*** Remember when I said it was getting darker? The amount of research and learning I did better have paid off in this chapter. There's a metaphor in the beginning and I'd like some opinions on it, if y'all don't mind. I hope you like it. ***
-Avi's Point of View-
"You're fine. Idiot."
I had my hands over my ears. She whipped the small car around a corner and sped forwards. I could feel my back merging with the seat. She conducted my emotions with each turn of the steering wheel.
Allegro. She was on the freeway. I could almost hear the crescendo and decrescendo of the swaying sopranos of my cognitive thoughts. The angry tenors belting from other cars as she cut them off, making as many enemies as she possibly could before the bridge. She cackled as she conducted her way between two angering motorcyclists. The song was coming close to an end. The music built into a loud cacophony of bloodcurdling sound before the abrupt and familiar pop of an ending. She pulled herself through the window of the door that was pressed against the hood of another car and bowed to her unadorned fans.
This time, something just didn't feel right. I moved to crawl out of another totaled car and heard a very unsettling cracking sound. I looked down at the gross distortion of my leg. The pain took over, spreading in a slow arpeggio up my body.
I could hear my mother screaming my name from outside the car paired with Rachael's insufferable laughter. They were slowly getting closer. Louder. I couldn't hear my own thoughts over the constant cries of one and the incessant joy of the other.
"No one's going to ever love you!"
I could finally hear Rachael's yelling as I sunk back into mine and Kevin's apartment. "You'd be fucking lucky to get half the woman I am!" She was so angry. The day before she was taken to the hospital after a car accident that was two mph from killing us both. I knew then, lying with my head in Esther's lap that if I let her stay in my life, I'd run out of luck. "It was just a stupid car accident! It wasn't even on purpose this time!" She chanted about how stupid I was while banging her hands against my chest. "I've never gotten hurt in a car accident!"
"I have."
"That was one time! How was I supposed to know the car didn't have airbags?"
"Please leave."
She turned her back to me and headed towards the door. "That's alright. I was sleeping around anyway." She slammed the door and I never saw her again. I waited in the same spot in front of that door waiting for her to burst back in, like she always did when I tried to break up with her. I stood there, like the idiot I was, waiting for her to run back into my arms and take me back as her boyfriend, accepting that I'd made a mistake.
"Avi?" Mitch was standing next to me. I looked ahead to the door to their apartment. When did I leave the couch? "Are you alright?"
That was more vivid than any flash back I'd had. I knew there was a reason I could hear her. It wasn't just in my head anymore. I was physically reliving my past. I had never felt as morose as I did standing in my boyfriend's doorway, waiting for my ex-girlfriend to walk through the door and into my arms. I started laughing. I couldn't believe this was happening. I pulled my beanie off my head and pulled it down over Mitch's hair. He looked confused, but I couldn't even feel my hands on the sides of his sculpture of a face. I let my arms fall limp as I walked to Mitch's room, closed the door behind me and slid down against it. Expecting tears, I wiped my face, and instead just brushed my hand against my dry cheek. I felt nothing. I was nothing.
"Not again."