To Han Seungwoo
You gave me a daisy the first day we met.
Do you remember that?
We accidentally bumped into each other on the way to class and you decided to give me it as an apology. My heart went all fluttery in a way that terrified me, so I ran away instead of thanking you.
That was before you met Yohan hyung.
You know, daisies used to be my favorite flowers. Still are, but I don't know for how much longer.
I didn't realize how meaningful memories were until now. All I've ever wanted was to forget.
Forget and move on.
It's not like it was that easy, though.
Every time I look at you guys, it feels like my heart is being teared open and thrown away. I'm not a robot like everyone else say. My heart is very fragile and I hate it. It's like everyone is keeping a distance from me, thinking I'm fine when all I want to do is cry and scream and fall apart to feel nothing.
Absolutely nothing.
If it's something I know, it's pain. I'm constantly reminded about what pain is when I visit my sister.
But I'm not here to make you pity me. It's not like you'll read this anyways.
Seungwoo hyung, it hurts to love you.
So please, take care of Yohan hyung for me. Take care of yourself, too.
I want you to be happier than I ever was.
It's soon time for college.
Take care of me once I enroll yours, alright?
Junho.
~~
Subin's sudden whine startled him, ringing in his ears even though the younger was draped all over Hanse's lap a few meters away from Seungwoo.
"Hyung? Are you even listening?" The raven pouted, scrunching his eyebrows together in a frown.
Seungwoo felt bad for dozing off like that, letting out a nervous chuckle before he quickly apologized. "Sorry, do you mind repeating that?"
Beside him, Junseo and Donghan glanced at each other. It was not the first time they had tried to get his attention. Certainly not the first time he dozed off either and it concerned them, sensing that something was obviously wrong.
Yohan was still not here.
Subin didn't answer his question, pulling away from his boyfriend to look at his hyung with a sad face. "Seungwoo hyung, please tell me the truth. You are not okay, are you?"
Pausing, Seungwoo gulped slowly but it was enough for Seokhwa to notice. "What's on your mind?"
The raven sighed and leaned back, staring up at the ceiling. "I don't know. If I'm alright, I mean. I'm worried about Yohan."
And Junho. Even though he was in no position to do so. He had already hurt the younger beyond healing.
Ah, he must sound so pathetic right now. How would Junho react to all this pity of his?
Love is a strong thing. A tool, a weapon.
He just wished Junho wouldn't have gotten on the wrong side of it.
Why couldn't it be him? Why did it have to be the boy who loves to watch movies and mimic goblin language and laugh as he fooled around with his fries in the middle of the night and even cried when a stray cat he had been feeding died?
These last weeks felt unreal. Junho was spending time with them more and more but it always felt like they were slowly sliding apart.l instead. And when he watched the brunette with his new friends, it felt like his heart was slowly cut in half.
Junho was right there in front of him and he still missed the younger like he has left for a journey and never came back.
It felt downright miserable. Every smile and laugh coming from Junho made his heart warm, only for him to realize that he couldn't feel this way. Not when he had been the cause of Junho's pain.
And when Junho started talking more with other students, he would feel his blood boil if they so came too close and he always kept the brunette close to him when they were together. It was utter possession, like a poised knife he held against his throat.
Isn't it crazy?
How all his feelings began to descend from darkness when it was too late already?
Seungwoo hated himself because of that.
It was not even enough with him blaming himself for everything. He had been so terrified the night Yohan called him, his boyfriend sounded on the verge of a panic attack.
Ever since then, their relationship hadn't been the same. For the longest time now, he felt like it was slowly coming to an end. Breaking up with Yohan....he couldn't imagine that.
The raven knew for sure that he wouldn't survive it. He needed Yohan in his life, now more than ever.
He needed the comfort only his boyfriend could give, needed to hear Yohan laugh and cry, needed him so much it hurt.
Yohan noticed it too.
The sudden tension between them, the dullness and self blame falling heavy on their shoulders. Just a mere look at Junho would make him feel like he had to carry the weight of the world.
It hurts. It hurts, hurts, hurts.
Yet he only stood by, watching as the brunette broke his own heart piece by piece.
Eventually, he could no longer ignore how he felt, how Yohan felt, how all of them felt.
So they sat down and talked to each other, Seungwoo holding his boyfriend's hand tightly, as if he was afraid the younger would disappear.
It was the longest hours of his life but now Yohan knew how much he loved him and he was reminded himself how much the other loved him. Seungwoo was relieved. He'd hold onto their relationship no matter what.
Yohan was his rock. His happiness in one person.
Without Yohan, he wouldn't be him anymore. Together they would drive away all these dark feelings, all that guilt and sadness. Maybe...just maybe...things would be alright.
He dared to believe, even if it was a small shimmer of hope.
"Yah, Seungwoo hyung!" The raven looked up hastily and forced a smile.
"Hm? What is it?" Shit, he must've dozed off again. Daehyeon's blank stare proved him right as the younger frowned.
"Is everything really okay? I mean with Junho-ah and....are you alright?" Junseo looked at him, seemingly finding it hard to say the right words. Or at least, they all tried to ignore the fact that Junho suddenly collapsed one day and had to go to the hospital.
And why the other ten changed so much since he was discharged. Frankly, not even Seungsik knew what was happening. Neither Yohan nor Seungwoo had talked about it at all and it wouldn't help to ask Junho.
The brunette seemingly had amnesia.
It was killing them to watch how their friends faded away.
Seungwoo just smiled again, staring down on his uneaten cake. "I'm fine, don't worry."
A sigh as he leaned back. "It's okay, because he's the one that suffered more than I did."
He felt terrible saying that.
Subin only looked at him sadly, Hanse sitting up with a worried expression. "What do you mean?"
Seungwoo shook his head, not wanting to explain. To be honest, he didn't know how to. He didn't even know if he could talk about it yet. Ah, he should've never opened his mouth.
Chan opened his mouth to say something else but quieted down quickly as Yongha sent him a grimace.
Don't get him wrong, he was really grateful for them accepting and understanding the fact that he didn't feel too comfortable talking about it. However, the guilt only got worse when he saw the worry in their faces, something he was not to deserve.
Luckily for him, his boyfriend arrived just in time to distract all their friend. At least for a moment, but that was more than enough for him as he shuffled to the side to make room for his beloved.
"Hi, guys! I'm so sorry I'm late, I had to stay back writing a small test before my professor released me." Yohan got a few mumbles in reply, growing at the odd mood.
"Did something happen? I didn't miss anything did I?" Seungwoo only shook his head, telling his baby that they had just started chatting.
With his smile slowly spreading across his face and Yohan's following directly after, the air got brighter ( which he was so damn thankful for ) and Seungwoo found himself genuinely laughing at something Daehyeon said a few minutes later.
Good, he needed to stop thinking about Junho.
It was like the younger lived rent-free on his mind nowadays and it ticked him off way more often than he would like.
Not only was his thoughts on the operation, but also on the moments they've gone through together and the times when he tried to make new ones with Junho.
Being with the brunette wasn't the same. He was sad almost all the time, finding it hard to even look at Junho's smile but yet, something bubbles inside of his chest every time the younger did so.
He found himself longing to hug Junho, to feel the younger's warm and soft body cuddling against his. It freaked him out, because no way in hell these things could possibly be happening to him right now.
Seungwoo wanted to scream at those worthless feelings that it was too late.
Too late to bloom, too late to heal. Those ridiculous, probably imaginary feelings. He hated it.
But on the same time he didn't. Seungwoo was aware of that and it frustrated him to the point where he just wanted to curl up in bed beside Yohan and sleep.
Life however, never seemed to make things easier for him.
He needed to handle his feelings before it was too late. It's even ridiculous how he miraculously started feeling all these things after practically ruining Junho's life.
Sweet, kind, funny Junho.
Seungwoo wished things wouldve ended up better. He didn't want the younger to forget about him, about all the memories they created together. Those feelings were small, yes, but he was terrified of that warmth that gave him butterflies in his stomach every time Junho laughed or touched him.
He truly was pathetic. Seungwoo wanted to laugh at himself.
"Oh, it seems like all of you are here. Hello, I'm happy to stumble upon you guys like this!" The familiar voice made him look up, almost forgetting how to breath for a moment.
As if the sun was well aware of an angel walking on the earth, it shone over Junho like it an armor to protect the still fragile boy. The blinding smile they were all offered felt like it was directed towards him and Seungwoo's heart took a leap.
Shit. This is bad.
Seungwoo had to mentally scold himself as he quickly pushed down the butterflies before they even got a chance to irritate him.
Junho looked absolutely splendid, a big, navy sweater covering his smaller frame as he held a bunch of heavy books for his studies. The brunette's rosy fingers peeked out of the long sleeves as he held a firm grip around a thick book, his other hand trying to hold up the bag that was trying to slip from his shoulder.
The raven was stunned. He knew he was staring, too busy being conflicted with himself to notice how his boyfriend had the same longing look, both Subin and Junseo narrowing their eyes at the reaction from both of them.
It was Sejun who spoke up first. "Junho-ssi! What a fancy coincidence to meet you here."
Seungwoo could swear his heart almost melted at the soft smile coming from the other and he grit his teeth, forcing himself to look away.
He can't. He couldn't, not like this, not now.
He already had his chance and that screwed up big time. The older couldn't risk that again even so if he had to get the damned disease himself.
"I'm on my way to the cat cafe across the street. I was supposed to meet a friend here, but I guess he hasn't arrived yet." He didn't need to look to know that Junho was pouting and glanced at Yohan instead.
He was shocked as he saw the fond smile his boyfriend wore. However, his eyes were sad and it didn't fit in with it at all.
Feeling his heart tightening, he intertwined their fingers, making the younger look at him. Yohan just smiled again, mouthing that he was fine.
The raven know they weren't.
He tried desperately to ignore the fact that Junho was supposed to hang out with a "friend" on a cat cafe.
"Why don't you sit down with us while you wait? I'm sure your friend will spot you the moment they get in here." There was a small pause before Junho hummed, nodding slightly at the offer.
"I would like that. Thank you, Seokhwa sunbae." The brunette snorted, telling Junho to call him hyung as they moved another chair closer to the table.
And Donghan, that sly bastard, only smirked as he saw Seungwoo tense up.
They had situated Junho just beside him.
The younger was so close he could smell Junho's shampoo, the scent somehow making him relax further. It was calming and soothing and it reminded him of home.
Mentally sighing, he tried to get rid of all those stupid thoughts.
Their conversations went on, Subin watching him closely as Hanse playfully nudged him on the side. But his focus was only on Yohan, who squeezed his hand as he talked to Junho.
The younger, thankfully, seemed oblivious to their odd behavior and only laughed at something Yongha said. Even if he didn't want to admit it, Seungwoo knew he was grinning as fast as the sound reached his ears.
Junho even turned to him for a while, catching the elder's attention with a giggle and the most adorable "hyung" he had ever heard. It made his heart clench painfully.
His dongsaeng looks happier than ever.
He couldn't remember the last time he heard Junho laugh like that. The brunette shone brighter than before and Seungwoo couldn't help but think that he was beautiful. So beautiful it was terrifying.
Was he better off without those memories?
The moments they spent together, all cuddled up in front of some movie or when they went to the amusement park together, Junho sulking when he couldn't find the cotton candy or that time when the brunette spilled flour all over himself in their desperate attempt to make brownies at 4 am, the constant and random calls where he would listen to the younger ramble because once you get to know him, Junho was actually quite talkative and loveable.
All those memories, just gone. But maybe it was better that way.
Junho wouldn't be hurting anymore.
Sometimes he wished things would've gone differently. He hates himself for having all these feelings.
All these worthless, painful feelings.
"ChaCha!" He blinked, being forced back to reality as an unknown voice spoke up.
A big smile spread across Junho's face and he froze at the spot. Someone he didn't recognize was waving enthusiastically in their direction and he felt his smile fading as Seungwoo realized it was Junho's "friend".
He didn't want the younger to go just yet.
Yes, he might be selfish, but Seungwoo was actually trying to resist the urge to grab Junho's hand. He wanted to stop the younger from leaving, from walking away with that handsome friend of his.
From slowly breaking his heart.
He couldn't. The raven could only watch as Junho bid them goodbye, going up to his friend who immediately hugged him.
It threw both of them of guard, though the brunette's response was to giggle and return the warm gesture. Seungwoo looked away.
It was probably better this way. Junho deserved this, deserves so much more than he could ever do.
He deserved to be happy.
Seungwoo shut his eyes and rested his head on Yohan's shoulder, the only person who would understand him and the only person he could trust. His anchor, the love of his life, his boyfriend.
Even while carelessly falling into slumber next to the person he loved the most, he couldn't get that image out of his head. Junho laughing with someone else, creating good memories with someone else, hugging someone else, falling in love with someone else.
Did Junho feel like this when he watched them in the past?
It hurts.
It really hurts.