I would be lying if I said the brief interaction I had with Ginny Weasley hadn't bothered me. It was like one of my worst fears had presented itself to me in a clandestine parcel, placed right at my doorstep. As soon as word of Draco and I spread, I would no longer be Erica Thorncroft; I would be known throughout the castle as Draco's girlfriend. Being his was easy when I didn't consider the strings that came attached to the title.
I kept quiet about the matter for the rest of my courses; sitting right next to Evelyn, Penny and Greta in transfiguration and charms classes like today was any other day. I kept waiting for someone to cast me a dirty look in the halls, or perhaps catch a whisper of someone saying "That's her. That's Draco's girl." The anxiety was nauseating. I was well aware of the propensity at this school for people to gossip; for instance, I had heard many things through the grapevine about Harry Potter. So even though they weren't talking about me now, they would be talking about me later. And I was determined to remain in normalcy for a little while longer, even if it meant putting off telling my friends the truth.
I have so many secrets I'm keeping from them. At this point, I might have to start keeping a log.
I just about collapsed into the safety of my bed when we returned to our room to get ready for lunch.
"Robbie does this thing with his tongue that I'm beginning to hate," Greta complained, brushing her rust-colored waves in a levitating hand mirror. "I'm thinking of casting langlock upon him just so I don't have to deal with it anymore."
"I wish Adrian would use tongue," Penny griped, helping Evelyn apply a wrinkle-eliminating charm on her clothes. Evelyn had dozed off in charms class, so the front of her uniform was disheveled. "He kisses me like a bird eating chicken feed. Always peck, peck, peck."
"Birds can be quite charming," Evelyn said dreamily, holding out her arms so Penny could straighten the sleeves. "I saw a stork on the astronomy tower once that I thought was quite handsome."
"But do you really want to be kissed by one?" I quipped playfully. "A fish might pop out of its mouth and into yours."
Evelyn rolled her eyes as Greta and Penny chuckled. "Well, it could have been an animagus for all we know," Evelyn said with earnest naivety.
"Ah, the greatest love story ever untold," Greta mused. "Evelyn and her dreamy astronomy tower stork animagus-"
The door to our bedroom suddenly flew open. Pansy Parkinson stormed into the room, her glossy black hair pulled back into a stern ponytail, looking like she was ready for a fight. She was scowling at me.
"Pansy?" Penny looked at her older sister with alarmed confusion. "What are-"
"You whore," Pansy spat at me. My entire body froze. My roommates looked between Pansy and I, completely perplexed. A feeling of dread spread throughout my body.
She knows.
"Pansy, please-" I began to say hoarsely, but she interrupted me, coming menacingly closer.
"I hope you know that he's only using you as a distraction," she hissed, her eyes glowing with fury. "You're just some young, dumb thing who's volunteered herself to be his slutty little stress ball."
I gritted my teeth. I couldn't think of a response- I was too caught off guard.
Penny gripped her sister roughly by the arm. "Who are you talking about?"
Pansy laughed dryly, her penetrating gaze never leaving my face. "This little slut seduced Draco."
Penny blinked, standing beside her sister with a look of quiet disbelief on her face. Greta and Evelyn burst into dismayed cries.
"Erica... you-!"
"Draco?"
"I thought he was off-limits to all of us!" Greta whined, her levitating mirror dropping deftly to the ground. "That's not... that's not fair!"
I attacked my lower lip as Pansy relaxed into cool indignation. "It seems you haven't told your friends yet. Good. You ought to be ashamed."
I curled my hands into fists. "I'm not the one throwing a tantrum, Pansy," I replied, biting back rage.
Pansy inhaled stiffly through her nostrils like a bull preparing for a fight. "You're nothing but a phase. A toy for him to play with until he gets bored. And you-" she exhaled shakily, pointing a finger right at my throat, "You should know better than to take advantage of him like this."
I began to tremble, trying to keep my back straight and my head high. Pansy's words- they weren't words from a jealous ex-lover like I initially thought. They were words from a protective friend. And she thought I was using Draco's stress as leverage to get myself into his life. That I was just a momentary distraction.
My friends stood by and said nothing as Pansy continued to tear into me.
"What is it that you want from him?" Pansy accused, crossing her arms. "Is it power? Money?" Her eyes narrowed. "You've always been a quiet girl. You actually struck me as rather naive and bland. I never would have guessed that underneath that dull exterior you're actually a scheming, whoring-"
"He pursued me," I finally said, with a rising viciousness that made everyone's eyes widen. "So you should be asking him that question, instead of grasping for excuses and calling me a whore. He was the one that wanted to go public. Not me." Pansy stepped back. She looked like she wasn't expecting me to defend myself.
In a chillingly level-headed voice, she said, "...It will never last." She turned quickly and left the room, slamming the door behind her.
Penny, Greta, Evelyn and I weren't laughing anymore, or even looking at each other. It was like someone had poured an ice-cold bucket of lake water over us all.
I clutched my bedsheets in my fists. My mouth was dry as bones. "I didn't mean for you all to find out this way," I croaked quietly.
I raised my head to find Penny looking at me coldly. She wasn't filled with rage like her sister; no, the look in her eyes was worse than anger. It was pure, unfiltered betrayal. And it made me want to cry.
Without saying a word, Penny roughly picked up her wand and left the room. Evelyn silently followed, casting me her own silent look of hurt. I stared at Greta hopefully, wanting to hear her comforting words, or at least get a glance of reassurance. But she silently set down her hairbrush, rose from her bed, and walked to the door.
With her back to me, Greta whispered, "...I can't believe you didn't tell us."
The door closed, and I was left sitting alone on my bed, feeling anguish like I had never felt before.
---
I didn't go to lunch. It was unnecessary, seeing as I couldn't imagine stomaching any food knowing that my friends were upset with me. Even if I did go to the Great Hall, it was unlikely that my friends would allow me to sit with them. The thought occurred to me that I might be able to sit with Draco; but the possibility of Pansy being nearby made that thought infinitely less appealing. So I took my notebook to the Lake, piling on the layers and hiding myself underneath a large beanie and a green scarf pulled over my mouth so I was just an unidentifiable bundle of wool sitting on the lakeshore.
The wind bit at my cheeks, and I quickly lost feeling in the tip of my nose. It was a beautiful winter day. There was no snowfall, and the sun was shining between fluffy white clouds. I opened my notebook to a blank page. My brush hovered above the paper. It never made contact.
Paint. Paint something, god dammit.
I wanted to paint something. My mind was swimming with the beautiful things I had seen at Draco's Manor; the angular hedges, the snow-capped roof of the mansion, the glittering scales of the Dark Lord's pet snake. But it was like my creativity was tethered to my emotions. I was so emotionally wrought by Pansy and my friends, any ability to bring the images to the page were choked like a dog on a chain.
I closed my book and pressed my palms to my eyes. I was making a mistake. I loved Draco, but was sacrificing my friends and neutral public image worth it? At the very least, I should have been able to own up to it and tell my friends before they had to find out from Pansy. What Pansy had said to me really stung. But Penny glaring at me vacantly, at a loss for words for once in her life... that had hurt more than any insult.
I finally allowed myself to choke out a sob.
"You're nothing but a phase. A toy for him to play with until he gets bored. And you- you should know better than to take advantage of him like this."
Was Pansy right? If Crabbe and Goyle were aware of Draco's task, Pansy must know too. They may not know the full details like I do, but she certainly spoke like she knew. And she thought I was distracting him from the mission.
"It will never last."
That was the part that bothered me the most. For even though Draco and I loved each other, it wouldn't change the fact that I was a half-Squib and he had that damned tattoo on his arm tying him eternally to The Dark Lord. Even if we made it past Dumbledore's assassination without anyone knowing of my lineage, just how long would we continue this relationship?
I don't think I can keep this up for two more years. I'm not strong enough to live out my life here with no friends, and my mother and father miles and miles away. And my only close relative, Malachi, is a soon-to-be Death Eater. It was all too much. I wanted to crumple myself up and fling myself into the lake like a piece of parchment.
"Skipping meals, are you?"
I didn't have to look up to know it was Draco who had found me. I remained sitting on the lakeshore with my knees hugged to my chest and my hands on my eyes. I heard him sigh, then seat himself beside me on the sand. His hands grasped my wrists, pulling my hands from my tear-rimmed eyes.
"Tears?" His frown was hard, but his voice was soft. I pulled my arms free from his grip, wiping the wetness away with my sleeves, only paving the way for new tears to fall.
"It was a mistake to tell people about us, Draco," I said bitingly, looking away from him.
Angrily, he muttered, "Pansy found you, didn't she?"
I humphed an affirming response into the sleeve of my cloak. "She cares about you very deeply," I said with a bitter undertone.
Draco swore under his breath. "She's just a friend, Erica. There were instances in previous years where I led her on, but it never amounted to anything more than a few shags. She's a bull-headed person with a proclivity to be possessive over things that weren't hers to begin with." I listened to Draco's explanation with my jaw locked firmly in place. I had a feeling that Pansy was one of his past lovers- but that didn't bother me nearly as much as what she had said to me. "Whatever she said to you, I assure you it was born of jealousy."
My head snapped to look at him. "She burst into my room and called me a whore."
I saw his eyes flash with fury at that. "Did she now?" His jaw was rigid, and his tone was bone-chilling. "Perhaps I ought to silence her." I could practically see the cogs in his head turning with all of the horrible jinxes and curses he knew. It was admittedly comforting to have him so ready to come to my defense, but the thought of him doing something cruel to Pansy because of me was something I just couldn't allow.
"You will do no such thing," I ordered. I held his gaze firmly, letting him know that I meant it. "It was nothing more than a tantrum. I just wished she had talked to me privately instead of confronting me in front of my friends." I retreated back into my melancholy mood. "Because now they aren't speaking to me," I muttered.
Draco's lips flattened into a line. "I almost envy you. Crabbe, Goyle and Zabini welcomed me back to the room with a horrible rendition of Kiss From a Rose."
I blinked. "What?"
"Because your name is Thorncroft- roses have thorns, it's a romantic song-" Draco stopped himself, realizing the explanation was humiliating and off-topic. "Nevermind. They're bloody idiots. Everyone in that castle is a bloody idiot."
"So why are we telling them?" I gripped Draco's arm pleadingly. "Pansy thinks I seduced you for power, or your money. I could care less that she called me a whore, but the other assumptions she made actually made sense. What's stopping others from assuming the same?"
Draco placed his hand over mine. His grey eyes held my gaze as he lifted his other hand to my face, running a thumb across my dampened cheeks to wipe away a tear. He leaned in to place a kiss on my face. As he did so, I relaxed into his hand, feeling his warmth save me from the frigid air of the lake. His tongue met the soft skin of my cheek, and I bit my lip as he licked away a fallen tear. The hand that I had on his arm tightened its grip in the folds of his cloak as he moved from one cheek to the other, licking me with seductive deliberateness.
He pressed his forehead to mine. "You and me, against everyone else. Remember?"
I allowed myself to breathe again, feeling myself calm down. Draco had this ability to make me feel secure when I was with him. Like nothing could ever hurt me.
My gaze dropped. "Just how long do you see us lasting, Draco?" I whispered.
That question made him pull back, his jaw stiffening into a hard line. "What possessed you to ask that?" He asked curtly.
"You must have thought about it. I'm a half-Squib, and you're a Death Eater. Malachi can only play father for so long before someone is bound to find out, or I slip-up. I don't understand why you're bothering going to all these lengths to defend a castle made of sand."
Draco didn't look surprised at all to hear my concerns. He actually snarled slightly, and pulled me by the arm so we were face to face. He kissed me passionately, his tongue slipping past my lips. I wanted to chastise him for thinking he could distract me by kissing me, but the feeling was too good for me to object. It was like he was reminding me that this- being together, being near each other, touching, kissing- that it was worth the trouble, and that I was a fool for believing otherwise.
He broke away from the kiss, but held me close. "I will love you until the stars turn cold," he said in a low growl. "I would not insist on going public if I thought this was something that would fizzle out in a matter of weeks. No, you're too good for that. You're a goddess among mortals. And I want you beside me, always."
I gripped him tightly on the shore. My tears had stopped, but his words were enough to almost make them start again.
"Now would you not skip any more meals?" He implored in a commanding tone. "You make me worry when you disappear."
I gave him a look. "I could say the same to you."
Draco laughed lightly, his grey eyes squinting and creasing at the corners. "You know, the House Elves deliver food to your room if you ask."
"You've been getting food from the House Elves this whole time?" I said, amused. "I really don't think they're supposed to do that."
Draco shrugged, and folded me under his cloak into the crook of his arm. "So I exercised my power a bit. For a while, the idea of going to the Great Hall was just so... unappealing." He curled his lip, his blond hair getting whipped by the wind. "Too many nosy people there. It started to make me feel on edge."
I looked up at him from under his arm. "Well, you should probably start eating meals there again. Give the House Elves a break."
"It's their job," Draco murmured sourly.
"If I have to eat in the Great Hall, you do too," I retorted. He kissed the top of my head. I buried my face in his cloak.
"Just a warning, you may have to restrain me from using Potter as target practice," Draco muttered.
I wasn't sure if he was serious or not, but I smiled and scoffed, wanting to give Draco the benefit of the doubt that he wouldn't attack Harry Potter publicly in the Great Hall. The man holding me warmly on the frigid lake shore wasn't capable of that. There was just no way.
He held me tighter.
No way.