"Ngh... ergh... no... no..."
...
...
"...no... no...!"
...
...
"Wait!!! Don't...!"
...
"...h-huh?"
Where am I?
...oh... my room.
My body trembled. There was a loud ringing in my ear, like a siren, gradually fading as I came back to reality. My covers were twisted every which way.
Another nightmare. Just what I needed... coupled with the first dream I had as well. I suppose I was overdue for a nightmare, though they never fail to shake me.
"Ngh..." I groaned, struggling to keep my eyes open. They felt like sandbags.
What time is it? Can I go back to sleep?
*BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!*
"Ack!" I yelped. A sudden loud beeping from my phone scared the daylights out of me.
My alarm. So no. I don't get to go back to sleep.
I grabbed my phone and turned the alarm off.
Being startled twice didn't help my headache at all.
Ugh... gonna be another groggy day. Hopefully it ain't too busy.
I left the warmth of my bed and took a quick shower, hoping it'd help wake me up. Unfortunately, it didn't, but at least I felt clean.
I dried and ironed my hair before fixing it up into my usual ponytail. Then it was time for makeup.
As much as I didn't wanna worry about makeup, my eyes had awful dark circles under them. I can't look like this in front of the commander.
I looked away to grab my makeup supplies, and upon looking back, I froze.
"Hngh..." I groaned, feeling my bare neck.
The memory of my dream last night, though mostly forgotten, still needled my heart. I could remember the commander giving me a necklace... and asking me to the ball. Although, was that actually my dream last night or just what my heart wanted it to be? My memory is so hazy that I don't know.
Ergh... whatever. It's just a stupid dream. What matters now is covering up these circles under my eyes. Ugh... it looks like I have black eyes.
...okay, they're not that bad, but they're still ugly and need fixing up.
I got to work, first applying foundation, as per Richelieu's advice. I paid special attention to the circles under my eyes, covering them up and doing my best to blend it with the rest of my face. When that was done, I got out my eyeliner and worked as carefully as I could.
First the right eye... then the left... no need to rush...
And... got it.
I checked myself in the mirror.
Hm... it ain't what Richelieu can do, but it'll suffice.
And finally, mascara.
Once again, I went slowly and carefully. I tried to mimic the rolling motion Richelieu did with the brush, and it was helping to keep my lashes from clumping.
The right eyes... then the left...
...one more touch, and... there.
I took another look in the mirror.
...it'll have to do. Not great, but it'll suffice for today.
Ugh... what a pain. How do my friends do this every day? Maybe they're so naturally beautiful that they don't need that much.
I let out a mighty yawn. It's gonna be a long day.
-----------------------------
I arrived at the commander's office, feeling the usual butterflies as I approached the door.
...hm? I hear two people inside. One is the commander, and the other... sounded familiar.
I opened the door. Upon walking inside, the talking stopped, and both pairs of eyes landed on me.
I knew the other voice sounded familiar. It was Algerie.
" Bonjour , Jeanie," Algerie said.
" Bonjour ," I said. "Dropping off paperwork?"
" Non ," Algerie said. "I had something to discuss with the commander."
"Anything I should know about?" I asked.
Algerie pursed her lips. She didn't say anything to me. Instead, she turned to the commander.
"Commander, may we borrow the meeting room next door?" she asked.
We?
"Sure," he said. "I don't think it's being used at all today."
" Merci ," Algerie said. "Jeanie, would you follow me?"
"Huh?" I asked. "What's going on?"
"I'll explain," Algerie said. "Just follow me, okay?"
...weird. But I guess I don't have a choice.
Algerie led me to the meeting room just down the hall. She opened the door and flipped a light switch to reveal a large, red-carpeted room with white and gold diamond-patterned walls and two big windows with their red curtains parted to let in sunlight. In the middle was a large mahogany table with red cushioned armchairs, all sitting below a large chandelier with candle-shaped lights.
The entire time, Algerie hadn't said a word. It made a short walk down the hall feel like an eternity.
I flinched when the door closed behind me.
"Take a seat anywhere," Algerie said.
*click*
Did she just lock the door?
Begrudgingly, I took a seat at the meeting table. Algerie sat next to me and offered a friendly smile.
"How are you?" she asked.
"Um... can't complain, I guess," I said. "You?"
"I'm well, thank you for asking," Algerie said. "I see you're all gussied up."
"Oh... yeah," I said. "How do I look?"
"Gorgeous, as always," Algerie said. "Were you wanting to look extra pretty for the commander?"
"Huh?! N-No!" I blurted, blushing profusely. "I-It's to cover the circles under my eyes, that's all."
She raised her eyebrow, looking at me curiously.
"I see," she said. "A late night?"
"Something like that," I said. "Alright, enough pleasantries. What's going on? Why are you being so weird?"
Algerie's expression turned worried.
"...I was going to ask you the same thing," Algerie said.
"Hm?" I said. "What do you mean?"
Algerie looked at me dead seriously.
"Answer me honestly, Jean Bart," Algerie said. "Is everything okay?"
Her eyes stunned me, and I wasn't sure what to say.
"It's not a trick question," she said.
Are you sure? Because after last night, I don't know if there's a more complicated question in the world. My jealousy, my confusion, my self-hatred... my crush...
But I can't tell her about that! Jean Bart going gaga for the commander? She'd just laugh.
"...why'd ya have to pull me aside to ask me that?" I asked.
Algerie pursed her lips.
"Because... I heard you crying last night."
... merde.
Suddenly, I felt sick to my stomach. My face turned bright red, and I couldn't bring myself to look Algerie in they eye.
"...h-how much did ya hear?" I asked quietly.
"I heard enough," Algerie said. "Richelieu and Dunkerque heard too."
No... no! Not Dunkerque! And especially not Richelieu!!!
"...shit...!" I muttered, balling my fist. My cheeks were flushed with embarrassment.
"No wonder why you're so tired," Algerie said. "Talk to me, darling. What has that beautiful head troubled?"
How the hell am I supposed to answer without sounding pathetic?
I didn't say anything. Instead, I just stared at the woodgrain of the table, mentally coloring between the lines.
"Jeanie?"
Ugh... my chest feels so tight. And why's the room chilly? It wasn't like this when we came in.
I felt Algerie's hand on my thigh.
"I promise, nothing you say will leave this room," she said. "Nor will I think less of you."
Really? Even for crying about the commander not liking me back? About not even being considered for the ball? About wishing my dream last night was real?
Her hand was warm, but it only drove more nails of shame into my heart. Comfort isn't what I deserve right now.
Ugh... what the hell do I say? I can't tell her about my crush! What a stupid thing to lose sleep over! And if she knows, the word will get out! I'll be a disgrace to my fleet, and the commander will shun me! But she's not gonna leave without some kinda answer either!
Are crushes supposed to be this frustrating?
I gotta say something, or else she'll just worry more.
"I-It's stupid," I muttered. "You shouldn't worry about it."
"Nothing's stupid enough for a friend," Algerie said. "My lips are sealed. You have my word."
"It's nothing, really," I insisted.
"If it was nothing, you wouldn't have cried about it," Algerie said.
...damn. Saw right through me.
"Is the commander mistreating you?" Algerie asked.
"No no," I said.
"Are you stressed from work?" Algerie asked.
That's one way to put it, I guess.
"I've been handling the workload just fine," I said.
"Is it something to do with Richelieu?" she asked.
I tensed.
I assume she's talking about our little fallout after the emergency sortie. But there's also the commander asking if Richelieu would wanna go to the ball... instead of me. Ugh... I can't get over that, can I?
Honestly... is that not a big reason why I cried?
"We're alright," I said. "I ain't trying to start anything between us."
"I see," she said. "Then what's wrong?"
Why don't you just ask my heart? It wants the commander so badly yet chokes me when I'm near him. Or maybe ask those who designed me why they put all their effort into Richelieu and saved none for me. Take your pick, because I'm a god damn mess!
"I-I don't wanna talk about it," I said.
"Not even with a close friend?" Algerie asked.
"No," I said. "I would tell Dunkerque and Richelieu the same."
"You might feel better if you get it off your chest," Algerie said.
"Even if I told you, there's nothing you can do to help me," I said.
"You don't know that," Algerie said.
"Yes, I do," I said sternly. "Ergh... look... it's complicated. I appreciate your concern, and when I'm ready to talk, I'll talk. For now, I'd like to not have people breathing down my neck about shit I was trying to forget about today."
Algerie's eyes widened. She looked almost hurt.
I hate this. I hate that I gotta do this to a friend who's just trying to help, but I can't tell her! I just can't!
"Ah... I didn't realize I was suffocating you," Algerie said. "Please forgive me. It just broke my heart to hear a loved one cry. But perhaps I was too hasty. It's not fair to push you into a corner."
I sighed. "I'm sorry. I'm just really confused right now."
"I understand," Algerie said. She took both of my hands and offered a gentle smile. "Well, whatever you're going through, I'm here for you. Don't think that you have to endure your trials alone, okay?"
Her hands and eyes gave me some comfort. Although... it chilled me to know I could never ask for help with my crush.
"...you're a good friend," I said.
Algerie smiled. "May I hug you?"
"Heh... sure," I said.
She smiled even bigger before standing up to come hug me. Her embrace was warm and soft... and undeserved.
"Shall I walk you back to the office?" Algerie asked.
"Actually, I need some alone time," I said. "Can you tell the commander I'll be a minute?"
"Of course," she said. "I apologize again for hounding you."
"It's okay," I said. "I know you mean well."
She smiled. "I'll take my leave."
I felt her hand on my shoulder.
"You're beautiful and strong," she said. "Don't forget that. Au revoir."
She kissed my cheek and then took her leave. I stayed still, waiting to hear the door close.
When I heard the bump of the door closing, I sighed.
I can't keep secrets forever. Secrets don't help anyone. Case in point, having to turn Algerie away when she just wants to help. All after chastising the commander yesterday for lying to me. I'm a god damn hypocrite.
If they heard me crying, I only hope they didn't tail me to the fountain. As if this wasn't embarrassing enough already.
I don't know what to do. This crush is tearing me apart. This feeling of... vulnerability. I haven't felt it since...
...no. Don't think about that. Don't trigger another spell. Focus.
Hngh... what do I even wanna gain from these feelings? A hug? A kiss? A date to that stupid ball? A permanent partner?
Suddenly my heart sparked, and my mind conjured all kinds of images.
Crap... that all sounds nice, actually. Really nice. Heck, just feeling him touch me that one time stopped me in my tracks.
It doesn't matter anyway. If I were as pretty as my friends, maybe I'd have a shot, but I'm not even in the same ballpark. Even Algerie just now looked prettier than I could ever hope to be, and the day's barely started.
And Richelieu... ergh. The commander thinking of her first just added fuel to that fire.
Such sappy bullshit to be upset about, but wanting something so badly and knowing I'll never have it is just... just...
...
... BANG
"...stop this!" I seethed, slamming my fist on the table.
This... is not me! I'm Jean Bart, and I don't rely on anyone but myself for strength!
C'mon, there's gotta be something I can do! Even if I don't win him in the end, I can say I tried instead of sulking.
I noticed a mirror in the corner of my eye, and walked to it.
I took a good look at myself.
"Confidence," I said to my reflection. "If you're confident, then who gives a damn how you look? You're not weak. You're Jean Bart, bearer of the sacred Iris's name. Don't wait for Richelieu or another friend to scoop him up. This is your chance to show him you're strong and capable... and beautiful. Show him why you're the flagship of the Vichya Dominion. Just cut the crap and stop crying all the damn time! You are not your emotions. You're strong. You're capable. And you're beautiful. You're Jean Bart. I'm Jean Bart."
I'm... I'm Jean Bart...
I took a deep breath. Upon exhaling, the air in the room seemed to lighten.
Huh... I actually feel a little better.
Alright, i should probably head back before the commander gets worried.
I did a quick check up in the mirror before heading back.
...
I knocked on the door before walking in. I saw the commander writing something down with a large, haphazard stack of papers next to him.
He looked up at me with that dazzling smile, and I froze for a moment.
"There you are," he said. "Everything okay?"
Damn it... why does he have to be so handsome? I already feel my cheeks flushing.
Stay confident.
I cleared my throat as I walked up to the desk.
"Yeah, I'm alright. Personal stuff," I said. "Thanks for being patient. And good job being on time today. Keep it up."
"Thanks," he said. "I don't plan on letting you down again. Oh, before I forget, Akashi said repair parts for you and Shoukaku should be in tomorrow."
"Great," I said. "Why don't ya schedule some Iris exercises for tomorrow, then? I've been itching for some action."
"Sure thing," he said. "I'll make a note of that. Wanna do our rounds in, say... half an hour?"
"Sounds like a plan," I said.
With that, I took the stack of unsorted papers and made my way to the couch, with a modicum of relief.
See? That wasn't so bad. If I don't overthink it, I can talk to him just fine.
"Hey, Jean," the commander said.
"Hm? What's up?" I asked.
"Are you wearing makeup again?" he asked.
My heart sparked.
"Ah... y-yeah," I said. "Thanks for noticing. I uh... just felt like it today."
And I couldn't look like a tired hag in front of you.
"Well, you look pretty," he said.
I froze.
...pretty?
"Oh... um... m-merci," I said.
Shit... turn around! Quickly!
I turned my back to him and faced the couch, whereupon a big, blushing smile broke out on my face.
Oh my God... he actually...
...no... no, I shouldn't read into that. He's probably just being nice to make up for yesterday's mishaps.
Still... if that ain't a confidence boost, then I don't know what is.
-----------------------------
A/N: Happy Halloween. I know this is a lackluster chapter after making y'all wait for so long. This is about the 5th or 6th attempt for this chapter (idk, I lost count). The previous ideas I started and then they never went anywhere without being awkward or forced. I had to rework the outline, but I think I have a decent plan going forward. And there's some great stuff later I have planned too. Sorry again for making you wait so long for something lackluster. Next chapter will be better, and expect some action coming up soon, even though I can't write action for shit lol.
Have a safe Halloween, everyone. Cheers.