Chapter 9
My lips parted while looking at her. I am more concern at her now that she heard everything, yeah I think she heard all of it. Base na rin sa mga luha niya.
After few seconds, she started walking away from us. Agad ko siyang sinundan, hindi ko na rin binalingan pa ang gagong si Thirdy. Mas nag-aalala ako kay Lei.
I witnessed how she's serious with her past relationships. Oo, seryoso siya sa mga ito pero nagagawa pa rin siyang saktan. Hindi ko alam kung bakit. Marahil ang mga lalaki, pare-pareho lang talaga—manloloko. Sorry to generalize but that's what I think as of now.
She's serious with all of her relationship but this is my first time seeing her like this. She's totally broken and devastated. Mahal na mahal niya si Thirdy.
"Lei..." I called her. Dumeretso siya sa room namin at agad na inayos ang bag, handa na ata umalis.
I heard her sobs. Mariin akong napapikit.
"Lei, I'm—"
"Pagalitan mo na ako. Sabihin mo na sa akin na sana nakinig na lang ako sa iyo noon. Tell me that it was so wrong to love him..." she said. "Tell me that I did the wrong c-choice."
"Oo na. Kasalanan ko na," she added.
"Hindi mo kasalanan, Lei."
She shook her head.
"No, it's my fault. Masyado akong umasa. Masyado akong umasa na... m-mamahalin niya rin ako kagaya ng pagmamahal ko sa kanya." nakatalikod siya sa akin ngayon. Gustuhin ko man na yakapin siya, hindi ko magawa dahil maging ako, nanghihina na rin para sa kanya.
"I thought... he loves me. Cas, he told me he loves me. He's so very sweet to me. But then, why? Why all of a sudden, ayaw na niya? He told me that he is guilty. Guilty? Saan? Bakit? Kung guilty siya, ibig sabihin... h-hindi totoo? Hindi totoo na mahal niya ako? Was he lying when he said he loves me?"
Now that I can see her face clearly, and I can clearly tell... she's really broken.
"Ibig sabihin noong una pa lang... hindi niya talaga ako mahal?" she almost whispered.
I remained silent, looking for words.
"Bakit? Hindi ba ako kamahal-mahal—"
"No," agap ko.
"But why?!" she shouted.
"Bakit... palagi na lang ako nasasaktan? Bakit palagi na lang nila ako sinasaktan? Palaging niloloko? Gusto ko lang naman magmahal at masuklian din ng pagmamahal. Ano bang ginawa ko sa kanila at sinasaktan nila ako?" Lei ranted.
I immediately hug her. I am lost for words too. One thing I want to do, I want to protect her.
"Why, Casper? Why?" bigong-bigo niyang sabi.
"Shhh, Lei. You don't need them."
She shook her head once again.
"I am here. If you think you aren't lovable, then I am here to remind you that you are. You are precious, Lei. Don't let anyone make you feel that you aren't."
Hindi ko alam kung paano natapos ang araw na ito. Sinundo na si Lei ng kanilang driver. When I got home, I immediately sent her a message.
Me:
Lei, if you need someone to talk to, I am here.
But nothing came.
Nag-review na lang ako para sa nalalapit na finals exam. I also finished our projects in one of our subjects. But then, while doing these, I can't help but to have little reflection on myself. Kung sana kinausap ko na nang maaga si Thirdy dati hindi na magkakaganito. Pero naisip ko rin, kapag ba nakausap ko siya noon, magbabago siya?
Hindi ko rin maiwasan ang isipin na may kasalanan din ako. These past few weeks I don't have time to check my friend if she's okay or not. I became very busy that I forgot to check on her. Iyon pala, may nananakit na sa kanya.
Frustratedly, I went now to my bed.
The next morning, Lei came to school but she's spacing out. Mugto ang mga mata at hindi makausap.
"Casper, don't mind me," she said. She even managed to give a small smile. "Mag-aral ka na."
"How can I? You're not okay," giit ko. Hindi naman p'wedeng hayaan kong ganito ang nag-iisa kong kaibigan.
She sighed.
"Okay. Sige mag-aral na lang tayong dalawa para sa finals," she said in finality then she started reading her notes now. I watched her as she flip her notebook pages as if she's really studying. Can she even focus in reviewing?
"Natapos ko na ang project natin," sabi ko habang inaayos nagre-rewrite ng notes. Nandito ulit kami sa library para mag-review. Today is Friday and next week will be our finals week.
"Sorry, wala akong ambag," aniya.
I shook my head, "Ayos lang naman. Madali lang naman pala siya. Nahirapan lang ako noong una pero kaya naman pala."
I looked at her and it was very evident in her face that she's still sad. Who wouldn't be? Sinaktan ka ng taong mahal mo... at pinaasa. Simula ng araw na iyon, hindi naman na namin nakita si Thirdy. Mas maganda na rin iyon. Baka masuntok ko pa mukha nun. Iniiwasan ko rin na banggitin si Thirdy.
These days she's really spacing out. Lagi siyang malungkot... at hindi nangingiti. I want to know what's going on her head.
Next week came and we became busy once again for our finals exam. Nandoon pa rin ang pag-aalala ko kay Lei pero nananatili siyang tahimik.
"Ice cream, bili tayo? Libre ko," I offered. Sumang-ayon naman siya.
"Nakareview ka na ba sa Integral Calculus?" I asked her again. She paused in writing. She nodded.
"May hindi ka ba naintindihan?" dagdag ko.
She shook her head.
"Ah, tomorrow will be our final exam. Saan ka magbabakasyon this summer?" I asked. Pauwi na kami at sabay kaming naglalakad palabas ng gate. Nasa labas na raw ang sundo niya. She suddenly paused in walking and lowered her head.
"I..." aniya gamit ang maliit na tinig. "... don't know."
"Oh? Sa bahay lang naman kami, as usual. P'wede ka naman bumisita doon. Ipagluluto ka ni Mama. Wala naman na klase ang mga elementary eh."
Again, she didn't mutter any words.
"Casper..." she called me and lifted up her head.
"Hmm?"
"Thank you," she said sadly. My lips parted. My heart suddenly beats so fast. I don't know why. I have a bad feeling about this.
"Thank you for being my friend. I owe you a lot." she smiled.
"What was that for?" I asked curiously.
She just shook her head.
"Nothing. I just want to say thank you. I am so lucky to have you. Kahit na... ang kulit-kulit ko minsan. Kahit na sakit lang ako ng ulo mo. Hindi mo ako iniiwan. Thank you."
After she said that, there's a pain I felt inside my chest.
"I should be the one thanking you, Lei. You know I don't have much friends except you. I am a little bit intimidating sometimes and I nagged you a lot... but still, you understands me."
She bit her lip and now lowering her head again.
"Thank you, Casper. I appreciate you a lot."
I am so feeling down that night that I can't even focus in reviewing. Come on, brain, last na bukas. Makakapagpahinga ka na rin.
Finally. That's what I said after we finished our last exam this semester and next semester... we will be 2nd year college already.
Naglalakad kami pareho ni Lei sa hallway paalis na ng building ng Electrical Engineering nang makita namin si Thirdy na naglalakad... kasama ang isang babae.
Lei immediately stopped when she saw them. They saw us too, they stopped walking as well. Nasa kabilang hallway sila kaya medyo malayo kami pero kitang-kita na si Thirdy iyon.
I looked at Lei and she is looking at Thirdy. Nalipat muli ang tingin ko kila Thirdy. Nagkibit-balikat lang si Thirdy at sabay hawak sa braso ng babae para makaalis na. I bit my lower lip to suppress my anger.
Kita mo 'tong bobong ito. Ang kapal talaga ng mukha.
Hindi ko na pinagtuonan ng pansin ang nararamdaman ko at muling bumaling kay Lei na nasa tabi ko lang. Nakatingin lang siya sa kung saan namin nakita kanina sina Thirdy, pero ngayon nakaalis na sila.
"Lei, where are you going?" I asked because she started walking to the way where Thirdy and the girl go.
Hindi siya nagsalita at mabilis lang na naglalakad patungo doon. Sinundan ko siya. Agad namin silang nakita. Thirdy is talking to that girl when Lei suddenly went near them. My eyes widened.
"Can we talk?" si Lei.
Bahagyang nagulat si Thirdy. Tiningnan ni Lei ang babae. Tingin ko hindi rin engineering student ito.
"Lei..." I called.
"Okay," that was Thirdy.
She looked at the girl, "Kelly, hintayin mo na lang ako sa annex." The girl nodded and went away.
Umayos ng tayo si Thirdy. Bilib din ako sa lalaking ito, walang halong bakas ng pagsisisi sa mukha niya. Talagang wala siyang puso huh.
"What is it, Atasha?" he casually said. Napabuga ako ng hininga.
"Really, Thirdy? Agad-agad?" Lei asked confusingly. "Nakahanap ka na, agad-agad?!" Lei's voice raised. This is my first time seeing her like this.
"Lei..." hinawakan ko siya sa balikat dahil parang kahit anong oras handa niyang saktan si Thirdy. Well, ayos sana iyon pero ayoko siya na ma-guidance.
"Gago ka!" now, she's crying. It's a good thing walang estudyanteng naririto.
"Atasha, I already told you—"
"Wala na ba talagang pag-asa, Thirdy?" si Lei. Hindi makapaniwalang binalingan ko siya. What the hell, Lei?
"Lei—"
"What's wrong? May hindi ba ako magandang ginawa? May gusto ka bang gawin ko? May gusto ka bang baguhin ko? Come on, babaguhin ko, Thirdy. Just... don't leave me," she cried.
Laglag panga na talaga akong nakatingin kay Lei. I was about to drag her out of here and talk to her privately when Thirdy spoke first.
"Don't do that, Lei," Thirdy said seriously. "Never beg for someone like me. You don't deserve that and I don't deserve that. You don't deserve someone like me," he said.
My eyes drifted to Thirdy who is looking at Lei. I can't find any emotions on his eyes.
"I'm an asshole, I know. So please, stay away now from me. I am no good to you. I will just hurt you," he added.
"But I love you..." Lei whispered.
"I'm sorry," Thirdy muttered.
"Minahal mo ba ako?" Lei asked that made me nervous. Because once Thirdy will answer that, everything will be changed.
"I'm sorry.," he said.
Damn, once again. I am really, really disappointed.
I looked at Lei worriedly. Her head is lowered while tears escaping from her eyes. She both covered her face with her both palms and nodded in defeat.
Today, I witnessed something very cruel. I witnessed how love is cruel to some people. It's just so sad because it is really painful. I can feel it. Even though I am no in position, I am already hurt... and disappointed.
I never knew that loving like this can be so very disappointing.
Malungkot lang akong nakasunod kay Lei habang palabas na kami ng campus. Nauna na kaninang umalis si Thirdy habang si Lei ay umiyak lang nang umiyak. I just let her cry. Sabi sa nabasa ko, when everything's too heavy... just cry.
I hope her pain can ease so easily.
Pagod akong nahiga sa kama ko. This is so draining.
The next morning I went to check up on my phone and saw no texts from Lei.
Me:
How are you?
Me:
If you need someone to talk to, I am here.
Naghintay ako ng buong hapon sa reply niya pero wala. Gusto ko siya tawagan pero ayoko naman siyang pangunahan.
Me:
Call me if you want.
That night, she sent me a message through messenger.
Atasha Lei Lopez:
Casper, can we talk tomorrow?
Casper Leondo:
Okay. Saan tayo magkikita?
Atasha Lei Lopez:
Punta na lang ako diyan sa bahay niyo nang maaga bukas. Tapos mag-jogging na rin tayo.
Casper Leondo:
Okay.
Maaga akong nag-prepare at eksaktong alas sais naman ay dumating na si Lei sa bahay. Nagpaalam kami kaagad kay Mama at nagtungo na sa bukid.
"So what is it you want to talk about?" I asked her while looking at the sunrise.
Ilang segundo bago siya nagsalita.
"I'm leaving, Casper," she whispered but enough for me to hear.
My world suddenly stopped for a moment. What did she say? I looked at her. She is looking at the sun then her eyes went mine. She smiled sadly.
"My family wants me to continue my study in New York and we will live there, too," she paused. "...for good."
My lips parted. My heart aches and my mind can't sink in what she just said.
I smile unbelievably, "I thought you don't want to—"
"And it's my personal choice too," she added that made my heart aches doubled.
"You will... be leaving Philippines?" nanghihina kong sabi. She nodded. I bit my lower lip because... I don't know anymore. I thought... she doesn't want to go there? Paano ako? Wala na akong kaibigan?
"Sorry..." she said. "I can't be with your side anymore," mahina niyang sabi.
It's so much pain seeing her crying but it is more painful knowing she's leaving.
"Wala naman na akong ibang makakasama rito sa Pilipinas dahil ang pamilya ko ay nasa New York lahat. Wala na rin akong panghahawakan para manatili rin dito," aniya.
Kanina pa ako naghahanap ng tamang salita para sa nararamdaman ko.
"Paano ako?" sa wakas, nagkaroon na ako ng salita.
Malungkot niya akong tiningnan at saka nag-iwas ng tingin.
"I will miss you, Casper... so much. You're my only best friend and I considered you as my sister. I love you, you know that... but I'm sorry." She paused. "I don't think I can keep my promise to you that I will stay by your side until we both graduate as engineers."
"Ang sakit na kasi kapag mananatili pa ako rito," sabi niya. "Ayoko na rito."
Naiintindihan ko siya kung bakit gusto niya lumayo.
Kanina hindi ako umiyak habang kaharap siya dahil ayokong maging mahina sa harap niya lalo na ngayong kailangan niya ng makakaintindi sa kanya. Pagka-uwi ko, doon ko ibinuhos ang lahat ng sama ng nararamdaman ko.
I am slightly mad at her because I will be left alone again... but this time it's different. At least kapag naiiwan niya ako kapag nakikipag-date siya alam ko babalik siya, na makikita ko pa siya. Pero ngayon, tuluyan na talaga akong mag-iisa.
But then I realized, this is the best way for her to move on. Isa pa, kailangan niya ang kanyang pamilya, makakasama na niya ang mga ito. Naiintindihan ko...
I fully understand her, it's just that I can't accept the fact that after she will leave for good, I will also be left for good.
"So kailan ang alis ninyo?" tanong ko.
"Next month," she said which made me sigh. "Matagal na kasi nila pina-process nila Mommy ito, ako lang itong ayaw ko pa."
~~
"Lei, we will still contact each other right?" I asked desperately. I hugged my knees while tears pooling down. Tomorrow, she will be leaving Philippines for good.
I bit my lower lip because I don't want her to hear my sobs.
"Oo naman!" she tried to act cheerfully through phone. "Magvi-video call tayo palagi. I promise."
I nodded even though she can't see me. Nasundan nang nasundan ang pagkikita namin bago siya aalis, para makasama ko pa siya. Ngayong aalis lang siya na hindi ako nakipagkita sa kanya.
I don't want to see her leaving. It's better this way.
"Uhh, Casper—"
"Don't say good bye, please. Magkikita pa tayo," I cut her off.
She chuckled, "Okay, I won't."
Seconds passed and she spoke again.
"I-I'll call again later... t-tinatawag na kasi ako. I'll call again but this time through messenger."
"Okay."
"I love you, Casper."
That night, I act like I am not much hurt but in fact, I am deeply sad and lonely. I woke up the next day to the thought... another important person in my life left me... again.
~~
:(