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Bianca's POV
Jasmine and I talked alot about leaving the gang yesterday after my nightmare.
Most of Hades' partners are dead anyway and my sister who is the only one left is still doomed to a wheelchair till the Lord knows when.
I still get shivers thinking about the dream I had. Getting chased by the dead in a dream definitely isn't something anyone should label as normal.
I felt goosebumps rise on my skin just at the thought of it and I swallowed.
I sat outside the mansion, on the stairs of the large front porch with my arms ringed around my bent knees. The wind was cold but there was still no snow, just sun. I felt very comfortable in my plain black hoodie and black leggings, paired with my white sneakers. My short hair was still wet from the shower and I didn't have any makeup on.
I actually feel quite okay today and I know it's because I'm going out of this mansion. Michael suggested we all go to some fancy bowling alley to ease up the tension in the house. Asher even rented the place so it wouldn't be crowded since Christmas is close by.
The mansion has become a very dark place to live in. The air feels suffocating for me and I almost feel unworthy to be alive everytime I step into it. It carries so many bad memories that it hurts to live here.
So much has happened in this house. It feels like letting go of it would be as relieving as taking off alot of weight from your shoulders. I don't mean to sound weird but maybe my nightmares are even tied up to this place somehow.
It's hard to believe eleven of us used to live here and only six of us are left with Leo, Hazel, Emilia, Caleb, and Clara gone.
Six is still a lot of people but the house has become so quiet it seems like everyone's scared to make a sound now. I've noticed we all try to be out of the house as much as possible and I'm pretty sure Shawn and Michael have moved out at this point.
I heard the front door behind me open with the sound of voices and footsteps follow right after.
Looking back I noticed Jasmine and Michael walk out together, then Tobi and Shawn, who seemed engaged in a funny conversation because they were both laughing their butts off.
Blake later walked passed me with a wink and down the steps. I watched him disappear behind the large fountain about ten feet away from here.
Jasmine and Michael stayed on the porch with me but they seemed to be in a deep conversation so they barely looked my way. Shawn and Tobi where talking by the fountain.
"Hey," a large hand lands on my shoulder make me jump slightly. "Relax, it's just me," Asher says as he sits beside me on the stairs. I don't say anything and look back towards the fountain where Shawn and Tobi seemed to be taking a video or something.
"You look nice," Asher suddenly says while giving me a light shoulder bump.
I don't move my eyes from Shawn and Tobi when I reply. "Thanks," I say. "You too," I add as an attempt to reduce the award tension.
Asher laughs shortly, "you've barely looked at me," he says as I hear him change his position.
I run my hands through my damp hair which I silently regret leaving wet because of the weather and kiss my teeth. "I don't have to. You dress nicely," I tell him genuinely. Asher has really nice fashion sense, probably because he can afford the best of the best clothing with his deep pockets.
"Thanks, I've hoping you'd notice," he says, his voice maintained it's happy tone.
What's with everyone pretending like nothing happened this week? Am I the only one still hurting?
They're gangsters. They deal with this kind of shit all the time.
Well too bad I'm not like them. If someone I care about dies, I can't just act like nothing happened and I move on.
"I have noticed," I say, and turn to look at him. At that moment I realized just how close we were. I could feel the air coming from his nose on my lips and his thigh brushing my covered arm.
I hate how much I love this.
"Well... I've notice that you need to get creative with your fashion sense," he tells me.
I roll my eyes at him for ruining the moment and turn back to the two monkeys at the fountain.
"I don't give a fuck about fashion," I tell him frankly.
I could feel his eyes on the side of my face, "you don't give a fuck about anything," he says with a sad sigh.
I shifted uncomfortably and look down at the floor knowing there was much more to that sentence. Some girlfriend I am.
It stays silent between us for a while and I know I'm a big reason. I don't want to speak to anyone and he knows it. I wish I could be the girlfriend he needs right now, but how can I support him when I can barely get my shit together.
I love him regardless the betrayal and I want to make the most of him before we talk about it, but I can't just grasp myself anymore. The more days that pass the harder my shell becomes. I'm loosing touch with the world and everyone around me again.
I'm falling into depression again.
Asher breaks the silence with a frustrated sigh. "I'll be in the car," he says. I notice him hesitantly kiss my check before he gets on his feet.
I couldn't ignore the guilty feeling that overwhelmed me, making me feel like an even worse person than I am. The guilt actually angered me a little. "Is your plan to fuck me up? Is that what you want? That's why you keep saying shit like that?" I ask.
His silence proved he was surprised by my question. "W-what?"
"That's what you're trying to achieve while I'm here right?" I ask and turn to him once more with a serious expression on my face. "You knew Zoe was going to be at that restaurant-"
"I'll stop you right there. I had no idea," he interrupts with an equally serious expression and sits next to me.
"Well then, you obviously heard us talking. You heard me bash her against the fucking toilet and strangle her to death because there's no way you didn't hear anything I did. You let me kill her knowing it was going to fuck me up," I snap while staring at him straight in the eyes.
Asher doesn't reply immediately and I noticed him swallow hardly. "I had no id-"
"You killed Caleb. Just to get me to blame myself-"
Asher's eyes become dark, "Caleb was my friend. I would never-"
I couldn't help but feel disgust at that moment. Him killing Caleb was a random thought, but as seconds passed it made some kind of sense. I know I'm being dramatic but I can't help myself, I'm angry. I know I shouldn't pour out my anger on him but as you can see that's not stopping me.
Caleb is a trained fighter, it didn't make sense for him to die when people like Leo and Emilia didn't on their first time with us.
Even though Caleb sacrificed himself for someone else, it still seems fishy. Could Asher have asked one of his men to kill someone?
It feels so messed up accusing Asher of all this, but I can't stop.
"And Clara? Killing herself? She had pnemonia, not a death sentence," I snap.
"You don't know what you're saying," he snaps.
"And Antonio's number?"
"What number?"
"You put it there, didn't you?"
"What the fuck are you talking about?"
I let out an angry breath, "fine, I guess you didn't do that."
He narrows his eyes, "she gave you his number."
"And so what? She's dead, what are you going to do, shoot her dead body?"
He frowns deeply, "watch your mouth Bianca. I love you, and I'd do anything for you, but watch your darn mouth."
"Or what? You'll hang me too?" I whisper and he clenched his jaw. I cringed at my words and refrained from slapping myself in the face.
What the fuck was that?!
"I didn't kill her."
"What did you tell her?"
"Nothing," he snaps.
"You wanted me to take the blame for her death didn't you? You heard our conversation," I say. My assumptions weren't solid but they made some kind of sense in my fucked up mind, and judging by the way he's reacting they could be true or he's just offended.
"Shut up Bianca."
"You're trying to turn me into a fucking psycho like you. You want me fucked up enough to stay, don't you?"
"What some bull freaking shit-"
"Just admit it-"
"Admit what?"
"You're obsessed with me," I tell him.
He doesn't reply for a few seconds and just stared at me unblinkingly with his blue green colored eyes.
"And what if I was?" He suddenly says. "I didn't kill anyone to make you stay Bianca. All I did was let you watch. You're right, I heard you and Zoe but I didn't kill my friends."
My frown falters slightly at his words because I knew they were the truth, and I was probably being stupid.
I look away from him in slight embassment as I felt my anger die down slowly and lean back with my elbows on the ground. "I believe you, but what do you want from me?"
"I know what you're capable of, I want to show you," he says quietly.
I laugh, "show me?" I say with a louder laugh this time. "I'm going to loose my fucking mind because of you. Not everyone can handle the shit you people do and everyone deals with it differently!"
"It's too late to turn back now. Your hands are too dirty," he tells me, he sounded beyond pissed at this point but his face looked calm.
Ofcourse he won't hurt you.
Is he trying to trap me in this situation? I'm done with this gang. "I want to go home," I say and he tenses. "With Jasmine."
"You're joking," he says.
"Did I stutter?" I ask.
He narrows his eyes at me but stays silent, we maintain eye contact for what feels like forever until he abruptly stands up and walks away. He stops near the fountain.
"We going bowling or what?" He yells, completely ignoring my last statement. Everyone cheers at his words but I stay silent and keep my glare aimed at him
For a second he makes eye contact with me just as everyone starts to go down the stairs or passed the fountain and into their cars. As I felt a cold breeze pass I couldn't help but get shivers from the glare he returned.
-
"You sure you don't want to play?" Jasmine asks for the nth time as she seats next to me at our table.
I swallowed and tore my gaze away from Michael who had successfully knocked down all the pins once again. He's really good at bowling and has won all the tornaments thrown at him so far.
"I'm fine here," I tell Jasmine, locking eyes with her briefly. She took a sip from her vanilla milkshake and shook her head at me. For a second I couldn't help but admire her curls silently, she always tells me her natural hair is the most tiring thing to take care of and judging by the large number of hair products we used to have at our old apartment I know it's no walk in the park.
"I don't get you," she says with a defeated sigh and proceeds to feast on her fries, the sight made me glance down at my empty plate that once had fries and chicken nuggets.
I look around the fancy place. From it's cute neon signs on the walls to the nicely designed bowling area, then the bar and the colorful abstract design on the floor. It's a large building and very well decorated, it's not cheap either. No wonder so many rich people come here, it must have cost a fortune to rent.
Shawn said it's glow in the dark themed and all the bowling balls, bowling pins and some other things glow under a dark light but we decided to keep it nice and bright in here just to be safe.
As my eyes wondered around in boredom they couldn't help but stop at Asher who sat at another table.
He was seated with his arms crossed while engaged in a conversation with Tobi who was standing.
He didn't seem to notice my eyes on him as he spoke so I didn't look away. After our talk a few hours ago he's been ignoring me, I don't know if it's because he felt threatened or something but he hasn't even come near me since then and anytime we'd lock eyes his mood would just change until someone else gets his attention.
I'm so confused, I have no idea what to feel about him.
So he wanted me to snap because he wants to me to know my full potential? So is he just using me then?
Right now I do feel guilty for accusing him of killing our friends and I might have gone a bit too far then, but if he is willing to lie to me about his feelings for so long just so he could use me I expected alot of bad things from him.
I've said it many times but it hurts knowing the truth about him especially when my feelings where the most genuine they've ever been.
When I came back with Jasmine I was pretty nervous to meet him, but I thought my feelings for him surely would have died down by then, especially with the five years separation, but that was far from the truth.
Right from the moment he found my crying ass in the street, to the moment I kissed him in the lake, along with every moment we've spent together I felt something, and it was so different from what anyone had ever given me- even Tobi.
I should have know better than to fall in love with a bad person.
Surprisingly Asher turned his gaze to me, I didn't look away like I thought I would when caught and we ended up locking eyes.
His eyes looked expressionless as I stared at them and I knew it was my fault but what I didn't suddenly understand was why I felt bad.
He's the wrong one here. Not you.
That's true, he wronged me. I shouldn't feel bad for hurting him but I don't know what it is, something just won't let me move on from him.
He breaks our eye contact and turns away from me. I watch silently as he stands from his seat and joins Shawn and Michael's game, probably to start another tornament with them.
I let out a small breath and lean back in my seat. This is the most emotion I've felt in a while, my mind has been a jumbled up mess. He makes me feel stable but he's also the reason I'm unstable. It's a weird mix.
I turn my eyes away from him and look down at my empty plate.
"What was that?" Jasmine asks, gaining my attention. She has a confused expression on her face as she leans her face on her hand while resting her elbow on the table.
She probably saw Asher and I. "What?" I play dumb.
She raises an eyebrow, "don't play dumb with me," she says and leans closer, "what's going on with you and Mr Mafia," she asks quietly.
I bite my lip, "nothing."
"Bullshit," she snaps. She waits a few seconds for a reply but when she doesn't get one, she sighs, "fine. You can tell me when you're ready. I'm always here," she assures me and leans back on her seat while slurping her drink.
Jasmine turns to the guys just as Michael gets a perfect score, "that's my baby!" She cheers, gaining a very dramatically blown kiss from Michael in return. I couldn't help but chuckle seeing him act like that, he's usually a pain.
Next was Asher, he picked up a yellow ball and put his fingers through the holes.
It took a few seconds to get in position before he threw the ball but he did it a bit too aggressively, he still hit all the pins though.
"Woohoo!" Jasmine yells and I cringed at her volume. "Aren't you gonna cheer your man?!" Jasmine asks me but a bit too loudly.
Asher and the others heard what she said and all looked my way. Asher just rolled his eyes at me and turned away.
I narrowed my eyes at his attitude and tried not to let the hurt get to me, "he's not my man," I mumble angrily at Jasmine.
She seemed a bit too giddy to notice my mood and still practically screamed out her response. "You and Asher broke up?!"
"You guys broke up?" Shawn repeats in shock while dropping his bowling ball in the process and completely missing the pins.
"What? You both broke up?" Blake asks while walking back to us from the bathroom.
"Yes! Finally!" Tobi yells, gaining a look from everyone.
"We broke up?" Asher suddenly asks, turning to me.
I could hear the shock in his voice but the hurt in his expression was much louder making my growing anger fade within a second
I hate how stupid he makes me. He's an enemy, not a lover - not anymore.
"Well did you?" Jasmine asks, snapping me out of my thoughts.
"I'd like to know too," Asher adds, crossing his arms.
By now everyone was staring at me waiting for an answer. I know we haven't broken up but why can't I say it?
Maybe because you think it'll be better that way.
Do I? I guess our circumference doesn't really help our relationship. Especially with how I've been feeling lately, I can't bring much to it. He deserves someone better, someone who can handle his lifestyle. I might be familiar with it, but it's ruining me.
My mouth opened and closed but nothing came out. Even though I knew exactly what I wanted to say, my mouth refused to speak.
I wanted to scream no and give the biggest hug, but what's the point of saving a relationship with no hope. I'm barely putting as much effort and he doesn't truly care about me.
I finally muster up enough guts to speak but I instantly regret my words as soon as they leave my lips. "we'd be better off like that anyway."
I wasn't looking at anyone else as I spoke, only him.
At first he was shocked then he just looked beyond disappointed. "You mean that?" He asks, his voice holding a delicate edge to it from the surprise.
Sometimes I wonder if what Zoe told me was the truth, especially at moments like this. Asher is a leader and as one, he should never show much emotion or a softer side of him but naturally Asher isn't scared of showing his emotions when he needs to but he still shows them rarely. It's different when he's around me, he's more open and carefree. I absolutely love it.
It makes me feel like I bring out a better part of him. If I make him happier how could his feelings for me be fake?
"Bianca?" Jasmine calls with a softer voice.
I don't give her my attention and keep my gaze at Asher. "Yes," I say simply.
I noticed him hide his hands in his pockets, he looked calm and I knew he was trying to hide his feelings now. He's doing it well because even I can't see any waver.
"Why?" He asks, his voice echoing in the silent room as everyone watched the scene.
I shake my head at him, "don't speak like you wouldn't know Asher," I say, while sinking low in my seat.
"But I don't," he says. "Is it because of what we talked about earlier?-"
"Asher-"
"I'm not trying to drive you nuts Bianca," he interrupts me. "I never intended to affect you mentally. I just wanted you to know what you were capable of, that's it. Everyone you've killed, Zoe, Melody and Antonio were your doing. You shouldn't blame others for your regrets or you'll never move on from them."
His words felt like a slap in the face because they were right. I made those decisions, I knew what they would do to my mental health but he didn't. He just wanted to push me to be the better member that I wanted to be.
I stand from my seat and walk towards him till I'm about arms length away.
"I still have another reason," I say. I wanted to cry so bad but I held it in. I can't believe I believe what Zoe said all along.
"Bianca, I understand you're going through alot and I promise I want to help you but you never talk to me. It's always Jasmine. I'm here too, you know," he tells me, his voice thick with emotion.
How the hell am I supposed to break up with you if you keep saying things like that?
"I-I know," I say while crossing my arms. "I'm just used to Jasmine, that's why."
"I get it," he mumbles, but he was obviously upset by my answer. "What's the second reason?"
"You know it," I start. "I'm the second owner aren't I? You kept it a secret all this time and you're just using me so I can end up signing my ownership to you," please be true. Give me a reason to leave you.
"What?!" Jasmine yells.
I turn to her, "you didn't know?" I ask.
"Ofcourse I knew! We all did," she says just as Michael stands beside her.
My brows squeeze in confusion. I turned to Blake who nods silently.
"I was never trying to trick you into getting everything Bianca. Where did you get that idea from?" Asher asks, obviously upset. "You said you wanted nothing to do with it so I took over. I gave you all the money your father left behind when you left. I was going to bring it up if I noticed you gained interest again. I thought you knew."
"I..."I trail off unsurely. "But you made it seem like you knew what I was talking about," I tell him.
"I thought you were talking about my grandfather, not your gang," he replied.
I take a breif second to study his face and no lie was detected. "B-but I thought-"
"Do you really think that lowly of me? After everything I've done for you?" He says, his voice rising.
"Don't get mad at me, I thought it was true!"
"You could have asked me!" He says, "so this is why you grew distant after Zoe's death? Because you thought I was using you."
"I told you not to yell at me. It's not my fault!" I yell.
"Oh really?"he asks sarcastically, "you blame yourself for things that are not of your control but always fail to take accountability for your own actions. How fucking ironic!"
"Watch your fucking tone! You're lucky I like your face or I would have cut your stupid lips by now," I tell him and nearly face palm at how wrong that sounded.
"Why the hell would you even suspect those kind of things about me. You should know the people you can trust by now," he says.
"Can I help it? When you won't even let me go home."
"You'll fucking die if you go home and you know it! Stop making excuses and just accept you made a mistake. You're an adult," he says. His voice was much calmer.
"Fine. I'm sorry, okay!" I yell. He's right, I'm way too into my head but I know for a fact I haven't felt like this until I came back to this stupid town. I had tears brimming my eyes, "I'm sorry I hurt you. It's just hard not to be paranoid. I don't know what to believe anymore! Its all just too much okay?!"
I heard the sound of moving plates and noticed a young looking waitress taking our plates. She seemed embarrassed for walking into our conversation and had a red face.
"Pardon me," she said as she left the room with our dishes on her tray.
I turn back to Asher, noticing everyone silently watching us.
He doesn't speak and just stares at me silently. He then scoffs and shakes his head slightly. "I should have known but I get it now. I won't try anymore," Asher says after a few seconds. "You'll go home as soon as you can. I'm sorry I caused this for you, I just wanted to protect you."
"I know," I say quietly.
"You're right. We should stay separated. It wasn't going to work anyway," Asher then says, his face holding no emotion.
I don't know why, but those words hurt a thousand times more hearing it from him. My heart practically shatter as I heard my only source of sanity give up on me.
I wanted to scream no, but I stayed silent. "I'm sorry too," I tell him silently and quickly wipe away my tears.
I turn away from him and grab Jasmine's car keys in her purse.
"I'll be in the car," I tell her, feeling everyone's gaze burn into my skin.
I could tell she wanted to say something but she kept quiet and nodded instead.
I don't waste a second and walk out of the nearly empty building, to the car park and into Jasmine's car. I attempted opening the car door with my left hand which made me notice my missing finger. My hands weren't gloved as usual today and I now regret that decision.
The sight of my missing finger rose my frustration drastically as it reminded me of the incident. The memories flooded in and tinted my mind with the image of blood. For a minute I could almost feel the excruciating pain again and a shiver ran down my spine.
As I sat on the leather seat I felt a mix of thoughts in my head but all of them added to one thing. Frustration.
I wanted to run in there and beg for him back, but my body just couldn't. I didn't see the point. I felt drained and all I wanted was the life I had gained before this whole thing but even I knew I was too far gone to remain thesame.
Now that I've lost the only guy I've ever truly loved what's left to loose except my fucking mind.
I'm a ticking bomb with only one second away at this point.
AN
I know I'm a week late but Happy New Year! Hopefully this year has better memories for us.
I hope you enjoyed this very weird chapter we've got a few more chapters to go!
Have a great day everyone 💛
Elizi❤️