This chapter as well as the last one were pretty exhausting to write. My emotions have been all over the place. I hope you like what you read and thanks for continuing to support me and my new hobby!
My song list for this chapter was basically any version of the song "Wangxian" on constant repeat.
I apologize for any grammatical or spelling errors and, as always, nothing is mine so credit to the owners!
Lan Zhan's eyelids fluttered open, his golden eyes trying to focus as he stared at an unfamiliar ceiling etched with cracks that spread like a giant spider web. The full moon shone brightly through the door and window illuminating the house in a cold light. He blinked a few times to get his bearings before sitting up and then the memory of what had happened slammed into him.
"Wei Ying!" he screamed, sprinting to the slumped unconscious figure at the table. Wei Ying's head was lying against the warped boards covered by his thick black hair. Both arms dangled lifeless from his shoulders and his hands were eerily still.
"Wei Ying! Don't do this to me! Not now! Not again! Don't leave me again!" Lan Zhan screamed frantically as he checked Wei Ying's pulse point on his wrist.
'Oh thank the gods!'
He could feel Wei Ying's shallow pulse under his tender fingers but it was weak. Delicately, he lifted Wei Ying's limp body off the chair, his head lolling to the side, and laid him carefully on the bed, making sure that his limbs and neck were not cramped in any way.
Lan Zhan carefully brushed Wei Ying's sweat soaked hair, now dried against his pale skin, out of his face and onto the pillow. He knelt next to the bed and took Wei's right hand, which felt abnormally cool, in both of his shaking ones and began to sob uncontrollably. He desperately transferred his spiritual energy to his love knowing that it would only help to heal his body, not his mind.
"I told you not to do it." he whispered in between his anguished cries. Lan Zhan's heart was breaking all over again, just like it had every time Wei Ying left him. He lovingly kissed Wei Ying's soft cheek saying,
"You were never a nobody to me. Not since the first time I laid eyes on you at Cloud Recesses. You were always my Wei Ying. A man who loved unconditionally, who protected without question, and who sacrificed without hesitation."
Lan Zhan's breaths came painfully as his words fell from his lips. He held Wei Ying's hand even tighter as if he could hold onto the man he had loved for almost 20 years and bring him back.
But, he knew that HIS Wei Ying was gone.
Again.
He knew because he remembered everything that had happened to him. He remembered losing his memory and becoming Wang Xian. He remembered Wei Ying finding him and leaving him and then finding him again. He remembered those nights of passion between them, even the one where he had been drunk.
Lan Zhan also relived Wei Ying's heartbreaking admission of his desires and why he left him that day on the hill. His mind replayed Wei Ying's painful confession right before Lan Zhan was rendered unconscious of what fueled his nightmares every night and of his agony from carrying everyone's death on his soul.
Leaning over Wei Ying's still body, Lan Zhan placed his lips next to Wei Ying's ear until they brushed it with a feather touch. "Wei Ying. My Wei Ying. Please come back to me and I will protect you against anyone and anything wishing to do you harm so that you do not have to suffer ever again. Please......" he shifted back onto his heels. "I will never leave your side. Every day.......means every day." he said, choking back another sob.
Wangji swore that he would never stop searching for the witch that stole his beloved from him. If she could return Lan Zhan's memories, then she could return Wei Ying's. But that thought unexpectedly stopped his heart.
One of his last memories before falling unconscious was that Wei Ying had asked for this, he wanted to forget. Forget all the pain, the hatred, the death that had tormented him for so many years. How could Lan Zhan force that pain back on his lover? The simple answer came with a long, slow sigh. He could not. The decision was never his to make. It was Wei Ying's desire to forget and Lan Zhan would honor that request until his death.
Lan Zhan sat next to him on the bed and pulled Wei Ying's still limp body onto his lap, hugging his head to his chest and stroking his soft sable colored hair before once more laying him back down. He placed his forehead against Wei Ying's and promised, "Even though you won't remember me, I will never forget you. I will never forget us."
Lan Wangji caressed Wei Ying's cheek with his fingers and laid his head on the beautiful man's rising and lowering chest, listening to each breath and every heartbeat. The hard realization that the smiling man who had stolen his heart was no longer inside this body flooded through him like an apocalyptic tsunami. Whomever this person was now lying beside him might be someone who did not love him. Who would never love him.
And that thought was what finally broke the once mighty Hanguang-jun. His sobs overtook him, shaking his worn-out body violently. He cried for what seemed like hours, embracing the Wei Ying's unmoving body until the tears refused to flow anymore and he slipped into a restless sleep.
As the sun rose the next day, Lan Wangji made the promise that whoever this person was now, he would care for and protect him. Maybe, over time, this stranger would remember certain things just like he had.
'No, he won't' his mind reminded him.
Unlike Lan Zhan's memories that were stolen from him and fought to return, Wei Ying willingly gave his away, not wanting them anymore. Which, Lan Zhan had to confess, hurt him more than he would admit because, not only did Wei Ying give up all of his bad memories, he also gave away the good ones they shared.
'Did I not love him enough? Were all the bad memories so much worse than the good ones? If I had told him how I felt years ago, would this have happened to him? To us? If I had stayed by his side in Nightless City, would we be together safe in Cloud Recesses tonight? If I had not taken that mission and stayed with him like he begged me to, would we be partners by now? Would we have a family of our own?'
Lan Zhan's mind raced with all the "what-if's" until he felt himself suffocating, gasping for air.
"Stop!!!" he yelled out loud, at himself.
He looked down at the person still slumbering on the bed, praying he hadn't woken him with his irrational outburst. But he didn't move, not even a twitch.
'Whoever this man is, he is going to need your help and guidance when he wakes up. There may still be resentful energy left in his body and, if not controlled properly, the Yiling Laozu may still rise.'
At least, that was the excuse that Lan Zhan would use to justify his need, his desire to stay with this man.
Lan Wangji's mind might understand that this person was different and not his Wei Ying, but his heart would refuse to let go of its mate. He knew that. No one would ever be his equal the way Wei Ying had been. No one would challenge him the way this untamed man had. And, maybe it would be a curse that would drive him mad, but Lan Zhan would never leave this man's side. He would follow him to the ends of the earth and even into death if that was his fate with this perfect man.
Lan Zhan quickly bathed himself, dressed in his white Gusu Lan Sect robes, pulled his hair up and into his ornate headpiece, and finally placed his headband around his head before attending to the man's needs. He lovingly undressed and carried his still sleeping body to the tub and gently placed him into the still steaming water. Lan Wangji washed the man's body as if it was something to be worshipped and soaped his hair as a mother would for a child. The handsome man sighed contentedly as Lan Zhan's fingers massaged his scalp and smiled when Wangji dried him off with the utmost care.
Lan Zhan would never tire of gazing upon his delicate features. He wanted nothing more than to stay by this hauntingly gorgeous man's side no matter what role he was to play in his future. After combing out the tangles with his long fingers, Wangji laid him back on the bed and lightly kissed his forehead.
Lan Zhan dressed him in the plain clothes that he himself had worn, knowing that once he awoke, this man could no longer dress like Wei Wuxian, the Yiling Laozu. He cradled Chengquin reverently in his hands before placing it in his Qiankun bag, fighting back his tears with what little control he had left, afraid that if he started to cry again, he would never be able to stop.
As Wangji turned to fetch some water for breakfast, he heard a muffled whimper come from behind him and the sound of a body moving on the bed. His eyes widened and his body froze in fear, unsure of what to do next. What he wanted to do was to rush over, wrap the man in his arms, and hold him close but knew that was not the prudent action right now. So, for now, he turned slowly and stood looking over at the waking form, waiting for the inevitable.
The man's brows furrowed, his head moving as if he was listening for something. Lan Zhan's breath caught in his throat. When the stranger opened his eyes and blinked innocently at Lan Zhan, Wangji's heart shattered. The man's eyes told him everything he did not want to accept but now had to. The pain in Lan Zhan's chest was crushing him, his legs almost buckling under him, but he remained standing trying to concentrate on what he should do next.
The two men just stared at each other in silence, assessing one another. The man then stretched and groaned, scrunching his nose up like a bunny's, and Lan Zhan couldn't help but give a tiny smile through his anguish.
The stranger lifted his body onto his elbows and looked around, his head tilting from side to side as he took in his surroundings and the man in pure white robes standing over him. He looked like he was dressed to go to a funeral and the man hoped it wasn't HIS funeral the man was attending. He patted his stomach and thighs and quickly concluded that he didn't seem to be a ghost or spirit so he sat upright and gazed up at the unusually handsome man who was still standing silent before him.
"Uh, hello?" he said puzzled.
"Mn."
"Um, is this your house I fell asleep in? I'm very sorry. I must have been really tired. I don't mean to be a bother so I'll just be going I guess."
The man stood to leave and his head began to spin, his steps faultered so he sunk back down onto the bed holding his head in one hand.
"Not a bother." Lan Zhan said with false calmness as he reached out and grabbed the stranger's arm, helping to lower him safely to the mattress.
"Hmmm, I seem to not be feeling very well." the man explained, shaking his head before looking around the house again. "How did I get here? And who are you exactly?"
The stranger's face was blanketed with confusion which Lan Zhan could see was slowly turning to panic as the man's eyes darted over his surroundings and the tall man hovering over him.
Lan Zhan's heart fragmented and his mind screamed, 'I'm your Lan Zhan! Your Lan Wangji! Your Hanguang-jun! I'm your Lan Er-gege!' But his face remained emotionless and he replied in a soothing voice, "My name is Lan Wangji. You were very ill. Brought you here for shelter and to heal you."
The man tried standing again and this time rose steadily, the world staying still this time. He moved a little closer to Lan Zhan and bowed before him, knowing that he must have been someone of great importance based on his dress and manner.
"Hello, Lan Wangji. My name is......." he paused, his brain searching for the right words but not finding them. "My name......." He tried again but no matter how much he tried, the answer would not reveal itself.
Lan Zhan saw him struggling and his arms wanted to reach out and embrace him, to tell this man everything would be okay, that he would help and protect him always. But instead he stood there as stoic as ever.
"Your name is Mo Xuanyu." The man looked up at him with curious look. "You told me before you passed out." Lan Zhan said simply, hoping that this would be an acceptable explanation.
Mo Xuanyu walked a few steps away as if he had to process what Lan Zhan had just told him.
"Aaannnnd who are you again?" he asked, turning to face Wangji again.
Lan Zhan paused for a moment, his thoughts going into a frenzy, his eyes lowering. Then he gave the only answer he could. "A good friend."
Mo Xuanyu's face became a frown. "Oh." he said sadly.
Lan Zhan gave him a questioning look as Mo Xuanyu gazed up at him with those big mesmerizing grey eyes of his and Lan Zhan could not look away, losing himself in that stare.
Mo Xuanyu took a few steps forward, standing so close to Wangji that he could smell his distinctive sandalwood scent. Lan Zhan wasn't sure if he should feel uncomfortable at the closeness knowing that this was not Wei Ying standing in front of him but a stranger. A stranger that possessed his lover's body but not his mind. However, his entire body was frozen in place and he was completely at the mercy of this man before him, his desire for him absolute.
"I just thought......maybe......" Mo Xuanyu said seductively as he watched Lan Zhan's Adam's apple bob slowly. Wangji had totally forgotten that before Wei Ying had been reincarnated into Mo Xuanyu's body, the younger man was a known cut-sleeve. He took one step back, trying to control himself in this very tempting situation.
'This is not your Wei Ying anymore. It doesn't matter that his body makes you hard and his voice can turn you inside out! He is not Wei Ying! Get a hold of yourself!'
Mo Xuanyu moved even closer until his arms snaked themselves around Lan Zhan's blushing neck and his groin ever so lightly brushed against Wangji's growing thickness under his robes. Lan Zhan tried to escape and look away but Mo Xuanyu's eyes held him captive. Wangji's mind was conflicted and his heart tormented. Mo Xuanyu could see the turmoil in Lan Zhan's face and released him, his body collapsing back onto the bed.
"I'm sorry." Mo Xuanyu said apologetically, his head lowered in shame, his long wet black hair blocking Lan Zhan's view of his face. "I just thought......." his soft voice trailed off into a whisper. Many minutes passed and the silence became unbearable.
Lan Zhan knelt gracefully in front of Mo Xuanyu's legs. "I am sorry. But we are not together."
Mo Xuanyu lifted his head, his sensual bunny smile unable to be contained any longer. "You mean you're not my soulmate for this lifetime?" he said as he pulled Lan Zhan closer, a giggle escaping through his perfectly bow-shaped lips.
"You know it's love when all you want is that person to be happy, even if you're not part of their happiness." - Julia Roberts