Both women sat in utter silence at the table. Regina didn't deem the situation appropriate to talk and Emma just gazed in the distance as tears stung her eyes.
Images were flying through her mind and she noticed herself starting to tremble. She felt Regina's hand on top of hers, trying to calm her, but it didn't help.
Regina's soft touch only made her remember the time they spent in the bedroom and she felt the guilt creeping up inside her. Emma really felt like she was about to lose it, but suddenly she felt herself calming down and she blinked a few times before she averted her eyes to Regina.
"Sorry.. I- I have never told the story out loud before, to anyone," Emma said. "He was the sheriff and therefore everyone knew what had happened with him," she softly explained and wiped away her tears.
"You don't have to apologize, just let it all out," Regina replied and kept her eyes on Emma. She had no idea the story of Killian's passing had been this intense and she wanted to help Emma as much as she possibly could.
Emma had just told the entire story and from the moment the blonde had started talking, Regina realized this was harder on Emma than she'd anticipated at first.
"It's good to let it all out, because if you keep all your emotions inside, they will just build up to a point that they can't be kept inside anymore and you'll just explode," Regina said and Emma nodded curtly.
"I know. I just want to be a stable person, you know? For Hope." The confession had slipped passed Emma's lips before her brain had actually registered and she felt her cheeks turning red. She'd never confessed this to anyone either.
Emma did find it strange how she felt so secure around Regina. She didn't know the woman at all, yet she'd never been this vulnerable around anyone before.
"You're allowed to show emotions, even in front of other people. I know it's better for children to know their parents feel things, too. If you never show your emotions, whether that's sadness or happiness, Hope will learn to keep her emotions to herself as well, even though it's just as important for her to be able to cry whenever she feels the need to do so," Regina said. She pulled her hand back, which she now realized was still touching Emma's, and kept her eyes on the green orbs.
"I'm not saying you should be crying every second of the day, but you shouldn't bottle your emotions up," she continued.
Emma nodded again and shrugged. "It's just hard, I guess." She said and wiped her hands one last time over her face, to wipe away the last tears. "How did you do it? How did you cope with losing Daniel? I mean, you were quite young, but you seem like you've got it all figured out now."
Regina kept quiet for a rather long time, really contemplating her response. She didn't know whether she should answer this question truthfully, because she wasn't proud of the way she handled her loss. Yet, she felt obliged to speak the truth in front of Emma, given the way Emma opened up to her.
"I.. do not have it all figured out," she eventually said with a soft chuckle. "I'm okay with telling you everything that I did, but I really do not the recommend the way I handled everything."
Regina tucked a strand of hair behind her ear and cleared her throat. "I tried to cope with losing Daniel, the worst possible ways. I started drinking, although I was just twenty years old. Eventually I had to get into rehab. That was awful on top of all the shitty things that were going on in my life, but it was necessary. Most of the time after Daniel's passing I was drunk, and I started sleeping around with so many people. I..." Regina inhaled deeply. "It was not a good time for me."
Emma didn't know what to say, so she just looked at Regina in silence. She had no idea how to approach this subject in a good way, because she didn't want to harm Regina, or offend her.
"Like I said, it was not a good way of handling it. And, take it from me, it doesn't help at all. Eventually everything will only get worse if you seek help in alcohol."
Regina smiled sincerely at Emma. She really wasn't proud of her past, but she was working on herself. Every day again, she tried to be a better person. Though she knew she still had a long way to go.
"This is all.. quite something to go through," Emma said. "You look very healthy and beautiful now, though. Inside and out. I'm glad to see that. Maybe one day, I'll manage to clean up the mess I've made of my life and turn out to live it as perfectly as you," Emma said. She truly meant the words. Regina appeared as a steady, strong and gorgeous woman, who had her entire life perfectly on the rails.
Regina shifted in her seat and quickly shook her head. "Hon, I just want to say that your life isn't nearly as messy as mine once was. Apart from wanting to help you, I also want to make sure you don't make the same mistakes I made. My life is everything but perfect. I can guarantee you that."
Emma smiled weakly at Regina. "Thank you. For being here, it means a lot to me that you're willing to talk about everything with me," she said.
A smile appeared on Regina's lips and she kept quiet for a moment. Ever since she'd met Emma there had been this one question bugging her. She didn't know whether it was appropriate for her to ask it, but she really wanted an answer.
She'd figured it had something to do with Killian's passing, but now that she had heard the story, it seemed illogical. Something about Emma's behavior raised questions by Regina and she hoped that this time Emma would talk to her.
"I, uh, I do have a question," Regina said and cleared her throat. She was still looking for the best words to form the question. "I hope you don't take this the wrong way and if you don't feel comfortable answering it, you don't have to."
Emma cocked her head but nodded slowly. "Yes?"
"Do you.. feel ashamed or guilty for anything that's happened in your life?"
As Regina asked the question she saw Emma's expression fall. The woman stiffened and didn't move for a solid thirty seconds, before she started rapidly touching the table with her fingernails.
"You don't have to reply, if you're not comfortable with it," Regina soothed, but Emma quickly shook her head and chuckled nervously.
"No, it's... It's okay, I just wonder what gave you that idea."
Regina swallowed as she observed Emma. The woman seemed very uncomfortable talking about this subject and Regina wanted to be as careful as possible as she talked to Emma about it.
"The way you acted when we slept together," Regina replied in all honesty. "I- I'm not judging you, if you think that. I just no for a fact that us sleeping together wasn't just pure for pleasure, I noticed that you wanted pain involved."
"I..."
Both women looked up when they heard the lock of the front door jiggle. "Mom, I have that stupid history paper due tomorrow..." the door opened and Hope entered the room. She was staring at her phone as she took off her jacket. "I haven't started yet and Mrs. Mills is always so fuc..." She looked up as she closed the door and her eyes widened.
She blinked a few times and her eyes shifted between her mother and her history teacher. Hope didn't move as she tried to comprehend the situation in front of her. Her mom was talking to her teacher on a Sunday afternoon and she almost talked horribly about her teacher, while the woman was present.
Hope straightened her posture and wrapped her fingers tightly around her jacket. "Mom, can I talk to you for a moment? In private?"
Emma glanced at the clock and cursed herself under her breath for not keeping track of the time. She knew Hope would be coming home later and she'd completely forgotten about the fact that the girl wouldn't be too ecstatic to see her teacher in the room.
"Mom, what is she doing here?!" They'd made their way into Hope's bedroom. It was the closest room that wasn't part of the living room and kitchen and had it's own food.
"She..." Emma didn't really know how to explain this situation and Hope rolled her eyes.
"Let me guess.. the talk at school wasn't quite enough and she wanted to know what our home situation was like? She wanted to know more about my bad grades and my "insufferable behavior" at school, so she decided it would be great to stop by? Mom, I don't want to see my teachers on a Sunday evening in my own home. No, let me rephrase that. I don't want to see teachers in my own home, at all."
The venom was spitting off Hope's words and she looked angrily at her mother, who stood helplessly in front of her daughter.
"She's not here for you, but for me," Emma said and she slumped. Hope didn't look any more relieved and she just stared at her mother in anger.
"What is she doing, then?"
Before she said anything, Emma pulled her daughter in an embrace. Hope protested slightly at first, but as Emma stroked her hand over Hope's back, she fell the blonde girl's hands wrap around her.
Emma kissed Hope's temple, before she released the girl. "Reg- Ms. Mills has lost someone as well. We're merely talking, I..." Emma closed her eyes for a moment, before she looked into her daughter's eyes, that fully resembled Killian. "Maybe we should talk more. I feel like that could help us both a lot."
Hope still didn't say anything, but Emma noticed a brief nod. The girl walked backwards and collapsed on her bed. She stared at the ceiling and swallowed.
"Maybe we should," she replied. "But now, please get that woman out of this house, I don't want teachers in my home." Emma nodded curtly, but didn't move. She just looked at her daughter for a moment. "And it's Mrs. Mills. She's married."
"No, she's not." Emma's tone was harsher than she intended and Hope leaned on her elbows to look at her mom.
"Yes, she is. She's married to this guy and I thought she had a child, but I'm not sure about that."
"She's not married," Emma said and bit the inside of her lower lip. Regina hadn't said anything about being married and there was no way this woman was cheating on her husband. She simply wasn't the type.
"What makes you so certain about that? She literally told us in class once."
Emma quickly nodded and stepped back. "I.. just didn't see a ring, that's all. I'll make sure she goes home. I'm sorry, honey."
Hope shrugged and Emma left the room. She awkwardly made her way to Regina and smiled uncomfortably. "So, Hope isn't too fond of the idea of a teacher inside her house."
Emma couldn't help but look at Regina's fingers, but she really didn't see a ring. Hope probably had her confused with another teacher. Emma hoped Hope had confused Regina with another teacher, because she really didn't want to be someone's mistress.
"I totally understand," Regina said and stood up. She put on her jacket and smiled at Emma. "But I'm really glad we had this conversation. I'd love to continue it one day, if you still want that."
Regina still wondered about that one question. As Emma and Hope were in the bedroom, she thought of all the possible reasons Emma felt guilty or ashamed, but she couldn't come up with anything. Nothing Emma had told her about Killian's passing had been Emma's own fault.
"I do. It really helped," Emma said with a smile as she led Regina to the door. Regina glanced once more at her before she walked away.
"Oh, and I wish Hope good luck on her history paper. Tell her that the book explains a lot about the topic in paragraph six. It will help her a lot," Regina said before she took off.
Emma looked at the closed door, before she heard Hope approaching. "I'll use my book," she said and swallowed thickly. "I'm sorry for the way I lashed out on you, mom. I just.. are you two friends, now?"
She looked concerned at her mother, because even though she wanted her mother to be happy, she wasn't fond of the idea of her mom becoming friends with her teacher. Especially one that was awfully strict and never smiled.
Mrs. Mills was her least favorite teacher and she didn't really understand how Emma had ended up liking her. Well, at least Emma liked her enough to invite her over to their house and Hope really hoped this would be the last time she would stumble upon one of her teachers inside her house.
"I don't know if we're friends, but I did enjoy talking to her," Emma responded and smiled at her daughter. "I know it couldn't have been a lot of fun to see her here and I'll make sure that won't happen again."
"You're still going to see her after this?" Hope asked. There wasn't as much anger in her voice as there was confusion. The girl didn't seem so angry at all anymore, and Emma was glad to see that.
"Well, yes. I.. it's refreshing to talk to someone who isn't drenched in pity every time they look at you."
"That's because she's incapable of feeling anything for anyone," Hope remarked.
"Honey, she's not as bad as she seems." Emma walked back to the table and sat down. She figured this conversation would be longer than she thought and Hope sat down in front of her.
"She's the worst teacher I have. And I'm not saying that because I want you to hate her, but I don't want you to get hurt," Hope said and frowned.
Emma smiled slightly and nodded. "I know, but I feel like she's very different as a teacher."
She appreciated her daughter's concern, but she knew it was unnecessary. Regina was much different outside of work, she knew that. And frankly, she really started to like the Regina outside of work.