To Lee Hangyul
I'm lonely.
Like really, really lonely.
It feels like I'm underwater and you guys are there, just over my head.
So, so far away...
You are free because you aren't drowning.
You are free because there's no water over your head, because there isn't anything pulling you down to this endless, dark sea of hate and sorrow.
And yet, despite all my desperate attempts to cry out for you, you can't hear me...
You can't see me.
You're just standing there, taking a step further and further away. I can't catch up even now...
It's hard to breathe, hyung.
I-
I didn't mean to fall in love with you!
I just...you are absolutely splendid.
I can't deny that I love you so much my heart hurts, despite knowing that you have a boyfriend.
Hyung, I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry for falling in love with you and Seungyoun hyung.
I'm sorry for being selfish enough to say that I don't regret loving you, but on the same time I do.
I really do...
Hangyul hyung,
I think I've taken too much water over my heard...
I can't breathe.
I can't breathe.
I can't...
I...
I'm so sorry for writing this, I'm sorry for apologizing so much. I promise that you'll never get this letter, hyung.
You deserve more than that.
Goodbye,
Junho.
~~
He should've known.
Hangyul might not be a genius or a smart person in general, but goddammit, he should've fucking known.
The worst thing is that he had left Junho hanging despite seeing how unwell the younger was.
Of course he had been worried, but he should've done more. Instead, he had just watched and let time tear Junho's heart into a million pieces.
As if it wasn't broken already.
He couldn't understand how Junho could live like that. One could not hear such heavy pain in so long time, right?
He should've known.
Should've figured Junho's feelings for them, even when the younger wasn't even trying to hide it anymore.
He had just turned a blind eye. And that crushing hate he felt for himself was like a hole being punched into his chest and he couldn't breathe anymore.
Just like Junho couldn't breathe. Or, to be correct, before the operation.
That cursed operation.
Still, it saves the brunette's life. Even if it had consequences, Junho would live.
He knew he should be happy but something stopped him and he felt awful for feeling that way.
Hell, he had been so stupid.
Then and now.
Even Hyunwoo had noticed something was off, despite not being close to Junho. That fact alone made him want to bang his head against the door.
"Cha Junho-ssi is your friend, isn't he?"
Hangyul nodded, head tilting up to peek at his friends with curious eyes.
"Why? Is something wrong?"
He turned to look at Junho, feeling worried once he had seen Hyunwoo's face.
The younger only continued to study the brunette, who was sitting in a corner of the library and reading a few meters away from them. Wrapping an arm around Junseo's waist, he looked back at Hangyul with a frown.
"I don't think he's feeling well. You should keep an eye on him, hyung."
That made him frown, too. Junho's cold wasn't that bad, right?
The memory made him grit his teeth.
He should've done something back then, too.
But he didn't.
Yes, he didn't do anything useful. Anything helpful.
Still, even after being released from the hospital, Junho looked happier than ever.
It has been a few weeks and Junho is getting better but somehow it feels like getting to know a whole new person.
There was no doubt it still was Junho but something was different.
Something was missing, to be exact.
Junho on the other hand, seemed to be perfectly fine without it. He was even more comfortable around them than he had ever been during the entire time they had been friends.
It hurt but he was no fool. He knew it was because of the unrequited love, the pain, that Junho couldn't be himself in front of them.
It was messed up, he knew. And to believe that he once also thought they knew everything about the younger.
Oh, how wrong he had been.
Guilt and pity and self hate and then guilt again.
He hated them. Hated them because they constantly attacked him. He was just unable to feel anything else.
So he put on a mask and smiled, locking all of those hideous feelings away. But not for Seungyoun, of course.
His love didn't need to try. They know each other well enough to know when one lie for the other.
He couldn't lie to Seungyoun, either.
All they could do was to hang onto each other and pray they'd be okay. It still hurt to see Junho everyday but maybe, just if he dared to give it a chance, he'd be able to forgive himself.
"What are you apologizing for? I don't really remember who you are but if you did do anything then I'm sure it wasn't so bad, right? You all look like really kind people. I'm sorry I can't recall you..."
Those were the words Junho had uttered after they barged into his room at the hospital, only to realize the ones he has forgot, the ones he had loved, was them.
He can't forgive himself. Not when things were like this.
Hangyul didn't know what to do.
None of them seemed to have an answer to that, to be honest.
And it was painful, watching Junho laugh, watching him make friends and smile and live. Watching their ChaCha be happy as if the only thing he needed was to cut off that poisonous part of his life.
A part that was them and his love for them. A part that contained all their happy memories but he wasn't so sure it was happy anymore.
Had Junho been in misery back then, too?
He forced himself to smile everyday, for the younger, for their future so they could finally move on from each other. It still wasn't enough, though.
He just prayed his feelings would eventually fade away. It's core, the beautiful, stunning boy they evolved around, was after all unreachable now.
The strangest thing was that he couldn't let himself move on, even if he tried so hard.
He realized he was desperate clinging into the feelings he had for Junho.
Had it been out of pity?
Out of sadness, of guilt, of sorrow?
Or was it the way Junho's eyes lit up and crinkled once he smiled, the way the brunette would hiccup three times during his laughter?
He didn't know.
He was just exhausted.
"Babe?" Seungyoun's hushed voice pulled him out of his thoughts and he turned to his boyfriend with a smile.
"Yes, my love?" Was it even impossible how he loved two males on the same time?
He wasn't afraid of admitting it. Yes, these strange feelings, these ups and downs and all the times he had to hold back from hugging Junho tightly, like he was the most precious thing in his life.
And he was ashamed.
Seungyoun knew that too, it's given.
But yet, despite his spiteful and foolish feelings, he still loved Seungyoun the most.
He knew it and Junho had known it, even before falling into that endless hole of darkness.
They didn't need to talk about it. They just knew.
Junho didn't know anymore.
It was all gone, vanished from his vulnerable mind.
In some way, Hangyul was relieved.
The brunette was free, after all. With consequences, yes, but free.
That thought hurt more than he wanted to admit. He was that selfish, huh?
"Are you alright?" Despite speaking quietly, Seungyoun didn't hesitate to turn his attention from the movie to his boyfriend.
"You can tell me if something is wrong, Gyul-ah. I'm all ears." He nodded and then shook his head.
Not here.
As if it was an instinct, both of their gazes turned to find Junho perched up between Dohyon and Dongpyo.
They were watching a movie together, Junho's favorite to be exact, but he hadn't remembered that. It was almost ridiculous how much the younger forgot, just because they were connected to them.
Junho even forgot going to middle and high school. It took them weeks to accept that, even longer for Yohan and Eunsang to swallow down their tears and trying to look at their friend without having to excuse themselves.
Friend. It tasted bad in his mouth, like it isn't meant to be there.
Now when they all sat together, Junho with their maknaes on the floor and a blanket draped over all of them, it felt like the old times again.
Only this time, the brunette didn't notice how tense and careful Dongpyo was being or how Dohyon slouched forwards, his hands seated in his lap so no one could see them shaking.
It wasn't when Junho laughed at a scene , head coming to plop down on Dongpyo's shoulder, that the younger could finally relax. And as if he had secretly noticed, Junho took Dohyon's hand barely a minute after, making the blonde let out a small noise and a satisfied little sigh.
Junho was by no means stupid or foolish. They just had to hide better from him.
He couldn't afford the younger falling into that trance again. Not now, not ever.
Ever it would be, though.
In the beginning, when he had discovered his pathetic feelings, all he could think of was, "it can't be possible!" or "I'm so stupid. I'm such a fucking asshole."
It held for a while, with him trying to deny it all. It wasn't until he had come home to find his boyfriend sobbing in the bathroom, that Hangyul realized that, yes, he loved Cha Junho. Even if it was painful, even if he was too late, even if he was an idiot because of it.
And it was quite painful, that was what it was.
All of that, thanks to Seungyoun. He's convinced he'd never leave the older.
Regardless, he was still a moron for doing this now. Or his heart, at least.
Hangyul was sick of the pity and guilt. It made him look even more like an idiot than before.
Junho was smiling softly at the next scene, just like he had done the first time he watched it.
He felt his heart tighten painfully.
"Hey, hyung?"
Hangyul looked at Junho and smiled slightly.
"Yes?"
"You're a good friend, hyung."
He had almost laughed at that. The bitter kind, not the happy kind of laughter.
How ironic it was.
Like turned tables, right? Junho maybe felt this way back then.
All the hugs, smiles, words. It just hurts.
It hurts.
Hangyul doubt he'd get Hanahaki. He was not as unfortunate as his......his Junho, at least. He had Seungyoun.
The brunette didn't have anyone.
It was painful, though.
I'm sorry I was too late.
It's hard to breathe, Junho-ah.