"You can't treat royalty like people with normal perverted desires."
-Tom Stoppard
chapter 4
"Fuck!" Jazz shouts, the usual control he had over his own body going straight down the goddamn drain as he trips, reels to the right, and faceplants into a pole-- which, embarrassingly, was probably one of the only poles on their entire running route-- before popping right back up. He has a single moment of clarity before his head spins and something happens-- and then he's on his ass, hands planted against the sidewalk.
Blinking a couple times, and used to being an idiot like this, it takes a second or two for him to realize that Cas is in front of him, hands on his hips as he chuckles down at the musician.
"Wow," The celestial squeaks, an amused smile on his lips as teal and viridian spin against his song, which was warm and content at the moment. "You're the only person who's wiped out faster than me while running and you don't even have an excuse. You're just clumsy."
"I got distracted." Jazz defends himself, eyes catching onto Cas' gray ones, then quickly moves onto tying his shoes and totally not still thinking about how nice the celestial's ass looks in the shorts-- which aren't booty shorts but are definitely shorter than the average basketball shorts-- he's currently wearing.
In the musician's defense, Cas is extremely attractive and he's not being disrespectful about it, just simply admiring his roommate's form.
"Jasper?" The celestial saying his name makes Jazz look up, attention completely on him as the other man's head tilted slightly, an absent tic. "Be careful."
"I'm trying," He honestly was.
But how could he not get distracted by someone like Cas? Who's beautiful and green and safe and so very interesting. And who likes books!
And he's gay, so Jazz might actually have a chance.
Or, well, he would if the celestial wasn't so far out of his league that the idea of their being a 'them' was laughable.
"No, you're not." Cas scoffs and shakes his head, a squeak soon following to interrupt. "You can play so many instruments that it's impossible not for you to have control of your body. If you were trying, you wouldn't trip. Also, if you were being careful, you definitely would've gotten distracted by...what were you distracted by?"
Then the distracting, handsome godly being just had to come closer, a deceptively toned body and lean frame etching into his space and-- oh my god, he is so close! And, since Jazz is just the giant that he is, their height difference (even though Cas was just slightly crouching) wasn't that bad at the moment.
Which made the musician just a little bit amused but by the basil and chartreuse of annoyance, the sentiment was not the same.
Then he remembers that-- oh fuck-- Cas asked him exactly why he is distracted and he still hadn't answered.
"Well, urm," Jazz almost hates the blush on his cheeks but like, it's the celestial making go all red so he also doesn't mind. "Your, uh... your ass?" He eventually squeaks out, minty eyes going a little wide realizing what he just said.
Sunflowers mix into that viridian, sprouting soft ferns and a lovely dance against the celestial's emotions-- as if he knows something the musician didn't but was too amused to dare let him know about.
But then, god have mercy, Cas smirks and-- holy shit.
Jazz didn't know he could get more attractive but damn was he proven wrong.
"If my ass was distracting you, you should have said something sooner." Looking him up and down, Cas' smirk widens, a playfulness entering his eyes that Jazz desperately wants to see more often; then he just has to make it all worse by pressing a hand to his chest and pushing the musician back into his former crouched position. "I could have let you run in front."
Let him run in front?
Why? So Jazz could get embarrassed incase he was running weirdly or worried incase the celestial tripped and got hurt, or stupidly flustered because he's in front of his roommate and has no idea what said roommate would be looking at.
It's not like Jazz finds himself particularly attractive but it'd be nice to know that Cas was the slightest bit interested.
Then the celestial is running away from him, of course Jazz is happy to chase after him but it's still no fun to be left behind, so he's quick to follow.
Completely flustered and not knowing what the fuck to do-- because, well, this really amazing and nice and attractive celestial is flirting with him-- Jazz blurts out the first question that comes to find, a stammer in his voice, "Do y-you, um, do you think that a llama or an octopus would look better with a top hat?"
And, for whatever reason, that makes Cas laugh so hard that they had to stop running all over again-- only this time both of them was red, one from bi-panic and another from well... amusement? Amazement? That's what his viridian song was telling him but Jazz was still pink up to his ears so he could definitely be reading it wrong.
"You cute, clumsy Jitterbug," Cas bumps into his shoulder slightly, a snicker following out of his mouth as gray eyes twinkle at the musician. "Can you not- -bit hot innit!- -go red for a single moment?"
"J-Jitterbug?" Jazz gulps, biting his lip to avoid asking, is that a nickname? Did I do something to deserve that kindness? Are we flirting? Can we flirt?
"Nervous," Cas' smirk widens, almost smug, and it makes the musician's heart flutter in mint spazzes. "Kinda jumpy."
Jazz pouts, "I'm not jumpy."
"You didn't let me finish," The celestial comes closer, bodies only inches apart and Jazz gulps, the sudden-- but also honestly not that sudden-- urge to touch him growing all the more. "You're jumpy."
Then his minty eyes are widening as a slightly rough hand is grasping his jaw, just enough pressure to make Jazz all too aware of how fast is beating and the Celestial is watching him as he speaks.
"And nervous." Their faces are brought together by Cas' gentle grip, his thumb pressing down onto his bottom lip, teeth leaving the skin with a gasp. "And absolutely adorable."
Then, due to their height difference, he's raising onto his toes and their noses just barely brush together.
His song was wild and safe and everything about him was warm. Jazz could see details he never did before; the small scar just below the celestial's bottom lip, the faint freckles across his cheeks, the dusting of pink on the tip of his nose, the ring of pure silver striking through his gaze like starlight and worship found their purpose in his eyes.
"And also oblivious."
Wait, what? Why is he stepping back?
Cas must've put a spell on him or something because Jazz can barely pull himself out of the daze left in the celestial's wake, barely registering that he had said something.
What was it?
Did he need to reply?
The smirk on Cas' lips said, no, but the cocky expression glinting in his eyes and the motion of his hand said, follow me and I'll show you.
Jazz struggles to get in control of his own breath, his own heart-- but of course he follows. Of course, he'll always follow the celestial wherever he beckons him.
After all, what is an ordinary man to do in the face of a god but offer his own heart?
***
Jazz, for all his panic and the oh-my-god-why-didn't-he-kiss-me frustration, made the smart move and worked off the feelings by exercising.
He used to work out with Dela before her soccer practices when he got too annoyed, used to fix cars with Tio Auggie if sadness hit him and he needed someone who understood the feeling of being different, used to help Abuela Madelyn move heavy pots in her flower shop when he needed to believe there was still beautiful things left in the world, and spar with his Papa at butterfly land when he wanted to laugh hard enough that it became okay to cry.
But this feeling? This flustered, wanting to grab the celestial by his waist and kiss him until he was breathless feeling was new. Unfamiliar.
A 'what the fuck do I do' kinda thing.
Sure, sometimes people flirt with the musician but never like that and never when he wanted them to. And fuck! They never teased him either! No one sees a 6'5 guy and is like, y'know what? I'm gonna frustrate that person.
But no. His celestial just had to do what he did.
Jazz pushed out a breath and did a series of push ups, spine straight and the muscles in his lower back, hips, and biceps tensing and flexing as he works out.
Don't think about his freckles.
Ten push ups, hold a plank for fifty seconds.
Don't think about his ethereal green song.
Two minute side plank.
Don't think about his soft-looking lips or how warm he felt.
Twenty more push ups.
Don't think about how he'd feel against your--
"Hypothetically speaking," Vivianna's voice, thank god for the distraction, broke through his thoughts and interrupted them with her usual bullshit-- her having caught up with them at the little park half-way from their dorm and the café. "If heaven exists and I make it there, won't I be able to do everything I wanted as a gift?"
Cas laughs, the viridian and sunflowers make their way over to the musician and it isn't fair how beautiful he looks in that moment.
Don't think about it.
Don't think about it.
You don't even deserve to assume he'd ever want the same thing.
Fifteen rapid push ups, five second break, five more, plank for twenty seconds, repeat.
"So, again, hypothetically speaking, will I be allowed to fuck God?" Cas is the one who continues with Viv's question, making Jazz choke at the absolutely wild visualization that made him have. "I feel like he's a bottom."
God's not the only one, then, Jazz thought with a slight grumble.
"That thought right there," The musician says, still way too red from desire and from the workout, feeling the slight salt of sweat stick to his skin, his curls not too far from getting in the way of his vision. "Is exactly why you won't be making it there."
"Fine," Cas says, a seafoam smugness clinging to the notes of his song, making it a little bouncy. "God will just have to dick me down in hell."
What an ethereal, holy green for such a dirty sentence.
"I like your voice and the fact you're talking, Amazing Roommate," The weirdo tells Cas, and Jazz fully agreed because he likes his voice and all the greens and that the celestial felt comfortable enough to talk to his best friend. "But it's weirding me out."
The fuck? Jazz makes a face at her, almost missing the way Cas' beautiful grin went away-- aw, come back-- and a neutral look replaced it with a raised eyebrow.
"You're short compared to the dudes around me." She explains with a shrug. And like, seeing as his Tio Auggie is only an inch shorter than him at 6'4 and her brothers are almost as tall and all their other Tios and his Papa is even taller than him, it's no new news.
"You're obviously gay and kinda um..." She wrinkles her nose, obviously trying to find the right words, not trying to offend her best friend's butterfly. Though Jazz would still argue against that. "Not weak but you know, a teeny tiny, eensy weenie twink machine!"
Cas scoffs at something as Jazz glances up from his plank as Viv reels back, "No touchie touchie, okay, then. Anyway, please, inform me how you manage to look like an edgy twink and still be a deep-voice hot top at the same time."
"Be tired?" The celestial shrugged back at her, his viridian going to rose leaves and a confusion of basil. "Be gay."
"And how do you get your hair to do the attractive floof thing?" Viv kinda does a jazz hand thing where she does a wave above her head with one head and ruffled her own hair with the other.
Ugh. Stupid floof thing.
It wasn't something that Tio Auggie started, since his hair was so fluffy, where any of the D'Silvettas at any given moment (since all the Reds had the classic Italian curly hair) would mess up their hair just to make it get ten times the amount of previous 'floof'.
Which Jazz, personally, didn't appreciate. His hair was cut a little shorter at the sides but was long, going almost in his eyes, in the middle and since it was curly and thick it took forever to brush through and style but with one bitchass move, Viv completely messed it up.
"Uh..." Cas says. "You'll notice that one of my special skills is ending conversations so..."
Jazz's best friend laughs and he realizes he had been glaring at her so, not wanting to be rude, he quickly stops and looks back at the celestial, who looked content but also not quite know how to continue the conversation.
Doing the polite thing to stop his crush-- because after this morning fuck yes it was a crush-- from getting too bothered by the weirdo, the musician starts one himself, "I know you still wanted to go to the café afterwards, guys, but I probably look all gross now. Are you still okay with going with me? I could always just give you my card Viv and wait outside for you guys."
The offer made the weirdo snicker and made, for whatever reason, Cas' jaw drop.
"Jasper?" Cas says, voice slightly deeper than usual and the musician almost finches as he sees the upset fern green and the protective pine that made the previous sunflowers to wilt. He was... annoyed? Upset? At him?
"Um," Jazz said, expecting maybe a lecture and at worst an insult. "Yeah?"
"Fuck off," He growls, standing. "And come on."
The musician, slowly as to not startle his roommate-- he still thinks that he might scare Cas sometimes. He's... an admittedly big dude. He has a whole back of tattoos, just the lone art buzzed in for his right sleeve, and he's not only broad but obviously strong, his scars from clumsiness and being bullied don't help. A lot of people are wary of him, a lot of people see him and avoid him. He has friends, but he makes sure to not wear his piercings around them for the first couple months and wear baggy clothes to not show off anything to make himself look extra intimidating.
He didn't like feeling scary.
He just... he wanted to connect with people, which hurt him a lot because very few people saw the real him and wanted to continue the friendship.
He chased people away.
He didn't want to do that with Cas.
So he still wore baggy clothes around him, runs were the only exception. He still tried to make himself smaller, still avoided wearing his piercing and leather and anything that made him the big, scary man others took him for.
But he wasn't scary! He was a marshmallow and knew it, too!
Quickly following the celestial, Jazz glanced back to make sure the weirdo was following them and, sure enough, Viv, now on her phone and probably texting Ahmik (her most likely future bae, the D'Silvettas versions of butterflies), absently stands up too to follow them.
Startling Jazz slightly, Cas pulls him into his side, arm wrapped around his as he speaks, only getting interrupted with a squeak once, "You need to learn to get out of your head so much, big guy."
Big guy?
The celestial did notice how... intimidating he was.
"What do you mean?" Jazz asks, voice small-- feeling small, too.
Viv must notice, because she quickly hops over and wraps her arm around his on the other arm, giving him a reassuring squeeze before texting again on her phone.
"You always shrink in on yourself like you're gonna get verbally a--" Cas tics, his forehead hitting into the musician's bicep, cursing before just continuing. "You do it like you're waiting for bad news and- -mother ducklings- -it's kinda...upsetting."
He's been told that all his life-- by friends who weren't real friends, by bullies, by people he thought he could trust. Thought that they liked him.
You're upsetting, they'd tell him.
You're too much to be around. You're too much too love. Too annoying to like. Too weird to defend. Too much of a freak to be of use.
Too much, but never enough.
Jazz just... Jazz just didn't think that Cas thought that way too.
"Not to be around, to experience." The celestial says, and his viridian and rose leaves don't lie but the musician also knows that just because he wasn't too much right now, didn't mean he wouldn't ever be. Didn't mean he wasn't a bother. "I mean, you're tall but you're as scary as a mango smoothie to the face. Also, you don't look bad."
Um... did he forget to put in his contacts this morning? Is Jazz's first thought as he pouts, hand raising to his jaw, thumb tracing the faint scar over his jaw. He did look bad. Sweaty, shirtless and showing off very much unwanted features.
There's so many sounds that surround Jazz that, for a second, he loses his place. There's an orchid bloom in Viv's song followed by the squeal and her bright and protective colors are getting swept away, moving towards something that's wheels squeak in an orange so deep he can't even see the sign off.
Going to walk forward, trusting Cas not to let him run into anything and also so stuck in his head, in his anxiety, that he wouldn't mind even if he did, Jazz is forced to quickly stop as the rose leaves and basil and sea green swarm him, gray eyes just getting into his view.
Oh.
The celestial wanted him to stop walking.
"Jasper?" Cas rocks on his heels, leaning closer in a way that makes his breath hitch.
Undivided, Jazz gives him his full attention.
"Yeah?" No one else calls him by his name-- no one else says it like that, either. The r slightly rolls, a soft s and sounding so smooth. Jazz... likes it.
"Why do you think you need to act like you're not intimidating?" Cas tenses fully but the twitch in his eye gives away that it's a tic, and pauses. "Take over the world before someone decides to take it over for you."
Yeah.
Jazz doesn't know how to fucking respond to that.
His thoughts go so fast and so chaotically, everything blending together with so much information and colors and songs to take in that it's overwhelming. He doesn't know how to process that, process the question without giving away how scared he is of scaring Cas.
But, luckily, he doesn't have to reply as Viv shoves both his and the celestial's drink into his hands and they move towards their usual table outside of the cafe with only a calm conversation between the two best friends.
Jazz and Viv take the seats side by side, Cas in his usual one, and the other two not even complaining about being that close even if they're a little squished. They've spent hour long car rides side by side, personal space means nothing at this point for them.
Besides, being across from the celestial meant that the musician can steal glances at him all the more.
"Hey, Awesome Roommate," Viv says. "Do ya' know what's poppin'?"
"Uh..."
"That's right, you know," She finger guns towards Cas and Jazz can't even bring himself to care how odd she's being because, underneath all that, is an even weirder human that could very well frighten him away. "But--" she emphasizes the word "--Why do you only call Jazz Jasper?"
Good question, good question.
Maybe Jazz would've asked it himself if, by chance, he wasn't so fucking anxiety-filled at the moment. Or in general.
"Oh," Cas frowns, then growls, the basil of confusion sprouting against his otherwise sunflower and seafoam song, the soft notes going kind of awkward in a way that had Jazz tense; and also because how? "I mean, I know his full name. He mumbles to himself in our dorm all the time. Swearing--" He squeaks. "-- mostly. It's Jasper-Alaric, right? That's a mouthful."
"Oh my god," Jazz groans, dropping his face into his hands as a shameful blush overtakes his cheeks-- even as he thinks, I would like a mouthful of you, though. "I'm so sorry. I didn't know I did that! You probably think I'm such a freak."
The celestial opens his mouth to say something, frowning, but Viv overtakes the conversation again.
"Now, J," She says. "What's his name?" She points to the celestial.
"I-It's Cas?" He said, voice a little too shaky and soft, eyes wide and oh so hoping he hasn't been getting his name wrong this entire fucking time.
God, what if he was calling him by the wrong name and he was just too nice to say something? What if he thought that Jazz was teasing him? What if he got annoyed by that? Does he get annoyed by him? Fuck, probably. Oh no, did the celestial hate him? Was he angry? Is the not knowing his name going to be a roommate deal-breaker?
No, no, he can't lose Cas!
If it's actually Cas!
"It's part of my name" The celestial says, head jerking to the side. "But not not all of my first one."
Did he hurt his feelings by not knowing?
He didn't want to hurt his celestial.
Jazz honestly felt like he was going to cry.
"Don't worry about it," Cas says, followed by a cute squeak. "Nobody calls by my full one. Just Cas."
"Just Cas," Viv catches onto something Jazz doesn't-- he's probably gonna cry later about how stupid anxiety makes him, too. "And...?"
And? The musician blinks. There's an and?
"Cassie," The celestial raises an eyebrow at her. "I'm called Cassie too."
Cassie, Jazz mouths, just whispering, liking how it feels over his tongue and the odd but pleasant texture the nickname tastes like. Then he meets the celestial's gray eyes, the green of sunflowers and molten ferns doing a little giddy spin over his head, song a little warmer than before-- and fuck him because it just makes Cas all the more handsome.
So the musician looks away, knowing he already got caught staring but is a bit too shy to continue looking even after the celestial made it obvious he didn't care.
"Cassie? Oh-mah-gawd!" Viv, hands raising towards Cas but he stops her with a warning glare and pushing away her wrist-- her instantly respecting the boundary and holds her bestie's arm instead, Jazz just a bit too slow at the moment to register movement and what it entails. "Can I please call you that? That is so cute and god, just, wow man, what a catch."
"Right, a catch." Cas snorts. "Is there any pomegranate in this?" Cas asks, his greens all too smug, curious, but also slightly not concerned but... what is that?
It's like... it's like he knows something's a bad idea but is planning to do it anyway. It's Viv's bright blue when she pisses old white dudes off, just in a chartreuse and ethereal green.
"Just asking."
That is a way too innocent 'just asking' for him to really be just asking.
But Jazz isn't supposed to know that. He's not supposed to be how he is. Not supposed to see things as weird as sound or emotions or taste words. He's not supposed to exist in a place like this with a celestial like that.
What if he brings it up and Cas gets bothered?
What if it gets too weird?
He doesn't even know that Jazz can do all that, doesn't know about synesthesia. What if he thinks, like everyone else back at his high school and little town, that he's a freak?
What if he doesn't want to be friends anymore?
"Yeah!" Viv chirps, going onto a rant but Jazz can't register any of it. "I hope you like it, it's my favorite flavor and--"
Everything's too loud.
Too bright.
Vivianna's song is loud and excitable and the colors of her voice are smooth but suffocating, suddenly clinging to his skin and pushing his senses further away from them all. He can hear her talk, he can hear and see Cas' viridian and ethereal green but it's not enough to bring him back into awareness.
Stop it, he begs.
Stop being like this.
It's all in your head.
You can't actually get hurt. You're fine.
Just stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop!
Why can't you stop?
Green. Focus on the green. Green is safe. Green is safe.
Sunflowers, Jazz breathed in, focusing back into reality. Rose leaves. Pine and viridian. Chartreuse and ferns. Basil. Sage and seafoam and moss. Cyan and olive.
"When do you plan on going back to the dorm?" Cas asks, oblivious to the panic attack his roommate is having. But how could he know?
Jazz is just sitting there. Just staring, not letting anyone get annoyed with his problems. Just existing, nothing more.
"Whenever you want." He smiles at the celestial, noting an odd green among the fern leaves. He made the bad decision. What did he miss? Did he do something wrong?
"Oh good," Cas laughs, holding up his cup with a shit-eating smile. "Cause I'm hella allergic to this and I should probably find my EpiPen."
"Cas!" Jazz forgets his panic, forgets how he shouldn't use his strength like this, and has no hesitation in picking the stupid celestial right out of his seat, hands wrapping around his waist. Then, despite the other man's attempts at freedom, the musician throws him over his shoulder. "What the hell?"
"I think it's worth it, if he survives," Viv says. "These smoothies are really good."
"I second that."
Jazz isn't quite sure the noise he makes but it's definitely demonic and it makes Cas shift over his shoulder again. "Why would you put yourself in danger like this?"
Idiot. He's an idiot.
Nothing else. Not even cute at the moment. Just a fucking idiot who put his own life in danger for a smoothie. A smoothie!
"I can walk!" Cas grumbles, sounding a bit odd.
"No," The musician argues, his pace a bit frantic but he was holding his roommate in place so it's not like the little shit would get hurt. "You can't!"
"Yes the fuck I can!"
"No you can't," He lost that privilege. No walking. "Because you can't make good decisions, apparently."
"I can make decisions just fine." The celestial hugs him around his waist for probably extra support but it's still a hug but Jazz can't even fucking enjoy it with how worried and angry he is. "We have an hour before I potentially die, and a bit before I throw up."
Oh, wow.
An hour before it becomes lethal.
Because that makes it so much fucking better.
Next time, Viv is so not going to pick out the drinks for everyone.