17 ✰ use/mention of drugs/self harm
little blue pill pt2
One, Two, small circular blue pills lay in my palm. Pansy herself with the same amount, glancing at me as if she was waiting for me to swallow them.
Thoughts rapidly rocket throughout my mind, bouncing around and making my entire choice processing to cloud up; now fogging the constant notions of 'don't do it'. With them now muddled, the hurt within me was increasing briskly. The blue pills grew more and more enticing.
Then, without much more thought, I place them on my tongue. Easily dry swallowing them, as the size was quite tiny. Pansy follows after, we both sit awkwardly opposite each other.
"Why are you being so nice?" I ask, my brows furrowing.
Pansy shrugs, "I'd hate to admit it, but I feel bad."
"You feel bad..." I repeat her, trying to wrap my head around what she just said.
"Well— Yeah. Everyone knows you fucked Draco, and that your like in love with him too." A soft laugh utters from her, she stands up from her bed and nods her head towards the door. Getting up from the bed myself, We walk to the dormitory door and make our way to Potions.
"Why does everyone think I love him?" I question Pansy with curiosity as we stroll to Professor Slughorn's classroom.
Pansy sighs, "You just have this stare, when you look at him. You're shit at hiding it, I'm surprised he can't see it."
I remain quiet the rest of the way, thinking way to intensely on what she had said. Did I really have a stare? A stare that, apparently, clearly showed I was in love with him? It was annoying me. I thought I managed to control my expression or whatever around him. Clearly not. Or Pansy was just being her normal self and trying to worry me. But that didn't make sense. She would of worried me right after she saw me panicking, just to hurt me even more. She didn't though.
She was kind.
Caring even.
I shake my head subtly, jostling the thoughts to the back of my head. Right now, I needed to calm down and wait for whatever was going to happen to me.
**
Three-Quarters way through potions, the room was still and silent as students started to brainstorm for the essay, which was on Everlasting Elixirs. You don't even want to know the minimum of parchments required for this assignment. Attentively reading my advanced potion book, the mere sound of footsteps and two chair screeches articulate through the hushed class. Glancing to my side, Draco had just sat down. He slouches into the chair, playing with his tie. My gaze wanders over him, his green and silver tie messily knotted; hanging loosing around his neck. Beneath the slack tie was one undone button, along with his shirt tucked in sloppily. My brows furrow in hurt as my eyes skim over his pale neck, peppered with red and purple marks. Gulping, now with the knowledge that he wasn't lying; he actually did fuck her. And that hurt me.
But, the little blue pills were beginning to affect me; mightily and colossally. Everything slowly morphs, creating an incredible feeling of calmness and that nothing mattered. Exactly what I wanted. I glance over my shoulder to Pansy, who was smiling like an idiot and throws a thumbs up at me. I smile, before turning my attention to the front of the room.
The feeling was amazing. All the bad thoughts were — gone. Vanished into thin air as the magical pills overpowered my relaxing body. I slouch into my chair, feeling the backrest glide up my spin as I sunk further done. Time felt like it was slow motion but fast forwarding at the same time, it was insanely strange. And before I knew it, the bell had rung.
I smile, knowing today was study day. A few students who were going for N.E.W.Ts were able to acquire study days. And luckily I did. But, so did Draco. I didn't care though, he doesn't bother me and I wasn't going to let him.
As I uncoordinatedly chuck my book in my bag, I start to realise how I must've looked; completely missing my bag, and awkwardly sliding it through the air until it finally went into the stupid bag. I stand, the blood rush to my head making the affects rapidly increase. "Fucking hell." I mumble under my breath, in extreme focus I swing my bag over my shoulder and stumble out the chilly room.
"How are you doing?" Her familiar voice speaks, placing her hand onto my shoulder as we walk down the corridor.
"Great, Actually. I have study now, so might just— I don't know, sit down." I smile at Pansy, who grins back. Quickly, I identify that Pansy was just as fucked as me. Her walking was a somewhat stumble, just like mine.
"Lucky! Well— be careful. I'll see you around." She pats my shoulder, before walking left down the split corridor. I sigh, making my way down the right corridor; towards Slytherin common room.
**
Slumping into the common room after a quick detour to stare at a brick wall, the come-up of the dreamy blue pills now stable. A feeling of euphoria and happiness was encircling within me, inducing me to completely zone out as I finally felt happy. I use my hand as guidance as I stumble over to the leather sofas; where Blaise, Draco, Tracey Davis and Daphne sat. Although my body was completely failing to suppress my unsoberness, my eyes luckily weren't blurry; clearer than anything if I'm honest, nothing like being drunk. Daphne and Blaise were sitting in their usual spot, with Blaise writing and Daphne reading. Tracey sat upon the footrest, close to the seemingly newly lit fire. Draco; his normal spot, reading the potions book, as he missed like all the lesson.
Faltering to the sofas, I trip over Draco's foot; falling straight to my knees, but the pain I would of felt was nonexistent. I embarrassingly attempt to gather myself, then haul myself onto the couch. Dropping my bag on the floor below my feet, I bring my legs onto the sofa and lay down; resting my head on the armrest and anxiously maintaining my feet to touch Draco.
"Uh— Are you okay?" Daphne asks, I flicker my glance around and calculate in my relaxed mind that they were all staring at me.
"Never been better." I murmur, smiling to myself as I close my eyes.
A few minutes pass, I think, and Daphne was still blabbering words to Blaise. The sound of his quill against the parchment, and the crackling fire engulf my hearing.
I force myself to sit up, my eyes opening and scanning over the confused eyes of them all. "What?" I question, my thoughts swirl on my brain but the magical pills compel me from acknowledging them. It was all cloudy, stubborn dark clouds, protecting me from the usual thoughts.
"What happened to your arms?" Blaise asks, invoking their curious eyes to meander to my arms; red, aggravated crescent moons with completely dry blood that trailed down from them. Fuck. I didn't clean it. I awkwardly smile at them, bringing my hands to my upper arms and hugging myself as I struggle to hide it. Daphne sighs, sharing a sympathetic look with me.
"Are you— you know, again?" Daphne queries, inducing an irritated groan to escape from me. I hated people questioning me on these type of things, made me feel incredibly embarrassed and weak; Sort of ashamed about what I did.
"Can we not?" I bite the inside of my cheek anxiously, "But— We should talk about how much of a dick Draco is." I suggest, glaring at Draco with snark as he finally built up the courage to look me in the eye.
"Why?" Blaise questions, "Draco, What did you do?"
Suddenly, Draco smirks, "I fucked the new chick."
Blaise's eyes widen, and soon does Daphne as she quickly finishes placing the last mental puzzle piece. The common room floods in silence, not even the sound of gum being chewed escaped from Tracey; everyone was shaken with surprise. I stand, in shock as well, completely taken back that he blurted it out, not even guilty about it either. He looked proud of himself.
"Fuck you." I mutter, feeling the stupid tears tingle at my already puffy eyes. Brushing past Draco, desperately trying to get out of there before the flood of tears would elope. This isn't what I wanted to feel, the affects of the blue pill was making my pain worse. It only covered it, not rid of it. And from the unstable blanket being hauled from hiding my feelings, they sprung back ten times worse.
Eventually, and i'm not sure how, I reach the girls dormitory corridor and instantly rest my forehead against the smooth wall. Warm tears travel along my nose, before dropping onto the cold floor. Quiet, quivering sobs release from me, the heightened misery was torture.
"Kora..." He voice echoes through my ears, eliminating the only audible sound to me; my whimpers as I inhaled shakily.
"Please go away." I quiver through trembling breaths.
I hear him sigh, but I divert my focus to the multiple tear droplets on the ground. "I knew this would be a bad idea." He groans, frustration and bother in his tone.
Confused, I bring my gaze up. Turning around, meeting with his towering presence as I once again stood awkwardly against a stone wall. We all know how this ended last time.
"What are you talking about?" I feebly question.
"You get fucking attached so quickly. I shouldn't of fucked you, it made you worse." He rolls his eyes, hanging his head back as he sighs loudly in annoyance, then brings his stare to me again.
I am too high for this. I am in the clouds right now. His words were cutting through me like I was butter. I am so weak right now, so stupidly vulnerable. "I hate you." I yell, my words still coming out shakily.
Then, my hands collide with his chest and I aggressively push him; which he only stumbles a step back in force. I do it again, to not much luck as he stood there— taking it.
Again, I push him. And Again. Until my hands curl into fists, slamming them against him as I let out the held back torture within me. Each hit, my sobs grew louder and my whimpers quiver as I breathed in.
"I hate you."
"I hate you so much."
I cry.
His cold touch grasps my wrists, constraining my fists to slam upon him again. As he holds them, my fists slowly fall in anger; now being relaxed and rest aimlessly in his clasp. He doesn't let go, just suspends them against the wall; compelling them as I let everything out in tearful weeps.
"If you knew, why then? Why did you let me get attached?" My bawls weakening to unalloyed whimpers, my voice small and tired from the sobs of released agony.
"I don't know, Riddle. I was hoping you'd deal with it." He responds calmly, ostensibly not caring about my feelings. He knew. He bloody knew. I couldn't believe he was letting me suffer like this. He knew I'd get attached. He knew I already liked him. Everything, he was aware of it all. And he didn't care. I was just a worthless body for him to drag around, like the other girls. I was stupid. Incredibly stupid. I thought I meant something to him, something more important than the girls he'd mess around with. But, I wasn't. I was exactly like them. Couldn't stay away after one time, and kept going back until they found he didn't care. Like now. I was going through exactly what they did.
"Oh." I mutter, in a lone whisper, Staring at the ground, steadying my breaths. "It's nice to know I don't mean anything to you."
"—What? You do, it's just..." Draco sighs, his grasp from my wrists completely loosens and I take my hands back to myself. I glance up at him, his eyes were softened but briskly darken with no clear reason why.
"Just..." I carry on his words, hoping for him to finish it. He is so close to telling me his feelings. I can tell.
"Nothing, doesn't fucking matter. Your my friend, nothing more, nothing less. Either deal with it, or leave." His tone of voice switches entirely, to much more harshness and aggression.
Ouch. friend. That's all I was to him. I grow mad at myself, angered that I let him do this. Even frustrated at him for not stopping it before I was too attached. "I've loved you since fucking third year." I blurt, my voice rough from my dry throat and quivering from the cries.
Why did I say that.
A few seconds pass, he glares at me; only sheer exasperation perfervid in his dimmed eyes. I hate myself. Why did I do that? Did I think it was going to help the situation? It obviously wasn't, he was quiet. Scarily quiet. His stare pierces into mine, believably fighting to break me to say I was lying; or joking. But, the worst thing is that I was dead serious.
"Shit— You're being serious?" his eyebrows raise, and his ringed hand rakes through his hair in supposed thought. "I didn't want this to be some stupid meaningful chat, Kora."
My brows furrow in desolation, the internal pin eventually being dropped. The reality of it all crashing onto me, almost drowning me.
"I can't date, I can't. Especially not with you. I'll hurt you. Please stop trying." He sighs, his eyes plummeting hastily placid and nonaggressive. Darkling in dusky pity, beseeching with me to understand. I tried to. I have been trying too. For the past three years. What he said was brief, irritating me as I longed for more answers. But it would make things worse. I was still really doped up on bloody random blue pills.
"Look— I can tell your not sober, it's quite obvious. Blaise's bed is free tonight if you want it." He mutters, then strolls off into the common room.
What was that. That didn't answer anything for me. How am I meant to just stop loving someone? I couldn't do it. No matter what i'd try to do.
Have sex
with a
random? No.
Get as drugged
up
as possible?
Definitely no.
It made me
want him more.
Stop being friends
with him? No.
I'd miss his
normal
friendship
company.
Nothing, absolutely and positively nothing.