bri
there wasn't a bright light. there wasn't a big gate with the word 'heaven' engraved on it. everything was dark. pitch black. i was here but i wasn't. was this death? i couldn't feel anything. if i wasn't in heaven then was i in hell? there wasn't a huge fire pit with demons. maybe i was in a coma.
no. i had to be dead. out of nowhere, my hands appeared as i looked down. i was here. my body was here, in the darkness. i felt warm. then out of the darkness came light in the shape of a circle. it shined bright, it took me a minute for my eyes to adjust to it. the most beautiful flowers started to bloom around it. the light started to expand. more flowers grew and there was a sound i could not describe. it was beautiful. warm and welcoming. it was pulling me. so it is real? heaven.
i took a step forward and everything enhanced. the colors of the flowers became more vibrant than ever. there was an overwhelming feeling of peace and happiness. it was so intense that i started to cry. tears of happiness. i felt free in a way i never did. i took another step towards it. the closer i got, the warmer i felt. the more it expanded. i was almost there. almost.
butterflies flew around me landing on my arms and shoulders. i wasn't me anymore. i didn't know who brianna was. i let myself get pulled by this calming but intense vibration. almost there. i was feeling everything all at once. i felt euphoric... ethereal almost.
the feeling started to go away. something told me to turn around and i did. i frowned when i saw her standing there. my daughter. i had completely forgotten. she stood there staring. "mommy?" she said like always. i walked towards her.
the feeling came back stronger than ever. so strong it turned me back around. all i had to do was reach, it was calling me. but so was she. i looked behind me to see her still standing. "don't leave me." i stopped. everything came back. i'm brianna. i'm a mother. i can't leave her.
i knew i was already dead but if i followed the vibration, i'd truly be gone. i wouldn't see her anymore. she would grow up without a mother. it will break her.
i ignored the light and walked to her. i was being pulled harder by the vibration. the sound got louder. eternal bliss wanted me. i could be safe there. happy. i would be free from the adversities of life. i was caught in between. i reached out for her wishing she would run up to me. but this wasn't her decision, it was mine. i wanted to let go so bad. to surrender to the light. if i looked in that direction, i would've. i kept my eyes on her to avoid temptation.
this was dying.
her hand slowly rised. almost.
i watched as our fingers touched. everything changed from there.
everything disappeared. i disappeared.
but i was back into the world. or at least i think i was. i could feel my heartbeat. i was in my body again. it was the most depressing feeling ever. i can hear again. it sounded like i was in the hospital.
so i chose to live?
i was alive?
i heard the talk of nurses exchanging news. i was being touched all over. if i was alive now i needed to wake up. to open my eyes. i told myself to wake u-
i slowly opened my eyes. i was sitting up slightly in the hospital bed. i was feeling stiff. i could barely move my head. i looked to my right and locked eyes with parker. the sudden eye contact made me jump. "she's awake! she's up! call the nurse!" he jumped to his feet alerting the others.
my mother, my father, each and every one of my friends were there sitting. mason, liam, maddy, noah.
what the fuck.
did i just...
i became angry. furious even. i was screaming in my head. yelling out anything. my brows dropped and i clenched my jaw shut. i watched liam run out of the room. parker approached me. i was fuming.
why did i ever come back?
to this place?
this world.
of course this would happen to me when i'm finally happy.
the most depressing thoughts filled my head.
my anger intensified. my eyes filled with tears but they didn't drop.
why didn't i just die?
why would i want to come back to a place where i've felt nothing but pain?
i closed my eyes. this was too much. i couldn't handle this at all.
someone touched my right hand. my nose flared a bit. the anger that consumed me was indescribable. i wanted to bawl my eyes out.
i was so confused.
"brianna?" a different voice called out my name. i opened them again to see a nurse in front of me with everyone peeking behind her.
the nurse asked me if i was okay and how i was feeling. i look down at myself. my left arm was in a cast and so was my left leg. both were elevated by pillows. my stomach felt like it was in a fucking waist trainer and there was an iv in my right arm. i wished i could rip it out.
"okay... i'm assuming not great. do you feel any pain?" she notices my mood. not physically.
i tried to speak but my mouth stayed closed. my mouth was incredibly dry. i surprisingly felt no pain at all. they must've given me a high dosage of pain medicine. for a broken arm and leg, there was no pain at all. i wondered what the pain would feel like when the medication wore off.
"i think i died." i managed to say. i didn't even recognize my own voice.
why was i here?
i hated it here.
as soon as life started to get good, this happens.
this was an all time low.
i am not recovering from this one.
therapy couldn't help me now.
i wanted to die again. i wanted to see the flowers and the light. i would never feel that ever again. i wondered if i died again would the warm light still be waiting for me.
i was miserable here and always will be.
was the universe against me? maybe i was paying for all the wrong i've done in my life.
the nurse checked a few things trying not to look at me. she wrote on her clipboard and told them the doctor would be right in.
she left, leaving me and everyone i began to hate. i didn't dare to look over there until someone approached me.
"bri?" liams voice stopped the screaming in my head. i slowly turned to him. his face was tired. he looked like he had been crying for days. over me?
he looked sorry.
my jaw trembled. i close my eyes again. i don't want to see anything or anyone. i was doing that thing i always do when i try not to cry. my anger slowly faded and turned to complete sadness. although sadness was an understatement. my shoulders rised then fell back down over and over. i was trying to not cry but ended up crying anyways. not really. i was still furious. it was a battle of the emotions.
i was hyperventilating but trying to stay calm. i could feel everyones eyes on me. i was close to yelling at everyone but the only thing that would do is get me locked up in the ward.
the room was silent. i sat there not being able to move. i couldn't wait to scream. i remember seeing my poor daughter. i ruined her life. "i want everyone to leave." i look at liam.
"we're here for you bri." he tries to make me feel better. "get out!" i yell and i don't feel bad.
riley and nat are the first to run out crying. my newer friends follow. i don't care about any of their crying. the look on my parents face trigger something deep inside. i feel bad. but only for a second. they take maddy with them.
i couldn't look at her. i looked at her shoes.
parker and my brother leave.
liam stares hopeful that i would let him stay and therapize me. not today.
"go." i look away. he slowly walks away and out of the room. as soon as the door closes i grab the pillow from under my arm and scream into it. i yell, i shout. i let all of my anger out.
the doctors are alerted and they rush to my attention. i cry. they take the pillow from me and try to calm me down. "leave me alone!" i wailed over and over.
great now i look hysterical. i slapped the nurses hand when she tried to lay me down. i probably shouldn't have because the doctor grabbed my arm and one of the other nurses injected me with something. to the psych ward i go. i was out in a matter of seconds.