wrapped his arms around the smaller boy.

It was immeasurably comforting. James' wide shoulders and bulky arms made Regulus feel oddly protected, and he finally understand why they called it a "bear hug". He made sure to not let himself cry, as he would never be able to forgive himself if he did. James rubbed his back slightly, as if to say "it's okay", and it put his mind at ease. For the first time since they had met, Regulus' hatred was almost nonexistent and his strong smell was almost...enjoyable. His instincts told him to snuggle in closer, wrap his arms around as tight as he could, and never let go. Hugs were extremely rare in his household, and they were usually cold and quick when they do occur. But James was warmth, James was the sun and his hug was full of tenderness. Finally, he gave in and grabbed onto the back of James' robes—getting as close as he possibly could. It wasn't one of his finer moments. In fact, it was the type of moment he knew he'd regret as soon as it was over, but Merlin did it feel good in the moment.

As the taller boy began to pull away, Regulus tightened his grip and kept him in place. His fists were clutching onto the robes as hard as he possibly could, making his knuckles white and shaky.

This action made James wrap his arms tighter, making sure to make Regulus feel as secure as possible. It was a side he had never seen before, so emotional and fragile—like the small, abused boy he was. His instincts told him to play with Regulus' hair, but he stopped himself because it was such an odd thought. If Sirius saw this, he knew he'd feel much more confident about his brother's wellbeing. Granted, it was a terrible sight to see, but it showed the humanity that Regulus still possessed and that Sirius had feared was drowned out. When he looked down, he saw how small the boy was and only felt immeasurably more protective—had he always been so scrawny? The black hair was stark against his pale skin, as if he had never seen the sun, and the only color was some brown birthmarks that littered Regulus' neck.