"I tried not to." I said, looking at my scars as I talked to my dad. "I just— I guess I was having a panic attack and I felt like I wasn't in control of my body or my mind. I just wanted to be in control."
I bit into my lip as I remembered the day where I cut the first line.
"There was this package of razor blades on the sink so I took one." I said. "I didn't even think. I looked at the blade and all I could wonder was how it felt to run it through my skin, so that's what I did and it didn't hurt."
Dad was tearing up. He tried to hide it but he was obviously being hurt by this.
"All it did was comfort me." I now sobbed. "I felt some kind of relief, seeing the blood appear like small bubbles. It was the first time in a long time that I felt in control over myself. I decided what pain I felt and no one could take that away from me. I'm so sorry dad. I should've never started. Now I can't stop."
"Come here." He reached for my hand and held it while slowly turning it around to look at the scars. "And the cigarette burns? You don't smoke."
"No—" I muttered. "But I found some cigarettes and I wanted to see if it felt the same."
He sighed and closed his eyes for a moment. "Vivi, why were yo having a panic attack? Is something going on at school that we don't know about?"
"It's just some Slytherin boy who's been on my back about everything." I said. I was kinda telling the truth. He was a Slytherin boy and he was on my back about everything. I just kept out a detail or two.
"You're being bullied?"
"I don't know if you can call it bullying."
"Well what things does he say?"
"I don't know—" I shrugged. "One time he called me a filthy Weasley girl but it's a lot of other things. I just don't remember them all right now."
He nodded and rubbed my hand before he stood up and walked closer. He wrapped his arms around me and hugged me tightly.
"It's going to be okay." He told me. "I know how you feel, my girl. You should've talked to me. Written all your emotions down on paper and sent Donut with it. I was close to doing the same thing when your uncle Fred died but I had my parents and my siblings. I had your mum. They all helped me through it."
I was still crying as he held me. I actually felt at peace and I really wanted to just tell him everything about Luke but I couldn't get myself to do it.
It scared me too much.
"Dad?" I asked.
"Yes, darling?"
"Why did you have me?"
"Why did we—"
He pulled slightly, still having his arms wrapped around me while I looked up at him. He brushed some hair out of my face.
"We had you, Vivi because we wanted you. Because you and your brother belong in our family. Because we love you." He said. "There isn't one day that passes where I don't think back and makes sure every rescision I've ever made was the right for you kids. I love you more than anything and nothing will ever change that. You are here on this earth because mum and I wanted you here. Got me?"
I nodded and he hugged me again.
"Every time you feel like you want to harm yourself, think about me and your mum." He told me. "Imagine it is us you are hurting."
"What? No. I don't want to—"
Then I realized. I was hurting them whenever I was hurting myself. I sighed and closed my eyes. "I'm sorry."
"No. You have absolutely no reason to be apologizing." He said as he rubbed my back. "You're not feeling very well right now but I promise you things will get better. C'mon, let's go get you introduced to your uncle before we take a chat with mum about this."
"What?" I asked. "Telling mum? I can't tell it again. I haven't even said it out loud before."
"I think mum would like to know." He told me. "Don't worry, darling. I'll be right there."
-
I seriously love daddy George.