Hindi ko alam kung anong iisipin ko. My head is ill-at-ease right now. Sarah is just delusional, that's what I want to think. That she's just making me feel upset with those, she's lying. But.. is it?
Dylan asked me to marry him. He didn't ask me the actual question but he wanted to change my name.. after he decided to change my son's surname.
Fuck!
Paano kung totoo nga? That this is all because of Coen. He wants to take responsibility of my son. And maybe.. he doesn't have a choice because I'm the mother of his son. He doesn't a fucking choice. Pain stabbed in my chest realizing the whole part.
Yakap yakap ko ang tulog na si Coen habang nakatulala sa harapan. Dylan kept on looking at me while driving. Hinaplos niya ang hita ko. Malamig ang tingin ko sa kamay niyang nandoon. I gritted my teeth and didn't talk.
I can't live with that. I won't live for a half-baked feelings. If that's what he thinks is right since we have a child, then fuck that. Wala akong pakialam kung may anak kami, the important is, I don't want a fake feelings. Coen will be his son with or without me being his wife. Hindi ko ipagkakait sa kaniya iyon. So why..
Hinayaan ko siyang kunin si Coen sa akin. Sinundan ko siya hanggang sa kwarto ni Coen. Hindi kami nag-uusap.
Ramdam ko ang pag-iingat niya sa galaw ko. He was observing. Panay ang titig niya sa akin habang hinihiga niya ang anak ko. He went to my side and about to hug me but I left. Kumuha ako ng damit ni Coen para mabihisan.
He cleared his throat. "Are you okay?"
I nodded, "Go and shower." malamig na sabi ko.
Nanatili siyang nakaupo sa tabi ni Coen, pinagmamasdan ako. Yumuko ako at nagsimulang inalis ang damit ng anak ko. He watched me change Coen's clothes. Nang mainis ako ay nilingon ko siya.
"Maligo ka na doon, Dylan.." bakas ang iritasyon sa boses ko pero bulong lang iyon dahil tulog si Coen.
He tilted his head, "Are you mad? May problema ba tayo?"
"Wala. Just go and shower. Ako ang susunod sayo."
He took a sigh and stood up. He looked weary as he stare at me. "Okay, I'll wait for you in our room, then?"
Hindi ako nagsalita hanggang sa makaalis siya. Naupo ako sa tabi ni Coen at nanatili doon ng ilang saglit. Maya maya pa'y pumasok na ako sa banyo sa kwarto ni Coen para doon magshower. I don't know, I have a bad feeling whenever I'm around Dylan. I don't want to see him for now.
Lumabas akong nakatapis lang ang tuwalya sa akin dahil wala akong suot. I went to our room. Nadatnan ko siyang nakatapis din ang tuwalya sa baywang at nagtutuyo ng buhok. He stood up when he saw me. Kumunot ng bahagya ang noo niya nang makita ang ayos ko.
"You showered there?"
I walked through the walk-in wardrobe.
"If its not that obvious, Dylan."
I closed the door and start changing. A pink vintage silk spaghetti strap and shorts is what I found. Lumabas ako at nakita ko kaagad si Dylan na boxer na ang suot at nakaupo pa din sa dulo ng kama.
He stood up and walked towards me. Iiwas na sana ako nang hinawakan niya ang baywang ko at pinirmi sa lamesa. I tried to push him away but he just pinned me harder.
The more I tried, the more he pushed himself!
"Ano ba?" I pushed him more. "Matutulog na ako!"
"What's the problem?"
I pushed his chest. "Wala! Now, get off me!"
"Zhian, how can we fix whatever it is if you're not telling me?" namungay ang mga mata niya habang hinahanap ang mata ko. He's slightly crouching just to reach my gaze.
I gritted my teeth and glared at him. Tinulak ko lalo ang dibdib niya dahil sa matinding inis na ngayon.
"I'm just tired. Gusto kong magpahinga."
"My love.." humalik siya sa pisngi ko. "Is it about my parents? Did they offend you, hmm?"
Iniwas ko ang mukha ko nang akma niyang hahalikan ang labi ko. Nagkatinginan kami. His eyes made my knees weak but never made my heart believe. He wants me because of his child. That's a period.
"No, Dylan.." I almost groaned just to get away from him.
He kissed my ear and went to my neck. Pumikit ako dahil sa patak ng halik niya sa akin. He hummed while his hands started to roam around my body. He cupped my breast. Tinulak ko siya palayo.
"Dylan, stop." pigil ko sa kaniya.
He removed his hands off me. "Okay, sorry.. You smell so good, I couldn't help it."
"Lumayo ka sa akin."
Inosenteng umangat at dalawang kilay niya. "I don't understand. I just want to sleep peacefully with you tonight.. What's the matter?"
"Let me sleep, then!"
"May problema ba tayo? Did I do something?"
"Nothing, Dylan. I'm just tired. Let's sleep, maaga pa ako bukas. Pwede ba?"
He sighed and gave up. Hinayaan niya akong makaalis sa harapan niya. Matalim pa din ang tingin ko sa kaniya habang kinuha ang laptop ko. I almost forgot that I need to talk to Dad today. Iyon kasi ang sinabi ni Kael kanina. Also, I haven't talk to them for days. They surely miss Coen.
Dylan sat beside me. He's not wearing anything on top so it was very easy for me to feel his warmth, lalo na noong yumakap siya sa akin.
Hinayaan ko siyang lumingkis habang tinatawagan si Dad. He saw my father's name so he sat straight but didn't withdraw his hug.
"Dylan, I'm calling—"
"Zhianela.." Dad's voice awakened me.
Napatingin ako sa screen. Kaagad kumunot ang noo ni Dad nang makita ang screen. Tita Maureen sat beside him with a wide smile but immediately faded as she saw a man beside me.
"Sus maryosep!" Dad exclaimed. "Dios mio, Zhianela Elka! What is this!"
Inalis ko ang pagkakayakap sa akin ni Dylan. Bahagya pang nataranta.
I cleared my throat. "Dad, si Dylan—"
"I know that Manzanilla! Why is he with you this late! I know its almost midnight there! Where is my grandson!"
Sinapo ko ang noo ko at nilingon si Dylan. Umigting lang ang panga niya at nanatili ang tingin sa screen.
"Coen is sleeping, Dad. Kagagaling namin sa dinner kasama ang mga Manzanilla kaya medyo pagod."
"Anong sabi mo? Why did you let my grandson near them? You know what their anger can go, Zhianela! I've warned you this before! They will surely throw my grandson out."
"Sorry to butt in, Tito, but I think you got it wrong. My parents will never do that." singit ni Dylan na mukhang hindi gusto ang sinasabi ng ama ko. This is not a great decision.
My father laughed sarcastically. "Hindi mo alam 'yan, hijo. You were too busy taking my daughter away from me that time, so you didn't know about it! Why are you even there? Sino nagsabing pwede kang pumasok d'yan!"
"Dad!" I debated. "This is his house!"
Suminghap si Tita Maureen sa likod pero hindi kailanman nangialam sa away namin ni Daddy. Namilog ang mata ni Dad at hindi nakapagsalita. Pautal utal ang boses niya at medyo nag-alala ako dahil baka alin mang oras ay maatake siya doon.
Dylan sighed. "I respect your opinion as the grandparent of my son and the father of my wife, Tito. But please—"
"Ang kapal ng mukha mo! What wife are you talking about, bastard!" pulang pula ang mukha ni Daddy. "If only I can go there and— goodness! Did you use your genius to my daughter, again! I can't believe this. Zhianela, don't tell me you're back with that man again?"
Hindi pa ako nakakabawi sa sinabi ni Dylan ay iyon na kaagad ang tinatanong sa akin. My eyes never left Dylan. Ni hindi ko magawang ngumiti sa sinabi niya.
Wife, huh? Bakit? Pumayag ba ako sa gusto niyang mangyari?
"Dad, I think we have to talk about this alone." bumuntont hininga ako. "Tita.. I'm sorry, I'll just call again some other time."
"Ano? Hindi! Sagutin mo ang tanong ko at umalis ka sa pamamahay ng Manzanilla na 'yan!" Daddy was still furious.
Akmang magsasalita si Dylan nang sinamaan ko siya ng tingin. He shut his mouth and clenched his jaw.
I know it was a bit offending but I just don't want to stress them both. Mas maayos kung kaming dalawa ni Dad ang mag-usap tungkol sa bagay na ito.
Ngumiti si Tita Maureen sa screen at may binulong kay Dad. "Thanks for calling anyway, Zhian. Ikusmusta mo na lang kami kay Coen para kahit papaano ay mapanatag ang Daddy mo."
I smiled and nodded. "Sure, Tita.. Dad, I'll drop this call now."
"I'm telling you, Zhianela.." banta niya muli.
"Let's talk about that soon, Dad. Goodnight, I love you."
Dad gave up, eventually. Pinatay ko ang tawag at maging ang laptop din. Kinuha ni Dylan iyon at siya ang tumayo para ibalik. He turned the light off and switched it to dimmed lights. Pinanood ko siyang mahiga sa tabi ko at alisin ang nilagay kong harang sa aming dalawa.
I turned my back on him. He immediately slided his arms on my tummy and pulled me to him. Hindi ako nagsalita at hindi din nagkaroon ng tsansa na mag-inarte.
"I'm sorry about Dad."
"Its okay," he kissed my head. "Are we cool?"
Hindi ako nagsalita ng ilang segundo. I don't want to answer that for now. I admit, hindi mawala sa isip ko ang sinabi ni Sarah sa akin. Also, everytime he say those things, I feel like its hitting me all the time. The realization is scary.
I nodded, "Let's sleep.."
Nagising ako habang nakayakap pa din si Dylan sa akin. I was already facing him while my face was on his neck and he was pulling me even closer. Humiwalay ako ng yakap at tinitigan ang mukha niya. I bit my lips and traced my sight on his holy face.
I feel like staring his face will never tire me. Iyong mukha niya ang tipo ng bagay na hindi nakakasawang titigan. The more you stare at it, the more it looked attractive. He doesn't even have any flaws on his face! A thing that I think Coen also got. For a moment, I wished that I could sleep next to me forever.
Dahan dahan akong bumangon. Malalim pa ang tulog niya kaya nakaalis na ako kaagad. I went down to his kitchen. I realized that he never tasted any of my cookings. I cooked an omelet that's from my own ingredients. I also cooked a soup that Coen really likes a lot.
Nasa kalagitnaan ako ng paghahalo nang maramdaman ko ang yapak sa likod. Lilingunin ko sana nang yumakap kaagad sa akin. I don't have to guess.
Hinalikan niya ang leeg ko. "You didn't wake me up.." his voice was still husky. Or I think its really husky everytime.
"I have to cook breakfast. Why don't you wake your son? May pasok pa 'yon."
He slided his hands inside my nighties. Suminghap ako nang hinulma kaagad ng kamay niya ang dibdib ko. Nagkatinginan kami. He immediately attacked my lips. Nanigas ako sa kinatatayuan ko at hindi kaagad nakagalaw.
He swiftly parted my lips with his own and entered mine. He squeezed my boobs with his warm hands. I moaned a bit. Nabitawan ko ang sandok na hawak kakatingala kay Dylan at dahil sa halik niya.
"Mama.."
Namilog ang mata namin pareho. It was a very fast move. I pushed him away from me. He immediately moved to my side covering his crotch and slightly crouching like something's hurt or what.
I turned the stove off and went to my son. Kinukusot niya ang mata at medyo magulo ang buhok. Humikab siya at kaagad nilahad ang kamay para sa yakap. I lift him up and put him in the dining chair. Nilingon ko si Dylan na nakayuko at naroon pa din ang kamay. He's topless and only wearing his boxers!
"Dylan, why don't you shower upstairs? Papakainin ko na si Coen." sabi ko at nag-iwas ng tingin.
Damn it!
Mabibigat ang hininga niyang nilapitan ang anak ko at bumulong. I never escaped his sights. Tumalikod ako at nagsimulang magsandok ng pagkain. I gritted my teeth.
Fuck, Zhianela. Akala ko ba galit ka? Where's the fucking madness?
Hindi pumayag si Dylan na hindi ihatid si Coen kahit na pwede naman ako. He's on his khaki pants now since they'll be in a mall show today, he said.
"I should just drive you on your work today, Zhian. Pagkatapos ihatid si Coen.." sabi niya habang tinutulungan kumain ang anak ko.
Ngumuso ako. "Its okay, I have my car."
"So I can also fetch you in lunch time.." he gave me a meaningful look. "And we'll eat with Coen together.."
Lumunok ako. "Dylan, hindi pwede. I can just join Coen for lunch so you won't need to leave the—"
"Do you want Mama to eat with us later, son?" he interrupted my words and talked to his son instead.
Kita ko ang paglingon ni Coen sa akin at ngumuso siya.
This guy..
"Mama's always busy with her engineer during lunch so Tita Issa always joins me lunch. But Papa, if its okay with Mama.. then its fine."
Dylan gave me his dark gaze. Kumunot ang noo ko.
I sighed. "Fine."
I didn't had a choice. Iniwan ko ang sasakyan ko kahit labag sa loob ko. Hinatid namin ni Dylan si Coen sa school niya. Happiness was drawn on my son's face as he held his father's hand. Nakasuot ng mask si Dylan pero ibinaba niya iyon sa baba niya.
"Dylan, people might see you.."
He held my waist. "Let them. What's wrong to be seen with my family?"
Hindi ako nagsalita. Hindi na sana ako mangengealam sa gusto niya pero ang mga mata ng tao ay nasa amin. Damn it! This man doesn't even care about his career! But I do! What the heck.
Lumuhod si Dylan para magpaalam sa anak. The teachers were looking at him and some looked like they're gossiping about something.
"We'll see you at lunch." inayos ni Dylan ang uniporme ng anak. He wore it for the first time just because Dylan said to wear it. I couldn't help myself from taking pictures a while ago.
Coen nodded and had the widest smile on his face. "Yes, Papa!"
Hinaplos ko ang mukha ni Coen. "Behave, Coen.. We'll head to work."
"Uh-hmm." humalik siya sa pisngi ko at kumaway. "Ba-bye!"
Hinatid na namin sa loob si Coen. His adviser smiled at me so I smiled, too. Pinanood kong kausapin ni Dylan ang teacher niya. Bumuntong hininga ako at bumalik na sa kotse para hintayin na lang siya doon. I can't believe it. Ito ang unang beses na ihatid ko si Coen kasama ang Papa niya. It feels so new.
Maya maya pa ay bumalik na si Dylan. He looked light and chilled. Tahimik lang ang buong byahe namin. Panay ang paalala niya sa akin sa lunch, tango lang ako ng tango.
Nang makarating kami sa site ay mabilis akong lumabas ng sasakyan. I saw Oliver talking to foreman. Nang makita akong lumabas sa magarang sasakyan ay nagtagal ang tingin niya.
Dylan went out. Kumunot ang noo ko pero kaagad din iyong napawi. His eyes were glaring at Oliver.
"Dylan, what's your problem? Pumasok ka doon! People are around!"
"What?" he walked towards me and touched my waist. "I just want to kiss my wife before heading out.."
"What?"
He gave me a peck of kiss on my lips and glared at Oliver again. "I'll text you."
Hindi ako nagsalita.
Nang makaalis sila ay hindi ko alam kung paano haharapin si Oliver. It was clear that he likes me even if he doesn't really say it directly. We both know that. At sa halos araw araw naming sabay kumain ay pakiramdam ko, magkaibigan na kami— well, at least for me.
Tumikhim siya at pinakita ang blueprint, halatang nag-iiwas ng tingin. "Lumiban ang dalawa kanina dahil kailangang umuwi sa pamilya. Kaya itong banda dito.. medyo matatagalan pa kasi sila lang ang marunong."
I nodded to his lectures.
Ngumuso ako. "I can't join you for lunch later, Oliver."
He clenched his jaw and didn't talk for a second. "You didn't mention that you were close to that artist?"
He knows him. Ofcourse, who wouldn't?
"Ah.." I didn't know how to say it. "He's Coen's father."
Nilingon niya ako, medyo nanlalaki ang mata. Tumikhim siya at saglit na nag-iwas muli ng tingin sa akin. I felt a little guilt for him. He was nice to me even if he liked me. Kahit minsan ayaw ko sa ideya niyang gustong kitain ang anak ko dahil gusto niya ako. He was really a good friend.
"Hindi mo.. nabanggit," malamig na sabi niya at nakatingin sa mga tao naming nagkalat.
"Pasensya na, Oliver. I know you like me—"
"Its okay, Zhianela." he nodded. "I also knew that all of it was just a friendly gestures and all about work. Ayos lang.. hindi na din ako umasa ng masyado. Pasensya na din, mukhang.. nagalit ko pa ang asawa mo."
"He's not my husband," I said coldly. "He's just the father of my son. Kung ano man ang namamagitan sa aming dalawa, its pure parenting."