[Warning: this chapter might be triggering. Please see tags in the description of the story. FYI this is NOT the last chapter.]
THE MEMORIES OF US (II).
There was a booming, dull sound somewhere far away, absorbed by the gloomy, overhanging clouds on the dark horizon. Then the thunder suddenly rumbled much closer, its powerful sound rolling across the night sky and plunging down Sarawat's spine like an electric current. He had not been able to sleep, aimlessly strumming agitated melodies on his guitar while chaos raged inside his mind. The wind was now steadily picking up too, roaring outside and ominously rattling the thin frame of the open balcony door. The flimsy curtain that had been sucked outside was flapping against the window aimlessly.
Sarawat frowned, moving the acoustic guitar off his lap and getting up from his perch on the bed, naked feet padding over the floor. He pulled the tangled curtain inside first and then slid the door closed. Suddenly a flash cracked over the sky, illuminating the tiny room briefly in stark light, making Sarawat recoil as he got blinded for one moment, seeing only white.
Fuck!
His jaded heart thumbed a little faster. This shit storm came totally out of nowhere. The air wheezed dryly in his lungs, prompting him to cough nastily, shoulders shaking from the force of it. He felt something wet and warm against the palm of his hand and a trail of red saliva dragged from his lips, popping in the air, as he pulled his hand away from his scowling face. Sarawat curled his fingers immediately into a messy fist. If he did not acknowledge it, then it was simply not there.
Another rumble rolled over the horizon, reverberating through his bones, just as the sky finally cracked open and rain poured down mercilessly. The fat drops of water splattered against the window, pulling a hazy curtain over the outside world, reflecting Sarawat's fatigued expression back at him in the dark glass.
His skin had a pallid, unhealthy undertone to it, purple marring the thin skin under his eyes, slick blood smeared over his bow shaped lips. Sarawat squeezed his eyes shut, not wanting to see any of that – his own ruin. He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand harshly, the tangy, iron taste still heavy on his tongue. He had helped save a life, he should feel proud of it and not lock himself up in this room like a dying animal.
But he did not want Tine to see this, whatever it was that was going on with him. His condition was getting worse. It had started innocently enough with nosebleeds but then it quickly proceeded to bloody coughs that were coming and going at strange intervals. It seemed like there was no end to it. He wondered what the final stage would be like, actually spewing his guts out until there was nothing left of him, choking on his heart?
Sarawat combed a frustrated hand through his messy hair, lips slightly parted. There was really no out of it this time, huh? It was like a vicious circle. A malicious give and take.
Natty did not have any better ideas either. She had never seen anyone actually share their life force this way before, everything she had told Sarawat had only been her own speculations and what information that they had managed to piece together. There were undoubtedly boundaries that they should not cross in the universe, rules set for how things were supposed to work. But they had no chance of knowing about those unless they tried things, like Sarawat sharing his life force with Tine or Phukong getting that magical tattoo, each time risking to stumble upon unforeseeable consequences. It was like playing hide and seek with their eyes closed without knowing what was actually at stake.
Natty's best theory so far was that they both shared one life now – Sarawat's life. She thought that Tine was the reason for Sarawat's life essence leaking, the connection that he had established between them with that soul sucking kiss was basically still draining him of life. It had not been a one time thing as he had thought first, it was a codependency. Tine was running on borrowed time as long as Sarawat was alive, sharing his life span with him. But then what? What would happen to Tine once Sarawat was gone? Because that was certainly where it was heading off to.
The beginnings of a nasty headache throbbed at Sarawat's temples. Had everything been for nothing then? He inhaled shakily, blinking rapidly. No. He did not regret anything. Tine was worth it all, every minute and every breath, even if it was just for a short, bittersweet moment.
BAM! Crack!
Another thunder boomed just as someone suddenly banged on Sarawat's door, making him jolt out of his fatalistic thoughts. Sarawat's gaze darted to his wristwatch, it was way after midnight. What the hell.
Nonetheless he rambled over to the door and yanked it open, one hand loosely held on the handle. He staggered in his tracks abruptly, blinking owlishly as he saw who was standing outside under the blinding hallway lights.
Tine was all drenched from the pouring rain, face ghostly pale and expression eerily vacant, eyes glassy. Ebony hair was plastered against his forehead in ringlets, arms hanging limply at his sides. His t-shirt was all wet, almost see-through and plastered to his toned upper body, he had been building some muscle mass with all the exercises that he was doing. He was also wearing gray sweatpants and a pair of ugly plastic slippers, as if he had been in a hurry and just threw something on while on his way out. Sarawat frowned minutely but came quickly out of his stupor.
"Shit, don't just stand there," he said urgently, reaching out and pulling Tine inside by his icy cold upper arms. A trail of moist, earthy scent followed inside with the young man. "Let me get you something dry to wear."
Sarawat darted quickly into the bathroom to get a fluffy towel. While reaching for it on the hanger, he caught sight of his hands that were still smeared with blood. Shit. He opened the tap and washed them quickly in the faucet, letting the pinkish water swirl down the drain, casting a fleeting glance at his own haggard expression in the mirror. He exhaled. Well, nothing to about that now.
Tine was standing motionless in the middle of the room when Sarawat came back. His head was hanging low, dripping rainwater on the floor, hands loosely curled into fists against his thighs. There were reddish smears on his biceps from where Sarawat had grabbed him before. The guitarist quickly wrapped him in the big towel to cover the traces of his possibly shitty life choices.
"What's going on? Are you alright?" He asked while rubbing at Tine's wet hair, making it all messy and fluffy, proceeding to meticulously wipe the water off his long neck and then padding at his shoulders and chest to soak up the worst of the draught. The nasty storm kept roaring outside, making the lights flicker inside the room. Sarawat paused for a tiny bit, awaiting a reply.
None came. The rain smattered against the window and only Tine's erratic breaths filled the charged space between them. He really did smell like earth and rain, a dusty kind of scent, almost electric, Sarawat thought fleetingly. Just like the storm.
He was just about to fetch some clothes for Tine to change into, turning around but Tine's hand shot out suddenly like a snake, latching onto Sarawat's wrist and keeping him in place. The towel fell off his shoulders, pooling at the heels of his feet. Tine's fingers felt ice cold, trembling slightly with repressed emotions. A wayward drop of water dripped off his elbow, hitting the floor with a tiny splatter.
"Why didn't you tell me?" Tine whispered croakily, head still bowed low and damp bangs obscuring his pale face, the short hairs curling at his neck. A chill ran down Sarawat's back.
"About what?" He asked slowly, dread filling him. Oh shit. Oh no.
"Don't do this. P'Type told me everything."
Everything?
Sarawat's heart trashed crazily inside his chest as he felt something drag him slowly through the floor, cold iron pooling in his lower stomach. This was it. He licked his bow shaped lips quickly, big eyes roaming over Tine's lithe frame. He was really hard to read right now. Was he sad? Angry? Disappointed?
Thank fucking god that Phukong had decided to go back home for now.
"I'm sorry about my family a-"
"I don't care about that," Tine interjected heatedly, tugging on Sarawat's arm harshly, making the guitar pick bracelet dangle on his wrist. "It's ab-" Tine paused as his throat tightened around a dry sob.
He could not believe that his fucking nightmares had not been groundless. Idiot. And all those strange things he had been seeing floating around him, it was probably because he was still standing with one foot in the grave. Type's rapt retelling of the few but quite informative things he knew about, had finally made Tine realize that the things plaguing him were not mere hallucinations, it was memories and forgotten feelings, repressed demons trying to crawl out from the back of his mind. Sarawat was a goddamn liar, pretending that everything was fine.
Tine inhaled shakily and then tried again. "It's about you. You giving your life to me."
It was no doubt that Sarawat had tampered with the most precious thing in the world - a life, his life, to bring Tine back from the abyss. Why would he do that, meddling with unknown forces? Was he not scared?
"And what about it?" Sarawat said, getting riled up unexpectedly, eyes ablaze as he tried to rip his hand away from Tine's steely grip. It infuriated him that Tine still refused to look at him, denying Sarawat a glimpse into his soul. "What's wrong with that?" He spat defensively, chest heaving. Deep down he was afraid of rejection. Fate had brought them together under such strange circumstances. Maybe all of it had been just some type of Stockholm syndrome that had affected them both?
Tine remained quiet, only chewing on his already raw, lower lip. A sudden flash, followed by booming thunder, whitewashed the whole room, elongating the creeping shadows for a fleeting moment. But the pair remained motionless, locked inside their emotional struggle.
"Well?" Sarawat inclined his head almost mockingly, tugging harshly at his own arm in Tine's grip to provoke some sort of reaction out of him. "What would you have me do instead?" He probed unrelentingly. "Just let you die? Would that make you happy?"
"I don't know," came finally the quiet reply, fluttering over Tine's wrecked lips, like a lost butterfly. "I really don't know. But I didn't want you involved in any of it. That's why I decided to let go and go- go into the fucking light or whatever when things started to get strange. I didn't want to hurt you. And now... God," he choked on his words, lips jerking. "I don't even understand what's going on. What have we done?"
Something warm dripped on Sarawat's wrist just as Tine's shoulders shuddered with repressed sobs. Sarawat reached out carefully and wiped Tine's hot tears away with his thumb, tugging a little on the soft skin of his cheek.
"Your condition was all because of my shitty family. How does that not involve me? You can't make decisions for the both of us. You left but then I made the decision to bring you back."
"Stop acting like a hero," Tine muttered, his face still downturned even if inclining a little into the warmth of Sarawat's palm. His emotions felt too raw and too fragile for him to look directly into Sarawat's dark eyes. He was afraid that his own lovesick gaze would reveal just too much, how desperately happy Tine actually was that Sarawat had brought him back. That he gave them another chance. That he had believed in them when Tine had been ready to give up. In fact Tine may have already given up twice, once when the accident pulled him under and then a second time as a ghost nurturing on Sarawat's life.
"I could say the same thing to you," Sarawat admonished with a huff, the fight slowly draining out of him. It was obviously the case of a pot calling the kettle black. How long could they keep this going, trying to save each other? One of them was bound to lose out in the end.
"I'm sorry it took me forever to remember, it was just so surreal to have you right there at my side," Tine cut in quietly, sniffling thinly. "It must've been lonely. We're just doing everything backwards, huh?"
"Yeah. But it's okay," Sarawat replied just as quietly as he dragged Tine closer and enveloped him into a one armed hug as the other man still refused to let go of his wrist, squishing their hands between them. Sarawat did not really want to think about anything bad right now if possible. Tine mushed his damp face gratefully against Sarawat's broad chest as he sniffled quietly, big body still buzzing with unleashed tension. "As long as we're together, I don't really care what you remember." He patted Tine's head softly, his melodic voice rumbling under Tine's ear.
"But seriously," Tine muttered into Sarawat's chest, slowly slipping his hand down Sarawat's wrist and entwining their fingers. "How did you do it?"
The lights flickered inside the room, bathing them in darkness for one tiny second, two souls lost in space.
"Does it really matter?" Sarawat asked wearily.
"Yes."
"Why?"
"Because. I want to know," Tine insisted. Because he wanted to know how big of a damage that had left.
Sarawat stalled, one hand playing with the short hairs on Tine's nape, eyes staring at the gloomy weather raging outside the window, perfectly mirroring just how he felt inside. It was not like he could tell Tine that he was basically draining Sarawat of life.
Tine was getting agitated the longer he had to wait. Something was seriously not right here. He hated this feeling, being right about something dreadful.
"Ai'Wat. What have you done?" He asked, trying to sound even but his voice waivered. His fingers and toes felt like lumps of ice just as cold dread seeped into his bones, sending vicious shivers down his spine. He felt Sarawat stiffen up against him, his hold on Tine going almost painful as he clutched him closer. Tine's soggy clothes left wet imprints against the front of Sarawat's hoodie and pants that now felt clammy against the guitarist's skin.
Tine felt suddenly very afraid, Sarawat was usually rather straightforward. His nightmares of Sarawat dying flashed straight before his eyes. How much of his life had he poured into Tine to bring him back? He could only guess. Tine inhaled shakily.
"What have you done to save me?" He asked this time more firmer, cold fury underlining his words and pushed away from Sarawat, from their embrace, stumbling over the towel that had been left discarded on the floor. Tine then raised his gaze, glaring at the other man and for the first time that night met Sarawat's inky gaze head on.
Tine's eyes were a little swollen and red, rapidly filling up with hot tears of despair. "You need to tell me," he demanded heatedly, reaching out and fisting his hands in Sarawat's black hoodie, trying to pull him closer to slot his mouth over Sarawat's, just like how he had accidentally done as a ghost when inhaling the other man's life.
The wind roared outside as the storm picked up again, rattling the windows. The shadows grew bigger at Tine's back.
"Let me return it back to you! I don't need all of it!"
Rumbling thunder rolled over the sky threateningly. Like a warning.
"Tine," Sarawat said while grabbing a hold of his upper arms to keep him still but the other young man just kept tugging at his clothes, desperately clawing at him. The tears were now streaking down his ghostly pale face as he cried, mouth a little square and flushed. Sarawat tried to catch his feverish gaze. "Tine! It's too late. Stop it."
"What do you mean it's too late?! Didn't you bring me back when it was too late? Why can't we save you too?" Tine hiccupped, just hanging onto Sarawat now, afraid to let go in case the other man would just suddenly disappear into thin air like a ghost. Oh, how the tables have turned.
Something broke inside of Sarawat and he tugged Tine's cold, shivering body closer, he needed the comforting support as well.
"Because there's noting left to give in return," he conceded softly. "I shared my life with you but you can't really do that, since you know-" Sarawat gave him a sad look from under his bangs. "You almost died back there."
"Hah?" Tine blinked confused, eyes large and round as he finally stilled, his hot breath fanning against Sarawat's skin in the crook of his neck, heart racing.
"And it's not just me, it's you too. Once I'm gone-"
"Don't say that!"
"Once I'm gone," Sarawat plowed through with gritted teeth, "-you probably won't have much time left either."
Tine leaned away slightly, eyes wide as he stared at Sarawat. His heart thudded heavily inside his chest while blood sloshed inside his ears. What? Tine tugged at his lower lip with his teeth. Surprisingly, he was not afraid of dying, he was more worried about Sarawat and not seeing him ever again, never feel his touch.
"I don't understand. So the both of us are...?"
"I think so. It seems like my life is not big enough for two. You know that too. Beside, didn't we already try sharing one body before? And remember how that went for us? It's bound to get cramped, just like inside this dorm room."
"Fuck. Don't even joke around, it's not funny," Tine hissed mortified, swiping a shaking hand over his face with a repressed groan.
Sarawat just shrugged his wide shoulders, a sad little smile tugging at his bow shaped lips, eyes a little glassy. He made gabby hands in Tine's direction, pulling him back in against himself and resting his chin on Tine's sturdy shoulder.
"What else is there to do? I'm pretty tired of feeling shitty about this," he murmured against Tine's neck almost a little wishfully and then added, "Will you stay the night? You need to get out of these wet clothes soon."
"Yes," came the low reply, Tine's voice sounding vacant as million thoughts kept rushing through his head while he tried to process all this new information. This was not right. He had to do something before it was too late. If only it was possible to rewind the time, to go back to where it all had gone wrong.
-----
Sarawat's eyes fluttered open, first focusing of the tiny dust particles sailing through the air, then the mounds of soft sheets and white pillows stretching before him like a snowy landscape, before finally finding a pair of round, brown orbs staring attentively back at him. Tine blinked, eyes crinkling at the corners, a pillow hiding his sweet smile.
"You know, it doesn't feel all that different to be here for real than being a ghost," Tine supplied, eyes darting around the dorm room, breaking the spell of quietness that had fallen over the room. It seemed that the storm had finally passed in the early hours of the morning and the sun was lazily shining through the window, setting the room aglow with a hazy, silvery light.
They had just quietly gone to bed the night before, heads full of demons and clinging to each other while pretending to sleep, pretending that everything was all right. Come morning, things actually felt all right too, in a bizarre sort of way.
Sarawat smiled sleepily, even if a little dorkily and pulled Tine closer, snuggling into his cozy warmth. If only every morning could start off this way. Tine's arm circled around his narrow waist, fitting quite perfectly in the soft dip between his hipbone and ribcage.
"I don't necessarily agree," Sarawat drawled as he dragged his sultry lips over Tine's pale neck, venturing higher, over the cut of his jaw. "I couldn't really do this before whenever I wanted." He nuzzled into Tine's cheek to prove his point and then kissed him on the lips fleetingly, just a tiny peck.
Tine's ears flushed instantly. He liked these sweet, little moments. The simplicity of it all was somehow mesmerizing. He basically radiated happiness, burrowing his bedhead in the crook of Sarawat's warm neck and throwing a long leg over his lithe thighs. Tine felt a coy smile being pressed into his forehead as Sarawat's hand slipped under his t-shirt, softly trailing over the skin along his back. Yesterday's conversation felt like a far away nightmare that could not reach him in this safe space of Sarawat's embrace. Being this close to his soulmate, who was so much more than that – now that they shared one life, it was both romantic and ... tragic.
Tine felt a sharp intake of breath against the side of his face, cooling his skin just as Sarawat's big body trembled slightly under him. Tine looked up alarmed, instantly being pulled out of his lazy morning daze.
Silent tears were slowly rolling down Sarawat's handsome face and across the bridge of his nose since they were lying down, soaking the pillow. His eyes were downcast, the damp lashes grazing his cheeks. Tine's heart thudded loudly. The tears were faintly reddish, like blood diluted with water, leaving traces on the white sheets.
"Oh, Wat... please don-"
Sarawat wiped at his own eyes harshly, not even caring that he was just smearing his bloody tears around. He probably did not have a piece of clothing or bedspread by now that was not already stained with flecks of blood. His nosebleeds and coughs had been pretty nasty for the past few days. So apparently he cried blood now too, that was not even surprising at this rate.
"Let's go far away from this place," Sarawat murmured hoarsely. "Let's- let's just pretend that we have all the time in the world and just be happy for a little while?"
Tine dragged his bunny teeth over his lower lip but nodded nonetheless, feeling a little shocked, head sliding against the pillow and electrifying his fine hair. In the light of the day he could now see how broken Sarawat looked, eyes big and haunted, the heavy weight of their strange reality dragging him down. Tine wanted to give him everything in that instant, right then and there.
"Let's," he exhaled fiercely, reaching out and cupping one hand around Sarawat's damp cheek, the leather bracelet dangling from his pale wrist. It was a promise. "Let's do everything you want."
And as stupid as it might sound the next couple of days that they spent together, on the brink of their world's end, had been the happiest ones in Sarawat's whole life. They lived them like they were their last – which they kind of were. They found themselves in a perfect dream, weaving a white lie over their expiring existence. Seeing Tine laugh so brightly under the yellow sun while walking along the wide stripe of the beach, without a care in the world, now that all the worldly struggles of impending career choices and family issues were of little importance, was what made everything worth it. He was worth every inch of Sarawat's own life. Out of all the people, Sarawat had wanted him the most. And maybe the whole universe had conspired so that they could meet, even if it had been too late. Sarawat would still make the same choices all over again just to be with Tine a little while longer.
Hold him carefully in his arms during lazy mornings, just to see his ears flush from happiness.
Wipe his tears away when the feelings ran too deep, pulling his shaking body close in the darkest of the nights.
And then one day silently leave, leaving everything behind. All hopes and dreams. Leaving Tine behind.
Blipping out of existence with one last breath.
˚˚*·.
˚*~••✩＊*˚*·.
Tine lived in a nightmare in the days that followed Sarawat's death.
Note:
People, this is NOT the last chapter. Stay tuned, there's one more coming.
Also sorry for the cliffhanger !! But this is how this arc had to end.
Don't go feeling too sad just yet. I don't like sad endings, just saying. And there's actually a clue in this chapter of what might happen next, if you squint.
Thank you for reading this far ♥