Oh baby don't cry anymore.
You know that they say,
that healing is sore.
TW: Mention of rape.
STERLING'S POV:
"You're fucking with me." I laugh, and he shakes his head as he sits in his desk chair throwing a ball in the air over and over only and he catches it every time.
"No I'm not." He smiles, looking at the ceiling. We finished up early today with the treehouse mostly because I was incredibly tired. Gemma left two days ago, and he definitely needed the distraction. He's very vocal about what he feels but it's easy to tell in my opinion.
"So animals hug each other just like humans?" I ask, and he nods his head, continuing to throw the ball. "Name some." I encourage, leaning back onto his bed as I stare.
"Elephants, all primate, not gorillas though. Panda. Pigs love to cuddle too. Dogs like to cuddle, but hugging them like you'd hug a human gives them a bit of anxiety. As for cats they enjoy it too, but only sometimes." He tells me, and I reach my hand over to Evie, petting the black and white cat who is curled up on his bed. She purrs, and pushes her head into my hand which only makes me smile. "Thought you didn't like cats?" He asks, and I stop petting her.
"Funny. I don't like cats, but I like yours. I don't like men, but I like you.. I guess we all slip up sometimes." I shrug, knowing I used to avoid every boy I came in contact with.
"How rude." He stops throwing the ball, and looks over to me.
"It's not rude, it's honest. Do you expect me to lie?" I ask, and smirk. He leans forward in the chair, pressing his elbows to his knees as he stares at me.
"I think I made a mistake inviting you over here." He smirks, and I thin my eyes.
"Oh really?" I raise my eyebrows at him, and he gives a single nod as he leans back into the chair, throwing the ball again. "Then I guess I'll just..." I stand up from the bed, and start walking to the door. "I'll see you tomorrow since I am no longer welcome he-" I start, but feel hands turning me around by my waist.
"I don't think so." I look up at him and hold my hands up, not touching him. I look down, and rest my hands on his forearms softly, knowing if he was uncomfortable he would tell me. He looks down on me. "I don't want to see you tomorrow. I want to see you right now baby." He takes the tip of his finger, and touches the tip of my nose.
"Why should I stay?" I challenge, and he leans forward, flipping my chin up
"Because I'm asking you nicely... Pretty please." He speaks softly, and I smile, watching his lips turn up into a soft smile. He leans forward softly, and kisses me just the same, making me smile as he does. "I need to shower, but you can stay in here while I do." He tells me softly, and I nod, moving back to the bed as he moves to his bathroom door. "I'll be quick." He promises, and I nod. I throw myself back down, lifting my phone up, going through instagram and passing the time as I hear the water running in his bathroom. About ten minutes passes, and the water turns off. He walks out with a towel around his waist, and then to me.
"Can you reach into that drawer and grab me a shirt, I forgot to grab one." He asks softly. I nod, and pull the drawer open. I grab a plain white shirt, and toss it towards him, watching him catch it. He closes the bathroom door again, and opens up the door once more, wearing sweats, and a shirt, his hair wet, and curling at the ends. I see him look at himself in the mirror. I turn to the side hearing his phone buzzing on his desk. "Can you grab that and just put it on speaker for me?" He asks. I get up, and slide on the call, putting it on speaker. The number wasn't one he had saved but I answer it anyway, and move back to the bed.
"H-Harry? Is that you?" I hear a girl's voice, and I look at the phone, but my attention leaves it as I hear something drop in the bathroom. I look and see him step in the door frame. He has panic, and pain within his eyes.
"Hang up.. Hang up the phone right now, hang up-" He panics, and I start moving to the phone but he gets there first.
"Harry, just.. It's Stephanie, please wait one second." She sounds like she's crying, and he pauses where he's standing. His thumb hangs over the end call button. I watch as his wet hair hangs in his face. His eyes are glossy, and wet but he sits there, holding the phone.
"Why are you calling me?" He asks through his teeth.
"Gemma lives on my hall at University Harry. She came to my room when she got back from visiting. You never told me you were moving... All the way to America." She speaks, and it sounds like she's crying. I don't know what to do at the moment, but I know what I feel. I feel confused, and I feel annoyed right now.
"I never told you a lot of things. We weren't speaking, why would I tell you that?" He whispers.
"You told... You told her about us.. How could you tell her something like that?" She wipes away the sadness in her tone as quickly as she brought it and now I'm mad.
"She's my sister." He clarifies.. " And you... You used me, you.. You took advantage of me, you.. Stephanie you assaulted me, and you raped me, and I wouldn't admit it before, but I'm admitting it now." His voice cracks a bit, and I feel tears prick my own eyes.
"You'd say that about the love we had? You'd say I did something as manipulative as that. You know what? I won't take it. You're the manipulative one. You knew I needed you for school so you coerced me into having sex with you.. It was you, not me.. You-"
"No I didn't.. No I didn't. I... I loved you, and you didn't.. You-" He's crying now, his breathing harsh, and picking up with every word he speaks.
"I see you have a girlfriend now too? Are you manipulating her the same? She'll do the same thing I did, and run away screaming especially now that you're telling lies like this. Gemma might have believed you but no one else will believe you, especially not the new girl. And after I actually talk to Gemma she'll believe me over you any day. It'll be far easier to convince people you did it to me. You're pathetic, and you're a liar, and you're breaking my heart with this." She starts crying, and I can feel the manipulation radiating off of her.
"No I didn't... I never did.. No I didn't-" He's crying harder now. His eyes are glossed over, and he starts crumbling in front of me. He can hardly breathe from what it looks like, and he's shaking too. I can tell he wishes to hold it in, but he can't do that either. She pulls out the absolute worst and I can see that. I stand up, and walk towards him as he presses his back to the wall, and slides down.
"Give me the phone now." I whisper crouching in front of him. He doesn't respond, he just lets go of the phone, and brings his hands to his head, tangling them into his hair. He hides his face as I take the phone and walk to the opposite side of the room. I move as far as I can because I know he doesn't need to hear her voice anymore, or what I'm about to say to her. I hear her crying on the other end of the call almost as if she's faking.
"Shut the fuck up now. You don't have to fake anymore." I snap at her.
"And who the fuck are you?" She stops crying instantly.
"I'm your worst fucking nightmare if you ever call this number again. The girlfriend you were talking about? Yeah that's me. I'm the girlfriend and I do know exactly what you did, and you better thank god or whatever the hell you believe that he's so sweet because if he wasn't I would report you, I would fly my damn self to England right now, and I would have the police on you so quick you wouldn't see it coming. You are-"
"You really believe this? You believe me, his girlfriend would do something like-"
"One in every ten rape victims is a man. A study conducted showed over 40,000 homes surveyed and 38% showed men receiving sexual assault and rape incidences. Would you like more or can I stop now? Your choice." I spit at her.
"Oh, so you're a freak just like him?" She scoffs.
"Yep, just like him. You're a volatile, disgusting excuse of a human, and I hope to god I never meet you because if I do, you won't be going to jail. You'll be going to the hospital, and I'll be the one going to jail. You will never call this number again, do you understand?" I spit into the phone.
"I don't have to-"
"I said do you fucking understand? I will book my fucking flight right now. You don't call again, you forget you knew him, and you never speak of this again. Not to Gemma, not to your roommates. Wipe it from your fucking mind. Move on with your fucking life, and let him do the same you pathetic bitch." I speak out, and the line goes dead.
I do the duty of blocking the number myself, knowing there's a chance she could call again. I don't want that to happen if I'm not here. I don't want him to have to experience that trauma again. He doesn't deserve that. I throw the phone on the bed, and turn back around to him, seeing him on the floor, his chest heaving up and down. His breathing isn't loud, but his chest is heavy. I move as quickly as I can towards him, crouching in front of him.
*play Angel by Kennedi*
"Hey, hey, I'm here now, she's not going to call you again." I speak softly, and he looks straight ahead, his knuckles white as he holds onto the roots of his hair tightly.
"No one will believe me.. She's... You believe her don't.. Don't you. I.."
"No. No, hey... I believe you. I know you. I know your heart. I don't give a fuck what she has to say. Gemma believes you. I believe you. Your parents will believe you if you ever feel comfortable telling them. Anyone else you tell they will believe you too, and if they don't then they're not worth any second of your time do you hear me?" I ask, trying to urge my words into him. It's so hard not being able to touch him. I want to grab his face, to make him look at me, but I refrain, keeping my hands to myself.
"You.. You're going to go away? Do you want to? I.. I know you might., You want to go, don't you? Don't you? I know you want to leave don't yo-"
"I don't-" His eyes are red, and when he looks up and makes eye contact. He looks panicked, and let's his eyes rest on mine.
"You can't... I don't want you to.. I-" He shakes his head, every word making his voice grow softer, and softer as he continues on.
"You can touch me right now.. If you need to, please touch me, you can do it if you need to, just please.. I'm not leaving, I want to be-" He moves forward, tucking his head under my chin, wrapping his arms around my waist. He holds me for his own protection. He holds me tight, and keeps his grip just the same on the back of my shirt. "It's okay. She can't hurt you anymore..." I speak softly to him. He never allowed me. He didn't say I could touch him but I can't let myself just sit here as he cries. I rest a hand on his back, and push the other into his hair. "I'm so sorry..." I speak softly, leaning my head down so he can hear me better.
"I'm pathetic... This is so pathetic, and stupid Ster. I hate this."
"Shhh.. I've got you, it's going to be alright.. We'll be alright it's fine.." I promise with my words.
"I hate myself for this.. For being like this sometimes I hate myself I-"
"Don't talk like that... Please, it's okay..." I speak softly. The man in my arms is kind, sweet... Almost angelic in his soft nature, and his way with words. His mannerisms, and the way he holds himself. I've got him. I'm not going to let go either.
"Do you think Gemma believes... Do you think she believes her?" He asks through his tears.
"I don't... I don't think she does because you're her brother, and she loves you very much.. She loves you more than words. Stephanie is nothing to her, and she is nothing to you.. She's just nothing.." I promise him with my words, and he takes a shaky breath. "I'm going to let go now.." I tell him as I move my arms off of him. He sits himself up, and moves back to the wall, pulling his knees up. He wipes his face, and turns it so he's not looking at me anymore.
"This is pathetic." He whispers, and I shake my head.
"It's not.. It's human... You're human, and you're not perfect, and you need to let go of the thought that you have to be because you don't. You don't have to be perfect. You don't have to keep it together. You can cry. You can cry in front of me right now or whenever you want." I cross my legs, and sit in front of him.
"You're my girlfriend.. I shouldn't be crying over my ex in front of you like this. I shouldn't be ruining our-"
"No. You're not ruining anything. You're not crying over her, you're crying over what she did, and you have every right to. She took something from you that you can't get back. I am your girlfriend, and I'll continue to be your girlfriend. Tears or not." I confirm, and put more force into my voice. Silence washes over us, and he closes his eyes, tilting his head upwards. He doesn't open them for a bit. He just sits there, and I do too, letting him have a moment to himself. He finally looks back down, and lets out a breath before locking his eyes with mine.
"Thank you.." He speaks softly.
"You don't have to thank-"
"No. I will thank you because after that I truly thought I'd never be able to find someone who was patient. Someone who would listen, and care, and try... I really didn't think I'd be in this position, but I am, and I'm.. I'm going to thank you for being the person I never thought I'd find." He tells me.
"There's going to be a lot of people in your life like this. Friends. Family. Girlfriends. There are good people.. You just have to find them."
"Come here.. Please come here." He speaks, and hearing him ask for me is something I'll never get used to but I move to him. I move between his legs, hugging my arms to his torso. He holds my head to his chest, and breathes out heavily.
"I'm here." I promise.
"Have I ever told you why I wanted to be a teacher... Why I turned down Harvard, or Yale?" He asks.
"No. I assumed you've always wanted to be a teacher.. That you turned them down a long time ago." I tell him, and I can feel him shaking his head.
"It was a recent decision... Happened around Christmas of last year after..." He lets his words fizzle out and I stay quiet.
"What made you choose teaching?" I ask softly.
"Because no one can take advantage of me there... If I am the teacher. If i'm the one that's in charge... No one can... No one can take that from me.. And I'd never take advantage of someone else either.. It's the perfect position for me to... to feel safe.. And to hopefully make others feel the same." He tells me.
"But it's not what you actually want?" I ask softly.
"No.. I mean yes.. Yes it's what I want now." He hesitates a bit, but stays there, arms wrapped around me.
"I love astronomy but I love astrology more.. I still want to go to college of course.. But I'd much rather take courses on Astrology after school so I can do that... I know I wouldn't make as much but I don't want to be an Astronomer, I want to be an Astrologer." I admit something to him that I've never spoken out loud.
"I know... I know that I'm smart, and that I love math, and chemistry, and all that.. But I love Shakespeare, and reading, and writing... I love to journal... I love to research, and write on what I find." He tells me.
"So do that... Harry, go to school for journalism. Go to school for something like that, you'd do amazing with-"
"How do you know I'd be amazing.. You've never heard anything I've written before." He laughs softly, and I push myself up.
"Read me something then..." I look at him, and he gives me a questioned look. "Not like a research paper or something like that.. Something else with feeling. Poetry, or free verse. A journal entry... If you're comfortable." I encourage him, and he only looks at me a few moments longer before standing up to go to his shelf. I watch him carefully, seeing him pull the text books to the side, and look behind them. He pulls out a stack of journals, and throws them on his bed, but picks up one in particular. It's a leatherbound journal, carving in it as well as a wrap that ties around it, seemingly keeping the thing together.
"Are you sure you want-"
"I'm positive... If you're comfortable with it then yes, I'd absolutely love to hear anything you've written." I tell him, picking myself up off of the floor. He opens the journal, and eyes me.
"A lot of them are about her... They're... They're complicated." He tells me, and I shrug.
"Share what you're comfortable with.." I coax him. He looks down at the open journal, taking a deep breath before opening his mouth to read what's on the page.
"If there was a price for emotion... There'd be none left from our greedy souls, looking for something to buy... Buy it for the ones we love, the ones who seem to never love us back. They hold our devotion but time and time again we fall into a pattern of hate... hating them, loathing them despite the love we know we carry for them.. Maybe that's why we hate them, because we can't. There's never a want for a battle. There's never a want for a fight, but without there's ignorance. There's silence, and if you don't fight, you end up in the cold, sleeping in the dirt, in the place you'd rather never be. They'll go out drinking, but we tend to think of her maybe him, maybe them...." He takes a pause, and looks up at me. I hope he can tell that I'm hanging onto every single word.
"There's hope then there's none. There's fights and then there's sun. It's a fine line between true love and true hatred. True devotion, and true anger. No vision in the tunnel whether there's really a light at the end or a dead end that leads to nowhere. We are the fine line... You're the sun, you're tempting, and delicate. Yet if I come to close I get burned by that fake but eternal sunshine. You'll never be ready, you'll never know when you're ready. A crisp trepidation shakes through our core, it envelopes us no matter if we want it or not. Our hands fold, the risk of exposition becoming more and more real, and raw. No matter how truthful we become, no matter how spread open we are to one another, there's only one way of knowing you. The way of touch. Skin on skin, hungry lips on timid ones. There's love, there's lust. There's seduction, temptation, hatred, and hurt.. There's a fine line... and that's what we've become." He finishes, and looks down on the white inked paper for a moment before closing the journal.
"What's it called?" I ask.
"Kept it simple. I call it Fine Line." He tells me.
"There's fine lines in every relationship we hold... They're all just different.. We're also a fine line don't you think?" I ask him, and he looks subtle in his appreciation but I know it's there.
"I think I can agree to that... We're the fine line between sanity and insanity... Half of the time you make me sane, but the other half I'm going mental over what to do with you... or over you.. Protecting you, helping you, but knowing I can't... I assume you feel the same." He tells me, and I nod my head.
"That was beautiful... It was amazing. If you're that good, and you're that passionate about something, you can't let energy like that go to waste... You're too good to waste it." I tell him, staying where I am.
"It's turned into a hobby. That's all it's going to be. I'll be a teacher. I'll help kids.. And I'll be happy doing it." He nods his head to me, and I just look at him blankly. "Don't give me that look."
"What look?" I ask.
"The look where you feel bad for me, and you're looking at me like I'm some beaten down puppy dog. This is just a choice I've made. A choice that I'm happy about making too. I think I'd make a decent teacher." He smiles.
"I think you'd make an amazing teacher. I think you'd be a bit arrogant sometimes, given that Aquarius nature.. But I think you'd be a phenomenal teacher. I just want you to be happy." I admit, and he shifts his weight, turning towards me fully. He walks forward as I sit on his bed, and he moves to stand between my knees, moving my face up so I'm looking at him. He cradles my face softly, and gives a warm smile.
"You make me happy. Right now shouldn't that be enough?" He asks, and his eyes are still rimmed with red from earlier. It's obvious he had been crying to me. It's obvious he's masking that pain right now too. Part of me doesn't want to leave him tonight at all, but I know I have to. I don't want to push him, nor upset him so all I do is nod.. Because he does seem to be happy around me, I just wish I knew what was going on in his head at all times so I could really understand him.
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A/N: okay I know this was a lot BUT!!! But this was a big chapter for Harry.
He stood up to his offender, and he admitted what actually happened. He accepted it which shows a lot. I'm really proud of him.
I'm so proud.
I love all of you!! Thank you for 250K!!
Also... more sadness to come sorry(:
*virtual hugs* see you soon!