When the night had fallen and Aurora's family had left me and Benjamin alone, I took the time to tuck Benjamin in. He allowed, which surprised me. I didn't know if it was the fact that we were here in Italy, instead of home, but he seemed open. Wanting to talk. The anger having faded, even if it was oh, so lightly.
His hair were damp. He had taken another bath. Stared at the ceiling of the room oppositely of Aurora's and mine as he limply laid his arms beside his body, allowing me to do what I wanted to with the covers. I wrapped him up in warm, fuzzy blankets, tucked the covers between his mattress and the wooden frame of the bed. He looked lost in thoughts, but when we made eye contact, he gave me a smile. Somewhat forced.
"I missed nonno e nonna. Thanks, Papà. That we could visit here."
"Just to catch our breaths." I whispered, sitting down beside him with a sigh. "I missed them too."
"I like sleeping here. The toilet isn't so far away. And I don't hear cars. Do you think it will thunder later tonight?"
I smiled a little. Remembering how fascinating he thought the thunder was, rumbling back and forth between the mountains when the shower would hang around there. "Don't think so, Campione. Are you feeling happy?"
Benjamin licked his lips and gave a quick nod, but no further comment. "Did you tell school?"
"Yeah." I tried ignoring the reason they had called me first.
He let out a sleepy sigh, turned onto his side and closed his eyes. I brushed his back with my fingers, drew small figures until I noticed how his breathing became deeper. Slower. Sleepier. When he was in the process of falling asleep, his muscles jerked when I slowly stood up from the bed. Leaving his door ajar, I stepped into the small, but cosy living room.
With my knees pulled up as I sat down on the couch, I stared around, her absence paining me awfully much. I stared down at my socks, plucked away some fluffs. I thought of Salomé, wondered if she still tried to speak to me in some ways. Wondered if she knew my truth. Wondered if it was fair to be mad at her.
It was eerie how heavily emotions could take over your whole body, including the mind. To say I acted out of emotions would be an understatement, but what else could I do.
Gazing at the photos, I took a deep breath and stood up, knowing what I'd been wanting to do ever since Aurora and I had lastly been here, but couldn't when we were in England. With a coat draped over my shoulders as the warm, Italian sun had traded itself for the moon and a chilly breeze, I walked up the hill where the blossom tree stood.
Keeping the door ajar on purpose, I couldn't help but glance behind my shoulder a couple of times to see if Benjamin was okay in there. No other houses were around, really. The one nearest, was one somewhere in the mountains, which you could only see when it was a dark. A small, but bright light betraying where they lived.
With my hands in the pockets of my coat, I walked up, my breathing becoming heavier the higher I walked. For a moment, I couldn't bring myself to look, so I glanced down at the house, the lake, the mountains, the tree. But they always took me back to my daughter. My eyes fell onto the tiny grave beside the blossom tree.
Sitting down before it, I numbly stared at the tombstone Aurora and I had made ourselves. It was a bright, creme colored not too big rock we had found in the lake. Cleaned ourselves. Engraved her name onto it ourselves. A little teddybear. The one we had bought with our first round of baby shopping. Dried flowers. A Saint Mary candle.
Staring up at the dark night, where stars scattered all over the area, I wondered if they were together, making up for the years they had missed together. I thought of God, who had reunited mother and daughter. Somehow, my lips curled into a painful, but somewhat calm smile. As if I knew it was okay, in a way. No matter what I thought or felt, especially towards God.
Closing my eyes, I pictured Aurora. Unlike many memories of her where she had her dark hair up in a messy bun, they were now more recent. A long bop. Messy. A cheeky smile. Swirling around as I held her hand up above her head. I heard her catchy laugh. Her almond shaped blue eyes. Her sweetly shaped small nose. Her hideous clothes, which I loved so much.
She danced into the night, the smell of flowers lingering around her. And at some point, she reached for something that was below her height. A smaller hand. Tender. Dulcetly and carefully woven. Protectively held in my wife's hand. They danced together. A self knitted dress on the little girl beside Aurora. Torn apart. But brought together in different ways.
"Papà?"
Blinking my eyes, the images flooded away. With my gaze on my son, I watched how he sat down beside me, staring at his sister's grave. He shivered under the chilly breeze, so I opened my coat for him. He cuddled up against me, stared around him.
"Couldn't sleep?" I whispered.
"I have so many questions."
"What about, amore?"
He pointed at Eden's grave.
"It's not really fair, is it? I have always wanted siblings. Sometimes it's not fun playing alone at home. When I'm at Nolan's house, I always see his brothers and sisters and it's so nice. I never understood why I didn't have siblings but I do have a sibling, right?"
I hummed, rubbing his arm.
"But she's not alive. And my Mamma is not alive either. Why did they have to die? And why do I only have a Papà now?" He was calm, but deeply aggrieved. A boy with less words, but he spoke many at this point. I knew he was tired, he would start rambling. But I let him, knowing he was emptying his heart with his childly like questions.
"I can never get any more siblings." Benjamin cried a little, dried his tears on my sweater.
"Is this really about the siblings?" I whispered.
Benjamin stayed quiet for a long time, allowing the sobs to leave his mouth sometimes. "What was Eden like, Papà? I never got to know her, and I've never seen a photo of her. Why not? Mamma said I was too young. Why was I too young to see her?"
I sat up more straight, holding his chin between my fingers. "Eden was around thirty two weeks old. She passed away in Mamma's belly, do you remember that?"
"What happened in her belly?"
"Nothing.. there may be so many reasons for a baby to pass while in the stomach, and sometimes the reason stays unknown. And with Eden.. It was like that."
"It's just not fair." I could strongly sense his frustration. Maybe because some of that hadn't ever left me either.
"You know, Benji.." I hesitated, wondering how I could bring those words to him. "After Mamma and I got married, we tried. We tried a lot.."
"Tried what?"
I looked down at him. "Beget children."
He gave me a not understanding look.
"Making children."
He scrunched up his nose and squeezed his eyes closed. "Papà!"
I laughed a little. Saw how it took away a little of the tension that was present in his head. "Mamma didn't get pregnant so easily. We don't know why- the doctors never said anything was wrong. She just didn't. Then Eden came after a long time, but she passed away.." I frowned, wondered myself what I was trying to tell him. "You know, Mamma dreamed of having a lot of children. She loved children. Talked about it every day, even before we were married. She wanted you to have siblings. But.."
Benjamin seemed to understand. "Do you think Mamma had always been sick in her belly?"
"Maybe.." I hesitated, debating if I had to repeat Aurora's words. "Benji, alongside with Eden.. you are the most precious gift God has ever given your mother and I. Our hope had faded so much when Eden had passed away, but then you came. Our hearts were so full. Mine still is."
Benjamin looked down. Played with his earlobe. "But?"
He'd sensed my hesitation. "You know what Mamma told me once?" He looked up at me.
"Maybe God had given us you only, because He knew what our journey here on the Earth would bring us. It's not always easy being a parent.." I said quietly, knowing he probably wasn't the right person to say it to. He was just a child. But who else could I say it to. "Maybe He knew I wouldn't be able to handle eight children on my own after Mamma would have passed, and has He given me the chance to focus on you only. To bring you the best. To give you the best. To care for you best."
Benjamin avoided eye contact.
"And I know even then, it's not what I have done well. And I should have, I really should have.." Words couldn't always make everything right. I didn't know what to do.
"You and I have both lost the woman we loved so dearly." He repeated the words I had spoken to him weeks ago. Even if he was just a child, I felt understood. Felt that although I hadn't been there for him in ways I thought I should have been, he forgave me. "Can I see a photo of my older sister?"
"Benji, the reason why Mamma said you were too young is because Mamma was already sick, she didn't want you to think.."
"Papà, I know Eden isn't alive on the photo. But I really want to see her." He sat upon his knees, made eye contact, where I could see the longing look in his eyes. The longing look to finally meet his sister.
Fishing my wallet out of the back pockets of my trousers, I rummaged through it, searching for the photo. I glanced at it. The pale face. The tiny nose, lips. The warmth around her, but not in the core of her heart, as it had been lifeless. With a deep sigh, I handed the photo to Benjamin.
It stayed quiet for a long time. I let him take his time. Eventually, I heard his quiet voice. "Did she have a coffin like Mamma too?"
I nodded. "A little basket."
"Did the church ring the bells for her?"
Another nod.
"Were you and Mamma comforting each other?"
More nodding.
"What did she wear?"
"Mamma sewed her a dress. It was the same color as the lake house. Ochre yellow. It matched well with her black hair."
Benjamin handed the photo back, stared down at the lake.
"Are you okay?"
He pulled his earlobe, his lips parting, but no sounds erupted from his throat. Looking down at him, more worry grew in my already heavy heart. Had I made another mistake? Shouldn't I have shown him the photo? But when was the right time? When he was twenty? Twenty five? Wasn't it something that belonged to him, that he needed to know about along growing up?
I watched him as he stood up. He gazed at the night sky, with his lips parted. I stared at the tiny gap between his front teeth. Smiled sadly. Wishing I could put him in my pocket, so I could protect and keep him with me, forever and ever. I took his appearance in, printing and engraving it in my mind. Consciously. The young boy, soon he would grow even taller, wiser.. more independent.
His eyelids started hanging halfway closed. I took his hand in mine as I stood up. "Want to go back to bed?"
He gave a simple nod.
I crouched down, motioned for him to climb onto my neck. He cracked a small smile, quickly did what I wanted him to. Standing up, I searched for my balance before I started strolling down the hill, kissing Aurora and Eden goodnight in my mind. I held onto Benjamin's shins, felt his cold hands softly resting onto my head.
When we arrived in the warm house, I threw him onto the bed, to which he let out a soft chuckle. I tucked him back in, even though I could sense he didn't want it as much as he did an hour ago. "The crying? Those were twenty points off my manly- ness."
Letting out a sorrowful sound, I pulled his nose. "We gotta eat ice cream to make up for that."
A short smile, before he turned his back to me and didn't answer my words when I bid him a good night's sleep.
When I lied in my own bed, I gazed at the empty spot for a long moment, before my thoughts relived the months after Eden's passing, Benjamin's birth, Aurora, Salomé..
The moment I dozed off, I felt something warm crawling beside me. Soft and warm breathing felt onto my neck. "Papà?"
I tried opening my eyes.
"You didn't have one, right?"
"What?"
"A papà."
"He wasn't present in my life, no."
Silence. Then, soft words. "Even though I don't have a Mamma on Earth anymore or a big sister, I'm so happy and thankful that I have a Papà, still. That I have you as my Papà."
I shifted a little, looked down at him. His eyes were closed. I wondered if he knew that he was begotten right on this place, in this room, in love, pure affection. I hoped he knew how thankful I was for him. "I love you."
He had fallen asleep. So I finished his sentence.
"More than there are flowers in the fields and raindrops in the heavy clouds."
•
A lot has happened this week, sorry for the delay. I got into a car accident, it was slippery because of light snow and I slipped into a ditch with my car. Thankfully I'm okay and not as hurt. Besides that, for the first time in my life I'm going on a sort of.. date..? With someone, which brings me extremely much joy as well as enormous anxiety haha.
Anyway,
What did you all think of the chapter?
Zev and Benji's convo?
Let me know your thoughts x