I finally discovered the 'secret' party was for Colonel Sink. Apparently, it was his birthday but after he came into the mess hall to thank everyone for this surprise celebration, he explained he was being called away on important business but to celebrate without him as the food and alcohol shouldn't go to waste. Everyone was more than happy to oblige, raising their drinks to toast him as he took his leave.
Darla and I arrived at the loud and crowded room where the swing music was blaring and everyone was already drinking. I scanned the crowds as Darla wrapped her arm in mine. I saw the other girls scattered around the room.
Anne was talking to Grant in the dark corner of the room. She seemed really happy as her smile widened at him as she laughed at his jokes. The way he was gazing at her, I would have grown weak in the knees. If the war hadn't brought all of us together, and if they met in other circumstances, they would have been quite happy in life.
Charlotte was dancing with Luz as he was cracking jokes to make her laugh, which could be heard occasionally over the music. I always thought those two were great together. Even though Charlotte was like our conscious voice, she was fun to be around and Luz ate up her playful side like his life depended on it.
I spotted Sarah drinking with Gordon, Guarnere, and Toye, at the bar and struggling to keep up. I worried about how this night of drinking would impact her in the morning, especially considering she was so much younger than the rest of us. I wasn't even sure she had ever had a drink before tonight.
Darla whispered into my ear, "I'm going to get a drink. You should try and have fun!"
I nodded to her as she headed to the bar. As she approached the bar, several men walked up to her, smiling wide, and offering to get her a drink. They immediately jumped into conversations with Darla and I was left feeling like I didn't belong.
Awkwardly, I decided to walk across the room to get something to drink as instructed by Darla. On my way across the room, I was stopped by Webster, who was smiling wide as he darted out in front of me. He exclaimed happily, his voice slightly slurred, "You came! This is great! Here, have a seat!" He motioned to an empty chair next to a bunch of men I didn't know. I glanced at Webster as he smiled, pulling another chair over to sit next to me. Some more men from the Division came to stand around us. I smiled, clearly uncomfortable in this scene. I didn't know how to react in these sorts of situations.
Webster asked, breaking the growing awkward silence, "Do you want a drink?" I nodded and he replied, "I'll be right back."
My eyes followed him as he walked away, leaving me alone with these men I didn't know. I smiled at them, trying to relax as Darla instructed me but I couldn't. I think the men realized I wasn't comfortable around them because they got up and started to socialize with the other girls.
Webster returned with my drink, setting it down on the table. He must have seen my discomfort because he asked as he sat down, "You okay? You seem a little shaken."
I nodded, motioning around the room as I admitted, "I'm just not used to this." I picked up my foamy drink, smelling the hoppy aroma. I inhaled deeply before I took a swig.
He nodded in understanding. "It's tough, I know," he said, swallowing a gulp of beer, "Especially when you're kind of like the third wheel."
"Third wheel?" I repeated in honest confusion, nearly choking on my drink. What could he possibly mean by that, I wondered.
He gulped his beer again, stating, "I mean...don't misunderstand me but you're nothing like the other nurses." His eyes drifted over and lingered on the girls who were being flirty, fun, and dancing the night away with the men. I looked down at my hands I folded in my lap, knowing he was right. He turned his gaze back to me, realizing what he insinuated, and quickly added, "That's not a bad thing!"
I met his gaze, staring at him in disbelief. "How can that not be a bad thing? I mean," I glanced back over to the girls, "I'm nothing like them, Web."
He reached forward, placing a warm hand over mine. "I know," he confessed, "That's what makes you, you."
The realization hit me like a ton of bricks. I asked the question I didn't really want the answer to but asked anyway, "What about the others?"
He cocked his head at me confused. "What do you mean? What others?"
"I mean..." I swallowed my nerves, forcing myself to continue the question, "do the other men think the same things about me? Do they not like me like the other girls because I'm so different - because I'm not fun?" I asked, my voice drifting into the void as I lost my nerve. I felt perhaps my questions didn't make any sense or if they did, I sounded like a petulant child.
Webster replied, "You're like our sister, Em. We want to make sure you're okay."
I scoffed. "Sister? So, is that why none of the men ask me to these things? Why none of them ask me to dance or get a drink?" I was hurt by the truth. I wanted nothing more than to be accepted and loved like the others and it pained me to think I was never going to experience that.
He nodded with a shrug. "I guess so, sure."
I started to stand up. I needed to leave. I could feel the tears forming and stinging behind my eyes, as they threatened to fall. I did not want the men to see me cry.
Webster bolted to his feet, grabbing my wrist to keep me from leaving. He pleaded, "Wait. What's wrong?" He studied my face, concern washing over his expression.
I tried to keep it together as I asked with an unsteady voice, "Why do you invite me to these things? Why are you always keeping me company? Do you feel that badly for me?" He couldn't be that daft at knowing why I was upset.
"It's not a pity thing, Emmeline. I like you," he tried to say. He released his hold, letting his hand fall to his side as he repeated, "I just...like you. You're different from the others. I'm trying to figure you out." His eyes darted about my face, searching for something to make sense of what happened.
I gave him a curt nod. "Excuse me." I felt the tears welling up again. I turned quickly, walking out of the mess hall as fast as my feet could manage.
I was heartbroken to discover none of the men in the Company and possibly the entire Division saw me as anything else but a sister. It hurt me to hear how they were never going to ask me to dance or grab a drink as they did with the others. They were never going to speak to me or look at me the way they did with the other nurses. It only added to my insecurities and overwhelming feelings about myself - I simply wasn't worthy of anyone's affections.
I was so wrapped up in my own mind I wasn't paying attention to where I was walking. I could feel the hot tears streaming down my face as I walked in the chilly night air. When I came to the edge of the camp, I stopped, feeling my body betray me as it started to bend over as the sobs racked my body. I didn't understand why this bothered me so much when I didn't have a reason.
My cries caught in my throat when I heard someone behind me speak, "Nurse Banks?"
I quickly stood, straightening my posture, and fixing my clothes as I brushed my tears away from my cheeks. I turned to see a dark silhouette standing a few feet away. "Yes?" my voice quivered. I couldn't make out who it was through the thin film of tears.
The figure took a couple of cautious steps toward me. "Are you all right?"
The voice sounded familiar but it was difficult to place. I wiped the last remnants of tears from my face, just as the person came into the light. My breath hitched. It took me a moment to regain my composure. "Yes, I am. Thank you, Lieutenant Speirs."
Speirs walked up to me, standing so close I could smell his musky scent and feel the warmth of his body envelope mine - creating goosebumps across my cold flesh. He peered into my eyes, studying the depths of them. "Why are you crying?"
I swallowed, unsure of how to respond - and even if I did, he was the last person I wanted to admit my woes to. I replied, "It's nothing, sir."
He questioned, "Did someone behave inappropriately this evening?" His eyes never left mine.
I stepped back from him, allowing the cold air to engulf me once more as I replied, "I'm fine. Really. It's nothing." My voice betrayed me by cracking. Inwardly, I kicked myself, believing I would have been able to convince him everything was fine had it not been for the break in my voice.
He stepped toward me once more as I stepped back again. His brow raised at my movements. His voice dropped low as he said, "Nurse Banks, I don't tolerate lying. It would be best for you to step forward and tell me the truth."
It was at this moment I understood why everyone was intimidated by him. Even I was a little afraid of him too. I licked my dry lips before blurting out, "I just found out I'm a third wheel." I decided to use Webster's words, hoping he would understand and leave me alone to continue crying.
His dark eyes lingered on my face, occasionally dropping to my lips. "Third wheel, Nurse Banks?" His tone showcased his confusion on the choice of words - whether it was because he didn't know what it meant or because I used it to describe me, I didn't know.
I bit my lip. "Yes, sir."
His gaze locked onto my lip as I bit it. His brows drew together as his voice grew an edge to it. "Explain."
Unable to stop myself from doing so, the truth came tumbling out from my lips. "I'm not like the other nurses. I didn't think I was so different but the men pointed it out to me tonight." I sighed heavily, shifting in place nervously, feeling stupid. "I wasn't even supposed to be at that party..." I stopped and chewed on my lip some more, willing the tears to stay away. My anxiety and nerves were showing plain as day to him and I hated it.
He blinked at my words before asking, "Why did you go?"
I stared wide-eyed at him. "I was invited..."
"You just said you weren't supposed to be there," he pointed out, crossing his arms over his chest, staring at me like I was holding some secret from him.
I sighed, feeling trapped by my own words. I tried to explain more clearly, "Even if I wasn't invited, I would have been dragged there by Darla - "
"Yes, Nurse Sanderson," he recalled, drawing out the word. "She does have a knack for getting her way." For the first time since he approached me, his eyes averted, giving me a moment of reprieve from the intensity his eyes held. I felt like I could breathe again now that he wasn't trying to bore into my soul. I looked down at my feet, feeling awkward.
Breaking the growing silence between us, he suggested, "We better get you back inside before you catch your death." I blinked a few times, unsure of what to say. I bit my lip, deciding it was best not to say anything at all.
He escorted me to the nurses' barracks instead of the party, which I could hear was still going on. We didn't speak the entire walk back but it wasn't uncomfortable. Just as I opened the creaky door to my barracks, he took a step away but stopped to turn around to face me once more. With his hands clasped behind his back, he began, "You know..." I turned to face him while he continued, "You are different than the others."
I averted my eyes to the ground between us as I whispered, "I know." My voice betrayed my sadness. I blinked the threatening tears away.
"You're a mystery to me, Nurse Banks," he stated.
My eyes darted up to stare at him, thinking I misheard him. "Sir?"
He scanned the length of me, nodded once as he turned to go. He said over his shoulder as he started to meander away, "Good night, Nurse Banks."
I stood there confused as I watched him leave, my mouth agape. I didn't understand what he meant by that. How could I be a mystery to anyone, least of all him? I bit my lip as I mulled it over.
That night would be a long night as I tried to figure out what he meant.