"The essence of lying is in deception, not in words," -John Ruskin
"Time to wake up!" one of the nurses say.
It's 7 AM. I know that because the brochure with my schedule says we wake up at 7 AM and take a shower. On the brochure this is referred to as "hygiene time". I wake up immediately.
"You can get anything that you need from the office and then take your shower when you're ready," the nurse informs me.
"Okay thank you," I reply.
I realize I don't know where the office is so I ask the nurse. He points me to this little room that I thought was a break room. There is another nurse inside that hands me my bag that I brought with me. I go back to my room. There is a bathroom connected to the room. It looks weird. The door has a slanted cutout on the top and bottom. There is no doorknob or lock, just an indent in the door so that you can push it open and pull it closed. I walk into the bathroom. It looks normal, small but normal. The knob in the shower is a cylindrical shape. I finish and brush my teeth. Then, I go out into my room to dry and brush my hair. The nurse from earlier says he's going home for the rest of the week and says goodbye. A new nurse comes in to inform us that breakfast is ready. Me and Alyssa walk out into the main room. Apparently there is no cafeteria so we all just eat in the main room. I just drink my apple juice and don't eat anything. The food looks gross and I honestly don't have much of an appetite. Today I actually meet everyone there are two boys, Trey and Tristan, Alyssa, and two little kids, Max and Blake. Trey is on anti-depressants because he tried to kill himself on multiple occasions, Tristan got into a fight with someone and ended up here, Max tried to suffocate himself and his mom found him and called 911, and well, we don't really know why is here. We all have theories, he has serious anger issues, he may have tried to kill himself, he may have hurt someone. The list goes on. Trey thinks he tried to kill his parents. We eat and then I read in a corner. Later, we go outside and I sit on a bench and read. Blake throws a tantrum and the nurses have to talk to him. When we get inside we have group time. This means we make a little book and fill it with healthy coping mechanisms. We talk and get to know each other.
"I can't wait to get out of here. My grandma's supposed to pick me up today," Alyssa says.
We all nod our heads except Max and Blake.
"I actually like it here, I don't want to go home," Max says.
"Well, what's wrong at home?" Alyssa asks.
"Um, nothing"
"Well something has to be bad if you don't want to go home"
Max just shakes his head and stays silent.
We finish our books and the lady who was in charge of group leaves. We have some time to do whatever so we all just play Uno with the staff. Tristan is sent to talk to a psychiatrist and Max and Blake play Jenga in the corner, so it's just me, Trey, Alyssa, and the staff people playing. Then, we eat lunch. Well, I don't really eat anything I just drink my sweet tea.
"Why are you a vegetarian?" one of the staff people ask.
"Well, I don't like meat," I say.
"So is your whole family vegetarian?" Alyssa asks.
"No, it's just me"
"How long have you been a vegetarian?" Trey asks.
"Since I was six"
"Do you eat fish?" The staff person asks.
"No, I'm not a pescatarian"
"Wait, what's a pescatarian?"
"A person who eats fish but not meat"
We all just talk for a while. It's nice to be able to just talk to them all like nothing happened.
"So have you ever done drugs?" a psychiatrist asks Tristan.
I think it's kind of weird that they're asking him this in front of all of us but, none of us say anything.
"Um, yeah," he says.
"How old were you and what did you do?"
"I used to do meth and weed. I started when I was five"
"Who gives meth and weed to a five year old?" Alyssa says.
"What do you mean?" Tristan asks.
"Well, someone had to give you the drugs"
He doesn't answer. They continue to ask him questions and we just listen. When the psychiatrist leaves we all just talk.
"So are you like suicidal?" Alyssa asks me.
"No," I lie. "I just didn't really think about it when I took those meds."
Then, we have group time again. This time, we talk about bullying. I miss the first half of group since it's my turn to talk to a psychiatrist.
"Hi, Valentina. I just have a few questions for you," she says.
"Okay," I reply.
She asks a series of question about my family, my friends, and any cases of mental illness in my family. I answer her questions with a smile so that she decides that I'm okay and I can go home.
"Have you ever felt hopeless?"
"No," I lie shaking my head.
"Okay, have you ever had any suicidal thoughts and if so, how often?"
"No, I didn't want to die when I took the meds. I just honestly didn't think about it"
"Have you ever felt insecure?"
"Well everyone's insecure about something, but I've never had really bad insecurities"
"Have you ever felt anxious, sad or empty for a long period of time?"
"No," the questions continue in the same manner and my lies continue to pile up.
I decide that I must be a good liar because throughout the day as more people keep asking me similar questions, I keep lying and they all believe me. When I get back to group time the lady in charge is asking if any of us have ever had an experience with bullying.
"Yeah I've been bullied and I've been a bully," Tristan says.
"Would anyone like to share any experiences with bullying?" the lady asks.
"Tristan would, raise your hand Tristan," Alyssa says.
"What no why," Tristan says.
"I don't like bullies," Alyssa says.
The rest of group time continues like this and then the lady leaves. Then Blake throws another tantrum and starts slamming his head against a door. One of the staff people has to restrain him and makes him sit in a corner. Whenever we look at him he just curses at us. It's kind of weird to see a five year old curse at you. The rest of us just sit around and talk for a little while.
"I heard one of the staff people say his mom doesn't want to pick him up," Trey says.
"I don't blame her if I was his mama I wouldn't pick him up either," Alyssa says.
We then, decide to play connect four for a while. Someone new walks in.
"So this is what suicidal kids do all day, play connect four?" the new kid says.
"Who is he?" Trey asks.
"I'm Josh," he says.
We do all of our introductions again.
"What are you in here for? You seem so innocent," he says to me.
"I took a bunch of meds I wasn't supposed to take," I answer.
"So are you suicidal?"
"No," I lie for what feels like the millionth time.
"Oh good, you're normal"
"Hey just because we're suicidal doesn't mean we're not normal," Trey says.
Alyssa falls asleep on a bench in the main room. I sit in a corner and read while all the boys sit in a corner talking. Blake comes over and asks if I'll play Jenga with him because Max is hanging out with the other boys.
"Sure," I say as I close my book.
"Look she's nice, she's playing with the kid," Josh says.
I play Jenga with Blake while the other boys try to wake up Alyssa.
"She won't wake up. How can someone sleep for that long," Trey says.
A staff person comes in and says that my parents are here and I'm finally being released. I gather my things and get ready to finally go home. They all said that the psych ward would help me. I think it just made me realize what a good liar I am and how often I lie to keep my secrets.