Should I do it?
No. I shouldn't.
But I need to.
Don't do it.
My mind kept going through both scenarios. If I did it, they'd find out and I wouldn't be cleared to go to school for a longer time. If I didn't, I'd have to continue my day with only this on my mind. The urge to just do it. To just run the blade through my skin.
I had the blade in my hand. I had it right here so I could just do it but I didn't. I don't know what kept me back but I just couldn't do it. I needed to get cleared for school and my dad was checking my wrists every morning.
With a sigh, I put the blade back and let myself sink back down onto the toilet seat, my eyes closing.
"Fuck." I cursed under my breath. I had to give the razor blade to my dad. He was the only of my parents to be home. Mum was at work and I mean, dad had work too but that was down in the shop.
I got up and quickly grabbed the blade before leaving the bathroom. I hurried downstairs and froze when I saw dad in the kitchen, making himself some tea.
Must be his break.
"Dad?" I asked. The flat was quiet and pretty much empty. Only dad and I were here. Uncle Fred was working down in the shop, probably helping uncle Ron, and Ronnie was in school.
Dad turned around and offered me a soft smile that told me he was listening, then he looked at his tea again.
"I need to give something to you." I said and approached the counter where he stood. He glanced at me but when I put the razor blade flat down against the counter, he looked at it, then at me.
"Where'd you get that?" He asked. "I hid all the— have you used it?"
"No." I said and his face immediately relaxed a bit. "It's the one I took from Emery back at school. I was about to— but I didn't and I don't want to."
Dad nodded slowly before he picked up the razor blade and looked at it. "Thank you for being honest with me. It might not seem like it but just the fact that you're giving this to me instead of using it, shows that you've come a long way."
I didn't know how to feel about that. He said I had come a long way but it didn't feel like it. I mean, I still had the urge to use it to hurt myself.
"You don't want to see my arms and make sure?" I asked and watched as dad used the deleting spell on the razor blade.
"No." He shook his head and looked at me. "I trust you."
"Does that mean I can go back to school?" I smiled sweetly. Something I had done all my life if I wanted something and when I was younger, it always worked but not anymore.
"Doctor Oakwood is still the one who needs to clear you." he told me with a faint smile. "That hasn't changed."
"But it's February, dad. I am tired of sitting at home and doing my homework here. I need to get back to Hogwarts to finish my fifth year."
"And before Simon graduates?" he hummed and I rolled my eyes in response. "You can see Simon during the easter break."
"Easter?!" I exclaimed. "I am not staying home until easter!"
"I don't know when she'll clear you, Genevieve." he told me. "It may be before easter or it may be after. She may not clear you until next year, I–"
"Next year?!"
"Vivi–"
"That would mean I'd have to be held back a grade. I do not want to repeat my fifth year as a sixteen-year-old. Dad, please talk to her. Tell her I'm ready to go back."
He sighed and rubbed his eyes with his thumb and index before he turned towards me with a hand on his hip. "I'm not quite sure you are ready."
I took a step back as I folded my arms over my chest.
"Tell me, how long after her kidnapping did mum go back to school?" I asked. "She was also almost killed. How long?"
"I don't know." he shrugged. "A week."
"A week." I nodded. "I haven't been back to school for two months! If mum could do it, so can I!"
"Okay." he said after a moment of just looking at me. "I will talk to your mother about it when she gets home tonight and if she's on board with it, we'll talk to doctor Oakwood."
"Thank you!" I shrieked, hugging him quickly before I ran out of the flat and down to the shop to tell Uncle Fred and Uncle Ron.