Oh. My. God. The response on the last chapter, you guys are incredible, i love y'all sm 😭 i read and cherish every comment, i was literally smiling from ear to ear, thank you thank you thank you 🥰
—————
You watched Philip walk out the door with your stupidest dumbfounded face. As soon as he was out, you regretted everything you said, every word replayed in your head and for every word you wanted to punch yourself. It wasn't on purpose, you didn't mean to imply that he was a slut, he isn't, you don't think that, but in the moment you had to say something, and he took you by surprise, and words just stumbled out of you carelessly, and you hurt him.
Your hands ran through your hair, still processing everything he said and everything you said, you took a few steps to the door, suddenly realizing you couldn't just leave stuff like this, you stopped near the stairs when you heard the loud screeching of tires and the rumbling engine, you didn't need to walk out to know that was Philip.
He must've been so angry at you, and you couldn't blame him, yes you didn't owe him anything, but he wasn't wrong, he had been so good to you, and you had welcomed it more than happy, he let you cry on his chest, he dumped one of his old friends to be with you, he asked about Star Wars even though he didn't know a thing, but he knew it would make you smile, and it did.
Stupid fucking dumb bitch, you're a fucking idiot you dumb motherfucker fuck fuck FUCK!
-Hey...-
You turned to look up, at the top of the stairs stood Horry, one hand on the reel, he looked down at you with worry, his anger gone since he probably heard everything Philip said.
With a sigh you slumped down to sit at the bottom steps, you heard him walk down and sit next to you, your hands cupped your face, your emotions still mixed as you thought his were as well when he didn't say anything.
Your Monday had gone from worrying about Nick's outburst on your possessions to waiting for Philip to get back home, you tried calling twice, after the second time going to voicemail you thought maybe it'll be better to give it a little time, and during that time, you went through the trouble of going through everything you should've said instead.
***
The morning after that, as you were leaving for work, you turned to close the door, and when you turned back, the black Porsche stopped in front of Philip's house, he took off his sunglasses before stepping out of the car and that's when he saw you.
His face was blank, you held his gaze, deciding whether or not you should say something, last time you didn't know what to say it only made things worse. He didn't look your way for too long, he simply shoved his hands on his pockets and turned, walking up the entrance to the house.
You sighed at yourself, an walked to work thinking what you were going to do, how would you get him to forgive you.
-Morning!- Erica smiled at you from the register when you walked in.
-Hey- you said, sighing again.
-What's up?- she asked casually.
You didn't want to bother Erica with all of your drama, but you also needed someone to talk to, you needed someone to see it from the outside, let you know what you were clearly missing.
-Well...do you have time?- you rubbed your temples, leaning against the counter.
-Shoot.- she said, crossing her arms with a small smile.
Erica didn't even know the half of it, you wondered if you really should tell her everything.
-I don't even know where to start...-
-How about the beginning?-
You looked at her, almost with pity at the long story she was about to hear, you were about to ramble, so you took a deep breath and cocked a brow.
-Okay...-
And you told her everything, how you knew Philip from childhood, how you two just kinda became a thing, but not really, because you thought it was just sex, how he punched Nick, how he would lift your mood up when you were down, how he offered you to stay the other night and made sure you ate, how he tried and succeeded to lift your mood, the few little times he seemed to open up to you.
In the process of telling her the events of the last almost two months of your life, you started to realize what Philip was seeing. You understood that those small moments you thought you were just harmlessly crushing about him were a little bit more than that, and most importantly, he had those moments as well.
The only difference really was that you pushed those moments away because you assumed Philip's character, when on the other hand, he embraced them and wanted to make more.
Once again you genuinely cursed yourself in three different languages at how many clear signs you hadn't noticed, like how amazed he looked when you put his brothers on place, or when he told you he had fun the morning after the bar, giving you his soft eyes, he didn't mean the sex, he meant the actual night, your company. Or just the day before when he had told you you were amazing, of course it wasn't because of some fucking popcorn, he actually meant it. Now it was just embarrassing.
-Wow...- Erica said slowly- Okay first of all, I'm glad you left Nick he seems like a total asshole.- you huffed a laugh- And second, I thought you said it was only infatuation?-
-Yes! At least that's what it was supposed to be...-
-So...do you like him too?- she asked, but it sounded like she wanted to affirm.
You looked down at your fidgeting hands, thinking. You remembered when he cuddled you the other night, how you thought about if your dad would've liked him, and you thought about how much you hated that you hurt him, how much you wanted him to know that wasn't how you really thought about him, you thought about him with a smile on your face, or a laugh, because he always makes you laugh, you think about the way he looks at you, like he wants to take in every line and curve, how he apologizes when he says something he shouldn't or how he never called you pigtails ever again.
-Yeah...i do like him...- your brows frowned softly.
Erica's smile extended, a knowing look in her eyes, to her it must've been so obvious that you were hooked on him since the moment it begun, you could feel how badly she wanted to say she told you so, and she had every fucking right.
-But...i told him really horrible things...things i didn't mean, i don't know if he wants to talk to me...- your voice grew quiet.
He looked so mad, and hurt, he said he thought you weren't like his family, he thought everyone saw him like that, you didn't want him to feel that way, he was so much more, he was sweet and fun, and sometimes he could be a little like a child but you actually liked that, and he was also caring.
-Well, that doesn't change the fact that you should...or that you want to, right?-
Your head tilted from side to side.
-Yeah, you're right...-
After that Louie came in to start the day, you would be lying if you said you didn't feel a tinge of nervousness when you saw him, you still felt bad about letting him down, but you tried your best and worked as efficiently as you could. Meanwhile your mind swirled emotions and thoughts around, you felt that sparkle of happiness you get when you realize you like someone, that feeling that makes you blush and smile like a shy little girl in a movie, but what would be great is if you had realized it before you told Philip all those awful implications. You thought about how you could fix it, the very first step was to apologize, you went through a few small speech options in your head until your day was almost done.
Deep breaths, you can do this, just apologize.
Yes because that will be enough, you called him a whore but hey! I'm sorry.
You shook your head walking through town, you didn't know if it'll be enough, you just knew that you had to ask him to forgive you, and that you wanted him, as much as he wanted you, because he had said so.
He wants you.
Another sigh, this time a bit nervous, escaped your lips at the thought of it, Philip Altman wanted you, you had to bite your lip and stop yourself from thinking about it, about dating him, getting to hug and kiss him whenever you pleased without wondering if it was a bit too intimate for an affair type of thing, have him over for lunch, maybe even cooking lunch together, although you weren't sure if he knew how to cook, if he did that would only make him about a hundred percent hotter.
By the time you came back to reality, you found yourself at the sidewalk in front of his house. First, you had to apologize.
You knew he was home, the Porsche was still parked where he left it this morning, so you walked forward to the entrance, and rang the doorbell, your leg bouncing in anticipation. When you heard the handle from the door turned your breath caught in your throat and you looked up, meeting Philip's eyes as he opened the door.
-Hey...- you said immediately.
His lips pressed together, and his stance shifted a bit.
-Hi.- he said bluntly, the blankness on his face foreign and uneasy to you.
You stood there, thinking of where to start, suddenly you were too preoccupied with looking at him, as if the little time since you last saw him this up close had been a year, he was almost as broad and tall as the door, which now was half open since you said hey, a clear sign that he wasn't too thrilled on having a conversation with you, this fed to the pressure of guilt in your chest and the nerves on your stomach.
-Um...- you started, tightening your jaw and blinking, before swallowing once- I just...i came here to apologize. I don't know why i said the things i said...I didn't, I don't mean them. I don't think you're a slut or a whore i really don't, in fact i feel like the derogatory meaning put into those words is just an awful way to make women feel bad for simply having an active sexual life...-
What the fuck are you talking about?
Philip's lips pressed together tighter before he took a hard, clearly uneasy, breath, and you forced yourself to stop.
-I...it doesn't matter, what I'm saying is, I'm sorry.- he looked down at you again- It wasn't nice nor fair of me to just assume that you would never want me for more than just sex, and i just wanted you to know that. You have been really nice to me and you've been there for me even though you didn't have to, and...-
Here goes nothing...
-And i like you too...- you swallowed when he stood straighter- And i do want something more...-
That came out a bit quieter, you felt your heartbeat picking up at the realization and the reality of telling him out loud, you looked up at him with hopeful eyes, you were just waiting for his decision, you hoped it was enough.
Thing is, he was taking a bit too long to answer, and your nerves were boiling, his gaze fell and his breathing was slow, he bit the inside of his cheek and a part of you told you that wasn't good.
-There's something you should know...- he said, finally.
Your stomach tightened, that wasn't exactly between the answers you had prepared yourself for him to give you, your brows furrowed. He looked uncomfortable, his eyes twitching and his jaw tightened like he was struggling to get the words out, almost like he was forcing them.
-I saw Chelsea, yesterday...- he gulped, and his gaze drifted to the side.
His tone and his choice of words told you everything you needed to know, he looked at you again, his eyes expressed regret, like he knew what he had done wasn't good but he did it anyways and now realizes he shouldn't have.
You were at loss for words, it wasn't cheating but fuck it sure felt like it, and with Chelsea, out of aaall the ex girlfriends, Chelsea. You had felt so bad about what you said, about the way you had thought about him like he was a fuckboy, and yet here you were, maybe he wanted you, but now you knew he didn't want you.
-So...the one thing you said you wouldn't do, the thing I'm coming here to apologize for implicating you would do...you did it.-
-We didn't...it wasn't...- he shook his head, you didn't care, you didn't want to know.
Chelsea's words rang through your mind.
"We were really all over each other, could barely contain ourselves when we were together..."
-Did you go see her yes or no.- frustration could be heard in your voice, but it was highly overshadowed by hurt.
There was a beat of silence.
-Yes, i did...-
He doesn't want me.
You looked away, pursing your lips and biting your cheek to contain anger and tears.
Don't cry don't cry don't cry don't cry
-I'm sorry...- he had the nerve to say.
You huffed an ironic laugh, you came here to apologize and now he was the one saying sorry, how fucking great, and yet so fucking hard to believe, how could he want to actually be with you when he went an fucked his ex right after telling you. Maybe he didn't actually fuck her, but still you knew that was his only intention when he saw her.
-I can't believe...I can't believe I thought...- you took a deep harsh breath.
I thought you liked me.
When you finally turned to face him, you felt the prickling of small tears.
I thought you cared about me.
-You know what? It doesn't matter...- you shrugged.
It didn't matter, why would it? It wasn't like he could take back what he did, you wondered if he actually wanted to, your conscience told you "no."
You stood there, clutching your bag tightly over your shoulder, looking down briefly before looking up at him again, his brow fallen, his lips parted and slightly curled down, but he didn't do or say anything.
-Bye Philip...- your voice came softly before you turned on your heel and walked away.
When you crossed the street you heard the faint sound of his door closing, of course he didn't go after you. As you fumbled with your keys your eyes welled up and you wiped them with the back of your hand, sniffing as you felt a sob on your throat, you were not in the mood to explain to your mom and Horry your tears.
You felt stupid for crying, had you really gotten your hopes that high in the little time since you understood you liked him as well that the turn down hurt bad enough to cry like this?
You really did need a break, you had come here for a break, so that would make it a break from the break. That was stupid as well, what you meant was you needed a break from the drama that had grown from your life since you left Chicago, mostly surrounding men.
Luckily you contained yourself enough to go through dinner, which consisted of a probably unhealthy amount of fettuccine alfredo, barely noticing your mom's slightly concerned look. You found yourself disappointed when you saw you didn't have any ice cream, instead you went for a shower, although the two didn't compare at all.
Once in the shower, you were reminded of last weekend, when you were straddling a naked Philip in his tub, kissing him so slow, each of you just savoring the moment, and again you felt like crying, this time you did, after all who would judge you in the shower except yourself. Quiet but heavy tears streamed down your face and mixed with the hot water.
Thoughts of him and Chelsea flooded your mind when you went back to what he had said, thoughts of them in her apartment, probably decorated like a fucking Pinterest minimalistic decor picture. You thought back to this morning, when you saw him step out of his car, your mind couldn't help but to jump to conclusions, had he spent the night? You tried remembering if he had the same clothes on as the day before, but you couldn't.
Images of her thin but long legs wrapping around his waist took place in your brain next, her being held by Philip as she moaned in his ear and pulled his hair, calling him cupcake.
Your lip curled down in disgust at the thought, Chelsea's words ringing on your ears again.
Too bad he had to settle for less...
You had gotten into this knowing (thinking) you wouldn't get played, and you still did. To be fair, you felt dumb for thinking it wouldn't happen. What did you think was gonna happen? That you'd be the one to change who he had been since high school, that he'd hug you and kiss you and twirl you around from happiness and everything would be fine?
Things were never that simple, As you crawled, or better said dragged yourself, into bed, you rubbed your hands over your face, feeling stupid, and confused, you wished you still had dad's hoodie to snuggle to and fall asleep, or Philip's green shirt that fit you almost like a dress, or Philip himself for that matter. You forced yourself to get that thought out of your head, and instead fell asleep to your half empty bed.
——————
A/N
https://youtu.be/Gne8o_hfPuQ