There are many words that can describe a man such as Count Olaf, like arrogant, careless, cruel, conceited, foolish, greedy, rude, selfish; the list could go on forever. I must now warn you, dear reader, that the Quagmires will soon be tormented by Count Olaf, a phrase which here means that Count Olaf will cause Duncan and Isadora Quagmire to physically and mentally suffer. Therefore, if I were you, I would close this book right now, and be rid of it before it's too late, and before this sad story changes my life for the worse.
After Duncan and Isadora figured out that Count Olaf was roaming the grounds of this miserable school, they headed to pep rally. Not only did they want to make it there on time to save themselves the candy-buying, but they also wanted to inform their friends, the Baudelaires, about Count Olaf being on the premises. They walked into the school's athletic field and it was filled with excited, yet negative, students seated on plastic chairs, facing a large stage. Many trees seemed to have mistaken the field's benches for their graveyards, if trees were ever buried after their death. There was also a leaning score board with the school motto written clearly onto it. "Memento Mori" was the school's motto, which, to the Quagmires' dismay, meant 'remember you will die'. The Quagmires found the Baudelaires, who had saved them two seats, and sat next to them.
"We saw something," explained Duncan in a low voice. All of a sudden, every student, except Duncan, Isadora, Violet, Klaus, and Sunny, was off his or her chair, cheering very loudly. It made it much harder for the Quagmires and the Baudelaires to hold their private conversation.
"What did you see?" exclaimed Violet.
"We think we saw Count Olaf," yelled Isadora.
"What," cried Klaus. The cheers were way too loud, and the children could not hear each other.
"We think Count Olaf is here," restated Duncan loudly.
"What?" asked Violet. They were still unable to hold their important, private conversation.
"Thank you. Thank you," shrieked a familiar voice. The Quagmires turned around to see their vice principal trying to quiet down the students. "Welcome, to the mandatory pep rally," he said when the students were finally silent. "I don't know which word I like more, the word 'pep' or the word 'rally'.
"I like 'pep'," interrupted Mrs. Bass.
"I like 'rally'," debated Mr. Remora.
"Maybe we should ask our mascot! What do you say?" yelled vice principal Nero. Everyone in the crowd cheered violently, except for the Quagmires and Baudelaires of course.
"What's the mascot of Prufrock Prep?" asked Violet in a yelling manner.
"A dead horse!" exclaimed Duncan in reply.
"It sounded like you said-" Klaus tried to say but Isadora continued the sentence for him.
"A dead horse. But that's not important," she explained.
"Who can't be beat?" exclaimed Carmelita.
"A dead horse!" yelled the crowd.
"Who can't be beat?"
"A dead horse!"
"Hi-yah!" Carmelita kicked the mascot of a dead horse, causing the people inside to weaken in pain and collapse onto the ground. Carmelita raised her hands expecting praise, which she got from the students of Prufrock Prep.
"You have to listen," yelled Isadora as she leaned closer for the Baudelaires to hear her. "My brother and I saw-"
"Shush!" hollered Mrs. Bass at Isadora.
"I know things can seem less peppy since our athletes, cheerleaders and beloved gym teacher mysteriously vanished on the way home from that game," announced the horrid vice principal. "But Prufrock Preparatory School has a motto. It's 'memento mori'. And it's an ancient Greek saying..."
"Latin," corrected Violet and Klaus together.
"...which means, 'Remember, you will die. And soon, indeed, the sun will set, the fiery orb of life, leaving me alone!" he yelled dramatically. "Alone! Alone!" he continued, looking up into the sky, which caused Carmelita Spats to do the same although she was relatively confused. "Until, of course," he began suddenly, "you meet someone who truly understands and supports you with friendship, camaraderie and cash bribes. Our gym teacher was irreplaceable, but I have found someone I know who can fill her shoes." Two white-faced, identical women walked from behind the stage, holding a large, round board with the school motto printed onto it. "And, now, please welcome to the stage, a man with no resume, no letters of recommendation, no credit history," he went on. Duncan took out his commonplace book and a small pencil and began to write down 'COUNT OLAF HERE'. "But with such a marvelous ear for music that I've hired him as the newest member of our faculty!" A man in a nurse gown walked up beside him smiling widely. He made vice principal Nero yelp, "No, no, not you. No." He quickly made the smile disappear from his face. Duncan tried to hand Violet his commonplace book but was stopped by Mr. Remora who closed it in his hands, making him sit back in retreat. "Your new gym teacher, Coach Genghis!" Vice principal Nero pointed his violin stick at the large, round, board from which a familiar figure ripped through.
"Count Olaf," sighed both Violet and Klaus. Count Olaf was wearing a red jumper and white boots, with a white turban on his head. All of these covered all his distinguishable features. Right then, a newspaper from the daily punctilio was dropped near the youngest Baudelaire, Sunny. The Baudelaire children turned towards it to see a headline of 'OLAF NOWHERE NEARBY'.
"So much to learn, and I am here to school you," declared Count Olaf with a fake accent, only adding to his disguise as Coach Genghis. Everyone began to cheer as the Quagmires looked at him in disgust and the Baudelaires looked at him in fright and hatred. "I love the energy! I love it!" he chuckled.
"Okay everyone, settle down," calmed vice principal Nero. The entire crowd heeded him.
"Settle down?" said Coach Genghis in surprise. "Do you hear what Vice Principal Shapiro just said?"
"Nero."
"Settle down. How often I hear those words come out of people's ears and into my mouth. 'Settle,' a word which here means 'settling for less,' and 'down,' my personal least favorite direction. Let me tell you a story..."
The Quagmires weren't interested in Coach Genghis's, I meant Count Olaf's, story. They were drowning in thought of how to help the Baudelaires in any way they can. Duncan wished he had tried harder to warn them, and he was trying to think of ways to expose Count Olaf. Isadora was worried about Klaus, he seemed sensitive and she couldn't bare the thought of losing him. Before they could find ways to help their friends, Count Olaf was standing right beside them and the Baudelaires. All five orphans gave him dirty looks as he told his story.
"...she died in a mysterious fire," he smirked. Isadora looked at him worryingly as the rest of the children looked at him with a mixture of disgust and hatred.
"Wait, what?" asked vice principal Nero in great confusion.
"Settling down is what losers do," continued Count Olaf as he walked away from the Quagmires and the Baudelaires.
"But the woman you were talking about-"
"Settling down is what started World War one."'
"Okay, but the story you were telling, you were just-"
"Settling down is what happens when you bite your lip, and then your lip gets swollen, so you bite your lip again, and then you keep biting your lip over and over. I don't want that. Do you want that, Prufrock Prep?"
"No!" yelled the students, of course excluding the Quagmires and the Baudelaires who were too preoccupied with more important things than a count in disguise giving unreasonable explanations.
"Let's bring in the violin!" pointed Count Olaf at Nero. Vice principal Nero began to play on his miserable violin as Carmelita danced to his off-tune song.
"The whole school is falling for the treachery of an unhinged villain," stated Violet.
"That always happens at pep rallies," explained Duncan.
"This might be our only chance to stop him," suggested Klaus. He looked down to his sister, who was sitting on a smaller chair than the one her brother was seated on. "Sunny, stay here."
"e-pe," Sunny blurted out. Isadora and Duncan figured she meant something like 'okay' or 'good luck', although it was nearly impossible to understand what she truly said.
Klaus got up from his seat, and so did Violet. Klaus picked up the newspaper that had been dropped next to them a while ago and they walked up to the wooden stage.
"Stop the music!" exclaimed Violet. Her voice had startled vice principal Nero, which thankfully put an end to his tormenting 'music'. It also made the crowd gasp in shock. "Everyone, listen, please!"
"How dare you interrupt a genius!" cried Nero.
"And his guest violinist," added Count Olaf.
"This man is not a genius," emphasized the eldest Baudelaire. "This man is an imposter."
"The term is 'improviser'," vice principal Nero corrected incorrectly.
"This so-called gym teacher is the notorious villain Count Olaf!" Violet pointed out. "And as long as he's at Prufrock Preparatory School, nobody is safe."
"That's not true," defended Carmelita. "You're just jealous. Vice princy, throw them off the stage and I'll start my dance all over with extra twirls."
"Well said, adorable cheerleader," commented Coach Genghis.
"This man is Count Olaf and we can prove it," explained Klaus. Ms. Olivia, the librarian, stood up and declared,
"The Baudelaires seem like honest and decent people. I think we should listen to what they have to say."
"Down in back," muttered Mr. Remora. Ms. Olivia gave him a threatening look, which he did not see, and Violet continued her elaboration.
"Count Olaf, who is wanted by the authorities for suspicion of fraud, theft, murder, and child endangerment..."
"And arson," added the mysterious 'nurse'. Coach Genghis gave him a shocked look.
"...who has one eyebrow instead of two."
The vice principal then made a remark. "Why, there's nothing wrong with being bushy. If I open my shirt now, you..."
Klaus looked at him in mere confusion thinking about how that is relevant at all. Isadora and Duncan thought so too.
"...if Count Olaf were to take off his turban." Violet reached towards Coach Genghis's white turban, but she was stopped by Count Olaf, who tightly held her hand, resisting her powerful push.
"Isn't she marvelous, everybody?" asked Count Olaf. "I'm afraid my two glorious eyebrows will remain hidden underneath this turban, which I wear for religious reasons."
"And what religion might that be?" interrupted Klaus, causing the crowd to gasp slightly. Count Olaf went quiet, there was an expression of fright on his face. He looked back at the person dressed as a nurse, who lifted his shoulders to tell him that he doesn't know what to suggest. However, a person from under the dead horse mascot, with hooks for hands, stuck his head out of the mascot and said,
"Reconstructionist Judaism."
"Reconstroiuisism," he tried to repeat. "Yes, that."
"I would never ask you to remove your turban, Coach Genghis. I'm against religious persecution, but I can't speak for the orphans." The students in the crowd nodded in agreement.
"Count Olaf can also be identified by the tattoo of an eye on his ankle," stated Klaus.
"My body is a temple, young man. I would never sully my skin the way so many young people do nowadays with their hedonistic lifestyle of loud music and abstinence."
"Why don't you take off your shoes and prove it?" asked Violet.
"Absolutely not!" declared Count Olaf.
"Is that for religious reasons, too?" questioned Klaus.
"No, it's because taking your shoes and socks off is gross."
"We can compare Genghis to the photograph of Count Olaf in The Daily Punctilio."
"You sound like a boring librarian," stated vice principal Nero, who clearly offended Ms. Olivia. "Plus, we don't need newspapers now that we have our advanced computer system."
Four students dragged the computer system, which scans a face for Count Olaf's facial features, and Count Olaf pointed towards it, muttering anxiously,
"Oh. Uh, you mean that computer."
"He's sweating. He's nervous," smiled Klaus.
"No, I'm not. I have naturally leaky pores."
"Will you and your pores please stand in front of this very expensive electronic device and just clear this matter up, once and for all?" asked the vice principal.
"I, uh... Mmm, this reminds me of a story." However, before he could continue, Violet and Klaus pushed the computer to right in front of Coach Genghis. His eyes widened as the computer system began its scan.
"This is not Count Olaf," said the system. Even Count Olaf was confused. The Baudelaires stood there in defeat. They didn't know what else to do. The Quagmires, having not known Count Olaf for as long as the Baudelaires, also hadn't any idea of how to prove the 'coach' wrong.
"See?" mocked Nero.
"Yeah, see?" agreed Coach Genghis in relief. He pushed away the computer system and began,
"I think this calls for a little democracy, my second favorite style of government. How many of you want to hear more tiresome accusations hurled at an innocent man from orphans?"
"Investigate further!" exclaimed Duncan, trying to help the Baudelaires the best he can.
"We demand that this issue get further scrutiny!" Isadora backed up. Although the triplets quickly realized that they were the only ones among the seated crowd who didn't fall for Count Olaf's hideous disguise.
"And who here wants to hear about an exciting new program that is sure to blast your school spirit right out your blowhole?" The crowd began cheering violently without limits. "Students! Faculty! Don't worry if every exercise program you have tried has failed you, because I am here to fail you more by putting the 'whip' back into 'whip you into shape'. Everyone, get on your feet, and let's try something that I invented one lonely night at a truck stop, called jumping jacks." "Here we go. Ready?" And he began doing vastly improper jumping jacks, repeated after by many students in the crowd. "One! Two!" Yet he quickly stopped and held onto the back of his leg. "Okay. All right. All right. Let's cool it down. Let's cool it down. We don't want to ham up the old hamstrings." Everyone, including Carmelita Spats, looked at him in disgusted confusion. He walked towards the identical, white-faced women and the so-called school nurse. "Oh, God, can someone say, 'Class dismissed' for ice water and some deep breaths? I know. I'll be okay. I just need a second."
"But the-" the man disguised as a nurse was interrupted as he tried to tell Count Olaf about the orphans, to whom he pointed with his eyes.
"What?" "Yeah. Oh. Yes! Yes! One last thing, everybody!" he declared as he stood up straight. "As anyone who has been to junior college knows, orphans tend to have unsound bodies, which leads to paranoia, delusion and untapped wealth. That's why I have developed the Special Orphans Running Exercises, or S.O.R.E. for short, which I will be offering to a few select students." "Will the orphans in the house please stand?"
Duncan, Isadora, and Sunny had to get up from their seats, but they were not the only ones surprised to see the librarian, Ms. Olivia, stand up too.
"Okay, okay. I choose," he said as he moved his finger frantically. He finally pointed towards Klaus, who was already standing on the stage beside him, with Violet. "You."
Klaus sighed.
"And..." he kept his eyes towards the crowd but pointed his finger towards Violet. "Oh, you."
"And little baby secretary I've heard so much about."
"Administrative assistant," corrected Sunny, although no one but her siblings understood what she had said.
"The three of you will report to the athletic field at sundown and every night until further notice.
The Quagmires felt relieved not to be chosen but they also felt really bad for the Baudelaires, and were determined to help them in any way they can.
"Of course this does not excuse you from missing my nightly violin recital. You're going to owe me a lot of candy," smirked vice principal Nero.
"Now that's the sort of leadership that I was sort of talking about. You sir are a genius."
"You're the genius for noticing."
"No you're the genius for saying so."
"You're a genius for agreeing."
"All right, I'm the genius," Count Olaf finally said.
"Drat! Everybody is dismissed!" announced the vice principal, so everyone got out of their seats and headed into the school. "This pep rally is over."
The Quagmires, however, waited somewhere near the orphan shack for the Baudelaires to finally leave the athletic field. When they saw the Baudelaires enter their shack, they followed them into it.
"I just can't believe he fooled everyone again," they heard Violet say.
Duncan opened the door of the shack.
"Not everyone," he said. Isadora walked in before him and assured them with a couplet.
"Don't worry Baudelaires, don't feel disgrace
The Quagmire triplets are on the case."
Duncan then entered the shack, hoping to see even the slightest smile. Luckily, he did. He and Isadora received a really slight smile from Klaus and then Violet stated,
"You're kind and generous friends, but we can't let you get involved."
"Violet's right. Count Olaf is too dangerous," agreed Klaus.
"He's too dangerous for you to face alone," argued Duncan.
"We can run away, all of us," suggested Isadora. "Our parents own the famous Quagmire Sapphires, so when we come of age, we can live on our own."
"We're not of age yet," sighed Klaus, "Besides, we tried running away and ended up working in a lumber mill. Count Olaf still found us there." He looked towards a picture of many couples standing in front of a lumber mill. Isadora recognized the photo and stated,
"That's a picture of our parents."
"Our parents too," added Violet.
"They did know each other," said Klaus.
"We had this photo in our library. We never paid attention to it," explained Isadora.
"I bet there were other mysteries we never noticed," mentioned Duncan.
"Like a spyglass," suggested Violet.
"Or a book," Klaus said. "We just need to survive Count Olaf long enough to find it."
"The librarian said to check back in a day or so," reminded Duncan.
"We don't have a day or so. It's almost sundown," Violet explained to him.
There conversation was interrupted by a random student opening the shack door and placing a wooden board with a star containing the initials 'CS' onto the floor. Carmelita stood before them, with two students standing on each side of her as if they were bodyguards. Carmelita walked onto the wooden board and began to say,
"I'm here to deliver a special message to the Baudelaires."
The Baudelaires sighed and the Quagmires looked at her, still waiting to hear her silly message. Carmelita began to sing and tap dance,
"The sun is setting hooray, hooray
Coach Genghis sent me here to say
The Baudelaire orphans go to field...
And my name is Carmelita!"
"That doesn't rhyme," criticized Isadora.
"Only cake-sniffers care about poetic form!" Carmelita sighed angrily and stomped away. The student that opened the shack door ended the message by closing it.
"We'll figure this out, but for now, we have to go," said Violet. Duncan and Isadora gave them sympathetic smiles and exited the orphan shack they once lived in. The two triplets headed towards their broom closet. They each grabbed a pear, which was the only type of fruit that tasted fine, and entered their little closet. It was a difficult time for many people, but that is not in their control.