To Son Dongpyo.
There's a song stuck in my head...
I can't remember the lyrics or the title, but it reminds me of you.
Remember how we used to sing together like maniacs during car rides?
I had lots of fun back then. I still have, though it comes with certain consequences.
What should I do, Dongpyo-ah?
The doctor keeps on telling me to talk to someone, to let others in.
I'm really touched by the way she cares for me. She even told me her brother went through the same thing and didn't want me to end up like him.
I asked her what happened to her brother.
She only said;
"He was alone for such a long time, you know? In the end, he was so lonely he just couldn't bear it anymore."
I wanted to ask more, but she clearly didn't want to think about it.
He's dead, you know?
Suicide.
Aish, I'm getting really depressing here.
I'm sorry. Sorry for always apologizing, sorry for being such a nuisance.
It's hard to look at my scars and not remember.
I'm just relieved none of you guys have noticed.
It'll be better that way.
These coming weeks, I'm going to act like a total jerk.
I'm sorry for that.
But it's a must. I need you to forget me when it's time to do the surgery.
All I want is for you guys to remember those happy moments we spent together.
I want to remember too.
Life is really cruel, unfortunately.
It was better if I never met you at all.
I wouldn't burden you like I do now. And even so, I'm happy for everything you've given me.
Thank you, for being like a soulmate to me.
I've known since the beginning that you would never answer my feelings.
It's okay, though. I'm happy with what we had, even if my heart can't agree with me.
Junho.
~~
It feels like every waking minute, he has to hold back from crying.
Dongpyo couldn't even focus well on his studies anymore, mind always wandering back to a certain puppy-eyed brunette.
It was even worse when he spent time around Junho. In the end, he did even know if he could cry anymore.
He felt drained.
Junho isn't just anyone anymore. It has been a while since he realized how cruel he had been towards the older.
Even though he tries, Dongpyo could still not feel better or forgiven by the older. He knows Junho would've said that he shouldn't think like this and that he would love him no matter what but that was the thing.
It annoyed him utterly, how the brunette could be so selfless even though they had hurt him. Even though Dongpyo helped ripping his heart into a million pieces.
He was even rather disgusted and disappointed in himself once he realized he was hopelessly in love with Junho.
This must be some kind of punishment, that's what he thought back then.
Dohyon was always there for him, of course. Frankly, he was more worried about Dohyon.
The younger hadn't even touched the piano ever since Junho came back.
He knew they couldn't be like this forever. Someday, maybe soon, they'd have to face the truth.
So he forced himself to toughen up and open his eyes.
He learned to love Junho, despite the pain in his chest every time he saw the older.
He came to love all of Junho's silly habits, his different expressions and reactions. Another word for it, he loved this man enough to want to find out everything about him and get closer.
It was already too late, but he had realized that Junho might've always been the one.
Like they had just turned a blind eye to the older, almost isolating him to the part where he had to hide who he really was and pretend to be someone he wasn't.
He still regrets not being able to realize that sooner.
Time waited for no one, though, and even if it did, it was too late now.
The damage was already done.
But really, was it? Why couldn't there suddenly be a miracle, that Junho could actually fall in love again despite the surgery?
It sounded ridiculous even for himself, but he was desperate.
He wasn't as strong as his hyung, he can't keep all of this inside forever. It made him feel like a prick, because he had forced Junho to do the same and done nothing but watch as the older slowly crumbled into fragments.
Still, could he allow himself to hope? He didn't want all of this to go for an end.
He wanted to confess, knowing Junho might possibly reject him.
Maybe it was better that way, so he could move on.
But not really. Dongpyo knew he'd never move on from this.
Somewhere along the way, even he started to hate flowers.
It was never really their fault from the beginning.
"What are you thinking about? You seem lost, Dongpyo-ah." The raven blinked and realized he had been standing there like a statue while Junho was trying to knead the dough beside him.
He quickly shook his head, stuttering an apology as he started to whisk the eggs. "Nothing! I'm just a bit tired since I have been studying until late yesterday."
"Yah, you should be more careful about your health, okay? Studying is good and everything, but you need to sleep too." Junho nudged him at the side, his tone almost mother-like as Dongpyo giggled.
"I know, I know. As if you don't stay up all night watching movies anyways!" The older burst out laughing at that, not being able to talk back since it was indeed, true.
If he knew Junho well, the older must've finished at least one kdrama and two movies.
"Wanna know what I'm thinking of, then?" Dongpyo looked up in curiosity, amazed by the way his heart seemed to feel lighter while looking at Junho smiling.
Shit, indeed.
The older continued before he could say anything, slowly chewing on a piece of chocolate while grinning.
"These cookies will probably look really weird." Dongpyo looked down, immediately starting to laugh as he realized that their dough had melted into some kind of odd form.
Then, he felt something wet spread on his cheek and he gasped, gazing up at Junho who was now giggling, the wooden spoon in his hand full of unused dough.
"Did you smear me with chocolate?" Before the older could answer, Dongpyo's fingers found the flour and splattered a handful on Junho's black t-shirt.
The brunette gasped.
"How dare you!?" He laughed as he ducked another sleeve of dough coming his way, gripping the whipped cream so he could shoot it towards Junho's face.
A shriek was heard as the older roared in laughter, ducking the rain of flour and sugar before throwing batter right on Dongpyo's hoodie.
Despite the kitchen being messy and dirty, he would admit that this was the most fun he had in a while.
To think that it all was because of Junho.
Somehow, he still managed to be happy. Dongpyo didn't know if he should be grateful or not.
But for now, just in this moment, he could love the older without overthinking things.
Yeah, he loves Cha Junho.
He loved the sweet, caring and funny Junho, even though these last weeks had been hard on all of them, leaving the brunette unaware of their struggles.
Wasn't it ironic, how they all fell in love with him but at the wrong time?
Just for this moment, he wanted to forget this situation.
For a single moment, all he ever wanted was to enjoy Junho's company, to relish in the fact that the older was utterly lovable and beautiful.
For a moment, he forgot everything, just to focus on Junho and Junho alone.