Camila's POV
The closer I got to her, the more I began to panic. I could hear the loud thumps of my heart telling me to run away. The palms of my hands drenched in sweat, signaling that they too knew this was a bad idea. The air around me was thinning out with each breath I took. Crippling my mind from thinking and even some of my movements. My throat was dry. It felt as if there was this huge lump that prohibited me from talking. From screaming, anything. When I was finally face to face with her. She hugged me. I tried my best to move my arms but they just wouldn't wrap around her. They were numb. Just like the rest of my body was. I tried to move any other part of my body but it wouldn't work. I was stuck. It was like being in that dream. You know, the one where you try to run away but you can't? Or when you try to scream but nothing comes out? Well, that's what it's like. I tried to scream, speak up or even make the slightest noise but all there was, was silence. I saw her lips move, but heard nothing. Suddenly, everything had lost color. I was now in a gloomy black and white world. I closed my eyes and opened them again to see if anything would change but it didn't. I didn't know what was going on with me but as air rushed to my face and my eyes began to slowly close, my head met the ground and that's when everything became clear. Or should I say went blank.
--
I fluttered my eyes open and my eyes immediately met my white bedroom ceiling. It was blurry. For a second I thought I had died and went to heaven. But then I heard my mother's voice.
"Karla?" My mother almost whispered when she noticed I had woken up.
"Ugh..." I said holding onto my head. "I'm not in heaven?"
"No, Mija." My mother laughed, "You're actually going to wish you have gone there after how you came home today."
"Huh?"
"I thought you slept over at Dinah's last night?"
"I did." I lied.
"It looks like you went to a party if you ask me."
"What? A party? No..." I said dragging the last word longer then I should have.
"Explain the dress."
"Oh you know..." I began as I thought of a reasonable excuse. "Dinah and I were invited to a tea party."
My mother cocked her brow in suspicion.
"Her little sister sent an invitation and every thing. We couldn't just say no. And plus she specifically wrote in bold print, Dress formally. So that's why I'm in this thing. It's nice isn't it? Dinah let me borrow it."
My mother gave me the 'that's a bunch of bullshit' look and as she was about to slay my existence, the door opened. Ariana popped her head in and instantly sighed in relief when she say that I had woken up.
My mother gave me a meaningful glance before she pointed at me, "We're not done. I'm going to bust your butt later. But I'll leave you too alone for now."
I smiled appreciatively at my mother before she nodded her head and walked out the door. Ariana closed the door behind her and sat at the edge of my bed. She put her hand over my ankle and gently smiled,
"You're awake."
"Yeah... but I didn't fall asleep did I?"
"No. You fainted."
"I fainted?!"
"Yeah, don't you remember?"
"No. I just remember blacking out."
"Well, that's called fainting." She playfully informed me. "You fainted out of no where and hit your head against the concrete."
"Holy shit am I okay?" I said running my hands around my head to check for any imperfections.
Ariana chuckled, "Yeah Mila. You're just fine. You just have a huge bump on the side of your head. But it's nothing major."
"Holy shit." I said suddenly feeling the bruised bump.
"Yeah. It was really weird. After I hugged you, you looked like a statue. You didn't move or talk and it seemed as if you were struggling. And before I knew it you went face first into the ground."
I lightly laughed just thinking how awkward it must of been for her afterwords.
"I'm sorry." I apologized with a humorous smile on my face.
"It's fine. I mean it's not your fault you fainted."
"Touché."
She half smiled before she asked, "So what did you want to talk about?"
Suddenly the atmosphere changed from joyous to serious.
"I uh..." I began unsure of how I should start.
"Just... go for it." She encouraged.
"I heard what happened." I quickly said without thinking.
God dammit Camila.
"With my brother?"
"Yeah, Mani told me that Frankie got into a fight with your parents?"
"Oh yeah. They saw..."
"Saw what?"
"They saw him up in his room making out with a boy. They totally freaked." Ariana said recalling the memory. "Frankie told me that our dad practically threw his boyfriend out of our home and lectured him about what happened. They told him it was wrong and that he was a sinner. They threatened to sent him away if he still wanted to live in the house. Or if not, he had to go find another place to live."
"Send him away where?"
"To a treatment centre."
"Those exist?"
"Yeah. If your parents have connections like mine do, they exist."
"So what did he do?"
"He left. He's at a friends house right now until he gets hid own place."
"Oh my god." I said feeling terrible for her brother and what he had to endure, "I'm sorry."
"It just sort of sucks, you know? To have the people who are supposed to love you the most, reject you."
I nodded my head. "Yeah, that's not how it's supposed to be."
"Welcome to the life of a gay catholic." Ariana slightly joked before a frown made it's way to her face.
"Hey..." I said reaching for her hand. "Everything is going to get better. He still has you."
"What can I do?"
"Be there for him. That's what he needs from you right now. You're the only family he has now. Support and encourage him to keep on going. Show your parents that you have a heart. Show him how much you are willing to sacrifice to be by his side, like a sister should be."
"Yeah you're right." She half smiled. "I'll go by and see him later today, just to check up."
"Great." I smiled before I asked, "Are you okay though? They didn't find out did they?"
"Oh no. I know Frankie and I were supposed to do it together but after what happened to him, Frankie told me to wait until I got out of the house. And at the time, I felt like he was right. I kind of regret it now though. It scares me to think that my parents don't really love me. They just love this version of me that they want to believe is true."
"They love you guys Ari. Under all that belief, they really do."
She slightly grimaced.
"Love us? After what they did?"
"Yeah. It's going to take time to adjust. But just give them time. You have great parents, even though their strict and have questionable beliefs, they are still very good people. They'll come around."
"Hopefully..."
I half smiled as I affectionately squeezed her hand. She smiled with the corner of her mouth as silence began to invade the room. We sat there comfortably, pondering about our next words.
"So... Where were you last night?" Ariana suddenly asked breaking the silence.
I felt my body tense, "I... uh..."
She cocked her brow before she let out an exasperated sigh, "You were with her weren't you?"
I practically pied my pants. "What? Me? No..." I began to protest.
"Mila..." Ariana said in a scolding tone as if she knew that I was obviously lying.
I sighed, "Fine. Yes I was with her."
"Why didn't you just tell me?"
"Because-"
"Did you guys do anything?"
"No... we didn't." At least not this time around.
"Then why are you all flustered right now?"
"Because...there was something else I wanted to talk to you about." I admitted. "But I'm really scared that when I do tell you, that I'll hurt you or that I'll say the wrong thing because I really don't know how to do this. I've never done this before. But it's just something I have to do but my own fear is holding me back. But then again I'm holding myself back. But what is mostly stoping me is that I don't know how you'll react or how to even start these types of things-"
"You're trying to break up with me aren't you?" Ariana interrupted my rambling.
I sighed, "Yeah but it's not what you think." I said throwing my hands out."Its not you, it's me." She cocked her brow."Oh god that was terrible." I grunted. " That's not what I meant. Well actually yes I did mean that but I didn't mean to sound so cliche. Ugh, let me try again-"
"Mila breathe." Ariana interrupted my rambling again, to assure that I would live to tell her the truth.
I did what she said before I spoke again, "Okay. So look, Ariana you're amazing. I couldn't of have asked for a better girlfriend. You make me so happy. I like how you make me laugh,smile and sometimes forget. You've always been there for me when I needed someone the most. And although you had been my girlfriend through all of this, you are also my friend. You had always been my friend. Even before we started dating and I held onto the hope that maybe I wouldn't see you in that way someday anymore. But it was hard. It never felt like enough. It was almost as if our relationship wasn't enough but through it all I realized that our friendship had been enough to get me to pull through the day. And I can't thank you enough for being the wonderful person that you have proved to be. I will admit, when I met you I was lost. Lauren had broken me and you were there to pick up the pieces. And you always made me forget. And at the time I thought that was enough. But I've come to realize that our relationship never filled the void that Lauren had dug inside me the day that she hurt me. And suddenly nothing ever felt like enough. I felt like I was taking advantage of you and using you and I hated it. Then Lauren came back into my life and you made her jealous. And that sort of unlocked this new part of her that was starting to acknowledge her feelings. And soon after, what she felt for me. At first she was very difficult. She would try to take me away from you by saying that she wanted me. But that wasn't enough for me either. I didn't just want to be wanted. I wanted to be needed too. But as much as I tried to stay away from her, I couldn't. I always found myself coming back to her or vice versa. It's as if we were magnets, but then I began to question her sudden interest in me. She had said that she didn't love me and that she just wanted me and my body. But I also knew that wasn't the whole truth. It couldn't be if being with you boiled her blood. She had always felt something for me and always failed to admit it. Like I would fail to admit it too." I paused before I went on, "On my birthday she showed up after our fight, and she comforted me and that led to hugging which led to kissing and that led to..." I paused as I hesitated to reveal my unspoken secret. "sex." Her mouth fell a gape. "But trust me, I was consumed by the moment and my condensed love had unraveled back within her presence. It was as if nothing mattered in that moment and as hopeless as I am, I fell. I fell all over again." I smiled remembering the moment, "But the next morning, I woke up regretting hurting you. Even though it was unconsciously, deep down I knew that I had hurt you and that it was wrong to be with her like that while you were still in my life. But even though I knew it was wrong, I couldn't find the way to tell you. I was just too scared to tell you. I didn't want to hurt you. Because that's not what I wanted to do. It's never what I wanted for you." I paused before I felt a few tears form in my eyes. " Before my grandfather died, he gave me some advice on the matter. And it made me realize that I had always been hurting you. Even when we both didn't know it. I hurt you even before I agreed to be your girlfriend because deep down I had always been in love with Lauren. And as much as I tried to deny it, it never changed and deep down I knew that too. But being with you was different. You made me happy all the time and I loved you for it but it was never in the same way that I loved Lauren. I knew that I had loved you Ariana, but not in that way. I loved you as a friend. One of my closest friends. And it hadn't hit me until after my grandfathers death. Even then, I still wanted to give you a chance, but I knew that it was wrong for me to do so. Being with you when I still loved Lauren would be wrong. Just like it was wrong in the beginning of our relationship. It was wrong and It hurt you. Unconsciously, but it did. And I didn't want to hurt you any longer. Because I care for you Ariana I really do. You've become one of my closest friends in such a short period of time and I will never forget that. I just hope that you understand that I didn't do this on purpose. I didn't choose to fall in love with Lauren. It just happened. And I can't to anything about it." I paused again to wipe a few tears that escaped my eyes while Ariana stared back at me tenderly. "I just hope that you understand that, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for hurting you the way that I did; for never being honest and for not treating you the way you deserve to be treated." She held my hand and gave it an affectionate squeeze. " But besides the fact that I am truly sorry, I also want to thank you for being there for me and putting up with me." I half smiled before a few more tears began to roll down my cheeks, "You're one of the best friends I've ever had. And I don't think I will ever be able to show you how much I appreciate that."
At this point tears began to roll down her cheeks too. She pulled me into a hug and I felt a low sigh escape my mouth. "I'm sorry." I heard myself mutter against her shoulder.
"It's okay." Ariana whispered, "I should have known all along. I always had this feeling that you would never be able to shake her off, but at the time I thought it was because she had you under her spell. But now, now I realize that you can't forget about Lauren because she's the one. She's your true love Mila. And I don't want to stand in the way of that. Plus like you said, were like best friends and I would never be mad at you for being honest with me."
"Wait, so you're not mad?"
"No of course I'm not mad." She said pulling away from me and placing her hands on my forearms.
"Not at all?"
"No Mila...you're being honest with me and that's all I've ever wanted from you." She half smiled, "I'm not going to say it doesn't hurt because it does, but I'll get over it soon. Just like we all learn to move on with our lives."
"Thank you." I said shaking my head in disbelief of her compassion.
"For what?"
"For not beating me up." I playfully said with a half smile.
She chuckled, "Beat you up? Where did you get that idea from?"
"Who do you think?"
"Dinah? I should have guessed." Ariana smiled remembering Dinah's crazy imagination and notions that usually come from behind the tv screen. "She thinks she has us all figured out, doesn't she?"
"Yeah, you know how she is."
"Well, I'm not going to beat you up. Because you're my friend above all. And I still love you for it, so as of now why don't you just rest and text me later. I think it's a good time to see Frankie now, his shift ended over 30 minutes ago."
"Perfect, I'm glad that your deciding to see him."
"Me too." Ariana said nodding her head. "Thank you for convincing me. I would've continued to lived behind my parents shadow if you didn't. So thanks Mila." Ariana half smiled.
"No problem. Let me know how it goes okay?"
"I will." Ariana said getting up and walking towards me. "And just one more thing." She said before her lips gently pressed against my forehead. "I love you Mila. I always will, even if its not in that way. But what I want you to do now is be happy okay? And don't let our school's social rules or society forbid you from that. Now go next door and get your girl. I'm sure she's waiting." She simply gave me her blessing before she walked out of the room and left me speechless.
I couldn't believe that Ariana had been so cool about it. I didn't know that it would be this easy. And I can't believe I'm going to say this but I'm kind of glad she didn't react badly. I'm glad that she understood instead of lashing out at me like Dinah had said she would. She was so civil about it. And I really didn't expect that from her. I mean I knew that Ariana had never been violent but I've never broken up with anyone before so I wasn't able to anticipate what sort of direction it would go. So at the time I believed anything anyone would tell me. But I am glad to know that she understood and that through it she was still wiling to be my friend.
I smiled to myself feeling the huge weight lift off my shoulders. I looked over to my dresser to find my phone laying on top of it. I had reached over for it when I remembered that Lauren had told me to call her when I could. But I decided instead that I rather surprise her than call her. And that's what I did. I sat up and pushed my hair back as I pondered about what I wanted to do. And before I knew it, I was slipping into sweats, a white v neck and my black converse to make my way over. As I stood up from my bed a sudden sharp pain invaded my head. The terrible feeling caused me to fall back into my bed and curl back into a ball. It felt as if someone had put a knife through my head. The sensation was strange. It was something I've never experienced before and it honestly scared the crap out of me. But with a few more distorted thoughts it became clear to me. I wasn't in pain because I fainted, it was because I went face first into the ground, so my head was bound to feel like this, right? I mean it sort of makes sense. But then again I couldn't be sure, at least not at this moment. I just hope that my clumsiness was the reason for this excruciating pain. Because it was something I've never experienced before and quite frankly I would never want to go through something like this again. After a few more seconds, the stabbing pain started to diminish and instead turned into a torturous thumping. I sat back into my bed and rested my head against the pillow. I took deep breaths to calm myself down and before I knew it, the pain began to lessen. I definitely had a head ache now, but I prefer having that then what I had just experienced a few seconds ago. I sighed in relief as my eyes began to get heavy again. My body fell into a state of relaxation. A state in which I was able to escape into a dream like world until I woke up again. But that was soon disturbed when I heard a knock at my door.
"Camz." I heard Lauren's voice say from the door, "Can I come in? I really need to talk to you."
"Yeah go ahead." I said just above a mumble as sat up and rubbed my eyes to rid myself of sleep.
With no other words, she came in and gently closed the door behind her. As always her beauty never failed to impress me. Even when she wasn't trying. She was makeup less, but then again that never made much of a difference. She wore a black arctic monkeys tee shirt with jeans and black converse. She wore her hair up in a pony tail, where her wavey long hair hung loosely down her back. She walked over to me and crouched down at eye level with me. "You look like a mess." Lauren half smiled at me, "Why are you in bed like this?" She asked as her brows furrowed in concern.
"It's a long story but it all happened after you left."
"I think I can keep up. Tell me, what happened?"
" Okay, so after you left Ariana had texted to ask where I had escaped to last night and if was okay and I practically dodged her first question and told her that I was fine but that I needed to talk to her and we agreed to see each other in 30 minutes. But then I realized that I was half way across the planet and I totally freaked because I had no way of getting there in time. But then I decided to run my but to the nearest bus station. And when I got there the nearest bus had already left. So afterwords I ran through this festival to take a short cut and found Mani there and asked her if she could give me a ride and she did. Now when I got home, Ariana had been sitting on my front porch and the fact that I was going to break up with her made me cringe. Because well, you know how much I hate hurting people. And basically before I could even spit out a word, I hugged the ground."
"Wait you fainted?"
"Yeah." I said almost as if it was my big deal, "but that's not important."
Lauren chuckled at my nonchalant response.
"Point being, after I woke up, I got to talk to Ariana about a few things before we broke up. And surprisingly she was okay with it."
"She was?" Lauren asked surprised.
"Yeah. She was more understanding that I anticipated." I half smiled, "She's even still willing to be my friend."
"You're friend? Holy shit. This Ana girl is cooler than I thought."
I playfully rolled my eyes at her, "After all this time you still don't remember her name?"
"Hey, Rihanna's difficult name to remember, okay." Lauren defended herself. "Anyway though, I'm happy that it went well."
"Me too."
"You're okay though right?"
"Yeah, I just have a little headache, but it'll pass."
"I meant about the break up but yes that too."
"Oh, yeah. I feel great now. Like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders."
"That's good Camz... that's good." Lauren simply said before she became thoughtful again.
Something was up. Ever since she walked into that door something had been wrong. I seen it the second my eyes met her green sad ones.
"Lauren?"
"Hmm." She hummed, before she met my eyes.
"Is everything alright? You mentioned you wanted to talk about something."
"Yeah, listen...whatever you heard me say yesterday forget about it. Pretend it never happened."
My heart dropped.
Lauren quickly noticed the change in my demeanor and threw her hands up to stop me from thinking, "No!" She simply said, "That came out wrong. I don't want you to forget about why I love you because I remember saying every word. And all of it was true. But whatever I said about Cara forget about it. She's just an old friend that..." She paused trying to formulate her words, "doesn't even matter. "
If she didn't matter that much, why was she trying to make me forget about her very existence? What was she hiding?
"I don't get it. You're saying that she doesn't even matter but yet you still want me to forget about her. Who is she really Lauren?"
"I already told you. She's no one."
"Clearly she is someone if you want me to forget about you ever bringing her up."
"Ugh it's not like that. I just don't like talking about it." Lauren expressed.
"But you can trust me Lo, haven't I already proven that to you?"
"You have but haven't I shared enough of my feelings with you?"
"..."
"What more do you want from me?"
"I want you to know that I am here for you Lauren. I want you to talk about whatever's fucking you up inside."
She furrowed her brows in confusion.
"I don't know what you're talking about I'm fine." She defended.
"No you're not. The way you acted yesterday wasn't normal. You were scared. So scared. Of what? I don't know but you were terrified."
Lauren bit her lip shook her head ignorantly.
"And this morning when I asked you about her, you totally freaked. And afterwords, your whole demeanor changed. And even now, you're not the same. What did you remember last night?"
"Nothing." Lauren said avoiding my gaze.
"Lauren-"
"I already told you to drop it!" Lauren raised her voice at me.
I frowned and nodded my head, "Fine."
Instantly regret made it's way to Lauren's face, "Look Camz, I didn't mean to yell at you but you really need to let this go. You're the only person I want to be with now and I really don't want to loose you. But I can't talk about what happened to me yesterday because if I do, it will just fuck me up all over again. It's easier for me to ignore it. It's always been that way for me. So I'm sorry that I can't open up to you but how can I possibly do that if I'm not even willing to open up to myself?"
She had a point. Lauren had never been able to easily acknowledge her feelings head on. Ever since I met her, I noticed this in her. And now I realize that she's lived through that terrible nightmare. Lauren's always been afraid to say what she really thought about things. Like bullying for example, she hates doing it but does it anyway because no one hears her scream. And her social ties do not let her run. They keep her rooted to the ground at which her followers stand upon. These roots cripple her from talking, screaming or even making the slightest noise against the littlest thing she finds wrong and all that is left is silence. She's become used to this silence and accepted it into her daily life. She has forgotten what's like to speak your mind and to share how you feel about things. And now four years later, the roots of silence have already deeply settled within her. And perhaps maybe I am too late. Maybe there is no hope for her. But that's were I'm wrong. It can't be too late if she is here with me now as an outlaw willing to see me despite the social binds that separate us. It can't be too late if she still feels pain in her heart when were apart. It just can't be too late. She still feels and is willing to try new things to be with me. But I also have to understand that things like this take time. And I hope that Lauren opens up to herself soon because if not, I don't know how much longer she'll be able to last.
"You're right. I'm sorry, I'm pushing you too hard. But sooner or later you're going to have to talk about this because bottling things up isn't good for you. Trust me, I know."
"How?"
I sighed, "Do you really want to know?"
"Yeah." Lauren said giving her full attention to me.
"At the beginning of my seventh grade year, I had few friends. Dinah and Darren were two of the only people by my side during those difficult years. Madison, had been in the same class as me that year and on the first day, I wore a red bow. To a bunch of middle schoolers who were in the annoying age between a child and a teenager, it seemed silly that a girl their age still wore bows. And before I knew it, I was a target. They used to make fun of me a lot, call me names and sometimes even beat me up. And it came to the point where it wasn't even about the bows anymore, it was just about hurting me. There were times where I just wanted to give up but Darren and Dinah didn't let me. They made me get help when they saw how bad I was getting. They said that I looked like an emotionless zombie. And at the time I thought they were full of shit. But one day I took a look in the mirror and saw that they were right. I wasn't myself anymore. And that was because I never let anyone in. I wanted to face everything on my own but that never seemed to work out for me. And even then, I didn't want help. I wanted to let myself rot for how badly I let myself get. I didn't want to live in a world in which I didn't deserve to be a part of. A world in which my very existence was a nusicance to the people around me. A world in which hated me for being who I was. No matter how much I tried to fit in, it was never good enough. Eventually, I just got tired of it. And a few days before promotion, I sent myself to the hospital."
"How?"Lauren asked fully captivated in my story.
"I locked myself in my dad's car and turned the engine on while they were asleep. I rolled down the car windows and closed all the doors so the gas wouldn't escape. Then I fell asleep. And when I woke up, I was in the hospital. It turned out that my wello and wella had been planning a surprise visit for my birthday the next day and had arrived a little earlier than anticipated. And they got there just in time to save me. Wello had noticed an enormous amount of smoke that had escaped under the garage door and had ran inside to turn off the engine. But when he did, he saw me laying in the drivers seat and catered to my rescue. Thanks to him, I'm alive today. But at the time I was still angry. Not at my wello for saving me, but for letting myself get saved. I regretted leaving the back door unlocked. Because if I hadn't, I would've gotten what I wanted. But soon after the incident, my parents sent me to go get help. Darren and Dinah visited me regularly at the treatment centre I was admitted too and luckily alongside with some great doctors, they guided me through the rest of the summer. But although their guidance had got me through the terrors of middle school, it wasn't enough for the ones of high school. On our first week, we instantly got categorized as brains. And it was only because the preps sought out to find the smartest people to categorize into a group to torment and ridicule. But it wasn't all that bad, I did meet Ally and Mani and I don't regret that."
"What do you regret?"
"Not meeting you sooner."
"Me?" Lauren said in disbelief, "Why?"
"Two years into high school I started to get bad again. I was becoming self contious about myself and let the memories of the previous years haunt my very existence. I was starting to become that person again, but my friends didn't let me. They did their best to keep me a float, but most of the time their efforts were in vein. And the day that you stopped those jerks from beating me up was the day you saved me. You didn't realize it then but it was because of you that I had hope again. You made me believe that there were good people out there; who care and did their best to help others when in need. You made me believe that I still mattered. That I still had a reason to live since it was you who spared my life. And since then, I noticed you around more often then I used too. I mean I always knew who you were and thought you were beautiful but I had no idea that you were beautiful on the inside too. And when I came to that realization, I started to fall for you. And that's also when I started to find out more about myself and my sexuality. And it was all thanks to you."
--
A/n: To be continued...