"Rae." I said softly.
She refused to even lift her eyes to look at me. Today was the day she would travel back home, but I didn't want her to leave without saying anything. It's been a week as she's refused to say anything.
"Rae say something." I sighed as she stood in front of the car that would take her to the airport. Raenah had exhausted herself so much helping me that she couldn't get back on her own.
"What do you want me to say Sol?" She breathed out.
"Anything then you being silent." I said aloud. "Rae you can't see me any more differently than you did before."
"You do understand that's a ridiculous statement!" She snapped as her eyes lock with mine.
The day was dull, a constant breeze with a white sky that showed no sun or formation of clouds. The entire day seemed grey.
"I've looked into your most painful memories and I never thought for a minute that I'd see what I saw." She said as she leaned against the side of the car.
"I know."
"And it's not even cringe worthy memories of your youth, but painful memories that no child should have to see."
I scoff.
"So that's how you see me now? You think I am a child?" I ask.
"Solus no." She says, crossing her arms over her chest. "But it's wasn't that long ago either. And here I am, after years! I didn't think this would happen between us. At one point I loved you."
I reach out and pull her in for a hug as I feel tears hitting the fabric of my shirt.
"Raenah I completely understand that you had absolutely no reason to do this." I say calmly. She sniffles as her arms tentatively wrap themselves around me. "But you actually don't know how much you've helped me. So thank you."
"Will you actually be okay after this? Will you actually find peace?" She whispers.
"Im working on it."
After Raenah left I decided to journey back to my apartment. My babies in tow and happy to be home again. Bubba, Baby and Morty all running around the apartment and playing.
I decided to make myself comfortable and play a movie while I browsed for apartments in Amsterdam. Also looking into dual citizenship.
Maybe from the money I make from the bar, I could finally go to Prague like I wanted. The evening went on and late into the night I was on the phone with a Warlock making plans to see the place he was renting out.
After the conversation was over and I had bought the tickets, I got a knock at my door. Going to open I saw Christine standing there looking mad.
"I wonder what could have your panties in a twist." I say sarcastically as I lean against my door.
"You're leaving?" She growled.
"This is obviously not a conversation for the hallway." I say as I step aside letting her in. She snatched off her sweater as I close the door and she turns on me.
"Nikolai just told Holland, who just told me that you're thinking about moving to Amsterdam. Permanently!"
"I'm not thinking about it. I'm doing it. I've just got off the phone with a warlock renting a house off his property." I say moving passed her to reclaim my seat on the couch.
"What about us!"
"What about you?"
"You're leaving us Solus!" Christine growls angrily. "You're leaving and you don't even care."
"Question, what did you hear from Holland again?" I ask as I shoot her a calm look.
"That you're moving to Amsterdam?"
"Oh! Right! That's it! That I'm moving to Amsterdam. I never said that I was leaving you."
"But aren't you?" Christine shouts. "You're leaving your kingdom! You're leaving you're people! You're leaving, period!"
"So phones don't exist?" I ask.
"Yes but,"
"And the lycans don't have nomadic tendencies, in which you move from place to place every few years?"
"Yes but,"
"Let's also remember that for me to be doing the lycans a disservice in any kind of way, I would have to have been formally announced as your queen, right?"
Christine fell silent I leaned back in my seat staring back at her.
"You're selfish." She seethed.
"Okay." I sighed nonchalantly and turned my attention back to my laptop.
"You don't hear me! You're selfish! You're choosing yourself over your kingdom!"
"I'm not your queen though."
"But you are!"
"Christine." I breathe out as I sit up, my hands locking together as I look up at her. "What is this really about?"
Her lips clamp shut.
"Because I know damn well, you didn't come to my home to fuss and whine and bitch about how you think I'm selfish because let's get one thing straight; I've never, and I mean never promised you anything. And don't give me that bullshit about what other she wolves would have done in my position because let's be really fucking honest," I stand from the couch, reminding Christine of the person she met. "I've never been raised with their values. Therefore I don't think like they do."
"Any she wolf would kill to be queen!" Christine snaps.
"I'd kill just to have a decent night of sleep!" I fire back. "What does that tell you?"
A long moment of silence crosses between us before Christine gives a sigh of defeat. Her eyes no longer holding anger but exhaustion. The centuries that hid behind her eyes suddenly came the surface.
Without saying anything she threw her body onto my couch. Slouching in her tight pencil skirt and floral blouse. She kicked off her heels as I sat back down.
"It tells me you don't care."
"Damn it Christine. It's not that I don't care..." I say as I turn to face her.
"No." Her voice suddenly tight with tears. I pause in confusion as I look to her. "You don't care, like these other wolves do. You have everything being presented to you, a loving mate, a kingdom filled with people that are ready to adore you, riches and wealth, but you don't want that." She sits up looking right at me. An angry sort of confusion in her expression. "Why?" She asks.
"Because," I shrug. "To me...it doesn't matter how much of something you have, if it's not making you happy it's pointless."
"And that's why I fear you." Christine says as she sniffles. Her eyes level with mine as my brows knit together.
"Okay, that's weird." I say laughing. "You're Lycan. You don't have much to be afraid of."
"The first time I met you in that library, you terrified me." She says firmly which made me shut up. "You were intense and intimidating. You talked and acting like a person with nothing to loose. Do you understand how horrifying that is? I never, not once, thought I'd shake in fear of a wolf, then there was you."
"I'm not that special Christine. I just have severe anger issues." I say with a shake of my head.
"My point is," Christine says. "That you are one hundred percent correct."
What?
"I've had a damn perfect life. Right at the gate; Holland was there. And I love him, I will always love him, nothing will change that. But I could never help the feeling I'd get when ever I'd leave Holland to fight my battles. And he has. For every year we've been together, Holland has been my defender but, it's left me questioning if I could even defend myself. And with you in the library, on the first day we met, I realized that the answer was no."
I sit back and listen to her. Fresh tears rolling down her cheeks as she smooths her brown hair out of her face. Crying but still gorgeous, that was Christine.
"You are everything that I never once thought I could be." She says. "You're tough, you're mean, you're sometimes incredibly terrifying. You don't cut corners to spare anyone's feelings, you're independent, you can hold your own in a fight, you'll smile in face of your demons, not once did I feel I could ever do that!" Christine shouts exasperated. "Holland has been the one to do that for me. Even with Percy,"
"The ego maniac you told me about?"
"Yes him. Whenever anything with Percy happened, Holland would fix it immediately. But when I would try to fix it on my own, it was useless. I'd tell him to leave me alone, I even tried threatening him, he'd just laugh at me. He treated me like I was nothing, as if my words didn't matter." Fresh tears rolling down her face.
"Christine," I ask lowly. "Did Percy force himself on you?"
"He never got the chance. Percy's last attempt ended his life. He tried forcing himself on me when I was changing in my bedchamber, Holland was there in a millisecond and broke his neck." Christine says. I would have done worse, but that works. "Then entire time, I was thinking, why wasn't he listening to me? Then I think about you, and I say to myself, Sol would have dismembered him and threw him into the abyss."
She's not wrong.
"You are not like other she wolves at all." Christine goes on. "You don't care about status, or wealth, or people's opinions. And now, you're moving to Amsterdam! Do you understand that you are the dream of most Lycan women? We have been told for millennia that we were below our male counterparts. That we were made for them. We were never encouraged to do things on our own."
I don't say anything as I sit in silence and listen to Christine. Everything she says adding weight to me. And she's absolutely right.
Lycan women have been taught to be beneath their men for years. Christine was born into that, brought up with the traditional beliefs of Lycan and wolves alike. A male of higher status is sought after, no woman would be crazy enough to turn that down.
Lycan women would kill to be queen, and they have, but here I am refusing the crown and kingdom. Normal she-wolves and Lycan women wouldn't even think of branching out on their own, at the fear of being disowned by their families as independent women were seen in a negative light.
"You are everything I've been taught to hate." Christine sighs. "You terrify me."
"Why?"
"Because, I want to be you. I want to have the courage you have-"
"No no no no no." I shake my head as I laugh. "No, this is not courage. This is blind luck."
"Some of it has to be. If it was blind luck, that would mean that you believe what I believe and everything is a coincidence. You're fearless."
"So why can't you do it?"
"What?" She sits up as she wipes her face.
"Is your life really that bad?" I ask.
"No but-"
"Okay, are you in any position to not do things on your own?"
"No-"
"So what's stopping you?"
"I have Holland, and my pack,"
"Your pack is technically all over the world." I cut her off. She knows I'm right.
"I would miss Holland; and you would miss Nikolai." She states as a matter of factly.
"I would." I nod. "But Nikolai knows why I'm doing this. And again, it's not like I'm leaving you guys. I'm just moving to Amsterdam." I shrug.
"Amsterdam is so far." She whines. "Why even go there at all?"
"Because I have a bar there gifted to me by a the spirit of an old man." I say flatly. "It's also the only sense of direction of have. Me being your queen, would be me looking away from everything I need to fix about myself. I can't be a good leader if I don't resolve my issues. What kind of person would I be if I were to put an entire congregation of people through that?"
"So that's why you're going to Amsterdam?"
I nod.
Yes, of course having a bar to play piano freely, to just enjoy company and do something with my life, would be nice.
But it was also the only sense of direction and independence I had.
"Then, can I go with you?"