Plot: Regrets only come now that you're gone...
Words: 3,4k
I'm in my feels these days, I feel like writing angst,
So here's an angsty smut for those who like that style!
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"Are you sure that's really what you want?" I do my best to look detached from the situation but my heart is breaking into million pieces inside,
"I already accepted the job. Don't worry I talked to Eli, you know he's clever enough to understand those things, he's 6 already" the discussion is calm.
On this spring night, Xiaojun and me are sitting around my small dining table, a cup of coffee for him, and a glass of wine for me,
"It's a big opportunity for my career, I can't miss that" my throat is knotted, words come out my mouth painfully,
"Of course Xiaojun, I know that. I'm just worried for our son, I just hope that he'll be able to adapt without you" my hands wrap around my glass and create condensation because of how much I sweat.
I'm nervous, and it's totally understandable,
"It's a big decision I took, but I trust you with the education of our son. You always do it alone even when I'm in town" a broken smile shows on my face.
Because of his hectic schedule, Xiaojun is never able to spend time with Eli, but I can't blame him for that,
"It's true that I do the most for him, but I guarantee you you're Eli's icon. Last time he said that he wants to be just like you in the future" I see him smile at this.
The simple mention of our son's name can make him feel happy, even in a shitty day,
"I know I'm not the best father, but I'll do my best to make him proud. You know I won't be able to come back, but he can still come visit me in Italy" he tries to lighten the mood, finding solutions for our son.
'You know I won't be able to come back' this sentence alone is killing me.
I can't even look him in the eyes or I'm scared to break down in tears,
"At least that'll make him travel" I look at his travel bag, at his feet, and I can't help but think about his other luggages, waiting for him in his car.
Tonight, my ex husband is about to leave Korea to pursue his dream, our dream in Italy.
The decision was quite sudden, the employer didn't give him a lot of time to think.
It all happened in two weeks, I had to get used to the idea that the father of my son is going to leave me alone.
It's only tonight that I realize though.
Tears brim my eyes and I see him getting a little concerned, I exhale a lot, trying to laugh it out,
"Don't worry, it's just weird for me. I'm nostalgic you know" Xiaojun takes my hand and holds it tightly in his, while my other hand wipes my tears.
I force a smile on my face to not appear vulnerable,
"Even in this kind of situation you want to appear strong" he too, laughs it off but I know it's a real issue he's talking about,
"I'm sorry, I think I have a lot of things to say, but they just don't come out now" he looks worriedly at me,
"What if you stopped talking on behalf on our son and admit what you really feel about my departure" I look away, taking a big sip of the wine while my sweaty, shaking hand is still in his,
"It's so sudden for me. It's only now that you have to leave that I realize you really won't be in my life anymore" I know time is running so I tell the first thing that comes through my mind,
"Don't think that it's easy for me, but in a way, I see this as an opportunity to move on. We got a divorce not even 5 months ago, and we still see each other every week. It's an opportunity for us to move on" I'm not really convinced in what he says, even if I know he's always right.
Bad things happened to us and it slowly deteriorated our marriage,
"I guess we can't count on each other anymore now" we met when we were 15.
We are now 25, and, since I met him, I never imagined what my life would be without him,
"I have something to give you, before you leave" once again, I wipe my tear and detach my hand from his.
I go to my bedroom, and he follows suit.
I open a folder with pictures of our wedding,
"You never showed me all the pictures" he takes a look at some pictures out of hundreds,
"Because some of them are not interesting. There is one that I love, that I found few weeks after our divorce" I take out the precious picture.
I thought I had watched them all, but this specific one was in another folder, lost into tons of papers.
It's a spontaneous picture of us, with one year old Eli in our arm, we look so happy on this picture,
"If you want it, you can have it. I made a copy already" he takes it into his hand, examining the picture before turning around.
I know he's tearing up right now, and I don't know what to do. I want to comfort him.
I hug his back, in a comforting manner and he cries even more,
"You've always been better than me at showing your emotions, and I'm grateful for this ability you have" it breaks my heart seeing him cry, but at the same time, it proves me how much he loved me,
"Thank you for this picture" I put it back into the envelope, putting it on my dresser, next to the door of my bedroom so he doesn't forget it.
He turns around and hug me, tightly, and once again, I truly realize that it might be the last time I hug him like that,
"I've made you suffer" I say, my head buried in his chest, my tears wetting his light blue T-shirt,
"I'm still sorry for your hand" we used to chase the same dream.
We were both pianists, practicing day and night to be concert performers, that's why we met, that's the passion we had in common,
"It was never your fault" one day, we were coming home from a little party at a friend of us.
We were already dating, and Xiaojun drank a little bit.
On the ride back home, he wasn't focused on the road and we made a big accident.
We had injuries, but one thing they couldn't truly repair was my hand, the nerves had been cut off, the fingers couldn't move well.
At the moment the doctor announced me this news, I knew it was the end of my pianist career.
Thinking about the beginning of our story together, it makes me cry more.
Everything was supposed to go well, but everyone old enough can say that the plans you have for your life are far from what will really happen.
Two years ago, I was pregnant, with a second child, Andie, but unfortunately, he died, 30 minutes after his birth.
We didn't have enough time to hold him in our arms, we weren't prepared for that.
After that accident, it was never the same between us. We didn't help each other, instead, we locked ourselves up, separately.
If I knew it would end like that, maybe I wouldn't have spare a glance his way,
"Look at me" still hugging each other, I remove my head from his chest, looking up at him with my red, puffy eyes,
"Remember this cliché sentence we used to laugh about?" I try to remember but I can't think straight right now,
"Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened" I laugh at this sentence, we used to make fun of that for no reason, but it goes well with our situation right now,
"There's so many things I wish I could tell you right now, you have no idea" he's got his hand wrapped around my nape, caressing my hair softly,
"Then tell me at least one thing" he says, looking at me with his beautiful, deep eyes I love.
It's so hard for me, and he knows that, but it's not the right time for me to mess up.
I put my hands flat against his chest, feeling his heartbeat against my palm,
"The most important thing," I look away quickly, before finding the courage to look at him again, "I love you, so much," his eyes tear up again, I know he thinks the same, after all this time, I know him too well, "but I think we reached the limit" he nods, closing his eyes,
"That's why it's a good thing to leave. I love you with my whole heart too, but in our case, love is not enough to keep going" I look down, realizing the cold truth of our destiny.
We tried, again and again, but at some point, after going through too much, we couldn't look at each other again.
The loss we had was really devastating and we couldn't overcome it together, so we both asked the divorce.
We couldn't be happy anymore.
We still love each other, but we're not meant to be together.
He wipes a tear falling down my cheek,
"You're the most beautiful woman I ever met" his hand stays on my cheek, and I seek comfort from his touch.
We look at each other, speaking with our eyes, but I break the eye contact to look at his lips.
If it's the last time, I want to end things properly, so I stand on the tip of my toes, reaching for his lips with my own.
His hands slide from my nape to my lower back, slowly, the kiss feels like home, after months of being deprived of his touch.
The only touch I knew in my whole life, the one that feels so natural.
I feel his hair, his back, his chest, his arms with my hands, as I finally have the courage to remove his shirt.
He lifts me up to carry me and we continue kissing as he puts my back against the wall.
After receiving kisses on the neck and behind the ear, he moves me to the bed, where we remove our clothes, still taking our time.
It's as if we asked time to stop only for us, at this moment, nothing else matters more than him and I,
"I'll miss your touch" I say into his ear,
"I'll miss kissing you" he replies, against my neck, while he plants kisses on the skin, progressively going lower until he kisses my breasts.
My hands roam around his body, trying to capture every detail, every scar, every beauty mark to make them mine forever.
I want to remember him in every possible way, and I was so used to see him naked before that I sometimes forgot to appreciate his beauty.
Tonight, I'll remember everything,
"Are you ready?" I look at him and nod, biting my lower lip subtly from the stress.
I used to be nervous about our first time, tonight I'm nervous about our last time.
That nervousness soon melts away as pleasure take over me, I hold onto his muscular back for support, while he buries his head in the crook of my neck.
His breath tingles me a bit but it's the least of my worries right now.
We grew so much together.
We discovered our sexuality together, he's the one who made me in short.
He always knows how to make love to me perfectly, slowly in a sensual way, but still hard, hitting all the right places.
He always makes sure that I'm the one who comes first, we know each other's body so well.
What am I going to do without him?
Negative, intrusive thoughts disturb me, but are quickly replaced by Xiaojun rubbing on my clitoris, or kissing on my sensitive spots,
"You're the best!" And I know for sure he is, at least for me.
I have no comparison, as Xiaojun is the only man I ever slept with, but he's so good that he must be the best.
I moan loudly, but he kisses me on the lips to muffle my sounds, reminding me that our baby is sleeping in a room nearby,
"Your body feels better every time I'm into you" I feel the same way about him, he gets better every time we do it.
I wish he wasn't that good though, because I'm reaching my orgasm already, as he rubs quickly on my bud of nerves,
"You fuck me so good!" My eyes roll to the back of my head as is my mouth is agape.
My body feels the release I didn't have for months and I'm totally relaxed now, as the orgasm hit me so hard,
"You're so tight now!" He continues in this position, just taking one of my leg to put it against his chest.
I can feel it too, the tightness around his cock, and he goes fast, before eventually finish himself off on my stomach, as I'm not on the pill anymore.
My mind is still clouded with pleasure, and he goes to take a towel, cleaning the mess he just did on my skin.
We kiss again, laying in my bed, before realization hits him.
He looks for his phone, checking the time and realizing he has to leave soon,
"I wish I could stay the night, but I'm afraid it will be even harder to leave if I do so" I totally agree with him, even if I'd like him to stay all his life by my side.
I put on a silky robe, watching him getting dressed up again.
I'm sat on the bed, and he comes to kiss me on my forehead, taking my hand to help me stand up,
"You should remove your wedding ring" He whispers in my ear, after feeling the metallic object on my fingers,
"I know" I say, lowly, my voice really fragile.
He makes me look at him, and he removes his ring, putting it back in its box that I kept on one of my shelves.
Just like that, he removed it, it's like we've never been married,
"Take your time" He caresses my hair.
He leads me to Eli's room, careful not to wake him up, we put on a dim light and he sits down on his bed to caress his cheek,
"He looks so much like you" I say, looking at the two of them,
"See you soon my baby" he whispers, before pecking him on his forehead too.
The moment that I try to escape finally comes, it's time to say goodbye.
I accompany him to the front door after he took all of his stuff,
"Life happens you know, and one day you'll think about us without crying anymore. I want you to remember me as your unforgettable first love, because that's what you are to me" he really knows how to talk to make the scene look less sad, but unfortunately it doesn't work.
But for now, I'll keep my tears inside,
"Don't worry, I could never forget about you," I force a smile, "do your best over there, please make us proud" he nods, taking his bag that is next to him on the floor.
I open the door, and before he can step out, I kiss him again, shorter than earlier,
"Take care" he says, going to his car, parked in front of my house.
I stay at the door, waiting for his car to be out of sight to confront the reality.
I look back at the house that used to be ours, it seems really empty tonight.
-
It's been one week since Xiaojun left.
I'm still staying at home, not yet ready to go out and see other people.
Tonight, it's only me and my glass of wine.
Eli is at my mother's tonight, I need some time alone.
I regret not saying everything I had on my heart while he was still in front of me.
I remember a box, from our teenage year where I kept a lot of our souvenir together.
The last time I put something in it was maybe 5 years ago.
After finding it with great difficulty, I gather the courage to open it.
Chopin's Ballade numero 1 partition, his favorite, my favorite.
I remember stealing this partition from him, I was planning on giving it back but he never claimed it.
There's lot of things I forgot about, then there's this pen, from the hotel where we spent our honeymoon.
Memories come back and a wave of nostalgia hits me.
I take the pen, and start to write behind Chopin's partition.
Before closing the box, I finally remove my ring, and take his to put them in this box.
This is where it belongs, in the souvenirs,
I'm going to pour my whole heart into this letter, it's not the same as if I was with him, but through my words, he'll be able to see my emotions, I know that.
I look for his new address that he gave me and write it on the envelope.
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I don't know where to start,
There's so much I need to tell you, but I need to start somewhere,
You made me happy for many years of my life. For the two years we were best friends, the three years we were dating, and the four years I was proud to call you my husband.
You gifted me a wonderful son 6 years ago, and, to this day, it's still the most beautiful day of my life, and I'm glad I made this memory with you.
We had lots of fights. You may not know that, but I used to be so angry, when you got to be the soloist in the concert in Japan, we were 18. I was really proud of you, but also very jealous to the point where I didn't know if I would come to the concert.
When we were 19, you got the scholarship and I had to stop playing the piano.
Today, you are in Europe, pursuing your dream, and my dream too.
You used to tell me, everything happens for a reason, and if anything happens, it was meant to be.
Since we lost our second baby I never heard you pronounce that sentence again.
I still wonder why death chose Andie just after I gave birth to him.
Was this bound to happen?
We will never get an answer for that.
I was in such pain that I blamed you for everything, even the divorce.
I should have understand earlier that you too, were in pain.
Like you did, I should have fight for our couple, but instead, I gave up, way too early.
I never apologized for that because my ego is too big and I was too proud to admit our divorce was not only your fault.
I took for granted the fact that you were still there, that, even if we didn't talk a lot, you were there to help me if I ever needed.
It's only, now, a week after you left that I realize the big mistake I made.
We made the promise that only death could separate us.
I'm sorry that I broke the promise too early.
I'm sorry that I was too selfish when we lost our baby.
I'm sorry that you went through pain alone.
I'm sorry that I stopped making you happy.
I'm sorry that our love story ended that way.
I'm sorry that I didn't say sorry earlier.
I hope you find someone better for you, I really hope the best for you, because I always thought that your happiness mattered more than mine.
Once you'll be happy, I promise to move on, now that you're gone.
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Hope you liked this one, I don't know what happened to me but I cried writing that.
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Love, Daisy🖤