Laurie and Michael Bennett. Hidden by the likes of a disguise that no one had been able to uncover but my husband who'd been sound asleep beside me. He offered to stay with me tonight—probably fearing the reintroduction to my supposed dead parents who weren't really my parents would cause me discomfort throughout the night. That he was right about. I tossed and turned, until adhering to the uneasiness keeping me wide awake. How could they be back? Why were they back and why the hell did I give a rats ass about it when all they brought me was hurt, deception and confusion?
My entire life became a lie the moment they took me from my parents and still my thoughts revolved around them and their identity swap. Attempting to rid themselves of the last of me in a fake fatal accident wasn't enough. No. They had to resurface with a new name and makeover as a way of concluding any involvement to me or the tragedy that happened to be my life that they left behind. Of course sleep would be far from me. Throughout the night, my mind stayed on them, my infidelity, Justin's vasectomy, Balzac's, whatever Justin and Jacob talked about in that bathroom, my pregnancy, and how I was going to tell my mother and law. It wasn't until light beamed through the window and the sounding alarm attempting to wake Justin up did I realize an entire night had seamlessly slipped me by. And still, my mind never rested.
"Good Morning," he said, planting a firm kiss on my cheek before returning to his side of the bed. Even though we were no longer arguing, a pestilent level of distrust persisted. "I hope those bags under your eyes are due to the abundance of sleep you got last night and not because you didn't." But Justin already knew there was no need for me to lie. "Babe, C'mon. You're pregnant. You can't allow stress to take you over. Maybe I should cancel the appointment today so you can catch on some much needed rest."
Something about the way Justin had been oddly pleasant with me this morning felt indigestible. Especially because he knew today would be the day we found out the truth about the paternity and the day I cut ties with Balzac's—more specifically, Jacob.
"No, no. We should go. I can't go on not knowing the truth. And you're right. I'll do better tonight," I smile. It was the only thing keeping me from drowning in the tears that managed to stay locked away during my restlessness. "I'll be fine. Let's just get ready for the appointment and then we'll decide the next move after." Because who knew what we'd be after that appointment?
It wasn't that I didn't believe Justin about his desire of forgiveness because I did or at least I wanted to. But how could he if this baby happened to be Jacob's? How would he be able to look at me when I could barely look at myself? Until then, he and I felt worlds apart. Today may well be the day I lose my marriage and the man I considered my best friend.
If this baby was Jacob's, I didn't want to accept the possibility that Justin might convince me into abortion. And maybe that wasn't a fair assessment of Justin or his character—but it's all I imagined could save us. What would be left to lose if it hadn't? My sanity had already been fading to black. There would be nothing left of us. Of me.
The drive to the doctors office was nothing short of silent. Tension had become a common occurrence between Justin and I even though we agreed to let the past be just that. Truthfully, we were still struggling to come to terms with it all. A week had already managed to slip by and since then, any conversation of substance we had ended in one of us having hurt feelings.
It was Justin's vasectomy reversal surgery scheduled in a week that caused the tension to reached its peak. One, because I couldn't for the life of me be as forgiving as he had been and I hated how guilty my inability to forgive Justin made me feel. Yes, I was the one who broke our vows and my commitment to him, but in a way, so did he. Having a surgery that prevented us from conceiving in the midst of my desperation to bare a child was not honoring me in any way.
Keeping that secret from and taunting me with it once I announced the baby without even taking in account that our sex life could very well be the cause. It was like a trap he planted and he couldn't wait to catch me in it. He lied. Made me feel as if I were less than a woman because I couldn't provide my husband with a child or the family I thought was mutually agreed upon and for what? Laughs? Humiliation at my expense? No matter how much I tried to shake it, the fact that he had done something so severe as a means to a bet didn't sit well with me and I didn't know if it ever would.
"So," Justin choked out. Maybe silence would've done us both well, but we'd been doing too much of that lately. "What's going to happen if Jacob is the baby's father? With my career on the rise, the surgery coming up, and your business deal with Balzac's, word of mouth is all it'll take for the scandal to hit the tabloids. I know this is something you might not want to discuss, but there has to be a plan. The paparazzi are smart enough to link my vasectomy and your working with Jacob into a story to explain your pregnancy. They'll know you cheated. The backlash could be irreversible. We might even need to hire you an image consultant."
Was he expecting an entire itinerary? In what world did it look like I could come up with a plan when I could barely compose a solid thought minute to minute? Not only that, but somehow through his entire explanation, it felt as if I was the one baring the blame. Admittedly, yes, I'd been dumb enough to cheat on my husband, but couldn't he have even the slither of faith in the fact that this baby could be his child, or the fact the he'd done something equally deceptive? Or maybe he didn't care. But still, all I hoped to know was that Justin was the father. At least if he was, we could fight on the rest of the obstacles side by side.
"As much as I hate saying this," he chimes in again. "Balzac's might actually be the way to go. The image consultant could highlight the fact that you're helping a struggling local business back to its feet. It might actually be a good way to divert attention," Justin adds.
"We'll plan accordingly, I suppose," is all I could manage. Of course a scandal would arise. It has before. And I knew Justin would immediately want a divorce if it were Jacob's. I could only imagine how his reputation would tarnish if the world found out I'd slept with my business partner. Anyone in their right mind would book the first flight as far from me and my destructive tendencies as soon as possible.
"I need more than that. You need to have a say in this because the focus we'll probably be on you with the public. I mean I'd have to tell Scooter and my mother before the paps get ahold of the story. God only knows who else just to minimize the damage."
Damage. Ouch.
"Then we'd do whatever you think is right, Justin. You're not obligated nor will I force you to raise a child that doesn't belong to you. Seeing as you apparently didn't want a family with me to begin with. I wouldn't want me or this baby causing any more damage for you so I'd have my things mailed from L.A. and the baby and I would move in with my parents. Assuming we'd be divorced," I shrug as the car comes to a red light. "We could tell the public we grew apart. I bet they'd love the headlines that me and all the baggage was too much for you anyways."
Pissed? Try Livid. Perhaps the lack of sleep had finally been getting to my head. All I wanted was support but maybe it was too much to ask for. I couldn't even imagine what might've been churning in his head. As much as I didn't want to hear about it, it was relevant. We did need a plan. I just hoped we'd be planning which color to paint the nursery and not how we'd handle our image and a marriage with a child that may've belonged to someone else.
"And it would just be that easy for you? To up and leave as if you and I hadn't already begun building a life together?"
"I never said it would be easy. Losing you wouldn't at all be easy." I say, fighting the pain creeping up my throat. "But I can't sit here and pretend that divorce hadn't crossed my mind. I completely understand if that's what you want to do. I broke your trust and my vows to you. You have every right to want to leave me."
Justin didn't say anything in response. Most likely due to the fact that we'd just pulled up to the doctors office, but he gave me a nod before driving the car into the parking garage. He and I headed inside through a side door then towards the receptionist to check in. She fawned over Justin, even gave her condolences for the loss of my baby before informing us that we'd be able see the doctor immediately then directed us to a private waiting room.
The room was empty apart from us, but through the glass mirror, there we're two other couples and a single mother with a belly ready to explode sitting patiently for their turn in a different room. Fame had some perks though sometimes I hated the advantage it gave us in certain situations. I couldn't help but wonder if my pregnancy life mirrored the women behind the sheet of glass. The loss of a child, problems conceiving, a plummeting marriage? I guess fame made my problems more important than their's, even if they weren't.
The receptionist returned shortly after to lead us to an empty room. Dr. Caplin entered the room seconds later, smiling her usual full tooth grin and bidding hello. Nervousness nearly ate away every shred of composure left within me. The anticipation was crippling to say the least.
"Good Morning, Mr. and Mrs. Bieber. It's good to see you both again, and with good news I hear. Congratulations," she enthuses, then instructs me into the bathroom to urinate in a cup.
Once alone, I could finally catch my breath. This stress would overtake me if I continued at the rate I was at now.
"Whatever the results," I whispered, placing a soft hand on my belly. "I will love you no matter what."
After I finished supplying the sample, I whispered a soft prayer under my breath then joined Justin and Dr. Caplin in the room together. Dr. Caplin also took a sample of blood from Justin then disappeared out of the room, leaving Justin and I to our own devices.
"I'm scared, Brooke," Justin says, latching a secure grip around my hand. His demeanor felt a lot calmer than our car ride here. "I don't want to lose this, or us. In the past I can admit being a father terrified me. I never really had a male role model to encourage me until Scooter and it made me believe I wouldn't be any good at it, but now... picturing Jacob as the father of this baby is becoming all too real. I hate myself everyday for the decision I made behind your back." He uses his free hand to wipe away the pool of tears gathering in his eyes before they could spill. "I love you."
"I love you too, Justin."
As we wait for Dr. Caplin to bring the news, we sit in silence—hands locked together anticipating the paternity results. I couldn't help but feel disgusted with myself and sorry for Justin. Not only had I cheated on him, but I put him back in a similar position. It felt as if just yesterday he found that pregnancy test in my suitcase when I found out I was pregnant with Aria. Only difference between now and then was his reaction and maybe that was due to me. I'd already inflicted that type of pain on him so perhaps he was immune to it.
Standing side by side—hand in hand with me as if I hadn't single handedly destroyed our marriage. It was then that I realized I had to do whatever it took to keep it. Justin and I both had our faults. We'd both in one form or another damaged the commitment we made to each other and if there were any hope at repairing that, it needed to happen immediately.
As I part my lips to speak, the door squeaks open and in walks the doctor. She pulls the swivel chair from under the table and rolls it before us then sits.
"Well," she smiles, joining her hands together in a single clap, "All the results came back even better than we could've hoped they would."
Somewhere in between Dr. Caplin mentioning the results of Justin's blood test and the date of my last menstrual cycle, the main thing that stuck out to me was her mentioning I'd just entered into the six week mark. I was a month and two weeks pregnant. Justin was the father of this baby. Which meant that we conceived before my infidelity and Justin's vasectomy. The night before he left to finish out the remainder of his tour. Instantly the air felt thinner, like the center block weight crushing my chest that I entered into the room with had finally lifted. We were gonna be a family.
We hung back a while longer as Dr. Caplin set me up with an appointment to the OB/GYN in two weeks and we were on our way. Relief never tasted so good.
"I guess there's no need to hire that image consultant," I huff, aware of just how petty I sounded. "Or fabricate that elaborate story insinuating I was the destroyer of our marriage." I should've been happy right now. Why was I so angry instead?
"That's not what I was trying to do. I just didn't want the media to make you out to be some kind of monster. I wasn't trying to make you feel like it was your fault, Brooke. I would think you would've caught that," he says, briefly looking at me before eyeing the road again. Only a block away from Balzac's. "Besides why are we arguing right now? You're pregnant! We're gonna be parents," Justin adds, but all I could focus on was my anger.
Maybe I needed time away from him, maybe I just needed time alone in general to process the news but whatever it was, I didn't want Justin around. I nodded at him as a response and held my tongue until we approached Balzac's where Jacob's car and one other sat vacant in the lot.
"You can drop me off at Balzac's. I'm sure there's a lot I need to catch up on to get this renovation complete."
As expected, Justin's face clenched with disgust.
"I thought we agreed that you would hold off on that. With everything that's happened with Jacob. Not to mention the Thomson's, or whatever they call themselves, being back. I mean is that really the kind of stress you want to subject you and the baby to?"
He had a point. The stress of it all definitely had reached an all time high. With everything going on and the fact that I could barely eat or sleep, it was yet another burden I didn't need to unload on my body, but I didn't want to listen to anything Justin had to say. I was genuinely upset with him.
"Anything is better than being in this car right now. I need something to occupy my mind or else I'll go crazy. I'm angry, annoyed and honestly I feel like some time apart would do the both of us justice. Just until tonight when I come over to explain everything that's happened to your mom. I've been meaning to. She should hear my indiscretions from me and only me."
Without another rebuttal at the ready, he pulled into the lot of Balzac's and brought the car to a halt.
"You're angry. I get that, but this isn't a good idea."
"Yeah, because we all know you'd know what a good idea looked like," I spat back.
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"It means that I haven't forgiven you for what you did. Lying to me behind my back, making me feel like a failure of a women. You sat and listened to me cry on your shoulder and confide in you about how much this meant to me, and still, you went a did the ultimate thing to prevent that. You saw how much it broke me and that wasn't enough to convince out of that stupid idea." I was on the verge of crying. Not because I was sad, but because of how angry I was. My chest was burning trying to hold on to a decent whiff of oxygen but lacked. "I don't know if I can forgive that. Not right now at least."
He let out an unamused scoff as if an apology was something he was entitled to.
"Even after I forgave you for fucking some other man? A man that you're obviously so clearly more interested in spending time with than your husband!" he yells. His voice might have not even been that loud, but in the confided car, it filled the air.
"My husband that I never see, you mean?" I yell back. I couldn't do this right now. It was too much. I opened the car door and stepped out. "I'll be at your house later. Don't wait up. I'm meeting your mom then spending the night at my own house. I think that's what's for the best.
And that was it before I walked inside the roastery in the presence of two people I'd never imagine seeing again.
——
an apology is useless. I want to be more active but life happens guys. trust me when i say writing is my absolute favorite thing to do, but there just isn't enough hours in the day. While you wait on updates for this—I know I still have at least one faithful reader of this story—you can check out my story My Professor's Secret. It's not a Justin Bieber fanfic, but I do think you'll enjoy it. thanks for sticking around btw to those who have.