"Jungkook made pizzas again, are you going to eat today?" Taehyung asked leaning against my door frame
He posed it as a question but I didn't really have a choice. If I said I wasn't hungry then we'd just end up arguing again and I truly didn't feel like going through that.
"Yeah" I got up from the floor and followed him to the kitchen where Jungkook and Jin already were "Hi" my voice just above a whisper
"Extra pepperoni and red onions just how you like Noona" JK sounded upbeat today. Good for him.
"Thank you" I took the pizza and pulled out a stool from the counter and began nibbling at it
"At least eat a third of it please" He whispered so that only I could hear while setting a bottle of water in front of me.
"Okay" I sat alone, silently eating the pizza which was actually very delicious. I ended up eating more than half "Thank you for the food, it was really good"
"Back to isolating yourself already?" Namjoon said entering the kitchen from upstairs, I guess he was in his bedroom
"Hello Namjoon" I gave a polite bow to everyone before turning to leave
While we didn't officially break up it wouldn't have taken a rocket scientist to see my relationships with the guys was almost nonexistent. I was still their teacher on some days but outside of work I stayed to myself. No more sex, hugs, kisses, even saying I love you became a thing of the past. We were more like estranged roommates that were cordial to each other in passing, at least that's how it was with me.
They're still BTS so they found silver linings during the global pandemic. Despite not being able to tour they were still writing and composing music and performing and interacting with ARMY. They were committed. For them life was still moving forward, I was the only one that appeared to be stuck.
Summer was winding down and another cold season was right around the corner. Almost another year I've been in Korea, a place I used to love so much. A place I was in complete awe of when I first moved there, now I wanted to leave and never come back. Every day I was there when I didn't want to be only made me hate it more.
And I hated myself for feeling this way. Hated myself for pushing away seven of the most important people in my life. Hated myself for allowing darkness to engulf me and sadness to consume me. I hated myself for not telling them how much I loved them and how precious they are to me. I hated that I became numb to feeling. Some days I really wanted to, and thought I could, go up and just hug them, squeeze them and say I was sorry but all I did was push them away and they still tried. They tried talking to me and encouraging me to see my therapist but I was too far gone, at least that's how I felt. Like a lost cause, damaged goods and unworthy of anybody's love especially these amazing men.
I really wished this was all a dream, I wished I could wake up and still be in my apartment with Lisa having our weekly movie nights or making ramyeon or going out for patbingsu. I wished I would wake up with my old job and life. I didn't deserve the experiences and memories they gave me.
Every day I diligently checked for when I would be able to leave the country. As a foreign resident I was surprised at how hard it was to leave while an epidemic of the scale was happening.
As I went back to my room I heard something from Hobi's room that really shattered my heart, sounded like he and Yoongi were talking together.
"I'm afraid for her. She's so lifeless and numb and I'm afraid it's only a matter of time before she tries to hurt herself but I don't know what else we can do for her"
"You don't really think that do you? I mean I know she's severely depressed but babydoll would never cause harm to herself, she has to know that it'll get better eventually"
Babydoll. They still cared. Of course they did, I was the one that had given up
"Yoongi-hyung, I don't want to believe it but at this point it is a real possibility. I'm so worried about her"
I mean I felt like shit but hearing that was just the fucking cherry on top. No matter how bad I was, the idea of self harm never crossed my mind. Just how horrible was I looking and acting for him to even entertain the idea that I might hurt myself. That private conversation I wasn't meant to hear was a bit of a wake up call for me. I had to try, no not try I had to do better.
I entered my room, closing the door softly behind me and slid down the back of it feeling wetness on my face. I hadn't shed tears in a solid month, I assumed I was all cried out. But this was a good thing, it meant I too still cared. Later that night once everyone was tucked away in their own bedrooms and probably sleeping or close to it. I crept into Namjoon's room
I crawled in his bed, he was laying on his side hugging a pillow. I slide in behind him and wrapped my arms around him, no reason he'd be surprised at any one of his friends climbing in his bed but he did tense up a bit when he realized it was me
"Please just listen" my voice was quiet and shaky. He relaxed and placed his hand over mine. That simple gesture meant the world to me "Joonie, I am so sorry for pushing you away. I'm sorry for not talking to you. I still love you very, very much. I still want you, I still want us. I'm sorry I was giving up. You mean more to me than you'll ever know." He squeezed my hand reassuringly "I really hope you still love me and that you can forgive me for being so selfish...baby I'm sorry for everything"
He was unmoving. A few minutes passed and the deafening silence made me nervous. Maybe I was too late I thought and pulled my arm but he didn't release it
"Babydoll I'm sorry"
"W-what, what for?"
"I know I have been a bit of an asshole to you for a few days now. You really don't have anything to apologize for, you are going through your process and that's okay. I found myself taking my frustrations out on you and I'm sorry, I'm so sorry for making you feel worse than you already were. Of course I still love but I should be the one asking your forgiveness. I let you go through these last few weeks alone after promising to be with you every step of the way. Baby you're weren't being selfish, you were a victim and I lost sight of that. I'm sorry that you felt the need to apologize to me when you didn't do anything wrong" My eyes closed as he turned over to face me "I will never not love you Ami. I want to be there for you if you'll let me. I love you so much. So much" I feel them race down my face again and taste the salt as I lick my lips
Joon pulls my whole body into his and holds me so tight it hurts but I didn't care, I wanted him to squeeze me as hard as he wanted too. Oh god I missed him so much. How can we live under the same roof and still have so much distance between us?
"Please open those beautiful brown eyes babydoll" I do and he's blurry only until his thumb removes the tears "I love you. I will always love you"
"I love you too" I cupped his face and thumbed over his soft lips "I want to kiss you"
"Then kiss me" I do just that. It's starts off innocent enough but I wanted more. Only, and barely, breathing through our noses we make out with intensity. He pulls me on top of him and wraps his arms around my waist and continue to kiss until I need to take bigger breaths "You literally take my breath away" I feel his heart beating faster
"Likewise" he pulls the blanket back and I wiggle inside so he can cover us both up "I'm going to make a virtual appointment with Dr. Han for this week, tomorrow if possible"
"Okay, I know it hurts to talk about it but she can help you in ways I can't but I will still be here whenever you need a listening ear"
"Thank you Joonie" I peck his lips and slid off him cuddling into his broad chest "Let's sleep"
I woke up the next day at 9am to see a sleeping Joonie stil cradling me but just barely. I admire his sleeping face, sometimes I don't understand how a person can be so beautiful and how such a beautiful person came into my drab little life. He stirs a little as I touch his lips, surprising me by grabbing my hand then kissing my palm
"Good morning" he says without opening his eyes yet
"Good morning," I giggle "I missed sleeping in the same bed as you, I even missed your snoring"
"I missed yours too"
"I snore?" I asked genuinely surprised by his comment
"Sometimes, it's not bad though. It's almost cute" he looked at me with a smile "Are you hungry?"
"I think so"
"How do you think you're hungry? Either you are or you're aren't love"
"I guess I am then" he pulled me back on top of him and kissed my forehead
"Why don't you come to the office today, get out the house for a little bit and we'll all have lunch together" I climbed off his body
"Okay. I guess I could use a change of scenery and fresh air"
"And sun. You're almost as pale is Suga-hyung" I shot a glare back at him before we both broke out in gut wrenching laughter to the point I went into a cough fit before I could compose myself
"I could avoid the sun for the rest of my life and still never be as pale as Yoongi" I scooted off his bed and grabbed the door "I'll go shower and dress. What time do we leave?"
"A little more than an hour from now" he replied fixing the sheets and pillows
I walked to my room with a slightly looser chest, I felt better even if just for a moment. I got to the bottom of the stairs to see Hoseok coming out of his room
"Good morning honey, you're up early"
"Morning Hobi" I smiled brightly "I slept in Joon's room last night"
"How are you feeling today?" His lips smiled but his eyes frowned
"Less sad" I wrapped my arms around his shoulders "You don't have to worry babe, I'm going to be fine. I promise" his embrace was fast and strong
"I love you"
"I love you too" he released me and pecked my lips "I'm coming to work with you all today"
"Really?" He asked with excitement. My sunshine.
"Yup" he kissed me again then let me go to get ready
Today was going to be a good day