Trigger alert: This and following chapter talks about depression, self harming.
Mullai was wondering what would have happened, if she walked out of the house when she first lost hope in this wedding. Maybe, she could still have her dignity left, if she called it quits, when the thought first came in her head.
May 4th 2019 – Jeeva's Birthday
Tomorrow was Jeeva's birthday. She wanted to make it special for him and was determined to make him realize her love for him. She has waited patiently all these months in hope that he will shed his shyness and start talking to her normally. She had given him space to come around. However staying away from him is not helping. She was getting frustrated and angry for no reason these days. She does not want to feel this way and want him to let go of his inhibitions and treat her as his wife.
She started planning things meticulously. She zeroed on the decorations; cake flavor and even decided to wear something nice and sexy just for him tonight. The thought made her blush but immediately shut it out and went back to planning. She needs to focus and finalize everything on time. She asked almost everyone about gift ideas. All she got was dress, watch, wall clock, showpieces. Dejected, she thought on her own and decided to gift him a chain. This was expensive, at the same time something that he will wear every day. With the money her dad gave during wedding, it might not be enough. She decided to exchange one of her rings to buy him a chain. Not minding the scorching sun, she was wandering the streets and hopping between shops to get him the perfect gift. She had a triumph smile when she zeroed a chain with a M pendant. Her next hop was to buy something nice for her to wear. She mustered up energy and got a chiffon saree with a lacy sleeveless blouse. She was elated about the gift and started walking back home. Not having her lunch and roaming in sun was doing its course and she sat in side of road fearing she might faint.
Kathir who was on way to shop after delivery saw her and stopped the vehicle.
"Eii. Indha, inga en roadla okandutu iruka?"
Mullai wanted it to be a surprise and did not want to reveal it to Kathir. She debated if she could ask him to buy some water or not. As she was too weak to walk home, his help might be needed. Slowly stated the events of the day that lead her here.
"Adhu Kathiru, Mamaku gift vangalamnu vandhean.Konjam thala suthichu, adhan apadiyey okandutean"
"Enadhu thala sudhudha!!".
When he saw her looking at him, as if he grew horns, he composed himself and went back to his usual self. "Arivu illa unaku? Ipadi than vegadha veyila varuviya? Sandhirama annana kuptu vara vendiyadu thana?"
She replied pouting "Mama ku gift vanga avangalayeva kutitu vara mudiyum? Birthday ku surprise pananumnu nenachean. Nee kelambu, naan konjam neram kalichu poikarean"
Though Kathir never cared or understood about such materialistic gifts, he felt for her. She had taken so much effort not minding her discomfort just for his brother. He was rubbing his hands over his chest not knowing how he can help her. "Eii. veedu evalavu dhoram. Indha veyila yepadi pova?"
He paused and asked "Saptiya edavadhu?"
"Illa Kathiru. Vetuku poi than sapidanum"
Mullai could see he was visibly angry. This is not the first time he showed concern of her not having food.
"Seri yeru. Naan vetla vidarean"
"Neeya?" Mullai almost yelled sounding surprised.
"Dha. Apadiyey vetuku vandhu, naanum saptutu kadaiku yedututu porean. Va. Unakaga elam onum varala"
"Adhana. Vandutalam. Akash kadhu kuthutu vandila irundhu yeranga sonavan thana?" She hoped on her bike but did not fail to notice a small curve form on his face.
"Romba marita Kathiru nee. Munadi elam yepadi yerinji yerinji viluva. Avalavu en, unga veetuku vandha apo kuda..."
He did not let her finish. "Konja neram than amaidhiya vayean. Epo paaru noi noitu. Ippo nee pesaradha niruthala, inaikum vandiyil irundhu yeraki vituduvean". He was worried; if she would faint and did not want her lose more energy talking. At the same time, he did not fail to notice her referring the house as his, not hers too.
They passed a tender coconut shop and Kathir stopped the vehicle.
"Ethuku Kathiru inga niruthina?"
"Illa veyil mandaya polakudhu. Yelani kudikanum pola iruku. Unakum venuma?
"Nejama??", her face was so animated that she looked like a cartoon character getting over excited.He could not understand why she was so elated suddenly for a tender coconut.
She continued "Indha mathiri road kadaila ninnu sapidanumnu romba naal aasai. Appa vidavey mataru"
Kathir was amazed at how she can sometimes be feisty and sometimes be this childish"Ei idhu elam oru aasaiya unaku?
"Amam Kathiru. Enga appa theru kadaila sapida vidavey maatar. Pasanga elam ipadi kuttama ninnu sapidara pakarapo aasaiya irukum. Appa kita kuda soluvean, nenga vidalana enna, kalyanathuku aparam purusana kutitu poga soluvenu", she giggled
She continued to talk about her small wishes like going to smaller shops and eat while they had elani and started back home. He found it amusing and smiled inwardly.
Later, he dropped her in the hosue and was about to return when Mullai came running towards him.
"Kathiru, Mama kita solidadha. Surprisea irukatum"
Kathir lifted a eyebrow and said "Solla matean podhuma. Po poi velaiya paru."
He started the vehicle and suddenly said "Vera edavadhu vanganumna sollu, naan vangitu varean. Ilana unna kutitu porean. Thirumba nadadhu poi mayakam potu vekadha"
Mulai was too shocked to speak and could just nod.
Later that night, all retired to bed but Jeeva had not come home yet. She waited in her room with the new saree. She was feeling jittery and shy. She was not sure how Jeeva would react.
Much later, Jeeva entered the room and all he asked was "Inum thungalaya pa nee? Enaku kanaku paka vendi iruku. Naan velila poi pakarean pa. Nee thungu. Inga irundhu light potta, unaku thondarava irukum"
Disappointment filled her brown eyes as she stared at him with hope that he might look at her and change his mind. When he did not speak anything for a long moment, she signed defeated and went sat in the bed.
Mullai had brown eyes, and black hair that reached her mid back. She had a wheatish complexion and smooth skin. She always thought about her being pretty and attractive. She is not as confident as she used to be anymore. She was not demanding and was always more than content with whatever she had. Now she doubts if Jeeva would ever be attracted to her for these qualities.
Mullai suddenly felt someone touching her. She opened her eyes to see Jeeva looking at her lovingly. She blushed when he leaned in for a kiss. Soon, it turned into a passionate one. She is not able to believe it is he. He was here with her on this very bed, kissing her passionately. All the emotions buried deep somewhere resurfaced.
"Mama" her breathless voice came and he kissed her harder. His mouth traveled south to her delicate neck and peppered small kisses down to her color bones.
"Enna pudichu iruka Mama?", she whispered. Jeeva only smirked. She pushed him away and she grunted angrily and lay on her back beside him. She closed her eyes and felt his mouth slightly peck her lips and move down, to her neck and slowly trailing down.
"Mama", she shouted her name and rose to sitting position. The dim light in the room turned into terrifying darkness. She looked around herself and found Jeeva sleeping peacefully. Her eyes moved to the clock and it was half past 5 in the morning. The room was colorless just like her fate.
It has been almost 5 months since she got married. She thought she married love of her life but the vicious cycle of misery and torment started only then. She lay back and kept tossing and turning restlessly. Finally, she gave up and stood in front of the mirror. She was dressed up sexy but all she could see was a broken girl with empty eyes.
Later in the day, Mullai along with Kanna had decorated the house . She was not as excited anymore but did not want to stop the celebration as well. She gave in to benefit of her doubt that he might have been tired and didn't notice her. She had invited her parents for the cake cutting and was waiting for everyone to return from the shop. Everyone came except Jeeva.
"Mama, avar enga?" asked Mullai to Moorthy.
"Oru phone vanduchunu engayo ponan pa. Mudichutu saraka yeduka vetuku poitu vanu solli than anupinean. Inarem inga vandhu irupanu nenachu thana nanga vandhom", said Moorthy. He was not good at surprises but played along with Mullai, as Dhanam insisted him not to reveal anything to Jeeva.
Moorthy not wanting to wait long leaving the shop called Jeeva but got no answer.
As time passed, he was getting restless. Kathir offered to go in search of him.
"Enganu da poi theduva? Idhuku than avan kita sollitu seiyalamnu sonean. Enga ketenga. Seri enaku neram achu, naan kadaiku kelambarean. Avan vandha call panunga"
They waited but Jeeva did not return even for dinner. Everyone retired to bed and Mullai parents left home too.
"Amadi Mullai. Varutha padadha ma. Mapillaiku theriyadhu illa, liana vandhu irupar", reassured Murugan seeing Mullai visibly upset.
"Paravala pa. Mama ku suprisea irukatumnu kalaila naan wish kuda panala. Adhan yosichean. Nenga onum kolapikadhenga"
"Vanduruvar pa. Nee pathuko. Naan varean ma", patting her head and left.
Jeeva reached home past 11 pm visibly shaken and upset.
"Mama, enga ponenga? En mugam oru mathiri iruku?". She immediately wiped the sweat from his face with her pallu. He moved a step back, which pricked her again.
Nothing can justify him avoiding her that too on his birthday, when all she wanted was it to be special for him. She was fuming inside and didn't care about him being upset anymore. Her helplessness was taking toll and she wanted to vent out her frustrations.
What she did not know was Meena had called him. She had never missed to wish him at 12 these last 2 years and made sure she surprised Jeeva and spent time with him. Jeeva did not have the courage to pick her call, but seeing multiple missed calls; he switched off the phone and went to Karaikudi where they have spent so much time together. He just roamed around waiting for the day to end and finally came home.
"Illa pa. Velila konjam velai. Nee thungi iruka vendiyadhu thana? Anni kadhava thorandhu irupanga illa. Eduku mulichutu iruka?"
Mullai realized he asked out of concern but it pricked her that she did not have rights to even wait for him. It aggravated her further and her eyes started watering while she extended the gift box to him and wished
"Pirandha naal vazhthukal Mama. Vazhthu sollavadhu urimai iruka, illa adhuvum ilaya?"
"Apadi elam edhuvum illa pa. Ahhha..thanks pa. Unaku yepadi pa en pirandha naal theriyum? ", is all he said.
Realization dawned on Mullai, that no matter what she does, Jeeva might never like her or treat her as his wife.
"Mama onnu kekata?"
"Sollu pa"
"Ungalauku enna en Mama pudikala?
"Ayo apadi elam illa pa. Nee romba nala ponnu. Anba iruka, indha vetukaga avalavu panra.."
"Aana? ", mullai couldn't help but ask. She knew, there was more to this sentence.She continued
"Solunga mama, aanalum ungaluku enna pudikala thana? Unga pondatiya pakka mudiyala thana? Naan inum enna panna, nenga enna pondatiya papenga? Kita vandha velagi porenga, okandhu nalu varthai kuda sirichu pesa matengarenga, nethil irundhu ungalukaga pathu pathu panna, ennanu kuda keka matengarenga?
Nethu, nethu." her words chocked. "Naan yepadi irukanu kuda nenga pakala. Naan alaga ilaya Mama?"
No answer from Jeeva gave her the answer she dread to hear. Suddenly she felt so angry of being neglected and rejected repeatedly
"Pudikalana edhuku inum indha veetla vechu irukenga? Naan enga veetu poidava? Pudikadha yedathil irundhu, ungalayum en kasta paduthanumnu thonudhu"
"Sorry pa. Naan thapu panreanu theriyudhu. Nee nenaikara mathiri illa pa. Un mela endha thapum illa. Ella thapu en mela than. Unna kasta padutha kudadhunu nenaikarean, aana naney unna romba kasta paduthidarean. Enaku konjam time kudu pa, elam maridum", he assured more to himself than to her.
Before she could bash him, Moorthy walked in and started his advice. Not wanting to be part of it she went to her room.
She knew Jeeva's answer was not convincing. She felt humiliated and unwanted. She had the urge to storm out of house. If Jeeva wanted her in his life, she wanted him to come looking for her. She started packing when her phone rang.
"Amadi mullai. Mapillai vandutara ma?", asked her concerned dad
"Vandutaga pa" and started crying
"Inga paru ma. Unakum mapillaiyum enna prachanainu naan kekka matean. Aana avar romba nalavar ma. Andha vedu ipo un veedu. Unna anga elarum nala pathukaranga. Nee konjam porumaiya iru ma. Elam seri ayidum. Mapillai kita okandu pesu. Pesina seri agadhadhu onum illa ma. Seriya?"
She wanted to ask if she could come back to her home but couldn't see his father suffer. For a moment thought of leaving Jeeva made sense, but then how will her parents be able to hear this news? Wasn't getting a daughter married one of he biggest dreams parents have? She knew her dad would not be able to put with this and didn't want to hurt them at all.
"Seri pa.Naan pathukarean. Nenga kolapikama poi thungunga"
She went back to her room, stood in the corner of the room where a window was. She looked out of the window and looked at the moon who was shining brightly and the sky, which was dark like her life, teasing her. Slowly tears started flowing from her eyes; one by one sob started escaping from her mouth. She slipped down and leaned her back against the wall, curling her legs and wrapped her arms around them. She cried over her fate. She cried of being unwanted, cried for her future, which she did not see, cried because she realized she would never be happy and have to accept this loveless marriage as her future.
Present – Jeeva and Kathir on way to the hospital
Jeeva was too anxious and could not think straight. Meena's mom had called him and she sounded hysterical. She had asked him to come immediately to the hospital and cut the call abruptly when she heard some noise. Jeeva wanted to drive, but Kathir understood his state of mind and offered to drive. He never spoke about his undying love for Meena nor his unhappy life with Mullai to anyone, but he sensed Kathir always knew. His heart was beating fast and just wanted to make sure Meena was safe. As soon as they reached the hospital, Jeeva hopped out of the bike and ran inside not waiting for Kathir to even, stop the bike. However, Janarthan stopped him, as soon as he entered the reception area.
"Inga edhuku da vandha? En ponnu uyiroda irukala illa sethutalanu pakka vandhengala?"
"Unga kuda prachanai panna varala. Meena ku enna achu? Avaluku onum illa thana?", Jeeva pleaded with him. He just wanted assurance Meena was ok.
"Unaku yaru da sonna? Nee panadhu elam pathadha, inum enna panna inga vandha?", the loving father roared at Jeeva for his daughters state today.
"Naan thanga vara sonean. ", Jeeva's mom tried to reason with her husband while still crying.
"Kalaivani, nee chumma iru konjam. Vara kovathuku, ivana veti podanum pola iruku enaku"
"Ipadi kova pattu than, nama ponnu vazhkai inga vandhu nikudhu. Nenga konjam neram chumma irunga."
Jeeva was waiting for some cue about Meena's health but could not understand head or tail. He was losing his patience every passing second.
"Meena ku enna than achunu? Nenga onum solama phonea vechutenga. Avaluku onnum illa thana? Enaiku kaiyum odala, kalayum odala. Please solunga"
"Thambi, ivar Meena ku nichiyam yerpadu panni irundhar. Ava evalavu soliyum kekala. Unga vetuku inaiku vandutu ponnanu therinju, ivar nalaikey nichathuku yerpadu panitar. Adhunala.....", she continued to cry
Jeeva was holding his breath for someone to break the news "Ayooo....enna achu avaluku. Konjam solungalean"
Jeeva saw Janarthan crying by now while talking "En ponnu pathi kekka nee yaru da? Avalavuku matum edavadhu onnu achuna, nee uyiroda veedu poi seramata solitean".
It was taking everything in Jeeva to produce a breath because his lungs might have stopped working. "En..na achuu ava..lu..ku?"
"Ava tharkolai pannika muyarchi panni, kaiya vettikita thambi", came the reply from her wailing mother.