AN:
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Warning:
This chapter will contain depression and self-blaming that will be triggering for some people.
***
I lie on my bed and sigh, staring at the ceiling of my bedroom. Today has been a long day, but it ends well.
Nevertheless, I can't help but think about my conversation with Lais earlier. It makes me restless that I can't sleep.
Best friends?
Is there any such thing? I've never become best friends with a girl. That's like an alien term, never in my dictionary.
I've done 'friends with benefits' countless times, but best friends?
Hearing how much Lais cared for me has made me say funny things. And seeing her genuine smile has made me feel like anything else didn't matter.
I know that I care about her, but I just didn't expect that I'd care about her this much.
Another sigh leaves my lips. Having the vision of her smiling with happy tears sounds like a good idea before bed, so I close my eyes to sleep, lying on my side.
My heart is beating fast, but warmth is sipping right through me.
Is this how you feel when you really like someone? When you really care about her?
I can feel my body tense, my brows furrowing, a frown touching my lips.
Do I deserve this? To be cared for by a girl just as much?
Darkness is all around me. I'm walking, blindly, feeling my legs moving on their own.
Where the hell am I?
"Jake..." I hear a voice and turn around.
And there, before me, I see Lais. Her pretty smile forms on her lips.
"Thank you," she whispers, a happy tear escaping from the corner of her eye.
And I've never felt bliss and contentment so deep in my heart, a smile touching my lips as I stare at that beautiful sight.
The darkness begins to fade, replaced by a light coming through.
But then, it stops. Lais' eyes turn sad. Her once tears of joy are now replaced by sobs.
She's crying, and that sight pains me to the core. I can't even move, still struck by the sudden change.
"How--how could you do this to me, Jake?" She chokes, staring at me with tears streaming down her face, and I freeze, fear engulfing me.
It isn't her voice. It's different. Like a fraction. It's the one I've been hearing in my nightmares.
Everything around me begins to turn dark again, even darker than before. Until I can't see Lais again.
No. No. No. Please, stop.
I don't want to see it now. Not when I was with her.
The cries echo again in my ears. It's so clear, louder than the beats of my heart, which feels like exploding out of my chest.
"It hurts, Jake!" that voice rings again. But instead of whispering, the owner of the voice is now shouting, reminding me of the sin that I've committed.
I cover my ears with my hands, hoping that she will leave me alone, but I can still hear her. I can still hear her cries.
To my horror, I feel my neck wrapped by that pair of arms again, and something wet drops onto it. It's her tears.
Her sobs are so close and feel so real, to the point that it almost feels like I'm sobbing myself. I feel like falling to the bottom of an endless pit, so I hold on to her, my hand shaking as I feel them gripping her body.
And before I know it, I'm pounding into her, just like that night.
Mercilessly. With such cruelty.
Meanwhile, her sobs are getting louder and louder.
Then suddenly, I stop. This makes me taken aback. I did stop.
I can feel my hands cupping her cheeks, and when I look up, I freeze.
Because now, for the first time in my nightmares, I can see. Not only hear and feel. The girl is looking down, still crying, and I can't see her face.
Slowly, I lift her head so that she can face me.
And that's when blinding light consumes everything.
I sit up on my bed, panting. The sound of birds chirping fills my ears, and I know that morning has come.
I just had a nightmare. Again.
I stare down at my hands, which are shaking uncontrollably, and I bury my face in them. What have I done?
Is this the punishment because I've gone out of the boundary? How dare I forget who I really am? I'm a monster.
I don't deserve Lais' affection.
I don't deserve to be happy.
How could I, when that girl has been ruined by me?
My lips tremble, and a soft cry leaves them. That's when the doorbell rings.
Who could that be?
Slowly, I get up from my bed and wear my t-shirt before trudging downstairs, still trying to compose myself after having that nightmare again.
It's even worse than before.
When I open the front door, a girl is standing before me. I squint at her, trying to remember her name, because I can still remember her face and figure.
She has a shoulder-length black hair and chocolate eyes, dressed in a body-fitting peach shirt dress that accentuates her curves.
Then the name pops up in my head.
Vicky. One of the girls that I've fucked.
"Morning, Jake." She smiles, her voice soft. "I'm sorry that I didn't let you know beforehand that I was coming, but a surprise for the weekend isn't that bad, is it?" she teases.
"How?" I ask.
She shrugs. "Liam told me where you live."
Then she stares at me again before leaning closer to me, touching my chest.
"Come on, I missed you. How come you never answered my calls anymore, knowing we're in the same town now? Didn't you miss me too?" Her last sentence is barely a whisper, her breath tickling the skin on my neck.
The voice of the girl from my nightmare still echoes in my ear, "It hurts."
The cure to my death has come right before me, just when I need it.
"Of course." A smile touches my lips, making her eye me with a hopeful expression. "I missed you too, Vicky. I'm sorry. I've been busy with work."
I pull her closer to me, circling my arms around her waist.
She smiles, her fingers brushing across my cheek as she stares at me dreamily. And before I know it, our lips meet.
I look at the gourmet gift box in my hands after stepping out of the cab, a soft giggle escaping my lips. I've always wanted to cook for Jake, and now is just the perfect time to do it.
Earlier in my apartment, I prepared this box of savory snacks, which include buffalo chicken bread, mini tostadas and corn dog muffins.
This is not much, and I know that he's used to eating expensive foods, but I hope that he'll enjoy this homecooked meals.
I still remember our conversation yesterday, in which he asked us to be best friends.
"Well then, would you mind if I send you something to your house over the weekend?" I asked him. "Just think of it as a...thank you gift." I smiled, remembering how he'd saved me and risked himself for me.
He stared at me in surprise, and I could even see the excitement in his eyes. "What gift?"
I chuckled. "It's a secret."
He scrutinized me before a big smile crept on his lips. "Well then, I'll be waiting for it. I'll send you the address."
Little did he know that I would be coming here to bring it myself. Since I've cooked the meals, it would be fun if we can eat them together for breakfast, wouldn't it?
I want to thank him after what happened with Mark. I want to thank him for being there for me, for saving me.
He has helped me during difficult times.
My heart feels warm at that thought, and I stare again at the gourmet box. Will he like it?
I glance at the location he sent me on my phone and look around. His house should be around here.
While I'm walking down the pavement, I spot him step out of his house.
But a girl is standing in front of him. Abruptly, I stop in my track.
I watch as they talk, and then, my eyes widen as I see him kissing with her.
Turning on my heels, I walk back to the other direction. My heart is beating so fast.
What am I doing?
Clearly, I can't go in there while he's making out with that girl. That will be so damn awkward.
While my thoughts are still playing with my mind, I turn around the corner of the street, and that's when a bicycle speeds pass me, accidentally knocking my arm that I drop the box I'm holding.
I stare in disbelief, watching as the dishes I've prepared for hours scatter on the ground. Ruined.
Slowly, I bend down to pick them up, but it's useless. Again, what am I doing?
Something falls onto my cheek, startling me. Something wet and warm. My hand shoots to it, and I find myself shedding a tear.
Why am I crying?
It surprises me even more that while the sight of the ruined gift is right here before me, all I can see is the image of Jake kissing with the girl.
Why am I surprised? Have I not told myself before that he's a player?
Right. Even the girl is different from the one that I saw in the club.
I place my hand on my chest. What am I feeling? I shouldn't feel like this toward a friend.
Even a best friend shouldn't feel like this. Yes, we're just friends.
Nothing more.