May
Friday
The following day in the morning, Sihle arrived where Zinzi and I were sitting, joining us.
"Zinzis, I haven't seen you in a while," he said to Zinzi, and she just chuckled. My best friend can't really hide a secret. It was tough when I had to make her and Jabu keep my secret. Now the secret is out, so they are free from my chains, well, except the 1 big secret. Karabo broke my virginity, that's the secret they have to take to their graves.
"Yeah, I saw you on Tuesday coming from the libr..." I looked at her shaking my head, and she stopped talking. She realised I didn't want her to bring that up, the exact topic Sihle and I don't want to talk about. "Oh, I just remembered, I have to go to the library and find this book," she finished by changing her statement, pointing to a textbook she is holding. Sihle just smiled like he knew she was nervous. She waved her hand to me and then left.
"She looks jumpy, you already told her?" he asked, referring to us having sex last night.
"She's my best friend, I had to," I responded.
"Did she know you weren't a virgin?" he asked, and I didn't know how to respond to that. "Of course, she knew, she's your best friend," he answered himself, and I just smiled and gave him a baby kiss. "Here, buy the morning after pills after school, you have to take them before tomorrow," he finished, giving me 200 bucks.
"Thanks," I said, as I shove the money in my backpack side pocket. "I'm sorry about the way I reacted last night, I was just scared," I said, remembering I reacted so bad last night, I treated Sihle like a kid.
"No, it's okay, I was also just excited I forgot to pull out so... And you are right, we are not ready for a kid I should always be careful," he said, I was glad he took it that way.
"So, did you cancel the bookings at the hotel?" I asked.
"Not really, the fee is expensive, so I just postponed it to June 21st, we will both be done with the exam then. It will be like a mid year's pen's down," he said. "It's a good thing they allowed us to postpone the date; otherwise we were going to lose 50% by cancelling. I will definitely buy a lot of condoms for that day," he continued, and I just laughed.
June
Sihle and I were now officially back together. We were a happy couple that became the it-couple to our friends. Having sex was now part of our lives, and it was good because he was getting good at it.
Days went by, and the last day of class arrived. The squad and I had completed our Chemistry group work, so we submitted it. We decided to form a study group for the exam, all of us and other students joined the group. And obviously, Karabo was part of it too.
Since the word went out that Sihle and I sealed the virginity deal, and as everyone now knows we are dating, Karabo backed up a little. He was no longer paying attention to me, and it was nice, but I sometimes miss him.
The exams arrived, and Sihle and I were lucky we had a few days before our first paper.
The other day, while taking a break from studying, we decided to chill at the library loans. We talked a bit about school and then about our friends and their stories. He told me about Jabu, what he was like at high school, they weren't friends back then, but he said Jabu was one of the nicest guys.
"His ex-girlfriend?" I asked, referring to the UJ girl.
"She was okay, but she wasn't good for him. Mostly we will think she was using him for his maths skills, but well, I guess she gained coz she passed her matric well," he responded as I lay down with my head on his lap facing the cold sky.
"Did she love him?"
"I don't think so, but I think she did now, and Jabu doesn't anymore. He loved her very much back then, though."
"I guess Zinzi is safe coz she was worried she was going to lose him again,"
"Zinzi is cool, Jabu is crazy about her," he said, and I smiled. He talked about the other guys, but well, I still didn't know them much to know their story, so I just listened though I wasn't interested.
"Oh, and Karabo," he said, waking me from my 'was not listening' self. I wasn't sure if I wanted to hear Karabo's story as I have already heard his from himself and I didn't want to erase that coz that was the one thing I was holding on to believe Karabo has a heart.
"Yeah," I said, hiding my interest and curiosity.
"His mother died while he was still in high school, his story is sad coz his dad married a new younger wife right after his mother died," he said, making Karabo's story sadder.
"Oh shame, I didn't know," I said although I knew about his mother's passing, I didn't know his father got remarried immediately.
"When I hear from people who know him, they say it changed him, he started becoming wildly and became a drug addict, ending up running away from home with some older guys and older women."
"How did he come back to himself?"
"His big brother took him. I think they say he has lost his whole academic year, but he finally came back and stayed with his big brother's family."
"I didn't know Karabo was a drug addict," I said, still surprised from the story.
"No one knows not even Jabu, and he doesn't know I know so don't tell anyone."
"Yeah, I won't tell. And the car, his brother bought him?"
"Yes, his brother promised him a car if he stops his crazy life and finish high school, so he did and got a car," he said, sounding a bit jealous.
"Some of us just got flowers," I added, acting jealous too. "But his story is sad though, he has gone through a lot," I continued.
"I know you don't like him that much, but now you can understand why I think his attitude isn't all his fault. He is still trying to be a good guy as you can see he is still crazy, but he is trying," Sihle said, putting a good word for his friend, only if he knew.
"Yeah, I won't be that hard on him next time," I said, and I just laughed inside on my own inside joke.
"Other than all that, I hope the rumours about him being infected with HIV are not true. I mean he is still..." he couldn't finish. My heart stopped when I heard the word HIV, and while he attempts to continue with his statement, I just wanted to confirm if I heard it correctly.
"What?" I felt myself asking, jumping from his lap and sitting facing him. Karabo can't be HIV positive, he just can't coz if he is, I am too and so is Sihle.
"It was just a rumour maybe it was a lie that's why I never told anyone even Jabu."
"Where are you even getting this?"
"My sister knows some girls who went to high school with him so..."
"Okay. Are you sure about the HIV rumour? Do you think it's true?" I asked, my heart was up in my throat.
"I don't know, maybe it's true or not but that's none of our business. Why are you even more concerned about Karabo's life, he ran away from home with old crazy women who knows what he got from them other than drugs," he responded.
"I need to go; I forgot I had to go get a book at the library. I will see you later," I said already taking off, I couldn't wait any longer, I had to know the truth from himself, I need to see Karabo.
"Now? I thought we were still chilling; I can come with you," he said.
"No, go back to study, I will join you later," I stopped him, and he just nodded unsurely.
I started rushing to the library building, just anywhere far where Sihle can't see me. I took my phone out and called Karabo; my calls didn't go through. I went to the study room where we sometimes use for the study group, but there were few people in, and he wasn't there.
Where can I find this guy, I asked myself. I went into Facebook, although I am not very active on social media, I do open Facebook sometimes. I searched for Karabo, and his wall hasn't been active since the beginning of the year, he is also not active. I sent him a message, telling him I have been trying to call him.
I ended up studying by myself in my room. I couldn't go back to the library. I told Sihle I will see him later. I spent my studying time thinking about how sick I might be. To me, it was no longer might; I was already sick. I thought of the symptoms I might have since meeting Karabo, but I met Karabo not long ago so the symptoms might not be showing yet.
I spent most of my time googling everything about HIV, the symptoms, the treatment, all that stuff. I cried to myself; I can't be HIV positive, I'm too young to go through something like that, the treatment, I will never have time to follow each detail of it.
My sister called me right while I was paging my bible. We talked while she asked me about my day. Now I see the importance of her advice about always using a condom. I swear at that moment to myself that I will never have sex without a condom, it doesn't matter with who, but whoever it will be, which was probably Sihle for the rest of my life, sex will always be with a condom until we are older.
"Did Sean bother you again?" she asked while we continue with our conversation.
"No. I haven't seen him since that day; maybe he won't do it again," I guessed.
"Well, I saw Brandon yesterday, I asked him to talk to him, maybe he did," she said.
"Thanks for that. How is Brandon though?"
"He is doing okay, I guess; Katie's family came to take her other stuff."
"Is he going to move out?"
"No, he's never going to move. I think he likes it here."
"How about you, how are you?"
"I'm doing okay, always dodging him. I might as well be the one to move out. I always feel guilty when I see him."
"I can understand, but you love that place, and it wasn't all your fault."
"It doesn't matter now whose fault it was, the damages have been done. And I can always find a new place to like," she said, and I agreed. We finished talking, and I continued with my bible.
Henson finally called me too, since I left him at the library 3 weeks ago, we haven't talked.
"How are things with your boyfriend?" he asked.
"Things are going well, he has forgiven me, so I got to be good for him."
"That's good I guess," he said, sounding jealous.
"You guess? Is definitely good."
"Not for me, though. I hated the feeling of watching you walk away from me that day, that's when I realised I love you."
"What, where is this coming from? After three weeks?"
"I don't know, but it's happening, I think about you all the time."
"And you telling me now coz?"
"Well, I couldn't tell you all these past days because I was still focusing on my paper. I submitted it now."
"Well, I have an exam to focus on too so no no, you can't tell me that. You can't love me. You have a girlfriend."
"Who is miles away Tshedza, she is miles away, obviously she's my girlfriend just in paper but you, I'm falling for you every day."
"Henson please, you can't do this to me, things are going well with my boyfriend I can't cheat on him again. The past weeks have been good for me when we were not talking so, please, let's just stay like that, we can't see each other anymore."
"You don't even want to see me anymore?"
"Please, is the only way for us to forget about each other."
"Wow, maybe you are right, maybe is not love that I'm feeling, I guess this is goodbye," he said, sadly.
"Bye. I got to go," I said and slowly hanged up the phone, I didn't want to hear another word from him. It was hard, but I had to do it, I love Sihle now, the moment he forgave me even after finding out I wasn't a virgin, I realised he was mine, I realised it was him for me. Right now, I just need to clear out one problem, my HIV status.
I continued with going through the HIV stuff, how I can have my own child even if I'm HIV positive. I mean if I'm going to die, the one thing I would want to leave in this world, is my child, I must leave my family with at least a reminder. If I'm positive, Sihle will be positive too, we just marry each other and have our healthy babies, leave our marks in this world.
But some people are living for more than 15 years with the virus. I hope I become like them. I hope my system is strong enough to go that long with the virus. What am I saying, already thinking like I'm HIV positive, I thought, judging my crazy thoughts.