Know your worth. You must find the courage to leave the table when respect is no longer served.
- Tene Edwards
I looked at Malfoy for the millionth time that class. Snape had turned this into a competition which was a very, very bad move. If I was anything, it'd be competitive, especially if Malfoy was one of the people I was competing with.
My new partner was Theodore Nott and even though I did not like the guy at all, he was very smart. He had a very eerie vibe and was very big on pureblood supremacy. He gave me the creeps to be honest, but at least he was respectful. His family and mine were acquainted, so I saw him at events regularly, but I never really talked to him much. But we worked together and he didn't mess up.
Malfoy was less lucky with his partner, which was Crabbe. It took Malfoy a good 30 seconds before he told Crabbe to back off and let him brew the potion. Ever since, he had been glancing over to see how I was doing. But I was going to win this whatever it took.
"What's with the glances at Malfoy? I wouldn't take him as an example, he's with Crabbe", Theodore asked.
"Example? Hardly. I'm just checking to make sure we beat him", I grinned, carefully adding the salamander blood to our nearly finished strengthening potion. It had been exactly a week since the accident and tonight, my bandage could finally come off completely. There was some minor scarring on my hand, but most of the wounds had healed perfectly.
"Quit staring, will you", Malfoy said, clearly aggravated. His one hand was clenching the desk, turning his knuckled white and his hair was slightly messy. It brought me joy to see him so distraught.
"Quit losing, will you?" I winked, making sure to stir the potion constantly whilst Theo added powdered Griffin claw.
He grunted and focused back on his potion. I didn't like to admit it, but Malfoy wasn't half bad at Potions. He had gotten an O for every single exam these past four years. I knew that because he had rubbed it in my face every single summer holiday. But not this time.
"Time's up, hands off your cauldron", Snape said, rising from behind his desk.
"Evans, I said hands off. Five points from Gryffindor", he sneered. I gave Benjamin an emphatic look as he sighed and stopped stirring. His potion was bright pink, even though it should have been turquoise. Snape walked around the class and looked in each cauldron dropping in an insect here and there.
"Very good", he mumbled when he passed Malfoy's cauldron, causing me to curse internally. He could not win.
Malfoy glanced over his shoulder and threw me a satisfied smirk. I narrowed my eyes and shot him daggers, which only made his grin wider.
Snape passed our desk, so I straightened my back and looked at his facial expression attentively. He dropped in the insect and it swelled up. I had no idea if that was supposed to happen or not. It was a strengthening potion, not a swelling solution. Why hadn't I studied the effects properly? Snape's expression gave away absolutely nothing.
And then he walked on.
Malfoy sniggered as he watched Snape move on without a word.
"Shut it", I hissed.
"I just enjoy being better than you, Selwyn", he grinned.
"Most of your potions were rather disastrous", Snape sighed. "Only one was executed perfectly."
"Earning twenty points for Slytherin, the best potion was that of Nott and Selwyn."
The look of Malfoy's smile turning into a deep frown was a moment I'd savour in my brain for eternity.
I high fived Theo and wiggled my eyebrows at Malfoy. He threw me the foulest look and then proceeded to shove his supplies in his bag. For Daphne's sake, I had not said a word to him since Thursday and he hadn't spoken to me either, which was just fine. We split ways when we had patrol I only hung out with Daphne if she was not around him.
But today I just couldn't.
"You seem a little tense", I said as I followed Malfoy through the hallway, Tracey next to me.
"Shut it, Selwyn", he hissed. I shrugged and decided to indeed let it go. Angry Malfoy was not a fun Malfoy. But I had already created a spark and it was too late.
Malfoy turned around suddenly, causing me to almost bump into him.
"You really are a bitch, you know that?" he said, pricking his finger in my collar bone.
"Perhaps", I nodded, not very fazed. I hadn't been called a bitch many times, most people didn't dare to, but I knew most of them thought it. I didn't mind that much.
"You think you're really all that, huh?" Malfoy laughed, a dark glint in his eyes, his nose slightly scrunched.
"Well let me tell you something, Selwyn. Absolutely no one likes you." I raised my eyebrows and crossed my arms defensively. Funny coming from him.
"Always up there in your ivory tower, thinking you're better than everyone else. You're not. You have absolutely no significance and you're a disgrace to Slytherin house."
I wanted to respond, but he didn't let me finish.
"Don't think I haven't seen you hanging around the half-blood Gryffindor. If your family knew they'd disown you. You try to stand tall behind your name, but you're not worthy of it."
I swallowed. That was a painful hit. I was a Selwyn and I honoured the name. I was respectful and intelligent and my parents were proud of me for it.
"Don't you see it? Your mother constantly praises me around you. Even your own mother wants you to be more like me."
"Get over yourself Malf-"
"No, you get over yourself. You think you're so perfect and a role model. Well, you're not. You're a snob and pathetic and worthless. Your parents don't like you, the Slytherin students don't like you and even your best friend prefers to hang out with me."
"Stop talking", I said quietly, trying to calm down.
"You're absolutely worthless, Eleanor."
I bit the inside of my cheek to not tear up. I didn't cry, I never did and I definitely wouldn't in front of Malfoy. Not in a million years. I tasted blood, but it did work. My hands started shaking as his words spun around in my head.
"Stop it."
The words made deep cuts and I felt so angry at him.
"No one likes you."
"STOP IT!" I screamed, slapping him hard across the face.
I wasn't worthless. My parents were proud of me and there were people who liked me. I was not stuck in an ivory tower and I wasn't a snob. I was nice to people Malfoy would never even look in the eyes.
Malfoy stared at me with big eyes and I knew I had to get out of there before I'd get a panic attack. I gripped the straps of my bag tightly and walked on, pushing the people away who had gathered around to watch.
"Miss Selwyn, that's detention in my office tonight!" a shrill voice sounded in the hallway. Umbridge stood at the end, her hands in her sides and eyes flaming.
"Sure", I said as I passed her, not in the mood for another argument.
"Lea, wait up!" Tracey shouted, running after me. I didn't want to talk to anyone right now. Luckily the common room was just around the corner of the Potions classroom, so I quickly walked up to our dorm and locked myself in the bathroom.
I only allowed myself to let go of the shaky breath I was holding when the lock clicked. I leaned against the door and closed my eyes. Malfoy was just saying that to hurt me because he had lost the competition. It wasn't real. I was no disappointment.
"Eleanor, please open up", Tracey's voice sounded from behind the door. I breathed in and out a couple times and then walked out of the bathroom.
"I'm fine", I mumbled, brushing my hair, staring at my reflection. I even looked like my mother. I was a Selwyn.
"Oh", Tracey said, sitting down on my bed. I knew she wanted to say something, but there was nothing she could say. I always handled these situations the same way. I put out my fire and embraced the dark and cold ashes.
"It's okay to cry, you know, when there's too much going on?" Tracey said silently. I didn't cry. What was the point in crying?
"Clouds rain too when they're too heavy", she mumbled. I rubbed my hands and straightened my robes. Tracey really had a way with words, but I couldn't let them have an effect on me.
"Well I'm no bloody cloud", I said and left the room.
I made my way to the library, a place where no one could talk to me, where they'd just leave me alone.
I found a place in the far back, behind a bookshelf with books on ancient runes. I sat down with my back facing the rest of the library and tried to empty my mind because it was causing too much damage.
I was so angry and that was the problem.
Because that's the thing with anger. It's like acid. It does more harm to the body it's stored in than on the person it's poured on.
Sure, Malfoy's cheek would be red for a couple of hours and I hope it hurt a bit too, but that was it. That's where his suffering ended. Whilst for me, it had triggered so many insecurities and I couldn't let them show. I couldn't let people see that I wasn't what they expected. That I wasn't as tough as my parents. I couldn't let them see so I had to keep the acid in my vessels, letting them slowly eat away at it.
I was so tired.
By the time supper rolled around, I was fine again. I had spent lunchtime in the library to calm down so I wouldn't miss Charms class in the afternoon. I was not going to give Malfoy the satisfaction. I couldn't let him see that his words had hurt me, because then he'd know it was a weak spot and he'd take advantage of it.
Charms class did take my mind off of the situation, so when supper rolled around, I was starving, but also okay. I would be okay. I wasn't worthless. Malfoy was wrong.
I sat down all the way at the back of the Slytherin table, as far away from Malfoy as possible. I felt his eyes burn on me, but I forced myself to not look back. I was never going to speak another word to him. I was better than that.
"Hey El", Tracey said as she sat down. She had stopped asking how I was doing a while ago, because it was of no use anyway.
"Hi", I mumbled, looking at the entrance seeing Daphne walk in. I hadn't seen her at all except for Charms class. If she would take his side again then I'd be done with her. I get that she's basically in love with him, but there are certain lines you don't cross.
Malfoy motioned her over to sit with her, but surprisingly, she ignored him and walked on.
"Can I sit here?" she asked as she reached us, looking at me pleadingly.
"Of course", I said with a frown.
"I'm so sorry, Lea. You were right. He has no right to be that nasty to you and if he treats my best friend like that, I don't want him around", she said, grabbing my hand. I smiled at her and squeezed her hand slightly. It meant a lot to me that she still supported me.
"And what he said was actual bullshit anyway", she continued. "Many people like you. Ask anyone!" She crossed her arms and turned around to the Ravenclaw table.
"Oi, Goldstein!" she whisper-yelled, causing Anthony Goldstein to look around confused.
"Do you think my girl Eleanor Selwyn here is a nice girl?" she asked and I had to put in quite the effort to keep myself from laughing.
"Stop it, you're embarrassing me, Greengrass", I said, pulling her back around.
"Sure", Anthony shrugged, slightly terrified, before turning around again.
"See, everyone likes you", she said as if Anthony's "sure" had just proven her point.
"Thanks, Daphne", I smiled and finished my supper.
The argument with Malfoy had given me two hours of detention with Umbridge, though. I was not looking forward to it at all. I was so very tired and not in the mood for that annoying toad. Not that I ever was, but right now I just wanted to crawl into bed and sleep for twelve hours straight. But I couldn't. First I had detention and then patrol, fabulous.
"I'm heading off. Can't be late for detention", I rolled my eyes and stood up. Daphne and Tracey gave me emphatic looks.
"Good luck", they mumbled.
I took a deep breath and made my way over to the disgustingly pink office. I knocked on the door and a shrill yes sounded from the other side. I opened the door, put on a fake smile and walked in.
"Miss Selwyn, I've been expecting you", she said. Obviously. "I expect you're aware that I have to punish you for your actions."
"Well, most teachers start by asking what happened before throwing accusations", I said, eyebrows raised. She pressed her lips on each other in a straight line.
"I don't need to ask what happened because I saw it with my own eyes. You attacked Mr Malfoy and I do not tolerate violence", she hissed. I straightened my back and tried my best to keep myself from laughing in her face.
"Close the door and sit down", she said and put a piece of parchment and a quill on the desk.
"Although we're related, I cannot make exceptions", she chimed. Related? What an absolute joke. Our families had one connection about twelve generations ago. She and I were absolutely not related. She often claimed so to climb in the ranks of the pure-blood society, but no one believed her anyway. She was a laughing stock.
"Related? Don't make me laugh", I huffed.
"Of course. I get along perfectly with the Selwyn family. It would be a problem to not get along with their youngest member", she threatened.
"Sure", I mumbled, not wanting to get into an argument. These two hours were going to be excruciating as it is.
But I only realised how excruciating after five minutes of writing down I must not harm other students. At first I thought it was just an annoying itch on my hand, but I knew exactly what she was playing at the moment the first letter was carved into the back of my hand. I was familiar with this feeling.
I had completely forgotten about my conversation with Daphne and Tracey about Umbridge's detentions. She used bloodquills, even on Slytherins.
"Excuse me?!" I said as I dropped the quill, pushing the chair back.
"Keep on writing", she said, pushing the chair against my calves.
"I will absolutely not continue writing. A blood quill? That's abuse and is most definitely not allowed as a punishment", I stated, pushing the chair back again.
"You have no idea what is allowed and what's not. The Ministry decides that, not some little girl who-"
"Oh you bet I will find out what the Ministry thinks of this. Since you get along with my family so well, you should know their role within the Ministry."
"Oh, foolish girl. Do you really think your parents are opposed to using blood quills? I heard it is a very common way of punishment in your family."
I couldn't exactly deny that, which was infuriating. It was indeed something my parents used as a punishment when I was younger, but she had no right to abuse that information. My parents used it to teach me, not out of spite.
"Now sit down and write your lines before I add another sentence. You will obey my commands. I act under the Ministry's orders and will not allow you to question my way of teaching", Umbridge said, pushing me back into the chair roughly. I wanted to spoon her eyes out of their sockets, but it was no use. There was nothing I could do except for writing to my parents. So I bit my lip and continued writing whilst the line I must not harm other students burned on the back of my hand.
"We'll see about that", I mumbled.