May
Monday
After the end of the day, I walked to my room. I didn't see Henson today nor chat with him. I got in my room and started texting Sihle, along with Hazel. Sihle was still at the school library and Hazel was at her real best friend's place. I reminded her about her USB, and she told me she will get it when she comes back.
I was busy watching my movie when I heard a knock. Who ist? I wondered as Sihle is still at school, and Hazel is at Jubilee. I walked toward the door and opened it.
"I told you I will see you later," Karabo said the moment I opened the door, and I was just standing there, surprised and scared and happy at the same time. I let him in and closed the door behind him. I don't know what got into me, but after locking the door, I pushed him toward the bed and then threw him at it and started kissing him, lustily.
"Tshedza, what are you doing?" he asked as he tries to stop me from climbing him.
"What?" I asked back, I just didn't understand his question, he could easily see what I was doing.
"Do you really want this?" he continued, seeing me taking off his shirt.
"Well, you came here, didn't you? what were you expecting?" I said under my panting as I start unbuttoning his jeans. He just stared at me like I am assaulting him. I stopped and jumped off the bed.
"Is that... I didn't expect that you will be that..." I cut him.
"I will be that what? Easy?"
"No, not easy. Is that, I thought you don't like me. I know you like me, but sometimes you don't, so I thought you will start by fighting me. Maybe." He tries to explain as he follows me to the desk where I was now sitting.
"So, you wanted me to fight you, to act like I don't want you?" I asked. He nodded, murmuring and gesturing 'a bit' by his hand. I stood up and started walking toward the bed as I leave him by the desk. "Well, I'm not gonna lie Karabo, I hate you, I hate your guts, your ego..." before I could finish, as I walk away from him, I heard his loud stump as he jumps off the desk. He follows me and then turned me around to face him. "Should I go on?" I asked as we stare at each other.
"Nope, I get it now, you hate me," he said and then started kissing me. He moved his lips from mine and then started kissing me going down, to my neck, collar bone and my boob as he squeezes it. He carried me up and then slowly put me down on the bed and just like that, we were back on track.
"You still hate me even now?" he asked, disturbing my calm mind and my relaxed body. I was just lying down on my back, facing up while I take a breath from what just happened. I'm such a slut, I just had sex with the person I hate, again. There is no way Sihle is gonna believe I'm a virgin, there is never going back from here.
"Can I just lie down, quietly," I said to him, and he wrapped his arm around my body. It was a little bit nice, which was why I didn't like it. I don't wanna find myself catching feelings with Karabo, or have I already? Actually, he should just go now. "Aren't you leaving?" I asked him.
"I am not going anywhere," he said, changing the sleeping position and showing me his back. He has a small tattoo under his shoulder blade. I moved closer to him to see what it reads, and it was just a letter, 'G'.
"What does G stand for?" I asked while I rub the tattoo.
"God," he responded, and I just continued feeling it. "I'm joking, it stands for Grace, my mom," he continued, turning around to face me again.
"Oh, she has a beautiful name," I said, it was getting awkward to look him in the eye. While I was about to turn, he stopped me and held me on my face, feeling it from the cheeks going down my chin.
"Yeah, she did," he said, and I just looked at him, sad.
"I'm sorry," I said as I play with his beard. Oh, I don't think I ever told you guys how Karabo looks. He's like a middle man between Sihle and Henson, maybe too much Henson than Sihle. He is not light in complexion but not dark either. He's actually a bit lighter than I am. He has a beard, God I love me a man with a beard. He's much taller than I am and to tell you the truth, he is the type of guy I like when it comes to him and Sihle. If it weren't for the sad truth that he is Karabo, I would have had given him a chance.
"Don't worry, it was a while ago," he said, and I moved my hand from the beard to his shoulder, massaging him a bit. He looks at me and I just slightly smile. In a moment, he moved his face to mine and started kissing me, and I kissed him back. "You really stole my heart Venda girl, from the first day I met you," he said, and I didn't know what to say, so I moved to his face too and kissed him.
"Why did you choose my friend over me?" he continued, after some moment of just starring at each other, playing with each other's face.
"I didn't know you,"
"Now you do," he stated the obvious and I just smiled to him. "Do you even love him?"
I look at him without an answer, do I even love Sihle? "I don't know. Maybe I do..." I finally answered, I really didn't know what I want or who I love, I just didn't know.
"Come on, I mean, you are here with me right?" He bragged.
"Okay, I love him, I love Sihle. This was just sex right?" I said. That really sounded harsher than I intended. The guy just told me I stole his heart, and now I'm telling him I love someone else. But I had to, that's the only way I will make him hate me and that will be much better than him loving me, confusing me.
I don't know the truth anymore. I mean, if I loved Sihle enough I wouldn't be lying here with Karabo, having sex with him. And if it was just sex for that matter, why is he still here, I could easily kick him out but he is still here, why am I enjoying his company? Maybe I don't love Sihle enough, maybe I just love the idea of a boyfriend in him.
"Right, this was just sex," he said, getting up and getting dressed. I made him angry, and Karabo has a small heart; I don't even need much to squash it, just one mistake, he's back to his terrible self. "Bye Tshedza," He said, already taking off.
"You are leaving just like that. I'm sorry I didn't mean it like that," I begged, I didn't want him to leave, not like that. Sometimes I fear he would just go straight to tell Sihle, and I don't want that.
"Say hi to my friend when he comes back," he said and unlocked the door. He knew Sihle was not here that's why he came, sneaky bastard. After he closed the door, I got up and locked the door.
I feel energised, I think I can even finish all my assignments now. I cleaned up my bed, rolled the Condom pack with a tissue, and just wondered if he took the used condom because I couldn't find it anywhere. After I was done cleaning up, all my energy I felt right after Karabo left was gone. I couldn't even sit up on the chair, I just wanted to lie down. It was after I don't even know how long when I received a phone call from my sister.
"They are getting a divorce," she said right after I said hello. I can't believe this; Katie didn't forgive Brandon.
"What do you mean a divorce?"
"Yeah, a divorce. Apparently, they were married, not just engaged,"
"Oh fuck, that's really bad. So she couldn't forgive him?" I asked, feeling down already beating myself up.
"I guess not. I am officially a homewrecker," she said, and I could feel she's not well.
"Oh Tshifhiwa, don't talk like that. It was my fault."
"No, don't beat yourself up, you just a kid. It was my fault, and Brandon's fault, I mean I can't take all the blame to myself, he came to me."
"What is he going to do?"
"I don't know; I really don't know I just wish the first thing he does is to move out of the complex, the country if possible," she said, and I could understand. "You didn't tell mama, did you?"
"Nope, I wouldn't,"
"Good, don't tell her. Let me go to sleep, and you should get back to your books. Later," she said, and we ended our conversation.
I am going to hell, that's for sure. I mean, I just broke up a marriage, I'm cheating on my boyfriend with his friend. Hell, here I come. I continued lying down on my bed, just wishing it was already year-end. I mean not long ago I felt like my varsity life was boring, but now it just got worse, how the hell am I gonna tell Sihle that I lost my virginity. How did I get here?
Tuesday
"You," I heard a voice calling on me and Zinzi as we were passing a group of white guys chilling on the grass. One guy stood up and walks toward us, and a lady followed him as Zinzi and I wait to see what's happening.
"uya bazi abalungu? (You know these guys?)" Zinzi asked me in Zulu, and I just shook my head.
"I hope you and your sister are happy now?" the guy said the moment he got to us, and I just remembered, it's Brandon's younger brother. He's lady friend tried to drag him back but he's got more to say. "Did you even hear that they are getting a divorce? they don't even have a year together, but they are already divorcing because of your sister," he finished, and I just started walking away.
"What is he talking about Tshedza?" Zinzi asked me while I wiped my eyes which were already full of tears. "You are crying, what is going on?" she continued as she starts to be concerned.
"It was my fault. They were married, and now they are divorcing because of me," I said to her, and she just sits me on the bench.
"Babe, I don't know what's going on. Who's that guy?" she asked.
"His brother is my sister's neighbour," I said, and she sat next to me waiting for more. I told her the whole weekend story.
"Woo. That's bad, I'm so sorry. But it wasn't your sister's fault, he cheated it was his fault, he broke his marriage," she said, and I was starting to feel a little bit better now that I told her.
In no minute, the lady that was with Brandon's brother came by. "Hi, I'm Sean's friend. I'm sorry for the way he talked to you, he's just going through a lot," she said while I wipe my eyes and I just looked at her. "I saw you crying while I was over there and I felt bad, so..." she finished, trying to explain herself.
"No, it's okay. Thanks," I said, and she smiled and left. When I looked at them, he was just looking at me with hatred. I guess I deserve it, this is Karma.
"So, you hooked up with Henson again?" Zinzi asked while I walk her to her lecture.
"See, that's the reason why I didn't tell you. Don't judge I was bored."
"I'm not gonna judge, as long as you not making that hole bigger before Sihle..."
"Zinz', come 'on I wouldn't. I have to maintain my virginity," I said, and she laughed, and I was just thinking of how I didn't maintain it last night.
After Zinzi has left, I sat at the bench in front of the building, thinking about how my life got messed up. Firstly, it was Karabo breaking my virginity, then weekend, me breaking a marriage, and now breaking my virginity again and I still have no idea how to fix it.
How do you even fix broken virginity? how can I go back on being a virgin? Doctors are changing genitals from male to female and all that, but they can't make a little hymen grow back. I shouldn't have told Sihle I was a virgin, I didn't know it came with maintenance, and I didn't have any.
I called my sister just to let her know what I have been through today. At first, I didn't want to bother her with Sean stupidity and harshness, but I figured it is best if she knew. I know I did cause these troubles, but he shouldn't be harassing me like it was only my sister's fault. At least Tshifhiwa should know about this.
"How could he? I will talk to his brother, he doesn't have the right to talk to you like that," she said, and I could hear she was angry. Whatever I did to cause so many problems to my sister, I am still her baby sister, and I know for sure she would do anything to keep me safe.
"Maybe he won't do it again, so if it's a lot, don't put yourself in so much by talking to Brandon; I will wait and see if he does it again. His friend apologised for him maybe they will talk to him," I said, I knew she was gonna storm to Brandon, I had to stop the fire I just fumed. No matter how bad it was and how Sean embarrassed me, I didn't want my sister to go through a lot like talking to Brandon.
"If he talks to you like that again, tell me. Just tell me," she said, calming down.
We continued talking, and after we concluded our call, I decided to go to the library just to use the computers. Some internet browsing might get everything that is eating my mind off.
"Hey" I heard a voice calling while I walked to the library. My mind was already on the funny videos I'm going to watch the moment I sit down. When I looked back, it was the Venda girl who invited me to the Venda club meeting before, Rofhiwa.
"Hi" I responded while I waited for her to join me. I really don't like it when people budge in my personal space. One thing I know about myself is that I am an excellent pretender until I am not, this girl is pushing me.
"I haven't seen you since the meeting, how are you?" she asked.
"I'm doing good thanks. I waited for you guys to contact me about the netball practice," I lied, I was not even looking forward to that.
"Oh yeah, we actually haven't started this block, but when we do, I will definitely contact you. I think we are just gonna start on the second-semester coz now the exams are approaching," she said, delighted by my urge to be part of their team. We continued catching up with whatever we didn't know much about each other.
When we got to the library, I went to the sitting side, passing the computers just to be far from her. She sat at one of the computers, and I didn't want to be next to her while browsing whatever I was going to browse. So much for my funny videos. She is a very talkative person, and I lack listening skills when it comes to people I don't know that much. And it is awkward when you don't even know what to talk about or respond.
I found a cosy desk to sit on while I start activating the studying mode. I guess the little I study during the day, the better. June exams were already catching on us, and I needed to be ready despite my problems. If my life is sucking, at least it should be better academically.
Hi... That was a text I received on WhatsApp while I was already catching up to my student self. Temptations come in all different ways, Satan can't even let you study. I couldn't tell who the message was from because I didn't know the numbers.
Whos this??? I replied. I didn't even wanna waste my time by playing nice, right on point I was.
It's Karabo, this is my other number he responded within a second.
Okay got 'em I replied.
Can I come see you tonight? he asked. What have I done, why did I even gave him my cookie in the first place. I cursed to myself.
I'm at the library. I can't talk.
We are texting, how is that a problem?
Well, I'm studying so I will talk to you later. I replied, and he stopped texting. Karabo is the kind of guy I would date if it wasn't for his attitude. He has a shitty attitude which is the reason I can't even think of leaving Sihle for him. I mean I think about him sometimes, sex to be exact but I can't trip myself that I will end up dating him. He's more of a player and the reason he keeps coming back to me, is because he can't have me.
It was a bit empty inside the library. Most of the students are on their lectures I guess or chilling outside waiting for their lectures. I think it's a good thing I never made a lot of girlfriends here, when Zinzi is on her lecture, I get bored and end up here, which is working well for me.
I was just busy doing my observation around the library while I stumble on a desk full of older guys, one of those guys, was Henson. I was chatting to him a few minutes ago, hoping to see him but he told me he wasn't around the campus, I wondered why he lied to me.
I Continue settling myself to study while I asked myself why Henson would lie to me about his whereabouts. Maybe he doesn't want me to do to him what I did to Brandon. I mean, he has his Cape Town girlfriend, and I have my stupid mouth, so he might not want the drama. I felt stupid, wishing I didn't even ask him where he was coz now I am seeing his side of him toward me and it hurts a little. No one wants to be lied at.
I realised he still hasn't seen me as he continued chatting to his buddies. I rushingly pack my books in my bag, just to get a chance of walking out of here before he notices me. I didn't want him to know that I know that he lied. I picked my backpack, and the few books fell and made a loud sound, coz I didn't zip up the bag. The moment the books hit the floor, I looked toward his desk to see if he noticed me; our eyes met, and I was just embarrassed, him more than me.