enigmatic |t.r.|

14.

meredith doesn't remember a lot of things from that night but she remembers thinking one thing

so this is what dying feels like

and she is suprised

because dying was supposed to be ugly and messy,

death was supposed to be the end of pain

but her death was painful and beautiful, she doesn't want to be alive again.

everything about their night resembled death;

soft touches, the forbidden ones, like Hades kissing Persephone every time a new soul joins them

soft touches that slowly become more desperate, like the need for the living ones to mourn

soft kisses, the lonely ones, like the last tears strolling down a lover's cheek, a lover mourning for their lover, for their lost love, for the irony of having to live when their other half is gone, for the pain of having to survive without knowing how, for the duty of remembering every single thing because they're the one left behind, for the burden of having so much unspent love and no one to offer it

soft kisses that slowly become deeper, like a body laying still under six feet of soil and tears and crushed dreams, six feet of moments not lived and memories not created, six feet of empty space and unsaid words, six fucking feet of loneliness

soft sounds, the erotic ones, like the need of the soul to reunite with the body even after death, like the need of the body to decompose and finally find peace, like the need of the body to get rid of the soul and the tragedy coming with it

soft sounds that slowly become louder, like the speeches the living ones whisper and shout between their tears, speeches about the past, speeches long forgotten after the realization of the horrible truth, that they are the only ones remembering those memories and they will be gone soon too

soft bites, the bruising ones, like the emptiness that lives inside the living lover's chest when their heart is dead and gone and six feet underground but they have to stay on the surface because life goes on but sometimes it doesn't even if it does, sometimes life just freezes in this exact fucking moment

soft bites that slowly become rougher, like life after losing someone, like remembering again and again, like moving around pretending it doesn't hurt everywhere, like dying second

soft breaths, the last ones, like the ones that come out with every cry and every word, the ones that feel like a privilege because in the underworld there is no air just mud and lungs are the last ones to decompose because they always pray and hope for air and hope always dies after the first lover and before the second

soft breaths that slowly become heavier, like the world falling on the living lover's shoulder, crushing them down fast but lovely, breaking them down because sometimes your life dies before you do and when that happens you die of love too

their night together contained the intimacy that comes with tracing someone's skin and knowing it like the back of your palm even after they're gone

their night together contained the terror and the relief of being and not being the last time because even death can't break promises

their night together contained the sacred magic of dying, because death means your soul leaves you body and for the first time since birth, you become two and separation means pain and death means the end of pain and your soul is free and your body is not and you-

what the hell are you without a body and a soul?

and meredith found the answer in tom riddle's arms, because with him she had no body and no soul and still, pain somehow found her but it was different this time because there was no body to be hurt and no soul to be tortured.

without a body and a soul, you're finally free.

without a body and a soul, you finally start living.