To Cho Seungyoun.
The first time I met you, I only knew you as Hangyul hyung's boyfriend.
And you were kind to me.
I think I kind of expected it, to be honest. You are indeed someone he loves so dearly.
Not enough with the fact that you were smart, gorgeous and friendly, you also loved music will all your being. I've always admired that.
Remember how we used to joke about you spending as much time with music as with your boyfriend? Hangyul would always tease you about wanting to spend more time at the piano or playing guitar rather than be with him.
We all knew it wasn't true. Even if I was merely a bystander, I could see the strong love you had for each other...
It wouldn't surprise me if you stayed together in many years after this.
Hyung?
You showed me a song today.
It was written for Hangyul hyung, the love of your life.
You asked me what I thought.
I wanted to say it was lovely and just perfect. Like you, Seungyoun hyung.
I'm sorry I couldn't answer today.
It wasn't respectful of me to leave without answering but I suddenly started coughing too much. I think it's because I've had a sore throat lately. Maybe I'm getting sick, who knows? I should probably stay home for a while.
Do you know what flower would fit you?
A pink camellia.
It has a meaning, though.
"Longing for you."
In a world like this, I can't love you, I shouldn't love you and yet I do.
Isn't that funny?
I knew I never had a chance. Will probably never have either.
But it was nice knowing you at least considered me as an important person for you.
I still don't think I deserve to be an important person of yours.
I'm flattered, though.
You are so sweet, hyung.
Junho
~~
Yelling at the sky,
Screaming at the world
All of it came and went like a spring wind.
With the disease, Junho's memories were completely deleted and thrown away forever. They didn't even know if he'd ever get them back.
Seungyoun couldn't decide whether the surgery was a good thing or not. However, it wasn't his place to decide that for Junho.
What hurt him the most was that the younger pushed them away just so they wouldn't be sad when he went.
You're such an idiot, Junho-ah.
He wanted to laugh. Of course it would hurt, even if they were no longer friends. But Junho was right, in some kind of sense.
This hurt more than the way he acted before.
If he had known, maybe he could've...
If he had confronted the younger sooner, if he had just stopped for a second to look, to really look at Junho, maybe then he could've saved the younger.
You know that isn't possible.
It was all wishes and regret. He couldn't go back, couldn't take back his words, couldn't take back his actions.
If he had known, at least he would've made sure Junho had the greatest month in his life before going through the surgery.
But he hadn't known.
And now they were left with the splitting memories of blood and beautiful, gorgeous daisies. Junho's favorite.
Or it used to be.
Just like he had been one of those people Junho loved. Someone who broke the brunette's heart and left it in pieces to stomp all over it again, despite the younger loving him unconditionally and quietly.
And painfully.
Junho had always deserved so much more than he could've provide.
So in the end of the day, he was the one at fault.
Baby, why'd you go away?
He remembered the first time he met Junho.
The younger was so quiet and fidgety, making him believe that Junho was one of those shy introverts who preferred peace and quiet and valued their friends, even if they had a few ones.
Somehow, it made him want to become the younger's friend even more.
Junho was in no other words, pretty. Beautiful, even. He had known that the younger was handsome even when they met for the first time, but now that thought came back to kick him.
The brunette was exactly the opposite when you got to know him, because once he started talking, he never stopped.
It amused him, to sit and listen through every conversation they had together. He'd never get tired of it, to be honest.
But lately, everything just seemed a lot sadder and quieter. It wasn't until he visited Junho in the hospital that he actually realized how long time ago they actually talked with each other.
Junho after the operation was so energetic it hurt. Always laughing, always talkative and playful. Like he had changed into another person.
Was this the real Junho? The Junho who wouldn't need to suffer watching them be happy everyday while he bit down those flowers?
This must be him. The careless, happy Junho who you couldn't help but admire. If it was that way, who had they known all these years?
Were they the reason he had to change himself, just so he could be with them, even if it hurt?
Seungyoun was ashamed over the fact that he couldn't see the younger as their Junho anymore.
This Junho, he...he was a Junho without the memories of them.
Without those small, tiny but important pieces of them. Memories he once thought Junho valued.
Maybe the younger still does, but who knows?
It was too late to take it back.
He hated the fact that it feels like Junho left them, when he's right here, everyday laughing and hanging out with them. He still had the same habits, the same smile, the same laugh.
But there was always something missing.
Something he longed for, something he waited for, something he wanted so desperately.
Something he could no longer have.
I stay up all night, tell myself I'm alright
Baby, you're just harder to see than most
"Babe? Are you alright?" Hangyul's voice snapped him out of his self destructive thoughts, his boyfriend looking over to him in worry.
Seungyoun swallowed and nodded, avoiding the blonde's gaze.
"Are you sure?" Almost as if he had heard Seungyoun's thoughts, his boyfriend inched closer to him until he was pulled onto Hangyul's chest. The younger just chuckled as he let out a surprised squeak, however relaxing instantly in the familiar arms of his boyfriend.
That was the power Hangyul held over him, after all.
"Tell me, what's wrong? He immediately shook his head and sighed softly. Why was this so hard?
He was ashamed. Yeah, that was it.
But he was also afraid. Hell, he was scared shitless and trying to shove it down wouldn't do him any good. It's not like he could ignore the fluttery butterflies he felt every time Junho giggled or the way he smiled when seeing the brunette getting ice cream all over his face.
With that, the pain soon followed and reminded him of why he was there.
How they even got there.
He hadn't noticed he was spacing out again until Hangyul dropped his head onto his shoulder, letting out a small hum as he relaxed.
"Don't worry, hyung. Take your time, I'll wait. I'll always wait for you." The words overwhelmed him and he found himself flushing, squeezing Hangyul's hand tighter.
"I know, Gyul. You know I'd do the same for you." They looked at each other with loving smiles and he dared to lean in for a kill, laughing as the younger pouted once they pulled apart.
Hangyul just say back, watching his beautiful boyfriend fall into deep thoughts, his face scrunching up so much it must've been unhealthy.
Gently brushing away some strands of black hair, he waited patiently until Seungyoun spoke up again.
"Hangyul-ah. Do you love me?"
He smiled. "Of course I do. You were my everything back then and still are now."
Seungyoun snorted, mumbling something with him being cheesy again.
"Is this about Junho-ah?" The mention of Junho's name got the other stiffening and he knew he had been right.
It's not like it was something bad, but just...
Just hearing Junho's name nowadays were enough to make them fall into a silence, having no choice to be pulled back to all those memories and all that pain.
Junho was happy. Shouldn't they be too?
Why aren't they happy?
He knew his smile must've disappeared, because the next thing Seungyoun did was to snuggle closer, staring deep into his eyes.
I'm here. I'm always here, no matter what.
Yeah. He had Seungyoun.
The best person in his life.
Junho won't have anyone like that.
He ignored that voice and closed his eyes, urging Seungyoun to continue talking.
"Don't you feel like someone is clawing your heart every time you meet him?" Seungyoun's voice was quiet but held determination, like he really wanted to tell him.
As if he needed to tell him.
Hangyul didn't miss the way the older clutched his t-shirt, either. He just lay there, quietly carding his fingers through soft, black hair.
"I think I'm in love with him." It was barely a whisper now. Hangyul heard it loud and clearly, though.
"But I think we all are. It's kind of stupid, isn't it? It's too late already and still, we just suddenly get all these feelings. All these emotions. I don't want it to be guilt. If we love him, then at least let it be raw and real and painful." Caressing his boyfriend's face, he leaned down to kiss each tear from Seungyoun's face.
Then, he leaned back and gave him a sad smile. "We can't help it, I guess. Junho is after all, the moon itself."
The moon. The lonely and beautiful moon, who watched over them like a guardian once darkness fell over the world.
But when it watched over them, it stood alone by the sky. With many, many stars around but on the same time, so far away.
Not many people valued it the way it deserved to be.
"He's beautiful." Hangyul kissed his forehead.
"I know," was mumbled into his hair.
Seungyoun clutched his shirt tighter, almost afraid of letting go. "You know I love you, right?"
His boyfriend nodded, even so daring to smile slightly. "And I love you. We are going to get through this together, all right? I won't leave you for anyone."
They turned to look at each other, Seungyoun's glassy eyes meeting with Hangyul's warm ones and suddenly, there was thousands and thousands of words spoken between them without any of them needing to use any words.
If he had Hangyul by his side, then maybe he could find the courage to face the future. With the blonde by his side, they could do anything.
All it took was a simple question and trust.
In the end, it would always be Hangyul.
He knew it, his boyfriend knew it, their friends knew it, everybody knew it. Even Junho knew it without having to remember why he went to the hospital.
"I'm scared." He couldn't reach out to Junho anymore. Couldn't touch him, couldn't see him, couldn't hear him.
It hurts like hell.
And yet, the younger was right there. Just in front of his eyes.
Waiting, with a knowing look in his eyes.
As if they both knew Seungyoun couldn't save him. Wouldn't, save him.
That's a lie. He'd do anything for Junho to get better.
It's still you who put him there, isn't it? How unfair of you to want to force him. He looks so much happier without those memories.
In his dreams, he could still see Junho. Coughing, crying, drowning.
"I'm alright, hyung. Please don't worry about me."
If he had looked back, maybe he could've seen the scars on Junho's wrists. The small, faded scars that were almost completely healed, carefully hidden away from the world.
He might've seen the way Junho's lips were red and messy, the brunette clutching a lonely daisy in his hand. His facade slowly crumbling, eyes who once held so much light slowly dropping, dark circles roaming his face like a bruise from a punch.
His white t-shirt, who was later thrown away because of the red stains, Junho's hands shaking while he did so.
If he had only looked back and stayed. He should've really asked, really stopped to see.
Seungyoun did neither of this. He just turned his back and walked away.
I put the record on, wait 'til I hear our song
Every night, I'm dancing with your ghost...
Junho giggled at his expression, the two of them grimacing as Seungyoun looked over to their friends in disbelief.
"You want us to do what?" His boyfriend, that devil, just laughed.
"It's not that hard, babe! You just choose a song and dance, that's all." Yeah, besides the fact that they were at the school festival, which meant that every student would be seeing them dance with costumes that looked suspiciously like dinosaur and alien pyjamas.
How the hell did he get here?? He was fooled by Hangyul!
Seungyoun huffed and shook his head. "No way. Don't think I missed the fact that you'd be forcing us to wear those costumes too!"
"Aw, c'mon hyung. It's not that bad, I promise." Despite his words, Yohan was barely losing back his laughter as Seungwoo grinned at the two of them.
Aish, to think of the fact that he befriended a group of demons. He wouldn't do this, no matter how much Hangyul tried to convince him!
"Ah, but why just me and Seungyoun hyung? I can't even dance as well as you guys." Junho yelped as Eunsang tackled him into a half hug, the red haired boy grinning mischievously at his best friend.
"Because you, my friend, needs to live a little and show everyone how awesome you are!" The brunette let out a grimace at that, looking like he definitely didn't want to do it now.
In the end, ( with all of their friends nagging and whining at them ) Seungyoun found himself grumpily putting on a dinosaur onesie while mumbling about how stupid all of this was.
"Hyung?" The raven hummed, glancing up to see an adorable Junho in his very own alien onesie. Seungyoun didn't know whether to laugh or coo at the pout Junho wore, clearly disliking this idea already.
"What's up, Junho-ah? Did you find the song already?" The brunette nodded, cheeks flushing red.
"It's actually my favorite song. I can change to another song if you w-"
"No, this is great. I like it." Seungyoun smiled while gazing over the screen.
"R-really?" The older nodded, glancing up to see Junho's face so red he looked like he could faint.
And then he laughed.
"You are so cute, Junho-yah! You should show other people that side of you too." Junho just shrugged, rubbing his arm slightly.
"So are we done? I don't feel ready at all." The younger's anxiety was showing through and Seungyoun found himself taking Junho's hand, squeezing tightly.
"Don't worry. I'll be there the whole time, just focus on me and let me lead you. Can you do that for me?" Junho's mouth quirked up the slightest and before he needed to say anything else, the brunette nodded slowly.
"Well then," Seungyoun grinned widely, standing up to mentally prepare himself for the show they were about to do.
He turned to face Junho and reached out his hand.
"Would you allow me to take this dance?"
Seungyoun glanced over Junho's shoulder before the younger suddenly looked up and stumbled back in shock as he saw the raven.
"Hyung! A warning maybe?" He laughed, winking playfully at Junho who just rolled his eyes.
"What were you listening to?" The brunette glanced at his phone screen, taking off one of his earphones to give it to him.
"Listen for yourself. It's my favorite." He complied and as fast as the song started playing, Seungyoun felt how he froze up.
This...
This was the same song.
Junho couldn't remember, right?
He glanced at Junho but the brunette seemed oblivious to it, only humming to the song and lost himself in his own world.
Right. He can't be that stupid to actually think Junho would remember.
You're a sunflower, I think your love would be too much...
If he could go back, just for one moment, he'd dance with Junho again.
Wrap his arms around the younger's waist and swing them round and round until Junho was giggling so hard his stomach hurt.
Just them and the music. That's all he ever wanted.
All that was gone.
Never got the chance,
To say your last goodbye
Now when he thought about it, Junho had been trying to say something that day.
On his birthday, the night he told them he was leaving Seoul.
It itched him to the end how he couldn't figure that out. What had the brunette wanted to tell them back then?
Why did he look so...monotonous?
For what he saw, the younger ended up not telling them for some reason. Maybe Junho couldn't bring himself to say it, or he was afraid of the way they would react.
Seungyoun wished he had told them.
Just a simple confession, but really not. It was so much more than that.
So much more than just a few words.
He still wished he would've stopped Junho. To really look into the younger's eyes until that facade slowly broke away.
But Junho had years to build up those walls around himself. And even if he tried his hardest, Seungyoun doubted he'd be able to hear all of the truth.
It saddened him.
It hurt even more that he didn't know until after when the damage already was done.
That night...
All he could remember was how Junho looked at them with emotionless eyes. The brunette opening his mouth but closing it abruptly after uttering the last lie he'd ever tell them.
Junho looking down at the floor, not wanting to see the anger and hurt in their eyes. Not wanting to acknowledge his betrayal.
His hands had been shaking.
They were kept behind his back but Seungyoun was sure now. Junho's hands had been shaking, his nails digging so deeply into the skin that it left small, crimson drops all over his nails.
He had been ignorant to all that.
And even now, Seungyoun wondered what Junho had wanted to say.
Was it sorry?
Or just a desperate "help me"?
Or a goodbye?
No one would ever know.
I gotta move on,
Somewhere in the middle, he might've been sloppy about hiding his feelings.
Seungyoun knew he was on thin ice, but sometimes he just couldn't help it. Not when Junho was right here every day.
It was enough with seeing Junho in a big sweater or buried under thousands of books in the library. The younger's voice alone made his heart race and as he realized it, everything was quickly replaced by shame and guilt.
God, how could he do that to Junho?
How could he be so cruel?
Seungyoun almost wished he would've forgotten everything instead. Not Junho. Never Junho.
Never their sweet, adoringly dork.
He kept on wishing and wishing but deep inside, he knew these feelings wouldn't just disappear.
Seungyoun should've known.
To be honest, he doesn't even know which Junho he fell in love with. The Junho now or the Junho in their memories?
He really has no clue. It was crazy, wasn't it?
The raven was in no position to even consider this. He shouldn't...he shouldn't be in love with Junho.
And yet he was.
After not being able to save the brunette in the first place. He had just left Junho like that, on his own.
Dwelled himself into his own problems without realizing why Junho acted so strangely.
It was a price he came to pay.
Hanahaki truly is a curse. He wanted to laugh and cry and just lay down, staring at the empty ceiling.
And then, nothing.
Eventually, Junho was bound to find out.
Well, not really find out, but he started noticing that they were acting weird. And it was frankly not just him, it was all of them.
They couldn't avoid it forever.
"Hey hyung?" Seungyoun turned his attention from his phone and smiled at Junho.
Well, tried to.
"Yeah?" They were at their university yard and it was just the two of them today. Junho insisted on studying outdoors together, since it was getting warmer. Seungyoun was tired, yes and the last thing he needed was more negative thoughts, but one look at Junho's expectant face was enough to get him to budge.
Who was he to deny his cute dongsaeng?
He was just a weak, weak man.
"Are you guys alright? I mean ever since I got released from the hospital, you've been acting weird. It's like...it's like you're sad over something." Junho's eyes turned darker, the way they always do when he started to doubt himself and feel guilty over being a burden. Which, they constantly reminded him that he was not.
Seungyoun was kind of grateful he had gotten to know Junho better ever since he left the hospital. That was he could know what went on with the younger and seeing how Junho stared down on his book, Seungyoun immediately took his hand.
He ignored the electric feeling shooting up his arm as his fingers touched Junho's.
"Please don't be sad. If it's something I did before loosing my memories, I'm sorry. I'm really sorry, so just...don't look so miserable. I want you to be happy." Those words broke his heart.
Why did Junho apologize? It's wasn't even his fault to begin with.
He took a shuddering breath, daring to lean his head on Junho's shoulder.
Not a smart move, because now he could smell the faint scent of lemon and honey.
Goddammit.
He felt really miserable now.
"It's not your fault. It has never been your fault. I'm the one who should apologize." Seungyoun sighed, fighting off the urge to wrap his arms around Junho's waist and pull him closer.
"I'm sorry." It was quietly muttered by him, but he was sure the brunette heard by the way Junho shifted.
Then, Junho let out a soft noise, hand coming up to pat him on the head.
The stinging pain in his heart only reminded him of how many times he had done that himself. Ironic, wasn't it?
"I'll always forgive you, no matter what. Please don't be sad, hyung." Seungyoun didn't answer. He couldn't face Junho, couldn't see that sad expression, couldn't look into those swirling, dazzling eyes.
He didn't deserve Junho's worry.
Nor did he deserve his forgiveness.
And that was the problem.
He loves his boyfriend. He really do.
Hangyul was his soulmate, his everything, his world.
But all these new feelings, they were hard to ignore. His mind was constantly spiraling around Junho nowadays and being those close just made everything harder.
Seungyoun pulled away before he did anything he could regret.
"A-Ah look at the time. I need to go, Junho-ah." He quickly collected all his paper, scrambling up on his feet while avoiding Junho's gaze.
What scared him most was Junho's silence.
And then,
"Yeah, of course. See you tomorrow, hyung!" He finally looked up. Saw Junho's smiling face.
Ah.
Beautiful.
He gave the younger a weak smile before turning around and forcing himself to leave.
To walk away from the boy he wanted to kiss so badly.
Seungyoun knew, he had always known. He was just as cursed as the others.
It hurt more than he would've liked.
Junho stared at Seungyoun's retreating back, feeling a weird tinge. Somehow, he felt like they had been here before.
The brunette only sighed softly, leaning down on the table.
"Goodbye, Seungyoun hyung."
But it hurts to try.
He knows he should've moved on. Should've let it go.
But things were never that easy.
He couldn't see anything wrong with falling in love with the beautiful, gorgeous Cha Junho.
That though, was his problem.
Seungyoun lost count of how many times he watched Junho, wanting the younger to become his.
It hurt like hell.
He's trying. He's really trying to move on and just be happy with what he has now.
His heart was not cooperating with him.
Seungyoun was not stupid. He knew Junho couldn't fall in love again.
All because of that stupid disease.
If he was able to go back, he'd change it all.
He'd kiss Junho that day they danced together. He'd even hug the younger tightly everyday, to force Junho to remember how much he loved him. Even if there would be a lot drama because of it, he knows things would've ended up just fine.
Now all he could do was to regret.
And that's that.
His heart hurts.
Seungyoun wants to kiss Junho.
But he couldn't.
------------------------
Song lyrics: Dancing With Your Ghost by Sasha Sloan
Written by SquishyYongie